Well, I'm back in my dark cave...i get it...and I apologized for my behavior on the previous page...

I have that one and another, but I'm currently in the middle of another one...

Rin:

Are you talking to me?



Are talking about BOOKS?

Yes Ma'am! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

i have Codependency No more by her and two other books..

Mimi- That happens to be the Book I'm reading right now! The other ONE is also by her called: Beyond Codependency and getting better all the time.

For some reason I was thinking that I had three of them...but the other one is Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend...

Anywho, I'm halfway through it and want to read her other one after this one...

I have a meeting tonight...THAT I REALLY NEED TO GO AND LISTEN TOO...good time to keep my mouth shut I think...still working my steps...

Rin,

My sponsor once told me that there is a reason why we have two ears and one mouth. Or I often hear, take the cotton out of the ears and put it in your mouth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Sometimes I say a prayer before I go into a meeting asking G-d to help me hear the messages that he wants me to hear.

I was reading your last few posts. Girl, you and I have such similar feelings and thoughts. There is no way I can offer any advice, however, I care and am reading along praying for you.

Queenie

Do you feel defective? B/c that's the way I'm feeling at this particular moment...

I didn't feel that earlier and I haven't in a long time...when I think of being codependent...makes me think defective...being attracted to STBX, makes me think defective...

Just for this moment in time, I feel defective...at least I don't feel like I'm crazy anymore or have major anxiety, or feel that the weight of the world is on me...

I believe that I will hear something I need to hear...

I am a Child of God..and I do not feel defective...I turned my life over to My Lord and Saviour many, many years ago...

I used to feel defective..not at all anymore...

There's a reason and purpose for everything..much good for me and others has come out of my EMOTIONAL ABUSE...

It was DONE to me..I am not responsible for what was done to me...

I CONTINUE TO MAKE THE CHOICE TO GROW..to be born anew..to rid myself from EVIL influences and people who do me harm...

I HAVE PERSONAL POWER now...

You can gain PERSONAL POWER, too, Rin..

You can TAKE CHARGE of YOURSELF and YOUR LIFE...

Strivin, I'm sorry you feel defective. I think you're human. Now you see the best hours of STBX's time, instead of the worst. So it makes deposits.

One of best friends IRL is going through this same struggle right now. We had a party together the other night. He told us they were thinking about reconciling. I think he believes this. She says she feels so comfortable, so normal with him right now. He's the man she fell in love with again. She said it's easy to forget how dangerous things got.

How it was "her fault." How she "made him" do those things.

Then, she got a glimpse of the other side. He told her how she's so happy now. If she'd only "been like this" then, they would've been happy together. Been like what? Unafraid?

Hon, I'm so afraid for you. What happens if you let your guard down, and he schmoozes his way back in the way so many do? My mom is still married to her physically abusive husband after 23 years. He only stopped physically abusing her when my brothers got old enough to threaten him with physical harm if he lays a hand on her again.

I encourage you to put your knowledge of MB principles to work for you. Go dark, and let the darkness do its work. Let these recent deposits fade back into their true perspective.

Or at least wait until your H gives you real reason to think that you're safe now.

Do you have You Don't Have To Take It Anymore by Steven Stosny? It talks about how to know if he's changed. I found this at his compassionpower.com website:


(((Rin)))

I just felt that way earlier...I didn't feel that way when I admitted it...

I know GOd doesn't make junk...old stuff...too much old thinking today and I vow to stop this minute...

So, I went to my meeting, it was on mistakes...I listened...which it not normal for me...but on WEd. I bring the kids with me b/c we have just opened that meeting and few people attend plus they don't mind...

I didn't want to speak about my stuff in front of the kids...but and old timer, literaly said come on you must have something to say...and I thought about it...

SHe had said that sometimes we think that we want something but when we get it we reality that's not what we wanted at all and that's where I am...-I- thought I wanted something but there lies the fantasy...

I want what he can't not give and I was okay with that...I have to become okay with that again and it won't take me long...I think that I accept most things well...I realize I'm stil grieving what I had and what I thought I had...

It's the letting go...that's the hardest part...I wrote a new prayer for him this morning...

Love -is- a choice! I'm chosing not to love a man who chose not to love me the way I need to be loved...I'm making a conscience effort...

