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I agree with you all - no response will be made. I have to say I was impressed with my reverse babble, though.

WWPBSD...LOL

Is it worth it to send that to my attorney for documentation purposes?

So option one for public school for DD is out. They have 400 4 year olds on the waiting list already. Checking other options there. The church one is only 3 hours and they have late stay until 2pm on Tues, Thurs, and Fri for an additional cost. After care for DS at public school until 6 is available and I will check that out. Might even be another option with another church just down the road. They go from 9am - 1pm.

I am working on getting a sessions with SH right now.

Mortarman, can I call you my wingman? You are dead on as always. Other than talking with SH and making proper arrangements for DD's school, I am not sure what else is left from a legal point of view. I can tell you that part of my proposal for mediation will be for us to attend co-parenting sessions with the IC we used to meet with together. She (IC) knows WW's tricks and won't fall any junk she tries to pull.

Guys and gals, help me see what other loopholes need to be closed so I make sure I am covered.


Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

WWPBSD?
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Oh, something else I found out by accident. I went to pick up meds for the kids, and the lady tried to also give me WW's prescription. It was BC.

Things that make you go hmmmmmmm.


Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

WWPBSD?
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You should take the BC and she whats she does. Make her squirm a little. Just a thought.

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PBS,

Okay, first...WWPBSD? PRICELESS!!

Second, if I were your intermediary (which I'm not), I would roll my eyes a bit at that email and just tell you it is WS Fog in written form. I'm sure you are aware that NO ONE goes through a divorce and "stays friends" and continues to have birthday parties and holidays together. I am a fairly good relationship with my exH and his family, and we SPEAK to each other with no animosity, but we do not have Christmas or celebrate birthdays together...even the KIDS' birthdays! Nothing personal, PBS, but any "divorce professional" (attorney, GAL, judge, counselor) will be able to see through this kind of talk as unrealistic thinking. Really, it's unhealthy to want to retain that kind of connection!! However, it IS a perfect example of how sometimes a mental illness means someone views the world through a skewed point of view unrelated to reality.

My advice would be no response. None is warranted.

You sent the info about the Back to School Night, right? It says something like, "I plan to attend from 5:30-6:30pm so I can have my individual time to see the school and meet DS's teacher. If you would like to attend before that, it would work best for me"...right?? You are splitting up the meds as I suggested, right (so she gets her own supply of the kids' meds and is parentally responsible for the ones at her house) right?? I think keep your focus on THOSE kinds of activities and do not use your time or energy to focus on her nonsense email. Anyone can see right through it.

Keep up the good work! Good job checking in with everyone!!

Your mama bee,



CJ

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Hey Mama Bee,

Yes, info on back to school was sent. Based on her response in the e-mail above:
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When there are events important for the kids I think both of us should be there for them
she thinks we should be doing it together. Of course she zeroed in on and took offense at the "best for me" comment with her statement:
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I'm saying this in response to when you used the language "best for me."

Yes, I put her own supply of meds in the backpack yesterday with a not explaining it. Guess what was in the backpack today when the kids got home - yep the meds. For some reason she did not keep them.


Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

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Yes, I put her own supply of meds in the backpack yesterday with a not explaining it. Guess what was in the backpack today when the kids got home - yep the meds. For some reason she did not keep them.

BUSTED!!!!! Did she even look in the bag? Mine tends to not look in there to even know if there is something for him. As you know, he left his iPod in there for WEEKS. I still wish I had done my original plan with that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I thought you would've left them at the drugstore. HA!!! Make her pay for them!


Me, BS 33
Him, WH 33
Kids, DS3
Married July 23, 1994
DDay-11/24/06 (day after T-giving)said he was unhappy & left
2/7/07 -mutual friend (co-worker of his) hinted if I thought he might be acting "improper" I might want to get it checked out.
2/14/07 hired PI to check out his A with coworker, someone I know!
2/23/07 Solid proof of A from PI
Sta: sep, primary custody, he has visitation
1st Med: 9/5/07
2nd Med: 12/12/07
1/8/07, found out violated RO with DS & OW
DV-Day....2/5/08 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
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busted is right - she did not even use the meds. But there have been nights I missed giving meds too so not a big deal.

Been doing some thinking - I've made mention of my own proposal for the upcoming mediation sessions. So far I have been letting WW do all the work, and she has, what little has been done on her part. I am just wondering if I should be more aggressive, or offensive, rather than being more defensive as I was in the past. I still want to save my marriage, however I will defend my family to the fullest extent that I can. Does that make sense?


Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

WWPBSD?
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PBS,

The fact that your WW took the "best for me" phrase as offensive is actually a perfect example of what is wrong with her unrealistic and unreasonable view of the world.

What you said was "...this is what would work best for me..." meaning that she was free to choose what would work best for her. She twisted it to mean that you were thinking only of yourself--which you clearly are not. You are going there specifically TO spend time with your son, see his school, meet his teacher, and invest attention on your children...AND NOT ON WW!!!

