Renamed this thread as I'm re-defining my strategy and outlook... I am now taking charge of MY life, MY responsibilities and MY family... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

...that said, here’s my story. My WS’s EA began 2 years ago this week.

I’m a career military man w/ over 20 years serving my country. As such, I’ve been deployed many times to many places. Met my amazing WS when a young officer and got married after 3 months of “dating” before I shipped off to Desert Storm. She has been the consummate military wife – supportive, strong, and independent. I am also somewhat “opinionated”…comes w/ the job. Our two incredible children came at years 3 and 4.

We’ve always been a good “team”. She’s a fantastic mom, having pretty much raised her 2 younger brothers without a father and an alcoholic mother.

At about year 5, as WS showed less and less interest in me due to kids, life, etc. Fast-forward a few years and sex was a rare occurence - not due to lack of interest, but due to fear of rejection (probably on both sides...) 5 years ago, she started saying things like “be nice to me”, and “one of these days someone is going to be nice to me and I don’t know what I’ll do.” What did I do? I froze like a deer in the headlights…froze like in a minefield, not wanting to take a step. OK, wrong thing to do.

Someone who was “nicer” came along while I was deployed and she started her EA. This guy is everything I’m not…unambitious, uneducated, a musician. (He briefly gave my teenage son drum lessons before EA started in earnest. My son volunteered that he was a “loser”.)

So, the EA becomes a PA and goes on a year before I find the pictures…bottom dropped out, world stopped spinning, life ended…you know the drill. WS denies anything happening, then says he’s a friend, etc. I go through all the usual stuff…grief, anger, depression, anger, begging, etc., etc. This all happens before I educate myself on the whole A deal. I talk her into going to MC. Her going in position is that she doesn’t want to be married anymore and she wants me to “let her go”. She is not “in love” w/ me anymore…

I find this guy’s email and tell him I know about the A, that his actions are inappropriate and that he should cease and desist. To his credit, he writes back and basically says he’ll respect our marriage.

About a dozen joint and single counseling sessions later, the MC basically tells me to move on. Nope, not gonna throw in the towel. No MB weekends available during my off time. I hear about the Marriage Bootcamp and talk WS into going. My hope is that perhaps she'll open up to the possiblity of reconcillation, and she hopes I'll "let her go". It was an absolutely amazing experience! WS still unmoved, although she basically tells everyone I’m this great husband, a good man, and she wants me to find someone else, someone who “can’t wait for me to come home at the end of each day.” Who can argue w/ that?? I just want that person to be her!

Oh yeah, all the while, she’s calling this guy about a dozen times a day.

My take on her is that she’s in the normal progression of WS behavior. She appears to be moving towards NC but who knows…I’m so tired of spying – it’s too draining, makes me feel dirty, and it can become as much of an addiction as the A itself.

She keeps using the D word, yet neither of us have filed. Haven’t told kids but they’re not stupid. Funny thing is, there’s never been less fighting in the house than in the last year. I’ve been doing the plan A drill…mostly. Man it’s hard, I’m a results-oriented kinda guy. Anyway, here we are, 2 years in and I’ll probably only be home 6 months out of the next 2 years at home due to my next assignment.

What now???

Wait? Tell the kids? Blow the whistle on the affair to his parents, our friends, our kids??? File? I feel like my entire life is on hold and I wake up every morning wondering what’s going to happen. Lack of control over my own life…

Ideas please!!

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Reposted here at Chrisner's suggestion.

Also, OM is not married, is 7 years WS's junior, has a 15 yr old illegitimate son...this guy's a prize... His father left his mother for another woman (he's also a musician). His mother is the nicest person possible...and WS spends much time w/ her. I had long conversation w/ OMs mom about a year ago basically telling her that I exist, that we're still married, that I love her, am trying to work things out, etc., etc. Her response was that WS is ultimately responsible for her own actions. WS tells me that OM's mom has repeatedly asked her if WS is "sure" about divorce, and counsels her that it's devastating.

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Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley?

Does OM have a girlfriend? (GF) Often, these OMs do...long-time ones. Worth finding out on your own.

