I agree with you James and I had thought about that also, so the fact that you mentioned it, reinforces that thinking in my mind...

I have to admit that I was in no place to do a proper Plan A...I didn't understand -WHAT- Plan A was all about, besides I had so much to learn about me...admit my faults, see my plan, learn to not judge...-PROCESS-

I was so screwed up to begin with...I talked R no stop...couldn't let it go...I was trying to force a solution...had expectation of what was going to happen and even had a time line...

I think that this week is the week that I learn about expectation, several thing are coming up and I have LA's comments in my head from SOOO long ago...things I -THOUGHT- I understood then but not really...I -thought- I was doing alot of things that I wasn't...

Here's a prayer that was given to me by a dear IRL friend, I hope that you find use for it in your life:

Dear God,
Please help me put aside what I think I know about _______, so that i may have a truely open mind and a new experience.

So, with all of that being said, I have thought about it, I'm setting the bar...here's what my expectations are:

A good co-parenting R with POWS...anything more is langiappe, a little something extra...

My plans, to go on with -MY- life...

My hopes from the start was that he was a better part time dad then he was a full time...he needs to work on his stuff and I still have to work on mine...

i have no intentions of dropping the D, having him move home, -SLEEPING WITH HIM-...these are things I -know- right now...

i'm taking it one day at a time for -ME-...that's the best I can do right now...SO, I think that should I start to get hit then I will stick my head back in the hole...

if I have learned -anything- it's about jumping off of cliffs...not looking at what's in the valley...

i appreciate the support... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I think you need to go way back and read your posts.

There was a dance that you were part of but you did not screw up to begin with.

NO one ever lets it go they work through the problem to a recovery. If I remember correctly POWS not only wanted you to let it go he wanted you to let him continue. I could be wrong but I think that is how I remember it.

YOu were not perfect you didn't do everything right but you didn't do everything wrong!!!! You did the best you could with the tools you had.

Just wanted to point that out to you.

If I were you, and I am not, I would not consider anything unless he went through some anger managment classes and went to MC and the boundaries were discussed and agreed on.
In writing, most likely a pre nup with some serious teeth.

*I* was screwed up...not I screwed up everything...I can admit that I was pretty messed up, this is not kicking myself this is being honest...

I just admitted that I was co-dependent...that my childhood has effected me greatly...you know I -thought- I was fine...

I'm not kicking myself...I honestly wouldn't go back and change anything...

And I did do the best that I could with what I have, you are right about that...today, I can do better than what I did in the past b/c I have better tools today...so thanks for pointing that out...my toolbox is filling up...I may have to go out and get a chest of drawers afterwhile! LOL

My life depended on him b/f...what I did, where I went, what I said...constantly looking for his approval...just like I did with my parents...where -I- did something depended on them...that doesn't happen anymore...they may like it and they may not...i can't make everyone happy...

I think that I took SOOO much personally...like it was wrote in stone...you know, it was my truth...today, OP can have there own opinion and I'm not making it my truth...

If I hear that I talk to much, for example, well, I know that it's their attention span or they can't handle the conversation at that moment...or whatever...it's not that I talk to much...it's something else, not about me...

I don't have to -let- Op's words cut me like I use to...even posting here...i took alot to heart when I shouldn't have...

I was an extremely judgmental person...then, I got new R's in my life and I didn't judge them from the beginning...I figured out the only person i couldn't stop judging was POWS...why b/c I wasn't ready...I still wanted to blame him instead of accepting my part and just looking at that and that alone...

I wanted to point the finger...point, point, point...but I had three other's pointing at me...

BTw, I did reread some posts...and I will reread some more...easier at home...I have most of my threads printed...it helped with documention...

I like the ideas that you have about anger management...should it come down to it, MC...but I have a differetn reason today for MC then I did back them...b/f I wanted the C to point out what -HE- was doing wrong...today, I would need a C to point out what I am doing wrong...

How about an MC who would point out for you both how to do it right?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

-AmI.

