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_Ace_ Offline OP
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Affairs $UCK......period.

They SUCK your sanity and the stabiity of your family...at least it did mine.

My H's A SUCKED our savings and salaries and continues to do so.

As I was writing out the check for our MC yesterday, I wondered how much we've actually paid in re$ources in addition to the lost wages, bad decision result$ and emotional damage$.

Fortunately, we only had one huge cell phone bill that H was agonizing over paying w/out me knowing. No moving, travel, hotel, PI or other incidental A expenses.

I am also wondering how the financial impact affects the retirement planning concepts of both partners in the A. (That will be discussed on the "50 Something Shootin' the Breeze Thread" for those interested.)

Most 20, 30, or 40 Somethings don't even consider future financial impacts of one's A (job, career options, retirement plans) that may impact one's quality of life when one turns 50-60 Something.

* Has anyone actually figured out how much cash you've spent (or is still owed) on your (or your spouse's) affair?

* Has this expense impacted your ability to retire as planned....or was/is retirement even considered by you/spouse?

As mentioned on my "Trials and Smiles" thread, I had muliple ephiphanies at our MC session yesterday. One was my renewed passion for financial literacy education. My attitudes have changed now that I've experienced the betrayal.

If these questions are too personal, I understand. But if you can help by sharing your honest opinions, I would appreciate it.

Thanks for reading,

Ace

Edited to change title and add link on page 4.

Last edited by Justuss; 12/12/07 11:36 AM.
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As Colorado is a no-fault state everything had to be split 50-50 for the divorce.

Wayzilla left with $130,000 liquid cash and $125,000 in investment and 401K.

After my buy-out refinance I am paying $400 more per month to stay in the house I have been in for 14 years.

I do worry about retirement daily now and will have to become far more aggressive in saving and preparing for it. It was not how the plan was supposed to work.

And of course there is no "net" anymore. Personal health or financial crisis will be faced alone.

Fortunately, she did not put us in any particular financial distress during the affair. She is way to money conscience.


Oh, and I have had to buy some things to replace some stuff that went out the door with Wayzilla.

Last edited by chrisner; 08/09/07 10:14 AM.
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I have made some withdrawals from my IRA (all in all ~$6000) and my credit card bill is over the limit right now, I'm working to pay it down. I took on all of the utilities in the house and got CS and alimony (for the mortgage--not for personal use). I am down the $6000+ potential gains over the last year, and the credit card is going to be a biotch to bring down.

PWC has NO retirement savings; he is 33 years old. If we had gotten divorced, I would be struggling, no doubt, and I do not believe that retirement would be something that I could do.

The affair/s took the second income away, and my debt went from ~10K to now 23K. Yes, affairs SUCK!


Me-BS-38
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Divorced April 2009
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Let's see,

By the time all the child support is paid it should round out between CS and attorney's fees around $200,000. She gets CS plus full time day care at $450/month for the first 5-6 years (mind you the day care is false, she showed the judge the I got hired for $8.00/hour as a temp worker yesterday, in court, and the child was already 18 mos. old. She doesn't plan to work, just be supported by the CS and the rent on the 2 condo's from her X)

Then you can add in the $70,000 that went to both realtors (old house and new) because of the move and the $12,000 in moving expenses.

So, let's say about $300,000, if I'm lucky by my 63rd birthday.

I'm pretty sure, it wasn't that much fun

FTS


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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Well, financially I don't think I really got hammered as bad as some due to my wife's EA. MC about 2x/month x 12 months @ $40/session. IC at the same rate weekly for two of us for 2 months. Wife's hotel bill was about $200 when she moved out for the week. She begged me to pay for half the plane ticket to reimburse OM when she didn't go...I did. But my reasoning was simple...I didn't want him to have ANY excuse to contact her about anything ever again. So about another $250 there.

Drops in the bucket compared to most.

But...recovery= priceless.

My FWW just IM'ed me, telling me that she needed the car tonite. Didn't know what for, but no big deal. I'd asked if she needed me to do some running for her...she told me it was none of my business. DUH!!! Tomorrow's my b-day...I'm not even thinking about it, but I know that she's been setting something up. Talk about a change from things before...she never realized that just doing little things like having a card and a SMALL gift for me went a long ways on my birthday before...but she has really gone out of her way to give me a great birthday the last few years. (And of course I work hard to do the same for her! )

Its all worth it to me.

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Makes one wonder doesn't it, if someone were to show a "potential" WS the figures before they began the A, would they reconsider?

Probably not, they wouldn't believe it.

All in all, we got off cheap at probably less than $10K. But then we didn't have to move or change jobs or anything like that since OW lived 3000 miles away.

Bright note here is that OW lost out big time. She lost the freelance income she got from her job with FWH company and we exposed her for collecting disability from another country where she was supposed to be living. Not sure if they want after her to repay or simply stopped all future payments. But I do know that she defaulted on her mortgage and lost her home.

