Agreed, thus I am not in a relationship at this point.

That's a fair question and the most honest answer I can give to you is that I'm not sure.

In part, my inability to trust is a defense mechanism. It is spawned in part from my absolute knowledge that in its current state, my selector is broken.

What I don't want is to be trusting right this minute and then make the same errors that I've made each time before.

So I'm absolutely unsure. I don't like the way I feel. I don't want to feel this way about others. I know it's not fair and not always going to be accurate. But to proceed with total abandon is to put in force a broken selecter so that I can injure myself again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It's a dilemma and I'm torn.

great rhetoric, nice woe is me post.

you have no plan of action to overcome your issue. what is your plan to overcome your trust issue?

why are you generalizing about women when trust is an individual label earned by every person with whom you interact?

you need reprogramming! how and where are you going to get this done? because so far, you haven't learned the proper skillz by yourself!

where are you going to get help?

wiftty

i will agree with wifty on this one which does NOT always happen (lol)

going back into therapy has been what i needed.
it is NOT easy. it is hard. i would rather stuff and not look at myself at all or why i do what i do. most times i do not want to. i HATE not being able to control what goes on around me. i HATE that i could not MAKE exh stop having affairs and want to stay in the marriage. i HATE that i cannot control "bf" and make him see my side because darnit, my side is right! (sarcasm).

you cannot fix this alone. i cannot fix why i make the choices i do alone either. ultimately i am the one doing the work, but my therapist puts me in the right direction.

as wifty said.. what are YOU going to do to get help for this so you change this pattern?

mlhb

I guess the only thing I can say that I'm actually doing at this point is choosing to not date.

It seems everything is going so great and wonderful and yet I still feel so broken <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You need to work on yourself and make sure you are 100% ready to trust and committ before actively going out looking for a partner.

It takes time for that to happen. Years sometimes.

Best of luck.

My ex wife was a constant church goer. That does not mean anything as I have learned. In the end she claimed god wanted her with the OM. Imagine that! Their god wanted them to violate numerous commandments and their wedding vows. I wish god had told me he had changed his mind. It would have saved me a lot of grief.

Note the small 'g' in god. I don't blame the big 'G' fellow, just their little 'g' guy.

So, it has taken me a long time to learn to trust but one thing I realize is that all people change and I must not mistake change for deceit or consistency for virtue.

Or, a happy old man who has found other interests, made lots of new friends, and learned to enjoy life again.

A year after my D was finalized, and nearly 3 years after moving out (it was his idea to get the D, but I chose to be the one to leave) - I am finally enjoying life the way it is now.

No regrets. I am not lonely. I don't miss my old life. I don't miss being married and I am not looking for someone to replace my XH. I have lots of friends and people I share my life with, and that works for me. I actually feel like I am more fulfilled now - my friendships are voluntary and sincere, something that was missing in my marriage for quite some time. This is way better, without a doubt.

I also have hobbies and interests, and never run out of things I wish I had more time for.

I hope for you that you find your own peace and a new way for yourself.

Hi ThirdDivorce,

Maybe I should change my name to SecondDivorce. I'm on my way towards that now. I'm not sure if I can technically be on this board <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. I do understand alot of what you are saying. I don't agree with all of it (more about that coming) but I do understand. I'm going to tell you a bit about my journey and hopefully you will find some tidbits in there helpful.

1st H, I married him before I worked through some serious childhood baggage. I married what felt "normal" to me. It was far from normal. He was an alcoholic who actually quite drinking but then lost his personality because he had been a daily drinker since he was a teenager. He had no life management or coping skills unless he was drinking. I honestly did not know he drank that much until after we married. He was skilled at hiding it and that was the way I knew him. The people who cared for me...well they waited till after we married to tell me the red flags they saw. After I worked on my childhood issues it became pretty clear. I divorced. I was a different person then. I would have had to be me now to have realized what I was doing, what was happening. Live and learn. I did both. Time to move FORWARD

2nd M. I moved to Europe and married a man who never wanted to marry me but didn't have the guts to tell me before we got married. Up until the day we married he was fabulous. Then he freaked out, treated me horribly, and after that it turned out he wasn't even close to the guy I thought he was to begin with. He admitted it's not easy to be Cary Grant long term. Ack. I was (sometimes foolishly) determined to make this work and after almost 7 years we have managed to become roomates who get along well. He doesn't know how he feels about me and can't say the work to make a real marriage is worth it. I've decided to move on and move back home to the States. I feel sorry for him. Someday he will understand and he has alot of people to remind him of the one that got away.

When you've gotten burned it's hard to trust. And multiple times...well of course it's really hard. And the fact that you did pick these people to marry, well that means our judgement is off. There is SOMETHING wrong with us, there has to be. I've felt that way. Sometimes I still hear that little voice that tells me there MUST be.

When I have those thoughts I need to break it down a bit.
When you lump it all together, well, you just get a big ugly lump. So use your analyzing skills and analyze each woman/marriage individually. Look at yourself in those situations. Who were you being? What were your goals? Who were they? What happened?

What I get from you is that you really want to love and care for a woman. You really want to be upfront about who are are and who you can be. You are honest about your faults and shortcomings and want to be accepted. And you want that in return. This is the way I feel and what I want. And my never ending question is "Why, when I have so much to give, can I not find someone who wants to recieve it and give it back to me in all my wonderfulness <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />."

You have to analyse it all and do it well. Find out what you didn't see that you should have, what signs were there that you chose to "miss", etc. Maybe even accept that some people are so good at the "game" that you really didn't have a chance. You had something they wanted and they did what they had to do, or were who they needed to be, to get it. It may not even be about you.

Stop telling yourself you are broken. Ask yourself what is true about that statement and how you benefit from believing it. Then let it go. Decide who are are and who you want to be. Use this time you have on your own to figure it all out. We have to begin to trust ourselves again. I believe that is where the answer lies. You said you are constantly surrounded by people. Make some YOU time. Some real down and dirty thinking time.

Trust that if you end up in a simular situation you can deal with it. You can handle it and you will get through.
Trust that you are wiser and you will see the REAL warning signs. You don't have to make them up to protect yourself.
Trust that being the best you and living your best life will bring you that which you desire in a mate.
Trust that you will find those things that you need to work on and that you are capable of making the necessary changes.

Think about this, if you are so busy looking behind you, you will miss what is going on around you and what lies in your future. You will never find that which you seek.

Best to you,
Symphony

SoL, That was awesome!

3D, I've been noodling on this. It seems to me that sometimes, it's wise not to trust others. For example, would it be wise to trust OJ? No, it would not.

If we work through any issues we have that have impaired or damaged our "radar," we can then trust our gut on people. Then, I think we can safely trust those who are trustworthy, and steer clear of those who aren't.

Hey G!

You know, I agree with you. I think tapping into our gut (intuition) is how we can really develop our trust instinct. In our heads we can make up all kinds of reasons we can't trust, play the old tapes, over-analyze. When we go with our "gut" we know something is off. You may not now what it's trying to tell you, but it's telling you something.

I think people often don't know how to interpret that intuitive feeling so they dismiss it and try to rationalize it away or they trust their head more than emotions (both of which are valid).

Sym