Please don't give OM any credit (referring to your "to his credit") because he isn't respecting your marriage...he gave you lip service.

He lied. That's what waywards do.

Definitely expose...and let the outcome go. Do you have emails for proof of the EA? The pictures you found...did you retain them (lock them away) and can you state what they were...for instance, "My wife has been engaged in an affair with so-and-so. They have exchanged naked pictures, and talked last month over 2000 minutes." Something close to that?

Exposure is to share reality and ask for support as you commit to saving your marriage.

I'm stunned with the six months at home over the next two years, though...I can't fathom a marriage like that. Just not in my range of experience or understanding. Not a judgment.

I'll do a call out to Mortarman and Longhorn...there are many other military BH's here. As well as military wives.

My oldest son married two years into his enlistment and I saw first hand what a struggle it was for him and his wife. I'm blessed because he's now out and I have my first grandbaby...only there are lasting consequences to their choices...related to being married and living continents apart for two years, and now hitting that year and a half mark, living together.

Have you asked for a NC letter which she writes and you both send together (snail mail)?

What did you learn in the Marriage Bootcamp?

For your Plan A, have you identified to the best of your ability what her top ENs are? Your LBs? Does the results-oriented person you are (which I took to indicate a deep desire for instant results) see your own changes as results? Are you rather thrilled with who you are now, what you're doing for your half of the marriage?

Also, when you searched for a great marriage counselor, did you interview them to see if they were pro-marriage? Maybe you can find one who is familiar with Dr. Harley's approach, and specialize in affair recovery. Doesn't sound like the counselor you mentioned was committed to the long haul...more like the quick answer. You both have a lot of years together...that's a lot of incidents, moments and events...time for stacked resentment (I got from her threat to find someone who would be nice to her), hardened into entitlement and lack of respect.

You realize you froze...from fear. Can you list all that you now see you were doing (and not doing), own them, apologize and develop new habits where acting from your love is your calling...and not LBing is in your code? The BS can dazzle the WS...I think it's what really cuts through the fog. Takes ownership, not blame.

Welcome to MB, Capitan. Thank you for being here.

LA

Cap,

I am so sorry to hear of your plight, but glad you came here for help!

Some questions for you - you say you talked to OM's mom, what about anyome else? Friends, co-workers, your family?

You say you have been 'doing the PlanA drill, mostly'. Give us some detail on what that means exactly.

I see great hope here as she has not done anything to move towards the D. Remember, words are words. Actions mean much more.

Have you read Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs?

Do you know what her top needs are? What have you been doing to meet those needs?

You say it is an EA, but you mention pics. Not to get graphic, but what does that mean?

I understand being 'results' oriented, I am in sales. But, as you probably know this process does not work that way.

Read, study, learn, post, and be patient. You sound like a determined man. Keep the faith!

Welcome to GQII Capitan. There is a lot more activity here and some great “old-timers” passing through daily.

Have you done any reading on Plan A and “Emotional Needs”? You need to find what your WW top emotional needs are and what she is missing from you. Learn about "Lovebusters" and how to avoid them.

Again find and read Harley’s “Surviving an Affair” as soon as possible.

Hopefully Motarman and others will pick up on this thread over the next day.

You should talk to OM’s Dad as soon as possible.


And yet they talk a dozen times a day.


Not even close if they are talking that much or in truth talking at all. She is in an active affair and will remain in one as long as they have any contact.

Here is what must happen:

1) The affair must be exposed to everyone who can help. The affair must be killed.
2) Your WW must achieve No Contact (NC) for life with the OM. They can not see each other or talk again.
3) If this occurs and she stays she will go through a true period of withdrawal from her affair that could last several weeks to several months.
4) Only after her withdrawal can the recovery of your marriage begin.

If the affair does not end you need to look at the application of Plan B.

But First: Plan A. Read, read, read. Get a plan going.

I am sure others will be jumping in soon.

By the way, thank you very much for your service and sacrifice for our country.

Capt'n - I suggest you change the name of your thread to indicate you are military - LA posted a call-out for some of the military men here but I also suggest you re-name your thread so you get the right attention.

hm,mmmmm... you are starting out well. Read the SAA and HNHN.

