Hey Limbo......how was the game?

Hope you enjoyed it.

Acey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Why D-Day 4? Because he pretended to NC 3 times.

He seems to get that this is the end of the road for the WS in my life.

I am really scared to go home and have him go back to work.

Appointment is for Wednesday.

On the happy side, we all love Boston, Fenway Park was amazing, and all are now Red Sox fans. DS 13, in particular, has already had his heart broken by the Red Sox. Cried his eyes out when they lost tonight.

Hi Limbo,


Glad to hear you feel there might be hope. He's a smart man; he may be handicapped by the fog but hopefully that is a temporary condition.


Is he willing and eager to speak to SH (or just acting out of obligation)?

We had MC the week you went on vacation and 'fear' was my main hindrance. MC was very helpful and I posted the following on my "Trials & Smiles" Recovery thread:


I've heard this before and you possibly have, too.

I think I internalized it this time. My FWH is really trying to prove he will do anything to help me heal. But I was slapping him down everytime I voiced my fear. It's natural to have the fear......but I have to make an effort to fight it just like my H had to make an effort to overcome his choice for fog.

F.E.A.R is crippling to recovery.

FALSE [color:"red"]The difficult part is that our fears have been TRUE so many times. I know, my sig line shows it, too.[/color]

EXPECTATIONS [color:"red"] What we experienced is what we expect. But we have to break that cycle and expect that WH is truly remorseful and will follow through creating new expectations.[/color]

APPEARING [color:"red"] Yeah, we do see delusional images because of the paralyzing fear. But we can refocus and slowly begin to see visions of the relationship, marriage & family we desire.[/color]

REAL [color:"red"] What is reality? I'll include my sig line with MC's saying that I actually grasp at every time my negative fears seem real.[/color]

I am taking baby steps and my H appreciates my efforts. Last night the 'low fuel' light came on in my car. I usually voice my fear......"oh....we're going to run out of gas and have to wait for AAA services on the side of the road". Instead, I bit my tongue, reformed my thoughts and said "we should have enough to get there (emergency call to help a friend) and you can fill up after you drop me off."

We did. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

FWH noticed and appreciated my efforts at seeing the positive. It added to my Love Bank account. Later he made even more overtures to prove he was trustworthy and that one of the things he loves about me is the way I care about helping others. (And he giggled at my tongue-biting determination, too.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

I don't want to minimize your tasks at hand. It will take more than baby steps (having faith for gasoline), but you have to start with 'seeing what you want' to build your faith.

Instead of fearing it, try to visualize being home as an opportunity for you and your husband to conquer this [email]cr@p.[/email] You need to fight it in order to overcome it. If you prolong your vacation (fantasyland) your H will not be able to exercise his new commitment (if it really exists.)

If he does not have the opportunity to face his demons, you will remain in limbo-land.

Don't get me wrong....I feel your fear. But I want to offer the tidbits of truth that are helping me overcome my fear.

Maybe you could make a list of the things you have already overcome and the assets you have regardless if your WH chooses to earn his "F" for 'former'.

* From your posts, I note your health and weightloss (of nearly half your previous body weight) as a major accomplishment.

* You say your finances are in order, another major asset.

* You have marketable skills to fulfill your need to contribute to mankind or to make a living if need be.

* You have 3 kids who love you and need you to be strong, especially DS13.

* You have the support of your MB family, your virtual warriors praying for you and encouraging you.

There are so many things I don't even know that you can add to the list. This will build your faith to start chipping away at your fears. Try to see going home (and WS returning to work) as an opportunity to discover the rest of your life. If he follows through, your life will be with him; if he does not, at least you know where you stand....no more limbo-land.

I am continuing to pray for you.....you can do this. Thanks for checking in when you can.

Acey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Limbo,

I'm following your thread and grieving for you too. I don't have much to add because I am in exactly the same sitch as you. I'm 53, been M 34 years, and have had 4 broken NC too, even after all of the "I love you's, don't want a D" etc. I've decided that I'm moving on at this point. I'm drained and have nothing else to give.

My DD25 is out of the house (although we have problems with her), but I don't know how I would handle it if I had a special needs child like you do. That's a tough one.
I'm thinking of you....

Acey,
Thanks for the 2 x 4s. I accept them in the spirit they were given, and will think about what you are saying to me when I can come up for air.

Knitgirl,
Thanks for the thoughts. If my H had not been so spectacular before, I could not still be here. And I am terrified to go home. Meanwhile, he is sticking close and acting like he wants to take care of me.

Hey Limbo......

You can do this! Don't let that OW have any more power over you. I guess my encouragement may have been perceived as 2x4s, but thanks for considering them.