LOL...yes, that's the idea behind it, AmI...

It's just once upon a time all of my fosuc would have been on him and not me...

IN my thinking in the past...POWS was the problem...plain and simply...I couldn't own what i didn't know at the time...I know that I was doing things wrong and wanted solutions but I felt that nothing was working for me...

Feeling trapped...classic co-dependent...now that I have really grown...I can own my part of the problem without shame...without kicking myself...even without fear of repeating those mistakes...

Awareness!! That's the key to the future...honesty is the key to the past!

RIn, I don't post too much as I am certainly not a success story, but

I have followed your sitch for over a year and

Your posts now make me so happy.

What you have is what I wish for. You sound so happy and you really put forth the effort to learn about YOURSELF and how to make your life better. When I read about all your adventures into home/car repair, I cheer you on! When I read about how you take care of yourself and your boys, I rejoice! I wish I were as strong as you. My sitch isn't like yours in that I was the FWW (I used to post ages ago as M r s Ro b), but I feel soooo controlled by BH that I dont' know what to do. I read about how happy you are with YOURSELF, and I want that for me. I'd prefer it to be with BH, but don't know if that's possible given how he feels. I read about what your WH did (ASF, for example) and see my M in that, see my capitualtion becasue that's what he wants and what I want somehow doesn't matter.

Anyways, to get back on track, I think you're great and I follow your thread religiously.

HTH

OMG, Thank YOU!!! I'm honored... :blushing:

Let me see, do you feel that your needs are not met? That even when you do ask you feel that you haven't been heard?

Do you feel that he tries to punish you for your past mistakes? That he is completely selfish, and grandois in his thinking about himself?

Do you not speak up for fear of what he might say or do? Do you work and if so, do you come straight home? one: so he -knows- where you are... Two: so that you can 'take care' of him...

Do you avoid going places? how many "friends" do you have?

Are you constantly trying to prove to him who YOU are?

There are always options, HTH...I didn't think there were...the best things I did, was come here and start going to Al-anon...that's what has worked for ME!

I hope that you will continue to post and fine comfort here...these days I don't feel that I have to post ALL the time...LOL..I can actually go for a few days and be okay...

You will be just fine...do you have a thread?

Rin, you just described my whole relationship. Especially after my EA, it's all about the punishment for him. He has made it clear that instead of going out with friends (which I RARELY ever did, it was with only girls and to things like garage sales and after Christmas early morning shopping) I should be avaliable for SF. I make sure he knows exactly where I am. Now I am completely transparent to him- although he says I am still not trustworthy. We are almost 2 years (in march) from D-Day.

I am now pregnant, and things are a ****smidge**** better. We'll see.

Anyways, not to threadjack. For some reason, though I can reply to people I can't start my own thread. I emailed tech support but no reply.....

HTH

I recommend that you read "Co-dependent No More" by Melody Beattie...I purchased it new for a little over $11...

-THIS- was what I was searching for the entire time...I related to the VA, the EA...The PA behavior...

For ME, it took me leaving to get over what -I- needed to over come...the more you learn about yourself the better you will get...

No TJ here...feel free to drop in anytime and post...I'll be happy to share my strenght, hope, and experience with you...ask questions, whatever...k?

You will never be imposing...I may need you more that day than you need me! Same goes with OP!

Good Morning! I have to say that it's been an awesome one...


LOL

I just wanted to mention that this has been the best Christmas I have had in a LONGGGGG time! I may not have POWS in my life, and I'm okay with that, but I have gained wonderful friends and a TON of PEACE in my life...

Still grieve the lost of my *SHOES* from time to time, LMAO...but I'm great! I honestly -KNOW- what joy is these days!

POWS contacted me, via email, yesterday asking my opinion on something for OS for Christmas! HE WAS SHOPPING!! ANOTHER AMAZING THING!!

I happy for him...it appears that he is a better part time dad then he was a full time dad and that's the best that I can ask for right now...

I've been really comfortable in my mind with where we are today...