OM won't back off. I told OW to back off or I'd take her down. She didn't although she said "I'm going back to my husband". So, I did. I exposed to EVERYONE. Including my FWH's commander, HER H (she was in the military), and everyone I could think of. I was not going to let my marriage go without a fight.

In the end, SHE lost a promotion, forced out of the military. She's now out of state and my husband hasn't had ANY contact since August of last year.

There IS hope. Spying is a necessary evil. Eventually, it will become less important, once trust begins to be rebuilt. MC will NOT be effective until the A has ended, or at least NC has begun. Speaking from experience. And for me, the only way I was able to accomplish NC was getting H's commander involved and spying. You can click on my story for the recovery and on my profile for a link to the original "just found out" thread.

The best thing I did was expose. Even to my oldest son (the others two are too young to know). Hardest thing you'll ever do, but the best.

My advice is to involve OM's mother, since she's against this and under the impression that the M is over. She would be very interested to know that her son is actively involved in destroying a M. Have HER also expose, if possible.

Once the A comes into FULL LIGHT... the A will die. Pop their little fantasy bubble. Once it becomes harsh reality, they won't like it much.

Best of luck.

Thanks for the quick response, all...I will try to tackle the questions above to flesh out the story.

I read SAA about a year ago when I first found out. As for Plan A, I've been trying to focus on changing ME first. Yes, I'm thrilled w/ who I now am...as a matter of fact, I'd been changing drastically over the last 3-4 years as I became increasingly aware of WW's "unhappiness". I couldn't help but wonder how I was contributing. My primay LB was being critical. Not to get into it, but I clearly didn't mean it in a negative way, just offering "advice"...how stupid was that. Anyway, I clearly own my contributions and WW has mentioned that I am a completely different person - in a good way - but that it's "too late", she's already not "in love" with me. I've offered my take on love and that it's cyclical, a decision, based on so much more than the addictive high of infatuation, etc.

My plan A has also had ups and downs, mostly due to my occasional "pushing", and anger when new information and lies hit me in the face. She claims we "should have been divorced a year ago" as flimsy excuse to continue A.

Yes A was also sexual, but not based on such, as far as I can tell. Long and frequent phone calls suggest more of an EA w/ sexual "benefits".

As for pics, the one of them kissing (that was the one that confirmed A) I destroyed. I still have 2 pics of them together smiling for the camera...she looks positively happy...it makes me so sad. I also have a letter from her to him in which she expresses her deep disappointment at his reaction to her announcement of her pregnancy (she wasn't, she was just "having a moment", in her words when I confronted her w/ letter.

No OMGF as far as I can tell.

Spying...not good for my soul, but it's almost as though I need some independent source to verify what I think I know. She is too good at denying, lying, deceipt and counterattack...I begin to doubt what is true.

I've also talked to a few close friends from previous tours - none of them in our current location. Afraid of what exposure close to home will do. Don't know how or what to tell kids and don't want them to find out from anyone but us.

Living situation. WW has been sleeping on couch ever since my return from my last deployment this spring. I'm back out at sea for a month.

Her EN, ironically, center around quality time - something very hard to give in this job. I never knew it because she's always appeared to be so strong and independant. One of her strengths is that she's so very selfless and supportive of all those around her - to the detriment of paying attention to herself. Her upbringing required that.

At bootcamp I learned of her ENs, as well as my own. I learned that I truly am a great person in my own right and was able to forgive myself for not having been the person I wanted to be all my life, and for the hurt I've caused others. I am a new man and really like that person. That makes this situation that much harder...there's no "down side" in saving this marriage. I'm not abusive, WW says I'm a "catch", I'm supportive, loving, good in the sack (or so she says)...etc., etc., she's just "NOT IN LOVE W/ ME"...how do you fight that?

Anyway, I try not to do "frontal assault", and just continue to demonstrate how great a husband I am.

