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Joined: Aug 2007
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Tifosi Offline OP
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I don't want to even try to cover all of the things that have gone wrong lately. We've both been faithful so that's one thing that is not an issue. We have four kids and were high-school sweekhearts and have been married for almost 19 years.

I have ADD and don't take my meds regularly. I should and she wants me to but doesn't want to baby sit me and make me take them. The problem is that ADD people tend not to take them, it's kind of a catch-22. The ADD has lead to some financial issues but I'm working on them. She doen't see any of the financae but we are catching up. She thinks its because I don't want to change that I continue to do this.

I brought up counseling for us, which we've done in the past. She's not ready.

Right now she's in a situation where she needs to see some changes and commitment in me before she can try to meet my needs.

We have agreed on a 30 day separation. We're going to alternate days at the house based on work schedule. At the end of the 30 days, we'll assess where we are at.

My question is, is it too late. Is this her way of letting me go? She said she's scared that at the end I may realize that I'm happier without her. We have the same fears. I think she'll realize that I make her unhappy.

Insight anyone?

Last edited by Tifosi; 08/06/07 01:04 AM.
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Firts, if you hqave a medical condition in which you feel the drugs need to be taken. Take them to show your commitment to change.

Second, read the basic concepts at this site starting with the "Love Bank" and going into Emotional Needs. Then read on Plan A and practice it in order to make a better you.

Love Bank

Below is an outline of Plan A. Note the stick part may not apply so much if your W is not involved in an A. However, please snoop email, cell phones, etc to ensure there is no A ongoing.

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A by Pepperband

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


grindnfool
M-13 years
D-Day 10/26/06
Divorced 11.2007
DS-16, DD-9
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Tifosi Offline OP
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I did make some changes based on what I found here on MB. I still have some work.

In the past I did worry about fidelity and checked cell phone records, etc. I'm not worried about it now. She works with mostly men and has male friends. I'm okay with her having male friends. A while back, she was texting one guy a lot. I confronted him and her. He implied that she wanted more. I don't think it was even an EA, but I'm sure there was some flirting. I'm sure he made her feel good in some ways. I know they are talking again and I'm okay with that for the most part. The part I have a problem with is that he implied that she wanted more and I don't think I could forgive a female friend that said the same thing to my wife.

I know that if we were in the same boat that she would leve me if it weren't for the kids. But then again, we would be different without them.

I'm hoping this is a new beginning and not the beginning of the end. One of my biggest fears is that we both change, one of us decides they don't need the other but we'd also be so much more compatable.

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It's day two and I miss her. I started writing how I feel in a journal, something I never thought I'd do.

The first day she texted me (we are allowed to if it's kid related) and signed it xoxo, a ray of hope. I want to find something to call about, just to hear her voice.

Last night was tough, I had the house. I didn't sleep, can't eat and can't concentrate. Although I did start on my meds (one last Sunday and one tomorrow) for the ADD. I did some laundry and found one of her old ratty t-shirts she sleeps in, I just sat there holding it.

I wonder if she's going through the same thing? What did you go through if you were the one asking to separate? Would you have texted and signed it xoxo? I'm looking for hope.


Me: 38
DW: 40
DD: 17, 14, 8
DS: 11
In Love: 1985 (high-school sweeethearts)
Married: 1988
Separated: 8/6/07
Back Together: 9/5/07
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 254
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I know it is hard, but do not let yourself be pulled into the downward spiral of misery and self doubt. Try not to focus on the negatives. You need to occupy yourself, GAL, with something to take you attention of your sit.

I wonder also sometimes if my W is going though any of the hurt I am going through, even just a little. Not that I would wish that or want that for her, but I just wonder.

Her signing xoxo, may have been on purpose or may just been out of habit. My wife has slipped a few times since our separation and called me honey and dear out of habit.

Hang in their. Try to stay positive. Journaling can be very helpful.

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Thanks for the advice. I know that either way, I'm going to come out of this a better person. I've already commited to myself to take the meds, eat better and get back in shape...for me.

I have an appointment with a counseler on Friday. I'm interested in what she has to say.

Just last night I noticed a pile of mail/bills I ignored, knowing that they were going to have to wait. She felt like I abandoned them financially. Maybe it's the meds kicking in but I looked at that pile and said who wouldn't feel that way? If I would have organized them and talked to her about them, she'd understand where we were at...I'm such idiot because it's clear as day right now.

Remember I'm ADD, it's easy for me to shift my attention.


Me: 38
DW: 40
DD: 17, 14, 8
DS: 11
In Love: 1985 (high-school sweeethearts)
Married: 1988
Separated: 8/6/07
Back Together: 9/5/07
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 254
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Hope the IC gos well for you. I would like to find one for myself to visit, but have not really looked into it yet. I am worried I am going to waste money on one that is not soloution based.