That knowledge still brings a smile to my face.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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Ace,

Not sure this is my situation, our financial problems started during marriage and mainly due to "he cannot manage money" and drinking. I know he did not spend money on her during 2 month time.

Figure in what MC costs are going to be and roughly $1,000 but we needed it anyway, even without affair.

My resentment is the fact that he blew about $30,000 from IRA trying to start a business when he lost job and I moved and when you drink and procrastinate about everything, you do not need to be self-employed. So now "he" is in some trouble paying his debts and unable to share household load and I resent that I have to get over A and help him financially, too.

Today is our session with MC and will cover just that. I already emailed her that is what I wanted to discuss, am I OCD or just a control freak???

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Well, let's see. We lost our home to foreclosure ($170,000), I lost one car-- repossessed ($5,000), lost my brand new car when it caught fire while he was driving to see OW ($23,000), lost my job ($50,000/yr), his trailer and all his equipment was stolen because he left it parked at a friends while he was spending the night with OW ($5,000), he wrecked his brand new Trooper ($25,000), he ended up in the hospital for two weeks ($??$?), he couldn't work for a long time (?$$$?), he went to jail for DWI and with probation, fines and attorney about ($5,000).

Retirement? What's that?

We're still paying in some ways for his affair(s) and probably will be for awhile. If I looked at this everyday I would be overwhelmed and discouraged. So I don't. I just trust God to provide. He has and does. Every day.

Yep. Affairs $UCK big time.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Oh and those are just the big ticket items. I'm not including the money he spent going out, buying gifts, wine, jewelry, flowers and such.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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OWL,


HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!


FTS


Me BS
D Day 4-2-2005
OC born 12-2004
DS 21, DS 12
Married 1993

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Recovering....it's a long road, even with a dedicated FWH
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_Ace_ Offline OP
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PM,

Interesting to note the OTHER EXPENSES as assigned (by the A). That's a whole new aspect. Also the behaviors that led to the A that cost funds in other areas. If you count that, we lost houses and cars, too.

Will respond to other posters later. Thanks for your replies.

Any others?

Ace

PS HHHHHHHAAAAAAAPPPPPPYYYYY Birthday, Owl. Hope the mods know so you'll have a cake by your posts tommorrow.

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I lost everything. My husband left me and 3 kids in a bad way. We went without electricity for 1 week, and that really sucks in a rural area of TX. All my stocks, 401K, Mutual Funds, etc. are gone. Bankruptcy on my record, lost everything - house, vehicles, and now have horrible credit for the next 7 - 10 years. Moved from a 5 bed home to a 2 bed apt. He really fought on the child support, claimed he was "soo broke" but was able to get her a customer made engagement ring. And all for nothing, because now she moved to a different state. Turned out she didn't want to marry him after all. Divorce is final tomorrow; I guess he was only worth having while he was married.

So I'm starting over from scratch. With really bad credit.

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GRRRR, Acey ... you had to bring this up!

He took our 22K from the 401K and blew through it on a month long whirlwind trip to Florida, for which he paid everything, including her them park tickets, hotels, food, gas, EVERYTHING. It went for an apartment, new TV, dishes, a guitar, and everything else you need to set up house on your own. Mind you, he STOLE the money, without my knowledge.

He also racked up a credit card to the tune of 10k which he is now paying off, interest on it at 30% because of late payments.

We spend tons on counseling as well.

When he was gone, I got extra work load of 800 more a month. Where does it go? To pay off all this crap. So essentially I am working extra to pay for his lay.

This is why he has a second job now.

All this part makes me ill. He'll work himself into the grave for all of this. Wow. I hope it was worth it.

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We got off light. We had to move to ensure NC - cost us $10k rent and other expenses. That's pretty much it.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
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I can't really complain so much after reading some of these, people have really suffered, what a chain reaction!
if I look at counseling, that has been countless dollars
my rent, I moved out and still paying on a house that I should be in.
hmmmm, lots of women, lots of hotels, gifts,
I guess it adds up
some sad sad stories thats for sure.


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
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Whoa,

I have no complaints in this dept compared to the horror stories I have read so far. In fact our money problems have nothing to do with affair, if it did I think I would have divorced him, I would have not paid for that.

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_Ace_ Offline OP
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Hi Chrisner,

This is very scary for many of us now:

Quote:

I do worry about retirement daily now and will have to become far more aggressive in saving and preparing for it. It was not how the plan was supposed to work.




Sometime, I'm going to post some related thoughts on the RECOVERY FORUM "50 SOMETHING" thread. Glad to see you wandered over there today.

It seems to be therapeutic for some of us to let it all hang out $o we can face reality and act proactively (like you are) instead of re-actively like many others....and when that happens, our social services will NOT be able to handle the fall-out.

But with God ALL things are possible. I have a miracle in the financial restoration area to share later.

Thanks for sharing and getting this thread started. I'll try to respond to all soon.