Get this - after returning from bootcamp, something was not quite right in the house - things slightly askew, if you know what I mean. Turns out OM came to our house the day night we returned (I spent the night w/ Sister upon return). When confronted she'd said she'd called him on the way home (between planes, no less) to tell him to come so that she could talk to him. she claimed she needed to see him to tell him she would not be seeing him "for awhile". Perhaps the bootcamp gave her at least that much clarity. She said it was her fault, she blew it, it wasn't a good idea, she was so very sorry, etc. I absolutely hit the ceiling! I finally told WW all the things I've been holding inside so as not to LB. I said that this was the ultimate disrespect, that this was my house too and I felt violated, unsafe, as though his slime is now in every nook and cranny of my life.

I phoned him in front of her and told him in no uncertain terms that he was not to come anywhere near my home again, ever.

I then notice some unusual browsing history...turns out he'd been in the house off and on the entire time we were away!!! - She'd said he could use computer to help w/ some business stuff he was doing in town. (he lives about 3 hours away but has family nearby).

I emailed him a truly nasty email basically telling him he is the scum of the earth for not respecting our marriage - our home. His response was that she'd offered and that it was her house too. My response was that some offers shouldn't be taken up on. If my wife had offered to allow him to take naked pics of our daughter, shouldn't he KNOW it would be wrong??!! Anger...RAGE.

Calming down...

Was she truly beginning NC? Was she just away w/ OM's mom? How appropriate is that relationship? (she's essentially become the mother she wished she had - calm, down to earth, easy - although clearly a doormat)

So this all happened just 10 short days before leaving for another month...and here I am away again.

My current job will locate me about 3 hours away from home and will be spending most weeknights close to job and weekends at "home"...

Not clear who else to expose this to. My mom and sisters know, along w/ one of her closest friends in another state (who she won't phone back, btw.) We have some good friends in town and our children are all friends. She must have had our S stay at one of their houses while she skipped town this last weekend. Do I tell them?

Clarity needs to return...help!

Capitan,
I am a military contractor and my WW started her affair right before I came over to the Middle East about 14 months ago. I found out about it 2 months after I got here. I have been here a couple of days over a year and go home in 13 days for good. I am so sorry you are going through this. I know how you feel. My wife said pretty much the same crap to me, including bringing OM around our kids so much that they were calling me by his name. He was a loser too. He was an alcoholic, ex-convict (her first love, how sweet LOL). Anyway, my WW and I are going to start recovery when I get home. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, but God got me through it. Again, I am so sorry you are here. Listen to the pro's on here because they know what they are talking about. They gave me GREAT advice for my situation. I posted this on the wrong thread. Sorry

Hi Capitan - First of all, thank you for serving your country and welcome to MB!

One of the hardest things for me to deal with besides the 'normal' pain of Mrs. RIF's A's, was the "shame" of realizing that I couldn't 'control' my own wife. For us military guys, it's all about 'control'... control of our careers, control of our unit, control of our family... and so on. As officer's we're held to a higher standard and we're expected to have all the answers and set the example...

When Mrs. RIF had her "1st A", I was a brand new 2LT in a foreign country and she was an 18 year old mom. I was beginning my career and thought I had the world by the tail... only to find out that I wasn't meeting Mrs. RIF's needs. There was much more to it that caused Mrs. RIF to stray, but looking back on that period of our lives, I wasn't there for her emotionally and I had the typical "suck it up and drive on" attitude of a good junior officer when she would try to reach out and connect with me.

After reading your post it appears that you're treating this as a military exercise. You've identified the problem (WS's EA with OM) and you've evaluated your COAs (MC, IC, M Bootcamp, etc.) and now you're working your plan... except things aren't going like you think they should (ie- your W still hasn't committed to rebuilding the M) Is this a good summary so far? There's nothing wrong with using your military training, but there's one important step that they don't teach you at CGSC or the War College... more on that in a bit...

I found out about one of Mrs. RIF's A's, I suspected another one while we were still overseas, but I didn't learn of the seven other A's that she had during our first three years of M until 10 years later.

We never worked through the issues of her "1st A", and we both just acted like it "never happened". After learning of the other A's, I was determined to work through this and rebuild our M. I evaluated where we were, came up with a plan, and went at it full speed...