I'm praying for you to have peace. Glad WS seems to want to take care of you, your heart, your mind and your body, (when's your next surgery)?

{{{{{{{{{{((((((((Limbo's Family))))))))))}}}}}}}}}}

Acey

Hope you have a safe trip home, Limbo. Look at this as an opportunity for WH to prove his commitment and you to build your faith and trust. Baby steps.....for both of you.

I'll be praying for you.

Acey

Limbo,

Don't forget to breathe <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You can do this. We will keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers

FTS <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks, all.

We are home, and tired. I have H's email access and pager.

I checked his email and there is nothing from her. I discovered that the NC letter had a mis-typed address and did not get delivered. H says he will resend.

He has asked me what else I need for tomorrow morning. I do have some things in mind.

We were up most of the night arguing. Most nights of the vacation we were up late arguing.

OUr appt with SH is Wednesday morning.

(((((((Limbo)))))))

Thinking about you. Glad you have SH on board, and it sounds like H is at least sort of cooperating -- asking what you need, giving you access to everything, etc.

Are the arguments you needing to vent, or are they about you guys seeing things differently? He has an awful lot to prove to be arguing with you .... I'd think "you're right, dear" would be a primary staple of his vocabulary these days!

I'm a little biased, though .... guess that might not help a recovery much.

I'm praying for you.

-AmI.

Arguing has been a lot of my venting, late at night, when his self control is limited. I have heard a lot of "This is all my doing" from H.

He did the things I asked tonight. NC email was re-sent, she answered in not too gracious terms, and he chose not to read the answers or ask about their content. He asked me to delete them. I did.

I asked him to take me to his office and show me what was there. To see if there were any messages/notes from her. There were not. He let me look in every drawer, pointed out a couple of places I did not look. He was not snippy or defensive.

I would try to stop the arguing. You are supposed to be looking like a more attractive alternative than the other woman.

Tomorrow I proceed with a couple of things I need to do for **me**. I have my pre-op appointment for my next plastic surgery, scheduled for 8/31.

And I need to replace my car, have made a final decision as to make/model, and have begun negotiations. I plan to complete that deal before surgery if possible.

I am the family car negotiator. I do pretty well, as a rule. But I am a little bit drained, to say the least, and maybe not at the top of my game. Dang the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

I can't do too badly if I already know I can negotiate downward from invoice on a brand that is known for being sticklers to MSRP.

A little distraction is good for the soul.

Tomorrow, H works a very long day. Thank goodness I have OW's nasty replies in hand.

Hi Limbo,

This post sounds encouraging:


This sounds like a huge change. In spite of your arguing, it sounds like he is controlling his attitude and becoming willing to help you heal. That is a good sign for starters.


Did you print hard copies of her recent reply or are you talking about previous nasty OW emails? Having these could backfire and stunt your recovery. I know from experience. After D-Day #3, I read OW's emails to me over and over and marveled at her ability to lie. It was almost therapeutic, but it also kept me dwelling on the impact she had on our lives....giving her far too much power over me for too long.


Hope you find/get the car you desire. Yeah....it is good to be distracted at times.

Glad you arrived home safely, Limbo. Now I hope your WH will help keep your heart safe, too.

I'm praying for you still.

Acey

In Limbo,

I've never posted to you but I have been following your thread. I bet going out of town was the last thing you wanted to do right after finding out NC was not in place. From a FWS POV it was a good thing you went. It's easier to not think about the AP when a person is not in their normal surroundings. This allowed your H to say things differently than he would have if you were home. From a WS POV being out of town was always better than being enthralled in the constant reminders. It's very hard to explain how different it feels to be away than home, but I hope you get my gist.

I'm glad your H is doing what you need from him. I hope it continues.

I'm curious to see what SH will tell you on Wed. I wasn't surprised he told you to hold off on exposure because you were out of town. Are you working on your exposure stuff, yet? My guess is now that you are home it will be time, but we'll see what he says on Wed. From what I gather of your story exposure was never done. I hope you are going to expose this time.

I did a little searching, but couldn't seem to find your whole story. Does the OW work with your H? I know you mentioned he is willing to move, I hope he will continue thinking that way. The best thing you can do is get out of the area. I believe you mentioned he is a Dr. My H is also a Dr and he and I were discussing your situation yesterday. He wondered how your H had planned on picking up and moving if he has an established practice. I don't want to be a downer, but my H said your H may come up with all kinds of "excuses" why he can't move now that you are home. My H left his practice that was an hour commute to work at the same institution I work for (which is also the one FOM worked for). It was a no-brainer decision based on the package, with the biggest bonus being a 3 min commute, but for my H it shoved FOM out the door.