See how unrealistic and unreasonable her expectation is? She is actually just mad because you aren't playing into her games anymore. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Now...regarding the meds, let's just clarify that one of WW's "excuses" for contacting PBS was that one of the kids needs a med and he "forgot to pack it". He can only get a 30 day supply at a time, so I suggested he pull out a calender, figure out that HE has the kids 25 nights and she has them 5 nights, and he put 5 pills in last month's pill bottle and let HER be responsible for her own supply of meds!! Eliminate that excuse for contacting him!!

Naturally, WW decided to ignore the meds and deny being personally responsible. IMAGINE MY SURPRISE! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Finally, I'll respond about "being more on the offense" tomorrow. But I will say that I don't think you need to be offensive. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Your mama bee,



CJ

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Hey PBS,

Just wanted to say that I think you are doing a really good job here.


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PBS,

That does make sense. You have a dual mission...marriage and protecting your family. And sometimes, the two are in conflict.

First off, I hope you are documenting EVERYTHING. Second, remember...that judge doesnt know you from Adam...and doesnt know your wife either. What is presented is all he will know. So, if you have a battery of things recorded or have been witnessed, then it will paint her in a very bad light as a mother and wife.

Take the meds situation (by the way, I like the idea CJ came up with concerning dividing up the meds). So, she didnt remove or take the meds. Document it! This is proof that she isnt taking care of the children.

Now, how many of us have forgotten to give kid his med at one time or another. I believe almost all of us are guilty. But that isnt the point. Your job is NOT to cut your wife any slack. Your job is to protect your family. And if that means getting all of the info possible to paint her in a bad light, then so be it! That forgotten med should be added on to the other things she is doing or has done wrong, in your evidence...which will give an impression to the judge of just who she is.

Sure, he is unlikely to get the full picture. But, if you have hard evidence such as witnesses and journal entries, then the scale will tip towards the judge seeing your wife as someone that is more than she is making herself out to be. That she may be a risk.

In the meantime, your documentation and evidence of your job as Dad should be one of showing extraordinary care and concern. Above and beyond!. Journal everything you do with the kids during the day (by the way, the journal isnt the same thing as the notebook! The notebook should just have facts and info in bullet form, concerning the kids). There should be people (neighbors, friends, pastor, etc) that have routinely come over to have a meal or hang out, that will have seen how you are with the kids. These people should be able to testify or write a statement on their perceptions of you as a father.

Look, you are in a battle here. Really two battles. The first battle is the one for your marriage. Yo uare now in Plan B, and thus that battle is now left to God.

So, you must concentrate on the second battle, which is protecting your family. And that means pulling out all of the stops in order to amass so much evidence, that the judge will not be able to ignore the perception that you are putting forward, of your wife being a bad mother. So, you have to amass evidence that will give him that impression.

And example of one thing that I did was that I went to the afternoon daycare place my kids were going to right before my wife moved out. My youngest two would go there every afternoon after school and hangout there for about an hour until either my wife or I got home and picked them up. Well, think about this...when you pick up your kids, what do you have to do? That's right...you have to sign the log book! So, I went into my attorney and had him draft a letter (this was my request of my attorney) and he sent it to the day care center, requesting a copy of the last six months of the signout log. Once we got it back, it was interesting. Over 88% of the time, I was the one to have picked them up from the center.

Now, the reality. Because of my schedule and my wife's schedule, I would almost always get home before her. So, it was natural that I would be the one to pick them up. She would usually get home between a half hour or hour after me most days. So, did this log really say anything about her parenting abilities? To the judge...YES! See, he has no idea why my wife only picked them up 12% of the time...he can only see the cold hard facts that Mortarman has been there almost every day picking up the kids. And so by extension, it lays credence to the rest of my case that I have been and I am the one there every day taking care of the kids.

PBS, I cant tell you each individual thing you might be able to do. Each situation has its own unique little circumstances (like the daycare thing above). Adding in those circumstances, with hard evidence of her adultery, of her not being with the kids, of you being with the kids most of the time, of her missing meds, of her not coming to events for the kids, etc...well, the pattern of FACTUAL evidence will pile up like grains of sand that reach a huge pile that will bury your wife.

Be the one that takes care of EVERYTHING. I dont care if it is her turn to take them to the doctors. Or if she calls to ask you to take an extra night because she has to work. Do it! Do it because it will just paint her (rightly or wrongly) as having an agenda that doesnt include her kids...or at least not putting them first.

Remember, lawyers (like everyone else) are notorious for doing just enough to get by. Which means, unless you pony up a lot more money, then dont expect your lawyer to go digging too deeply for evidence. That is YOUR job. I handed my attorney a ton of evidence that I had collected.

And all the time, during Plan A...I was working on meeting my wife's needs. And during Plan B, I worked on me and our family...and let my wife look thru the glass from the outside. And she had no idea that everyday, the case against her got worse and worse, as evidence piled up in opposition to her.