I would be extremely happy with him being the best father that he can be and since court he has stepped up to the plate...don't get me wrong...I was thinking about the conversation that we had the other day and there was one part that I -KNOW- was a lie but I can't PROVE it...and it's just not worth it...

basically, I heard him trying to telling me that he had papers drawn up for a MOTORCYCLE that I was in love with at the HD shop...I simply stated that we couldn't have afforded it...he said that he JUST had them tore up not to long ago...AND I said that I was STILL waiting to see what happened with mine!

I left it at that...that will all be resolved in the D...

I certainly don't know what he was trying to do...

That's the reason I perfectly comfortable with where I am today...there needs to be soooo much more growth on his part for me to go any further...

So do I love my life? YESSS, I DO!!! That's what matters...

Good for you Rin.

Take it for what it is. He no longer has a caregiver doing it for him.

It is probably a lot like a kid going off to college, they have to learn how to be self sufficient. I think that is what POWS is doing.

Since he is acting like a good boy now maybe you can change your nick name for him to something else???? A kinder gentler Rin.

Wonderful idea...it crossed my mind...good time to do it...

And THat IS THE imagine I have exactly in mind...b/c that's where I picked up at...in college...second year...we were living in the dorm our first year...just friends at teh time...we started dating in Sept. and moved into our trailed in Dec...from that point, I handled the money and bills...

dad of great sons: DOGS?

The entertainer: TE?

Or ET?

HMMMM.. harder than I thought...will go to STBX for the time being!

hardhead?
Stubborn?
Wayward liar? WL?

Growing BOY? GB?

How about STBX

LOL...I forget to keep it simple sometimes...LOL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DONE!

Hey Rin,

Just stopping in to do a drive-by "hello" and to tell you that I think you are doing great. I am amazed at your strength and resilience.

My H and I are still recovering, counseling, and getting better every day. His relationship with the boys - especially YS - has healed quite a bit. In fact, YS told him ILY the other night for the first time in a long time.

Have had some issues with FOW - unwanted contact - but are working on resolving those legally. Will post more when things are resolved. But we are working on this together and I think its great that she is showing what a lunatic psycho she is. Makes DH say WTF was I thinking?!!!

WELL HELLO!! I thought I was reading something about you the other day...

Good to hear! I'm so proud that things are working out! I can completely relate to where you where when I started posting to you...

I look back on that time and understnad where you were coming from...THANK YOU FOR THAT!!

Gotta love a drive-by!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

So is the name change offical?

Yes, I'm going to go with STBX, for the time...

I think that once I decided to change my thinking about the R with him that I was able to move forward...

you know...decided to HAVE A co-parenting one...I think that was the official moment that made things better for ME...

Well, see...head's out of the foxhole but i'm still trying my best to take cover...I feel like I have tons of options here...

So, STBX it is! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin,


Okey dokey. STXH it is then. And, for sure a co-parenting relationship.

You got some moxey baby! You know it's going to have it's ups and downs, right?

I know that I could go into the co-parenting thing with Drac right now as well - - it's what he wants. I just don't see any benefit to me in that.

So, as long as you see more benefit than negative to YOU and your Boys then I'm behind you.

And, if all else fails we'll go to Plan WCI (woodchipper implementation).

You want to know what I personally think...I think that STBX is/was SOOOO hardheaded that I had to go to Plan B first, then...Plan A...

he was so set on who HE wanted me to be that he wasn't seeing who I was or who I was becoming...

Now I can pop in, then out...and show him who I AM...

May not work...but he lost me, I didn't lose him...I can do better...he MAY not...at least not from the "kind" of women I'm seeing...okay, hearing...

AND Thanks...yeah, ups and downs..the way I figure it...I'd have them with or without him in my life...we all have to deal with difficult people...

We will see...one day at a time...TODAY'S GREAT!!! and no STBX today...

I like plan WCI!!! is that similar to Plan FU? I haven't done that yet either...of course, Spon. won't let me...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />outing:

I want to rent that billboard SOOOO bad...of well!