As I said earlier, there was one thing that isn't taught in the military... and that is how to deal with PRIDE. My own pride held me back when we first started out to rebuild our M... I was proud of my abilities as a military officer, as a husband, as a father... and I couldn't see past my own pride and realize that I had some areas that I really needed to work on. I tried to force Mrs. RIF into solving this problem with me, when I was the one that was holding us back. She was the one that strayed from our M, so why in the world should I even have to do anything! She should be the one begging me for forgiveness and she should be the one willing to do anything to "make it up" to me... after all I was a successful military officer and she was the one that had 'ruined' our M...etc, etc, etc....

Mrs. RIF told me later on after we were well into rebuilding our M, that she was so happy that I stopped treating her like "one of my soldiers"... her comment really hit home with me and I realized that it didn't matter what my "intentions" were, what really mattered was how Mrs. RIF perceived my intentions.

Through MC, I learned how to work together with Mrs. RIF and how I needed to provide a safe place for her. I learned that I needed to do the right thing because it was the right thing to do, and not because I wanted to see a specific action or reaction in Mrs. RIF. I learned that I had to love Mrs. RIF just as Christ loves His church and that involved putting her needs and her feelings above my own.

For me, it was very hard to step out of my "military mode" and really take a good, hard look at my own actions. 20+ years of training and conditioning are a hard thing to change...

Once I realized that I could only change myself, I started working on me... as I made changes that I needed to make, Mrs. RIF started coming around... and she started doing the things that I wanted her to do all along.

Rebuilding is hard work, but it is possible to rebuild your M after an A (or in our case, multiple A's)... Think about what I've shared and if you have any specific questions, I'll be glad to try and answer them for you. I'm 8.5 hours ahead of you guys in the states so give me some time to reply...

I wish you and your W the best as you start to rebuild your M!

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hey Capitan - I posted before I read your second post... and I didn't realize that your W is still in contact.

I agree with the others, Expose! Expose! Expose! ...to the OM's mother, your W's close friends, anyone that has a positive influence on your W. Your first task is to stop the A... In this case you SHOULD use your military training and take an all out frontal assault on this guy and anyone else that's helping fuel the A...

MC won't do you a bit of good if she's still seeing the OM...

Thankfully, Mrs. RIF and I worked through all of our past issues and I don't have to worry about her straying while I'm deployed... It really sucks to be away and not know what's going on back home...

Semper Fi,

RIF

Hey Capitan - You said that you have 20+ years in... have you considered putting in your retirement papers? It's a drastic step, but if one of your W's most important EN's is Quality Time, then its going to be VERY hard to meet this need while you're at sea or deployed...

Just a thought...

Semper Fi,

RIF

RIF, thanks so much for your honest and forthright input. Your first post was an absolutely a dead-on evaluation of our marriage of about 5 years ago... Pride, ego - not at all healthy for a good marriage. I always had a feeling she was unhappy but chalked it up to "her" problems. Sure she has many, and the primary one is, i'm now finding, lack of self esteem - a normal result of being an adult child of an alcoholic.

What I missed, however, was my own faults, and as I said in my previous post, I've done a complete 180...almost like having a complete change of body chemistry. I don't think I really liked myself before but am very happy now. Biggest indicator of my change is that my relationship w/ my 13/14 yr old children is 1,000% better than ever before. I realized that I wasn't happy w/ how things were going w/ them and simply turned it around. It is those relationships and my having found myself that keeps me going.

I'm using the same techniques w/ WW, but as you say, she must cease contact.

OK, for those of you who've read my previous posts...pls tell me, unequivocally, that she's still in contact so I can get on with this thing!

As for retirement papers, I put that on the table as this thing first bubbled up. I told her I'd retire tomorrow, but she said no, that would be stupid, as there's a significant change in retirement pay btwn now and in a few years. It's only money, however, and I still would retire tomorrow if I thought that would make a difference (just executed PCS orders so stuck here for 2 yrs). However, quality time is just what she said she needed, and if that's the case, she's not getting it from the OM either. bottom line, she's in such a fog I don't think she really has any idea WHAT she needs, because I'm prepared to give anything.