"HAVE A GOOD DAY" or do you have something else planned!!!

Married: 15 years
Divorced: 07/07
M: 36 yrs
W: 35 yrs
S: 5 yrs
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The other day when my wife and I were talking she said she didn't want to be my mother. I've been reading the stuff on this site and doing some introspection. I've realized that there are so many things that I've done wrong and that I'm correcting because of this new awareness.

1.) I wasn't meeting her EN, unless you count wanting a 5th kid in the house. I'm not what a lot of the books, websites describe as the little boy needing a mother but there were enough traits that I can see why she felt like she was my mother. When's the last time a boy met the emotional needs of a woman?

2.) As for making our home a warm and inviting place. I realized the other day and even more today while getting ready for work that I rarely picked up after myself. I can see why she felt that way. It goes further but you get the idea... She comes home and has to clean up after everyone, yep that's inviting.

3.) There were no signs of self improvement, let alone consistant. I'm not saying I was not improving but it wasn't consistant. I've made a commitment to validate where I am every day.

There are others I could point out and things that I can point out where she isn't doing these things. I may be stating what many of you are aware of, so my appologies.
My point is that if your situation is like mine and you don't realize these things and make some changes, there isn't any hope for your current spouse and if you were to find someone else, it's only a matter of time before you're in the same situation again. Hopefully your spouse can realize some things about themselves too.

I want my soul mate back and I hope that as we are taking separate roads over these 30 days that we end up at the same intersection, going the same direction...together. If not, I know it's going to be a rough road but at least I know that I'll be on the right road.

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I just had my first meeting with my IC. Basic discovery stuff but talked about where my wife and I were at and how we got here.

She seemed very concerned about the friendship that my wife has formed with the guy at work. She pointed out that many affairs start that way and there's lots of things here about office affairs and them starting that way. Now I'm scared. I trust her but was/is it an EA? If they are talking again is it/will it progress. He's divoriced so he has some experience with going through it. It's chapter 1 of His Needs Her Needs. If I were fulfilling her EN, I wouldn't be worried right now but he has something to offer.

Last night I sent her an email professing my love and telling her I miss her (separate thread in EN). I broke the rules of our separation and I din't get any response. Is she realizing, she doesn't need me? Should I expect that she's leaving me at the end of this? I'm going to continue to improve myself but maybe it's easier to expect the worst case?

I texted her this morning asking if someone knew we were separated. Again no response. Is she following the rules or making a statement?

I'm very confused right now. Even with the meds my mind is racing.

The good news is the IC is squeezing me in next week again. THe bad news is that she wanted to squeeze me in, maybe she thinks I'm a basket case. I'm not sure I like the IC yet.

Any insight?


Me: 38
DW: 40
DD: 17, 14, 8
DS: 11
In Love: 1985 (high-school sweeethearts)
Married: 1988
Separated: 8/6/07
Back Together: 9/5/07
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 41
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I know that Nugget will respond so before you do. Your advice on the other thread was great. I've calmed down for the most part and will just let things run their course.

I am already a better person than I was on Saturday. That's all I can do.


Me: 38
DW: 40
DD: 17, 14, 8
DS: 11
In Love: 1985 (high-school sweeethearts)
Married: 1988
Separated: 8/6/07
Back Together: 9/5/07
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 254
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Tifosi. Our separations from our W's is difficult enough as it is. But, the thought of an A is devastating to think of for us. But, the hard truth is that there is not much we can do to stop one from happening or that is happening, except to prove to our W's, through our actions, that we are the ones they want to be with, not an OM. Probing, snooping, begging, blaiming, arguing etc. about an A to our spouses will only drive them deeper into an A if that is where they currently are or are heading.

If you have not already done so pick up a copy of Divorce Remedy. I use it hand in hand with Her Needs His Needs. They have been my marriage repair manuals, through out my quest for a renewed marriage.

Remember, stay focused on not backsliding (breaking the rules). Our emotions can be our biggest ally and our biggest enemy. Be patient, don't pressure her, don't plead with her. Just be there for her when she approaches you. She needs time for herself to think about where she wants to be right now and what she needs to do to be happy.


"HAVE A GOOD DAY" or do you have something else planned!!!

Married: 15 years
Divorced: 07/07
M: 36 yrs
W: 35 yrs
S: 5 yrs
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Nugget - You are a voice of reason and when I don't get caught up in the emotions I think just like you.

I'll be gtting that book today. I'm reading HNHN and am trying to finish it today.

I've been on a roller coaster these past few days. I know we need this to bring us closer together.

I had a good cigar and a few drinks with a friend last night and I calmed down. I wish I could send her your post so she'd understand.

All the best!

