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James- I saw one while I was in Atlanta that said Don't Procastiate in 2008!

I find that I look at those signs often! LOL...I also like the fortune cookie thing on my computer and futune cookies in Chinese restaurants...I feel like it's a message in a way...

LD5- I hear you girl...some of the stuff you posted makes sense now...you know since you two have been back together...I asked a co-worker, who sees him often (has with OW) to let me know if he sees him again with her...he asked why, are you thinking about getting back together with STBX...I said I didn't say all of that, but we are being civil to each other and I want to know if he's lying to me...he stand that was understandable and agreed...

This is the same person that I asked not to let me know what STBX was doing b/c it hurt to much...

A little added protection for me is the way I see it...

Sis, LOL, I know you didn't intend it that way...but that's what it was when it hit me...like:"OMG, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" you know? LOL It was what I needed when I needed it!

HTH- I'm glad that my experience is touching you...I know that it is helping others as well...SO, James, I KNOW MAN! I KNOW...I don't discredit myself at all...my program teachs me this...I touch people's lives everyday...whether I intend to or not...b/c I'm valued, loved, cherished, etc...

I didn't know that back in the GAP!! LOL I felt unworthy of adding my 2 cents...afraid...of rejection...of speaking up...conflict...I LIVED IN FEAR...NOT GOING TO HAPPEN TODAY!

I'm not afraid to live my life without STBX in it...not in the least...GOd provides...

Fox- I DO need to make a list...LA talked about doing something similiar but I haven't gotten around to doing that...it's just in my head...stuff like I will not give up my friends, my board position, my job, my kids...my GODDESS wear...LMAO...my POWER...my own finances without someone else's involvement...like I will always have my own money...we(whomever) will split the bills and pay things separately...I'm not going to be in a position where I don't have funding available to me b/c of someone else...

Like I said I need to write that stuff done...

So there's my thoughts...oh, it appears that my financial problem has found it's own solution today...that's a little weight off on me...

I did want to say that all I have to give to STBX right now in addition to a co-parenting relationship is my program...I have some boundaries and things I WILL NOT talk to him about...I think it's easier to define what I WILL NOT DO, then what I can do...does that make sense?


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Thing that's foremost in my mind is -I'M not the same person I was!-

E reminded me of that and I'm sure that plenty others can say the same thing...

Yep.

Happy new year.

Why do today what you can procrastinate till tomorrow.


BS 38
FWW 35
D Day 10/03
Recovery started 11/06
3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby


When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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Hi Frog!

Thanks MAN!!

You know today I firmly believe that I have better control over my emotions and as far as STBX is concerned be more pragmatic with him...

I've thought about setting up a jar for him in my bathroom, a place that only I can see it, b/c it is for me, and adding pebbles when I see something good that he does...ike the pebble system I have for the kids...

That way I can -see- the changes and perhaps recognize a pattern more easily...

ANy thoughts?


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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It is easy to be good in short doses.

He has always been a charmer.

I think you always saw the good it just didn't outweigh the bad.


BS 38
FWW 35
D Day 10/03
Recovery started 11/06
3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby


When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
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Boy you got that one right!

It would be for good behavior that was NOT there previously...like I do the kids...reward them for behavior I want to see...

I don't know I not going to think about it...what it is IS what it is!

I'm moving on...MY PATH! CE LA VIVE!!


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Rin,

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I've thought about setting up a jar for him in my bathroom, a place that only I can see it, b/c it is for me, and adding pebbles when I see something good that he does...ike the pebble system I have for the kids...


I'm for this,,,, as long as the BAD behavior takes OUT pebbles too!!

Seriously, it's not an all bad idea. The problem I see with it is that it does not account for the TYPE of good behavior, which I think is MOST important here. JMHO.


BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07

"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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I am resurrecting the music thread to add some new songs of inspiration. Check out the song "Stand In The Rain" by Superchic[k].


Divorced on 3/25/2008 but I have primary legal and physical custody of my 2 kids.

Plan A Thread
Plan B Thread
Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
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Hi ALL! I had some good interaction with STBX...Friday and Saturday night...

