The cr*p recurs, you hear it all the time, see it all the time, and then the waywards feel validation that everyone is doing it, can't be so bad if it's everywhere. I HATE infidelity. Make up your mind where you want to be, and if it's not where your committed then finish that relationship first before you move on to mess up someone else's life.

DS doesn't know about FWH's A or the OC. Therefore, the philosophical stuff, to me at least, sounds strange.

I agree with those that believe the COM should be told when older , but there is no reason to discuss it when the kids can't even understand what adultery is yet.

.... but I would still give up everything in the world to be able to undo it all and only live a mediocre marriage in my fantasy of what I believed was a good life. I would still take that life over this one any day.

Would you rather have the mediocre fantasy of what you 'thought' was a good M (but was only mediocre) or the potential to have a fantastic life amd marriage because the A gave your R a wake-up call it needed?

Just wanted to point out one of the costs of divorce that is not monetary.

Would you rather have the mediocre fantasy of what you 'thought' was a good M (but was only mediocre) or the potential to have a fantastic life amd marriage because the A gave your R a wake-up call it needed?

I would rather have a fantastic life and marriage WITHOUT the affair. We have a great marriage today, IN SPITE OF THE AFFAIR, not because of it. The affair caused enormous damage to our relationship that took years from which to recover.

Given his tendency to not be as responsible as you with money, why is he responsible for the "other" checkbook?



Not talking about "responsibility" regarding his financing his affair, but responsible to balance it and know how much is in the account type of responsibility.



Is he responsible for the other checkbook to "share the burden" of financial management? to give him a sense of autonomy? so he doesn't feel like he has to ask you about major purchases?



Isn't your worry about him not responsibly tracking the account creating a burden on you? your marriage?

I'm trying to get my H involved in our finances, handling, knowing what's going on, the way I have the budget, etc. I am not apposed to changing anything except saving for future.

How have you and your W done this? Or how would you like to be broached with this type of info?

Hi mvg--

"I'm not the financial person is my household"



This means I don't carry the checkbook (my wife always needed it more often), she reconciles it every month, she writes the checks for the bills.



But we do go over the budget together -- we have a spreadsheet that tracks our bills and breaks them up between the 1st and 2nd half of the month (old habit from military paydays).



If we are thinking about a major purchase, we discuss where to cut back or how much savings to use.



If we get a windfall we discuss how to use it (save, pay off debt, purchase, etc).



It may be the way things are in your house, but you said, "...the way I have the budget...".



He may not have been involved in creating the budget or managing it, but if both of your paychecks are used to support the budget, then the better way of looking at it is, "...the way OUR money is budgeted...".



Again, he may have been a silent partner or uninvolved, but it's still a budget he supports with a paycheck.



It's easy, as my wife and I both learned, for one spouse to assume too much ownership of the budget.



I applaud the fact you recognize this -- it should be a team effort.



If he claims he "doesn't have a head for money" or "doesn't want to be bothered" by the budget, then it probably has to start slow.



At the beginning of every month you might sit down with him and spend 20 minutes over coffee or dessert and look at the budget together or, as I've started doing, looking at where all the money went the previous month. I was surprised one month, as was my wife, at how much we spent eating out the previous month. A real shocker. Helped bring our spending back in line.



One other thought, and this is just a half-formed suggestion (that's my disclaimer), is approach him with a budget problem. If he's like me (and many guys) he's a fixer. Give me a problem and I'll help fix it. Ask him to help you respread the budget (if it needs it) or something like setting a long term goal: saving for a vacation (in addition to regular savings) or a new car or boat or TV or something would be a way to entice him to pay attention.



"Honey, I was thinking we could use a new TV (immediately you'll have his attention) and I was looking at flat screens at BestBuy. If we put aside some money every paycheck for XXX months, we could afford a nice one. Can we talk about how we can 'find' that money in our budget?"



My wife and I have had several successful conversations like that. Not about flat screen TVs, mind you, I still don't own one of those.



Just some thoughts, mvg.




The important part, in my opinion, is to keep it brief, non-confrontational and focused at first. Draw him in to wondering what really happens with the paycheck he brings home.

Is your H not financially savvy or (excuse the word) lazy about finances?


If he doesn't feel comfortable or maybe truly doesn't know how to balance the checkbook, maybe a night of checkbook balancing would help him.


If he's (excuse again please) lazy, maybe routine will form a habit.?

I'm assuming here he sees that he's not good/responsible/whatever with his checkbook?

I do know how to balance a checkbook, but I'll admit I'm not as careful to balance to the penny as my wife is. If I'm within a dollar (or so), I'm feeling pretty good. I use whichever balance is lower (bank's or mine) and move forward.