And, she wont do the same! Count on it. WSs are notorious about being sloppy and lazy. That is why in the quiet times (like Plan B), that actually get lazier. And make more mistakes. In that fog, they dont think anyone can see them. But the one truism about the fog is that while the WS cant see out, everyone outside can see in!

If you need more evidence, dont you break Plan B to get it. Most of the time, things like the meds issue will just fall into your lap. Again, I stated above that the biggest thing you can do is document and get evidence that will show you as Super Dad. But, in my case, while I was in Plan B, there was still others monitoring my wife and getting evidence for me of her screwing up. I didnt know about it, because in Plan B, I didnt want to know. But, when it came time for court, I was shooting a howitzer...and all my wife had was a BB gun!

So, begin thinking thru all that you have and can do that will let you do as I laid out here. If you have any questions about something, bring it here and we'll go thru it and show you how to frame the issue to make it go your way. Just like the NC issue right now...your wife wants to spin the issue to make you look like a bad co-parent. So, what you do is get the MB perspective on Plan B together, get the documentation on why this is a good idea...and also journal how well this is working in the fact that information is being given and received in a timely mannar AND the kids are being well taken care of. That is ALL that judge is worried about!

Okay, I will publish this in a hardback form later (joke). But I hope you get the point. You have a lot of work to do. And you will have to remain vigilent. The one good thing is that your opponent wont be...so everyday you do is one more day you move further ahead of her.


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

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PBS,

Just have a few minutes, but now that I have internet at the New House, had to jump on to say HI!

You are doing great! It is AMAZING to me how Similiar our situations are right now. Drac has been sending "attorney approved, Covering his A$$" emails re:the kids, too!

I am really benefiting from the advise you have gotten, so thanks for that everyone!

Keep up the great work!


BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07

"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Thanks everyone for the encouragement.

Bugs - glad you are benefiting as well.

Well, WW TM'ed me asking:

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How do you want 2 do the school function this evening? I can feed kids later snack and we can meet u there. I think that might b easiest. Is there a good place 2 meet?

My initial thought was to reply that I already communicated my plans to her and she was free to go whenever she wanted. Is silence more appropriate here?


Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

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What is your PLANNED handoff of the kids?

At most, I'd send: "I'll pick up the kids at XXX place at YYY time, as planned."

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standard drop off is she brings them home at 5:30.

What I communicated to her the other day was I was taking DS to the school when I got home and she was free to take him before.


I just TMed her back "I already communicated my plans to you." Any other responses from her will go unanswered.



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PBS,

I realize I am writing this at a time that means you have already attended the event and thus what happened, happened. Here's the thing. You communicated that you want to attend the event separate from her in a healthy, respectful way--so you're covered there. However, just remember that she has the right to choose to be uncooperative, to choose to make bad choices, or even to choose to make a scene at the school event. You can not MAKE her be a better person or parent.

If you follow through with your plans as you stated to her and she just showed up or tried to horn in on your time, you can choose to leave--or stay on the opposite side of the school--or set a private appointment with the teacher and not inform your WW. But what you DO is document. Document that YOU followed through according to your plans. Document that you gave her 3 hours she could have chosen, and she chose to make trouble during your 1 hour. Document that you chose to leave/stay apart/whatever in order to not create a scene at the school for your son's sake. DOCUMENT--DOCUMENT--DOCUMENT.

And just one note about documenting. Do not write what you "feel" about things, or how you interpret it, or what it all means...just write the FACTS. Do it like a reporter: Who-What-Where-Why-When-How?? Write as if it were going to be evidence in court. Don't write abut morality and what's right and wrong--write about legality and keep that LEGAL perspective in mind.

[For example, I personally believe it is morally wrong for a mom to be married and have a boyfriend. However, that is not illegal. Thus documentation would not be about how WRONG she is to have a boyfriend, but perhaps facts about how it distracts her from being a good parent and makes an environment that is not healthy, etc.]

Let us know how it goes!!!

Your mama bee,



CJ

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I personally believe it is morally wrong for a mom to be married and have a boyfriend. However, that is not illegal.

It is in some states, like the great Commonwealth of Virginia. In Virginia, adultery is a crime!

Gotta love it!


Standing in His Presence

FBS (me) (48)
FWW (41)
Married April 1993...
4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B))
Blessed by God more than I deserve
"If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"

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Wish I lived in Virginia! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


BS (me)
ExWS -Drac
DD 9
DSS 15
D Day 11/06
Divorced 10/01/07

"You Can't Fix Stupid" - My Mom
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Just stopping in! Look forward to hearing from you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
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Heading out for a guy's road trip now, probably not NEAR as eventful as BC's trip <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The "meet the teacher" thing yesterday was interesting. Will post some details tonight.


Happiness is not having what you want, it's wanting what you have.

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More details, eh? A little tardy on your report, wouldn't you say?


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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