I learned some things about him...his spirituality has greatly improved and he carries a prayer in his truck, next to the speedometer and he said that he reads it everyday...

He also admitted to reading self-help books. YOU DON"T KNOW HOW BIG THAT IS!!! So, I tested him tonight...he dropped off the kids and all of their stuff...

I asked him what he was reading now...he said that he didn't have anything, so I told him that he was welcome to go through my books...he picked two...

Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People
Elizabeth B. Brown

and

Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples
Harville Hendrix

Since he burned SAA and I couldn't find my HNHN, I brought another copy of each today...and they were in there with the rest of the books...

We had a good conversation after the kids went to bed last night also...it came down to I said that his A never ended as far as I was concerned...he said it did end but he still wanted her as his friend...I said that you can't have a friend who is an enemy to your marriage...he said that he didn't know that at the time...

I used my A as an example...b/c New Year's Eve I was called by my affair partner...I told him that I was contacted by him and that STBX, at the time, was continuing his friendship with OM, even through I didn't want anything to do with him...whenever OM would contact me I ALWAYS immediately told STBX...

So, I told him of the contact New Year's Eve, and I told him that I didn't owe him anything NOW, but I still felt that I had to prove that I was faithful to him and that I thought that was really messed up!

I told him that I still felt that I couldn't ask for what I needed for him, that it was pointless, but he had refused in the past...he asked what that was...I said NC, and MC!

I also told him in the conversation that I was not going to be a soft place for him to land that he just broke up with her a few days ago but how did I know that...

When he said that he had ended it with her when we were still together and I said that I felt it never ended, I also mentioned that the only option that I had left was to leave and get out of his way...

So, all in all, I'm planting seeds...

Last night I left feeling frustrated, there was no talk about us...like the night before...he got a TM that triggered me, it was late! He didn't want me to go and didn't tell me that until after I TMed him that I was home...we had drank a few beers together...and we have check points often around here...

So I said that I was home and that I left b/c I was frustrated and he asked at what...I said that I was triggered by the TM and that there are things that I want/needed to hear from him...

He TMed back that he can't control the TMs...that he was sorry...I said that I would deal with my stuff...he said that he really didn't want me to go...I said that I would see him when he dropped off the boys...

My expectations were getting in the way and I realized that so I did some reading on it before going to bed...with that I was fine...

THere is a huge difference in him...no negative ALL the time...admitted to enjoying cooking...he did an awesome job on the chili...I can see it with the way he handles the kids...BY HIMSELF...NO ONE AROUND, NO ONE IN THE CAMPSITE...NO ONE DO YOU HEAR ME...remember he had to have help for months after I left...that's all changed since court...

I asked him if he had hit bottom when he was telling me about going to the bar every night after I left and he said that he felt he's still in it...I thought to myself GOOD!

So, I'm still feeling him out...even told him that I was more on guard with him now that him and OW have broke up...I talked about withdrawal...ENs...and with ENs, I used my A as an example...explaining why I did it...told him that OM would come over, give me and the kids attention while he sat on the computer looking at porn...that he made me feel special...

I told him that I was addicted to the attention, the feelings that I had when he was around...that's all an affair is...it's like when you meet someone and you feel that high and then you come down from that high...

I explained how guilty and remorseful I felt after...and that's why I was trying to prove myself to him all the time...

I don't know where it's going but seeds help!


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
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perhaps it is just me Rin...and take this for what it worth...but reading your posts for the past few weeks....maybe even longer, has given me an uneasy feeling about where you are with your STBX husband.

I mean last night, you are sitting there drinking with your STBX and it seems like you are what...friends? He got a text...and he can't "control them." Bull pucky. He should change his number.

I just sense some "glitch" in your thinking and I can tell you from where you were at a few months ago, I am more than a little surprised.

Has your STBX gotten this OW completely out of his life...NO.
Has he gotten therapy for his abusive way..NO.

Sure he isn't being negative all the time right now...he realizes the divorce is almost final and he is reeling you back in...again.

Be careful.

