I mean should NOT WITH HIM...with OP...I'm not going to deal with him...back to being dark...

Ah, hence he's undeserving of MY BEST...

unless he's willing to give me HIS BEST...WILLING ON HIS OWN...I don't give him [email]cr@p...PLAN[/email] B...

B/c I am a giving person...always wanting to give my best...it's natual for me to put my best foot forward...

OKay...I think I get it...

What does that make him a renter/freeloader? Am what am I? What's the last one?

E- AWESOME SONG!!! VERY TIMELY!!! THANKS!

Dearest STBX,

I’m writing to let you know that I love you with all of my heart. We have two super awesome little boys together and for this I will forever be grateful; however, I have been trying to hold on to you and I can’t do that.

I think that you are an awesome person who has made some extremely poor choices that has caused a world of damage to not only me, the boys, but our family and friends. It hurts too much to be around you knowing that you have not realized the extent on the damage that has been done. More than anything I would love to have you as my husband but that’s not what’s best for me right now, not the way that you are. I see a man who is trying to pull his life together but who still has so much more growth to do.

In order to have you as my husband I need the following things:
Marriage counseling
No Contact with any of Our Affair partners forever
Individual counseling

It pains my heart to have to let you go but at this point I’m not good for you and you are not good for me. I want to give you my best and I want your best but I can’t see that happening right now. I appreciate you backing off and giving me my space but until you can accept my terms I would appreciate that contact be limited to email ONLY in regards to the kids, no more small talk, no more hugs, no more acting like we’re just friends, this only adds to the pain.

Sincerely and with all my love,
Rin


Email or hand write it?

I don't like the letter and see no need to send it. Show him by your actions that you are not interested in spending time with him.

If you must write something consider something that doesn't say her is an awesome person...he's not...I also do NOT understand why you would say that you would love to have him as your H...he has done nothing to warrant this view.

All else being said Rin...IC is NOT batters therapy...he needs that and it will take a long time to complete...and frankly, there is nothing in this man's actions that has shown he is worth that investment of time.

My advice to you...simply, back off. Let your divorce run its course and focus on repairing YOU. Frankly, you are not a good candidate for a relationship right now...WHY? because it is important for you to have an understanding of what that will look like so that you are not just accepting someones crumbs.

Be still...focus on self improvement....

If you want to give the letter...just do the last paragraph...and skip the "with all my love" in the signature.

value yourself Rin.

What if he reads this and says okay I'll do it? What then? Do you let him move back in? Do you stop the divorce? Are you REALLY prepared to reconcile right now? What would you do?

okay..no letter to him...i was feeling it and had to write it down...

PM-D would still go on, no he could not move back in...i would do the same that I was asking him to do...

personally, I don't see him agreeing to the terms away...since I'm building myself today, I wasn't sincere when I wrote the other PBL...today's is sincere...

Today, i'm grieving...i'm doing my very best to let him go completely...why, b/c I have too!

I'm trying to get the dream of some day down the line out of my head...

STILL living with the illusion that things will get better...

not the easiest thing to let go of...this thought has been in my mind still I left, actually years before that...

The reason I asked that is because I did not require anything from my FWH when I allowed him to come home other than a desire to come home. (I didn't know anything about MB.) It took us much longer to recover than it should have. I got lucky because it could have been just more of the same. More hurt. More pain. More financial ruin. Eventually it all hit him like a ton of bricks... what he'd done. The idea scenario would have been for that to happen BEFORE I let him come home.

Just looking out for you girl.

Thanks PM, the last couple of days has my self esteem all knotted up...I certainly feel like there something "wrong" with me these days...

i feel like I'm in a fight and I'm tired of fighting...

i've felt that way here...

Like MEDC...why do you say that you don't see me ready for ANY relationship that I need to work on improving self...

b/f the crushing blow I was thinking and looking at where I could go on my next trip into the world...visit another state that I haven't seen...NOW, I want to hide and blend back into the background and not be seen or heard...

why?

Find someone with the same mindset as you.

Buyer is the last one. Some people are Buyers before they should be.

If you have two buyers working together giving it THEIR individual best the whole will be great.

It was in your enabling caretaker nature to find someone that needed that.

Strip away the enabling and caretaking and find an EQUAL.

Now when I say equal it can be a yin and yang equal.

To Buyers is what is needed to have a great M. IMVHO.

I don't know what it makes him. I would say he is a freloader with renter tendencies.

He can make you believe he is a buyer though when he needs to.

I wrote that hours ago and couldn't get back in to post it.



Maybe because you were thinking of starting a relationship with your STBX.

That may indicate you aren't ready yet.

MEDC- I'm having an extremely hard time talking, dealing with this...I want to shut down, not talk to people...but I know that's not what I need to do that I need to reach out but that's awefully darn difficult right now...

Frog- no, not starting...we had talked about what if something had happen to us years ago and I said that I wouldn't go out and find someone else b/c what if we ended up back together...that thought had BEEN in my mind all this time and I'm haivng a difficult time letting that go...

STILL hoping and wishing like I have ALL these years that SOMETHING would change...HA, still putting my life on hold in a way for HIM...BLAH! YUCK!

What makes him so important is the question I think that I need to get down to the bottom of?

WHAt makes you want to shut down?

The way I feel...which I can't describe that really well...but if I don't talk to people, I get to calm down and not feel that...the world is happy and bright again...

Here you go: Crushed, lousy, defeated, empty...it's like someone is ripping your heart out..

I had to look those words up on my list that I printed when I first got to MB...

and you are feeling this way now why?

She's feeling this way 'cause she still has love for him and now has to go through WITHDRAWAL all over again..

The same WITHDRAWAL process that WSes have to go through after NC...

What you aren't getting I don't think, Rin..is that THE ONLY CHANCE, IMO, that you have for true reconciliation with him is for him to REACH HIS BOTTOM and he won't do that or REALLY CHANGE unless you do PLAN B.

Do you understand or buy what I am saying?

And in ALL FAIRNESS to someone else, Rin, you have to get over him..go through the WITHDRAWAL process and be finished with him..before you can REALLY move on...

Focus on yourself..your own PERSONAL GROWTH..without his interference..

He can change but he must do it on his own..without your presence or interference...

LET GO of the need for control..it's the CODEPENDENCE, Rin...

Have you read CODEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beattie..great start...