As mentioned before, she has no one she looks up to, no mentor, no close friends...it makes me really sad for her - her whole life now revolves around the OM and his mom.

RIF, stay safe in Afghan. I just returned from western Iraq myself...what a mess.

Post deleted by Capitan

Hey Capitan - Based on what you've shared with us, and your last post where you said: I think that she's still in contact, if not with this one OM, then possibly another.

I could be wrong, but if you've done the 180 and she's still not responding to you, I suspect that it's because you're just not physically there for her and the OM and his mom are. As long as you are at sea or deployed, she's going to find a way to meet her need for quality time... and from what you're telling us, I strongly believe that it's the OM and his mother that are meeting that need.

I understand about the additional years for your retirement, but hey, what's that retirement going to be worth if you lose your wife? She will get at least 1/2 of it and your family will be torn apart. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I got off active duty about 10 years ago because of the stress on the family, but stayed in the Army reserves... I'm on my third deployment since 2001. I finally got my 20 year letter this past June and I'm hanging it up after this. I'm thankful that Mrs. RIF and my three girls are allowing me to do this, but I can assure you that if Mrs. RIF was where your wife is right now, I'd be on the first plan home and my retirement papers would be in.

You mentioned that quality time might not be her most important EN... again, you are going to have a very hard time trying to find out what her most important EN is while you are separated...

I suspect that your wife has a ton of resentment towards you for your successful miltary career (Our wives sacrifice a TON of things for our careers and it's easy for resentment to build)... Mrs. RIF said that she always resented me because "all I ever cared about was the Army"... and that I treated her like one of my soldiers. Ouch! that hurt, and at first I was very defensive. We were both conflict avoiders so we never really talked about stuff like this until we finally started MC in Jan 2001.

Think about the resentment issues and see if that might be what your W is dealing with. It could be that your offer to retire was exactly what she was looking for... but she just told you that retireing would be silly, just to see if you were really willing to "put her first" over your career. In your mind, you thought that she really wanted you to continue your service, but in her mind, it was probably a test... Who will Capitan put first - his career, or Mrs. Capitan???

I'm not saying that you're a "bad person" for continuing your service, I'm just thinking about some of the thought processes that Mrs. RIF had when we first started rebuilding...

Anyway, let me know if there are any specific questions you might have... if you want to e-mail me, my e-mail is rif902000@yahoo.com

Semper Fi,

RIF

Cap,

My H and I are retired military. He had EA/PA for a little over a year. He was a contractor and worked with OW. When he came and confessed to me, he went a step further and quit his job to get away from OW. His contracting job kept him away about 4-6 months a year. This separation is not conducive to a healthy marriage; please consider just putting in your retirement papers and working on your marriage. I can almost guarantee that your planned deployments are going to finish off your marriage.

Your WW is still in the fog and wants you stay in the military so she can continue her abhorant behavior unchecked.

I wish you luck and hope that you can pull through this.

Hi Cap.,

I am a military BW and am in year 3 of a 4-year recall from retirement. By the time they turn me loose, I'll have over 32 years in uniform.

First let me tell you, you don't need pictures or someone else to confirm that your wife is having both a EA and PA with this bum. SHe is not currently even considering NC or working on your marriage.

I agree with the others here that you should retire. Believe me, there are hundreds of great jobs waiting for you that will not require you to go anywhere if you don't want to.

You have been living in H3ll for 2 years now while she has both the benefit of the financial security that you provide AND the OM, who is really just for fun.

If you really feel that you have given your Plan A enough time, and IMHO you have, then it is probably time to strongly consider Plan B. And that plan B should include HER moving out, not you, and your kids should remain with you. I understand that you will by regulation have to give her your BAH, and that is unfortunate, but perhaps she needs a chance to see what a future with OM might look like if it doesn't include the perks that you now provide.

Just a thought.

Good luck,

Who

Capitan,

RIF (my old friend) is exactly right!