There are practice opportunities all over the US. My FOM is also a Dr and didn't seem to have any trouble leaving his practice and finding a new one. Don't let him use this one on you if you really want to move. Start pointing out all the opportunities you see in the back of the many medical journals he probably receives every month. Also expect it takes time, too. My H had to give a 90 day notice when he left his former position as did the FOM when he left our place. If your H is in a sole private practice it may be a little more tricky, but it is possible. Edited to add: My H started the interview process in March 05 and started the new job in Oct 05. Like I said, expect it might be a long process.

I hope your H is willing to go to therapy to find out what it is in him that is missing that he keeps doing this to you.

Big hugs to you and your family. You are a strong person to be going through and handling what you are.

I wish you the best.

LC

Hey Limbo,

How's it going? Hope the reality of being home will bring resolution.....or at least the start of it.

Lifechoice,

Thanks for reading and now for posting to Limbo. You have far more insight and it is interesting how your perspective sheds some light on the arduous tasks she and her family face. The medical profession is different than many other corporate positions.....too bad the effects of the A have no mercy on one's position in life. (At least it's a marketable field.)

Interesting about the WS "away from home" comfort zone. I wonder why Dr. Harley says that going on a long relaxing vacation is good for the BS just after a D-Day. MarriedForever mentioned that a few days ago before she left for Arizona. It did save our M when we left for 10 days (alone 24/7) so I had time for WH to prove he was serious. Yeah, I argued a few times, Limbo, but it was mostly my fear and triggers talking.

I'm praying for you. Hope your car negotiations go well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Acey <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Lifeschoice,
Thank you for posting to me. Yes, H is a physician. Moving will be complicated and take a long time. OW used to be his office nurse, now works at a hospital in the next town (but one of the ones H has to use.)

I do think being away was helpful. It did give us some time away from the current environment.

Acey, I'm OK this morning. Surprisingly peaceful, after 2 weeks of torment. The nasty emails from OW to H's email account are helping. He is not reading them. I am reading them,forwarding them to myself, and deleting all traces from his account.

I am finding it interesting that she is lashing out at him and trying to hurt him, and trying to hurt me. And some of the stuff she is writing is just not very wise.

That's nuts! I don't get these OW that write back and get nasty and ridiculous. What in the world does she think whe will accomplish? Guilt him into coming back to her? And what exactly does she have to get ugly about -- someone else's husband not being faithful to HER??? Duh!!

Sorry you're having to deal with it, but glad you've gotten to collect this ammunition. Was there anything that could be restraining-order worthy? Or that could go to her bosses ... might encourage HER to be the one to move.

I guess that wouldn't help much since you've already said that you don't want to live in that town anymore. Maybe it's best to leave her right where she is.

You mentioned that you're holding off on exposure right now, per SH, but what about exposure on HER side? Are there any good targets there, like family, kids, parents, a BH? Do you think that might be helpful at all?


I'm glad you're finally feeling a little more peaceful. I can't imagine how the last two weeks must have been for you. Hang in there!


-AmI.

In Limbo,

Is it possible to block her emails? If so, do so. If not, delete them unread. She may be flagging them to have a message sent to her if they are opened. She may know if they are read and think she is getting to you. If you delete them unread and she gets a message stating so, it will speak volumes.

In our work accounts we can't block messages, but we can flag them like I described above.

LC

In Limbo,

I have another suggestion for you, your H needs to notify OW's nursing supervisor and state she is not to be the nurse taking care of his patients. When you do your exposure you should both write the letter, but it should appear to come from him. (I'm only referring to OW's supervisor, not total exposure stuff). Due to the patient confidentiality laws (as you are well aware of) none of the other staff need to know. Let her supervisor deal with it. She can tell OW the rules and that's that. Physicians have power, I've seen stuff like this happen when docs don't like certain nurses or techs for that matter.

I am a mammography technologist and FOM is a radiologist. After I ended the A and in the 2 years we (foolishly) continued to work together I did my best to avoid working with him. I even switched out of certain jobs with other techs to not have to work closely and alone with him. It is possible and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

FOM did the scheduling for the rads and did his best to make sure we were not scheduled at the same office, but when it did occasionally happen I avoided working with him to the best of my ability. There were times he tried to engage me in conversation and I simply walked away. This is what your H needs to do in the event she tries to talk to him. He needs to simply walk away w/o saying anything to her. He will tell you he feels rude doing that, but too bad, these are consequences of his actions and he will have to get over it. Set those boundaries.

I have to run. I hope this makes sense.

LC