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Yea, Rin..

What in the world is going on?

What is YOUR PLAN?

Are you FRIENDS?

Are you reconciling?

WHAT?

As I recall, he was ABUSIVE, resulting in you moving to a shelter and now you are socializing?

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />


I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Rin, it is typical behavior for abusers to keep their prey close enough to exert some control over them. i am certain that in many ways, your STBX (maybe???) is coming across as changed...but really, what has he done?

Abusers abuse Rin. It's what they do. When they have gone too far, they reel the victim back in with supposedly changed behaviors...then when they have you...they are right back to their abusive ways.

IMHO...stop with the get togethers...finalize your divorce and move on with your life. He is an abuser Rin. He lost a GF and now he is looking for someone he can control. Don't fall for it. You will ruin all the hard work you have done if you keep letting him in your life a little more here and there.

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Since he burned SAA


You say this so LIGHTLY..that is not a normal thing for a person to do...

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.it came down to I said that his A never ended as far as I was concerned...he said it did end but he still wanted her as his friend...

Rin, he didn't say that he WAS WRONG! He hasn't APOLOGIZED to you about what he did. He had the gall to sit there with you and say that he wanted her as his friend? To me, that's DISGUSTING..

Why do you feel compelled to tell him anything? Has he apologized for what he has done to you? Has he repented even though he has the prayer book in his truck? YUCK...

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So, all in all, I'm planting seeds...


For what?

He is the one that needs to do the work. If he wants you, it's simple. APOLOGY..NO CONTACT LETTER..you know the deal, Rin...

I don't get this, Rin...

You are being DISRESPECTED...

I am SAD for you...

He has not won the right for you to be spilling your guts to him...

He has done nothing...

He is probably BSing you..BIG TIME...


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I'll be the first to admit that I ahve NO clue what I'm doing...

the closest thing I can come up with is plan a...but it's more like feeling him out for me...

Mimi, I thought you said that things happened like my stuff in your sitch...

yes, I moved in with my Sponsor...I felt like I was trapped at the end, like I couldn't go anywhere...he wouldn't leave...he wouldn't let me leave with the kids...

things like burning my books and tracking me down and all the other stuff where happening while the affair was happening...I was fighting for my Marriage and he was fighting for his Affair...that all happened in the last six months that I was with him...

Yes, he was abusive at the end...and I was scared that it was going to go forth...


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
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okay, I just read your other posts...


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
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Rin - I'm with MEDC - I've been uneasy about this dance back to him with him making no acknowledgments or commitments for reforms to have this kind of unrestricted contact with you. And today in a very personal way, it's brought home to me that this violent dynamic in a relationship doesn't go away by sweeping it under the rug while you form a "new" relationship with a man capable of violence.

I can't go into details, but domestic violence touched my life again today. Indirectly this time - and I can't go into more details. This just doesn't go away that easily.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Ok...even giving him the slight benefit of the doubt...

HE NEEDS TO EVIDENCE REPENTANCE for what he has done or else you are ENABLING HIM...

PLAN A is for negotiating the end of an affair...

YOU ARE DOING ALL THE WORK, RIN..

He is giving you crumbs...

PLAN B is what you need to be doing at this point..until he comes to you on bended knee..begging for you to reconcile with him..

I can't recall the details but I felt he was ABUSIVE..

I didn't think this about my H...my H didn't BURN BOOKS and stuff..I wasn't AFRAID of him...he was HURTFUL in what he said and did but I wasn't AFRAID of him...

And he had to almost BEG me to reconcile and he had to evidence PROOF of his desire for me in more ways than one...

Remember...he found me a house, etc...

RIN..STOP THIS!!


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He is probably BSing you..BIG TIME...


EXACTLY.

When Mimi and I are in total agreement on this, you might want to pay attention! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It doesn't happen too often!

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Head up, chest out, Rin...

You are setting yourself up to be hurt, BIG TIME....


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domestic violence touched my life again today.



{{{{{KA}}}}}} I'm sorry. If there is anything I can do to help, please ask.

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Then I need help with a PBL...


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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