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Quote
I've been on a roller coaster these past few days. I know we need this to bring us closer together.
All the best!

And it will continue to be so for a while long. So hold on tight and try not to get to nauseas.

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I had a good cigar and a few drinks with a friend last night and I calmed down.
All the best!

LMAO did the same thing a few days ago with my BIL.

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I wish I could send her your post so she'd understand.

I honestly do think it would do any good. They have to come to realize this information on their own, just as we have. Can you think of a time now when your wife spoke out in the past about her unhappiness or some type of behavior that you had shown that she did not like, but you just wrote if of as no big deal or she was just venting and it was nothing. But, now you see how she was trying to connect to you. That is how they would feel if you approach them with this new found information that you have. She will think you are trying to grasp at straws to try to repair your marriage. She will have no interest in the new you or the change you are trying to make or repairing the R, until she wants to.


"HAVE A GOOD DAY" or do you have something else planned!!!

Married: 15 years
Divorced: 07/07
M: 36 yrs
W: 35 yrs
S: 5 yrs
Joined: Aug 2007
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I'm posting only because the original poster's dilemma sounds so similar to mine, with a couple of significant differences.

[I'll make a new thread if y'all think it's appropriate, so sorry ahead of time for hijacking.]

First, we haven't separated but she took the kids 800 miles away for a normal visit with her folks. Then one day last week, she told me that she had filed for divorce and wasn't coming home. She told me that she was no longer in love with me as well. Though I may just be in a very normal stage of 'holding out for hope', I am jealously clinging to the hope that we could save our marriage if we both wanted to, and that I would really change back into the man she married 10 years ago. However, I'm probably being foolish because I found some of her email correspondence with a couple of lawyers (one local and one on the east coast near her folks), dating back to Feb 07, so she's been planning this for quite a while.

She's already busy getting our children into daycare where she is, and is actively trying to get school teaching job back which I'm pretty certain she will.

Second, when you mix my ADHD and her depression, which she's battled since before we met, our situation spiraled out of control. At first, I'd find a new, exciting (to me) hobby and would become obsessed with it. She wouldn't appreciate the amount of time and/or money I would be spending on it and she felt that I was withdrawing from her.

I'd sense her withdrawing and becoming grouchier which would make me withdraw even further....

My two primary obsessions were tooling on/tuning/racing my car but the predominant one was surfing the internet. Initially, I spent a lot of time on the internet because I was (telling myself) that I was doing research about my car, however, the internet obsession got way out of hand when I found a free poker site.

After I was diagnosed with ADHD, things started making a lot of sense; like how my obsession of surfing the net was really calming for me...but I pretty much left it at that. I've taken Concerta, Stratera, and am now on Adderal, but have never really seen any major improvements. In addition, I never realized how much of a problem this ADHD was for my and upon my family, so I've never tried any sort of behavioral modification to help me deal with it.

Essentially, I'd withdrawn from most everything which left her to be responsible for everything; the house, the children, the dogs. The only help I've been, at least for the last two years, was only after she'd asked me to help. My dad tells me that I've always been like that, too. If someone else were to do something for me, I'd happily let them, especially if it were something that bored me or didn't give me a whole lot of mental stimulation.

Probably due to the fact that she saw me withdrawing from her, the sex began to dwindle greatly about 4-5 years ago but when we talked about it, I believed her when she told me that she didn't know why she had lost her sex drive. We attributed it the fact that she was always so tired from looking after my little boy all day long. However, in the last 2 years (and after the birth of my little girl), the sex has completely gone away. I know it's a pretty obvious sign when sex is gone, but I knew she was depressed and worn out chasing two kids around all day, everyday; and I felt like I was showing her how much I loved her by not pestering her about it.

I am seeing a therapist again to learn how to manage my ADHD, but I'm obviously much more enthusiastic about it since she told me she wanted a divorce. I'm obviously depressed as well and think I have been for the last year or so, but the therapist thinks that the depression is a direct result of the ADHD.

I know I've most likely left a lot of detail out, but the key thing is that I want her to come home so badly. While I recognize and accept responsibility for the reasons why she left (mostly my inactivity and very little emotional support for her), I also feel like the victim because of the terminal way she went about this. She's a very stubborn woman and she has made her mind up, so she is adamant that I don't get any more chances. I'm pretty certain there isn't another man, but I'm still walking around my empty house in devastated daze. It is something I've considered, but thinking about it hurts too much.

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I just re-read your post. I had to laugh because you have no idea how many hobbies I have gone through over the years. They all tended to be expensive and I'd get consumed with them. Add my "Go Big or Go Home" attitude and it was that much more expensive. I'm sure like me, you would stick with it for a while then you'd get board with it and find something new.

Did you get on meds for your ADHD and depression? If not, do it!


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