I learned alot today about ENs and ME...I can choice to allow someone to meet my ENs or not...I know what they are and in what order they are...

I'll be alright...

Hiya Ears,

Thank you for popping in...I'm dark again...as of yesterday...so have no fear Rin's here! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm being corny b/c that's all I ahve right now...and that doesn't happen often either...

I don't have a whole lot to say right now...tonight...big day...last three days have been a battle for me...

You know it's really hard to believe that the grass is greener on the other side of what I had...I tell myself often that there's someone out there that will love me the way I need to be loved...deserved to be loved...but I don't TRUELY believe that...YET...I know it's there somewhere...

Can't think about that either right now, b/c that's in tomorrows...not today...

Today, I'm finishing my art project I got for Christmas from my mom, going to read a little, and who knows what else...

Pray...God's will...live in the solution and not the problem...the problem is not codependency, the solution is knowing and sticking to me...

I LOVE the sound of that!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



The FIRST person that has to love you is YOU. Remember, RIN is HERE and that comes first. No one can love you until you love yourself...that you stand up for YOURSELF..that you don't allow YOURSELF to be MISTREATED.

Rin - I so know the feelings...

In a way I'm still going through that cycle because I won't let my husband reach his bottom because of the implications for me.So I grapple with my money fear... alone...

Okay, Watch out GUYS and GALS...I'm back in full force...I went to bed kinda of early for me and I've been sitting here, finished my srt project, and been thinking...

Well, the old Rinster will be adding to STBX suffering ASAP...I was actually hoping that STBX would screw up come tax time b/c it benefits me more...well, he had...he has gotten himself into a finacial bind that I have been sitting back and watching the NSF letters flood the mailbox...he's had about 13 or so come in...anyway, last Wed. he announced that he would be late on CS...that he could give it to me this coming Friday...

Which is fine, but if I don't get it Friday, I will be calling my lawyer about it AND I file my taxes ASAP every year...according to our law b/c of the income that he provides to the kids, I can not claim them unless he is behind...so if he's not current by the time that I'm ready to file, guess what!

That's right!

I also mentioned earlier today that I have been waiting on this real estate lady since before the holidays...she had some family issues and we proposed well, I figured I would wait until after the holidays to call back to remind her. Well, I did and she had not returned my phone call so tomorrow I will be calling to get someone out here ASAP...

It's amazing how quickly I bounce back these days...

As far as loving Rin, what's not to love! I mean I am as unique as my name and there are far and few women who are like me with the talents and skills that I have...I may not embrace all of me from time to time and struggle with not liking my shortcoming, especially when they get in my way or I'm just being plain out stubborn and wanting what I want when I want it...

I COULD go into a REALLY LONG LIST OF WHY I love myself these days but -I know- and that's enough...

So like I said I'm up and running...I'm still not comfortable with everything that has occurred, dealing with my filter of the future, but I know that I have to stick with today and not even throw myself there...the past three weeks has been all about the future...and what if's...well, what if's don't work for me...I'm going to have to flush another what if piece of paper down the toilet AGAIN!!!

Stop worrying about the grass being green and deal with that one day at a time...one step at a time...(Did I just hear MEDC whisper that's right? NO WAY!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> )

I'm feeling really strong and confident right now...I can stop kicking myself and just deal with it...I saw what I wanted to see and I didn't like it...Ce la Vive!

I have alot to accomplish with this property settlement so I need to keep my eye on the ball...tuck and run! Head down with the sole purpose of crossing that goal line! So, I took a pretty hard hit, dazed and confused me, I learned alot in the process...Lesson learned from the mistake...AGAIN CE LA VIVE!!!

(((KA))))

I'm sorry that you ahve to make that choice...Tough love huh?

Mimi- I guess that standing up for myself will come more in time...I know that taking my trip to Atlanta and having to make my way through that city alone the first day was HUGE stuff for me! The confidence I gained from that! Remember I mentioned wanting to take another trip, well, I DO, and I'm looking for the end of Feb. beginning of March! That's what that trip did for me...I'm no longer afraid to do something like that on my own!

