I'm going to try and make a very long story short here. I only just recently in the past couple of weeks found this site when it would have been so beneficial to me much earlier but what can you do?

So, WW left to live at her moms at the very end of Oct last year. So it's basically right now a ten-month separation. We met in 96 and married in june 02, so we've just passed the five year mark but known and dated each other for much longer.

We had a very rough last year. I will say upfront that I was not the husband I should have been. Reading HNHN (of course after she left) I can see that I have indeed failed miserably as a husband. Not only from that book, but from the Bible as well. I got saved late Dec after I realized I can't do this on my own anymore, if I'd had God to begin with, none of this would have happened. Also I needed God to help me change, as I couldn't do it on my own. I can say with much praise to the Lord, I have changed quite a bit. Anyway, last year we were fighting a lot and I said some really mean things, and beyond that I tended to be really moody and neglected her a lot in the past. So things haven't been terribly rosy for a while, but it was mostly me just being a jerk and being hateful and it all came to a head right at a year ago in august. Meanwhile, she met a guy at work who she started talking with and venting all her problems to since I was not even close to meeting her emotional needs and so she ended up in an EA.

Two months later she moved to her parents house, but swore to me that she was not talking to him (yeah right). She said she needed "space and time to think" which obviously was code for "I want to date OM without you knowing". Throughout all of this time, she is exhibiting all of the WW behavior, such as: lying, making excuses, hiding cell phone bills etc. I am absolutely devastated at all of this, I still almost a year later can't believe it.. but the reality of the situation is I was not loving and cherishing my wife and well, it's true: you reap what you sow. I have learned that the hard way, and it is incredibly painful.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

We have gone out several times the past 10 months, and unfortunately I did not know about the lovebusters and now realize how many mistakes I made during this time.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I was trying to patch things up but it seems I may have made them worse. Anyway, in doing my own detective work I have reason to believe that the OM dumped her for someone else in may, but now I think she either got back together with him, or is seeing a new OM. Worse, throughout all of this, WW's mother appears to encourage WW activities so long as WW is "happy" no matter what. This is a real obstacle. Especially if I am to gather truth to expose the A.

Recently, as in the past couple months, WW has been completely avoiding me, as in ignoring my calls/messages and declining to go out with me and doing annoying things like telling me to call her on saturday so I can see if she wants to go out but then not answer her phone all day.

Now, there are a lot more details to the story but the gist of it is, I have repeatedly asked her for the truth but she is adamant she is not having an affair. There are a lot of little things that tell me she is, but I don't have real concrete proof of it.

How on earth am I supposed to expose the A if there is no proof? And beyond that, why hasn't she asked me for a divorce yet? I feel like time is running out, I don't know what else to do..<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is going to be rather difficult to Plan A her if she won't ever go out or talk to you. I do suggest you write her an apology, and let her know you are sorry for not being the husband you could have been. Don't make excuses, or give rationalizations.

Then see if she will at least go out once in awhile, and try to do the things that attracted her in the first place.

Actually I've done that already. In fact I did it in person, I went over as much as I could and asked her to forgive me, she said she did but probably wouldn't be able to forget. And during this time I still write her letters (snail mail) which she is not responding to. Anyway however, at that time I was not aware of a "proper" plan A. Sadly I only became aware of that and lovebusters since she's been avoiding me.

It may be too late, I don't know what to do<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

Well, we've had harder cases that got turned around. I would continue the letters and write how sorry you are, and that you now understand how a good husband should be. You do have a long history with her, so the odds are in your favor.

You might figure out something she really loves to do, and invite her to that, or get tickets, or whatever.

Exposure is going to be a tough one at this point since most people (not most MB people) do not consider dating while seperated an "affair." The length of time that you have been apart is also not playing in your favor.
B is right about the odds being in your favor because of your history together....but each day you are apart will drive you that much further away.
I agree that a letter should be sent that expresses your remorse for the behaviors that you know were wrong. Make sure that you do NOT take ownership of her decision to have an affair. That mess is hers alone.
I would also ask her for some direction at this point. Let her know that while you are willing to work on your M to make it wonderful...that you are no longer willing to just sit back and be the absent husband while she runs off and screws around with other men (please do NOT use my language there). You need to let her know that your M cannot and will not survive much more of this neglect and abuse. Take a stand and make sure that if any OM is married that it is exposed to everyone that matters to him.
Best of luck.

MEDC