Ace

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I read somewhere (or heard somewhere) that a divorce can cost a million dollars all told over a lifetime when the impact on the kids is calculated in, plus the expenses of two households afterwards. I can't remember the source though. I remeber I heard this right before a court date and then told my WH this. His face turned white and I really thought he was going to pass out.

I have no savings, no retirement, no health insurance benefits, living in a rent-to-own home that is much smaller and older than the home we were living in when he left for OW. I work in food service and my feet are still hurting from two weeks ago LOL. The lucrative career field I quit to be a stay-at-home-wife/mother has changed and I can't depend on it for steady income and benefits.

WH was making $55 per hour when he and OW 'hooked up'... (word around town is she was a real 'mall rat' and attracted to the $ plus she tries to pretend she's 'high class', I think she was just a temp secretary where he worked and then was selling candles at home parties, she had a kid from another man and didn't even have her own place yet, was staying in an apartment with some female friend or relative)

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_Ace_ Offline OP
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Silentlucidity,

Quote:


PWC has NO retirement savings; he is 33 years old. If we had gotten divorced, I would be struggling, no doubt, and I do not believe that retirement would be something that I could do.




Y'know, meremortal's info is quite sobering but I wanted to reply to your post yesterday first(......eventually I'm hoping to get to all.)

I'm assuming you're around the same age as PWC (btw....remind me of the PW....I think 'C' was for Chuck or Chunk or something like that... ). So that would give you roughly 30-40 years of 'working income' based on retirement at the usual time.

But "usual" is changing. Most of us baby boomers will be reinventing ourselves (another topic for the 50 + or = Thread). GenXers (born after 1965) and GenYers (when that line starts is still debatable).....will probably do the same.

My point is....don't give up hope. Retirement of the future will involve doing things you are passionate about.....for pay. At least that's what the 'experts' say.

One retirement model could have sort of a "commune" approach.....we're all bartering and trading services to survive!

In the end, trusting God for guidance has helped my FWS and me keep peace in the face of 6 digit financial devastation even before the A.

Ace

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My XH didn't have an A... but his post-M relationship bears striking resemblance to one.

He began by paying GF rent instead of his credit card bill. That even affected my credit as he'd neglected to remove me from the account as he'd agreed to in the divorce agreement ... took me 2 years to fix that. His card went into arrears and his credit went down the toilet.

He cashed his 401K. He put 2/3 of it into our business (at my request - trying to save him from himself at that point, at least in the business he might get it back). He whizzed the other 3500 into the wind.

He used up all his airmiles. He used to travel a lot for business and he had a reserve of airmiles in case one of us had to travel home for a family emergency (sick relative, etc.) - those were gone. Not a huge deal... but our parents are getting older, and his dad was sick last fall.

When he moved GF and her kids in, he spent the next year in overdraft. His bank mail still comes to my house, and I can't even tell you how many of those little envelopes that notify you that you're overdrawn and thanks for the $30 service charge arrived in that time. I had stacks of them for him - left them for him at the shop - every few months I would hand him a pile of them and ask him to take them home. I don't even know the thousands he spent just in overdraft fees, not to mention the money spent on her and her kids to get him into overdraft.

To my knowledge he still owes back taxes in our home country. I doubt he's ever paid those and the interest and penalties probably exceed the original debt.

I managed to preserve my good credit (after I fixed the blight that XH placed there)... manage my limited income... stay afloat. He seemed to have thrown caution to the wind.

Our business used to pay his cell phone bill - $60/month or so... UNTIL one day I opened a bill for $700. Ummm no. Since then he's complained to me that GF's daughter rang up $200 for "her share"... he got GF and her DD each a phone on his account. When they moved away again he either had to pay a fat termination fee OR he may still be paying for those phones... I'm not sure.

We were nearly foreclosed upon last year when he was so far overdrawn that the bank bounced his mortgage check for our house... I had to do some fast dancing to borrow to put that right - then I had to take him to court for contempt to get repaid - add $1000 in legal fees (judge made him pay half back to me - he should have paid it all to me - I didn't cause that).

It's amazing how irresponsible people become in relationships like that. When he and I were courting back in the stone age, neither of us would have done that to ourselves, let alone to each other.

I just don't get it.

GF eventually moved away again, but XH is still very much 'involved' with her. I guess once the money tree was bare, she moved back home... but for whatever reason they are still in contact. A "true love" wouldn't sponge up your money and then leave (she never worked in the year she was here). I guess XH doesn't realize that yet. Sad.

JinGA


F/40, DD15 DS13 M 1989 DDay his EA May 1998. S Aug 2004. D Dec 05. I filed. 4/07 Post-D Plan A with 180, with hopes of R. 6/23/07 XH said no to R. 8/24/07 Went on a date with someone new, "B". 1/22/08 Still seeing B, life is good! Learning and growing each day. Ask me about Geocaching!
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