I want to see snow, huge amounts of snow, well, maybe not HUGE amounts...but enough! LOL I want to see the mountains! Not rolling hills like I have! I stick with STBX and I can just throw that stuff out the window...

:mumbling: him and his toys...

Alright I need to get back in bed! if I can say anything affect me more, it's my lack of sleep! I'm the Queen of POWER naps! 15 minutes and I'm go to go...well, maybe with a cup of coffee sometimes!

MOF, I'm going to treat myself to Starbuck's tomorrow, I haven't had that since Atlanta...maybe not tomorrow but before the weekend is up...I surely will not sleep if I do it tomorrow evening!

Okay, off to bed, with my faithful companion! SHe's a trader to OS these days and can do without YS pouncing on her! She loves her momma!

:shruggin: And why not? She spends more time with me than them!

Wow Rin,

What insight. I want to hear what you love about yourself.

Queenie

Yay, Rin!

(High fiving)

You are incredible. You are inspiring. You are so, so strong.

(((Rin)))

Thanks, Rin, for the update! For reminding me that we can get back on that staircase just as quickly as we get off.

::Raising my coffee mug to you::

Good stuff Rin. I can't wait to see what your future holds.

Morning! Thank you everyone...PM, I look forward to seeing what that holds also...

LA, told me that she thought I was dwelling before Christmas and she was right! So, I'm still struggling with that but I'm working on it...no more what if's...that just slows me down...

EO- I've done alot of footwork in the past two days...not easy stuff...I didn't understand that plan B is TOUGH LOVE and I would rather learn that now then when something happens with the boys...it's not easy to get out of the way and allow people to fall...I hear it all the time but this is my first experience with it...

Sis- I'm just learning now what you seemed to have already learned...LOL...you know my SD told me several times that I'm learning stuff he's just now learning at his age, 65! WOW, huh? I take that as a good for me, pat on the back type thing...so thanks for the support...the reminders of where I need to be to keep on the straight and narrow...very blessed to have wonderful friends like you guys even when it's difficult to hear...

Skins- LOL, I'll give you the short list:

1) I am mechanically inclined and am able to troubleshot
2) I have a propensity to work with work, built things, put things together, take them apart, see how things work...
3) I love hard
4) I'm smart, both street smart and book smart.
5) I'm a quick learner from my POV
6) I'm beautiful, I use to think that I was average, today I don't...
7) I love football, hunting, the outdoors...that's wonderful things about me!
8) I don't mind getting dirty, working on a car, cutting grass, etc., but at the same time I can dress for the ball, which I have to find someone who has tickets this year so I can go! I already have a dress! WHOO HOO!!

There you go! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Now, you have to share eight things about yourself that you love! LOL

MOF, if everyone would like to do that here that find with me...I might learn something else about myself that I love! Guys, YOU are included in that invitation to share! LOL

hey EO, no I don't have that book but I did put it on my wish list...I have a line of books...

i think that I will head over to the used book store and pick it up b/c if I don't I will forget about it in the future and not get it...this way I will have it at home and it will serve as a reminder...

i'm not reading as much as I use to b/c life is easier and my awareness is greater...

So thanks for the suggestion...

OT, i called another realtor and this time there's going to be a small fee for getting it done, but she will be calling me to come over Sat. She wants to work on that this weekend so I might have that ready to go for Mon./Tues...then I have to figure out the next step...

I also talked to my Mom and she was asking for a favor which I couldn't do, so I explained the sitch and she's going to help me out with some funding which is in relation to STBX and CS, the stolen money from my trip, and a few other things...

So, I've got things in forward motion...back to focusing on me, I mean REALLY FOCUSING ON ME...not like I thought I was...

You go girl!

Hey Rin,


1. I love my growing relationship with G-d.
2. I love that I haven't keeled over and died, but continue to forge ahead each step, whether I really want to or not.
3. I love my ability to love my WH even though he probably doesn't deserve it.
4. I love football and lacrosse.
5. I love that I have almost lost 80 lbs.
6. I love reading and learning about things
7. I love my adventure and spark for life
8. I love that I am a girl and like boys, and I like to be treated like a lady. I just wish I had someone who does that.

Your strength just glows today. I need to really go back and read your story. I need much inspiration today. I'm just kinda in that place where you were yesterday.