First off, a little background. I am a retired Army Infantry first sergeant and former Inspector General. With that being said, in September 2001, when I was deployed to Bosnia to round up scumbags and send them to Gitmo, my wife decided our marriage was over. When I came back 7 months later, things were a mess.

I continued in the Army for another year, as I tried to work things out. But, my wife was in the entitlement phase of the WS Handbook, and I had three kids. So, I went to talk to my sergeant major, right as we were gearing up for a year long deployment to Afghanistan. And the CSM told me staright out "Mortarman, blood comes first. I cant have you over there running a 126 man company with this going on back here. It does me no good...and you no good...to do this mission, and your family is destroyed."

I turned in my retirement paperwork the next week. Now, even though I had 21 years of service and could retire, I only had 17 years of active duty. Four years of my service was in the National Guard. So, you know what that means! I retired, with now only able to get retirement pay once I turn 55. Added to that, the amount of pay will be much less than if I had 20 active years. If I could have stayed 3 more years on active, I would have been drawing a hefty check right now for the rest of my life. I figured out the amount of money I lost and will lose in this deal...and you dont want to know!!

But, if I had done those last three years, which would have meant going on that deployment to Afghanistan and one more deployment to Iraq, I would be divorced right now. My wife would be married to some loser. My kids would be living with my wife and loser. Knowing that, I dont miss the money!!!

What does that mean for you? Well, I am going to tell you the same thing that CSM told me. And basically ask you...what are yoru priorities? What comes first? In my case, God comes first. Then my wife. Then my kids. Then my family (extended). Then my state (Virginia)...and then my country. In that order! Now, if a lower priority comes in conflict with a higher priority, then the lower priority loses. If my wife wants me to do something that is against God's will, then I dont do it. If my kids want something, but it is a detriment to my wife, my kids lose. If my state seceded from the Union (it has done it once before), then my country loses. Do you see what I am saying?

Besides God, your most important priority on this planet is not your kids, not the Navy (I am assuming you are Navy), and not a paycheck. The most important thing on this planet after God, is your wife. Period.

You put retirement on the table, as you said. And your wife said no. Guess what? You are the leader of your family, not your wife. And under normal circumstances, the two of you would POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement...read up on this on this site) when to retire. But right now, she is a foggy WW. So, her opinion really doesnt matter here. If she were drunk, would you hold weight to her opinions while she was drunk? Of course not. Well, she is "drunk" on the Om right now...and making very bad decisions all the way around.

Yo uare the leader. You are the only "sane" person in your family right now, at least when it comes to adults. The issue of retirement is YOUR decision to make right now, as your wife is incapable of making any rational decisions. Actually, in her foggy mind, all she sees is that if you stay deployed, she can continue to see OM as much as she wants (and he can hang out everyday in the house you are paying for) AND you can finish and get her a nice portion of your retirement. So, in her foggy mind, it is better for you to get on that boat.

But it is not better for her. It is not better for you. It is not better for your kids. You get on that boat, and you WILL be divorced. Of this I have no doubt!

Also, you say you have been Plan Aing for a year. That is too long! What did your Plan A consist of? Did it include exposue to EVERYONE? Did you figure out her top ENs as spelled out by Dr. Harley, and work on meeting them as she needs them met. Have you made sure that her immoral activities dont go onnoticed or unchallenged? What has been your plan? What is your plan now? If you dont have one, then it is time we all sit down with you and get the battle plan together. Because what I have read here is that you have been sort of wandering, hoping things get better.

So, first off, you need to consider retiring now. Second, you need to get in your house and make sure you are taking care of those kids (what are their ages/gender?). What state do you live in (I ask this so we can help you set up legally for a custody battle if it comes to that)? I came back, and got custody of my kids! And as Steve Harley told me, it is those kids that were the biggest asset to my marriage being able to recover.

So, I will await your response. This had gone on for awhile, so it will be harder work. But either way you go (reconciliation or divorce), the path is the same for you. You are going to have to get home and stay home. Yo uare going to have to protect your kids from a wayward and immoral mother. And you are going to have to work on moving you, your family...and possibly your wife...towards a better future.

Make no mistake...NO ONE can do it but you. Not a marriage counselor. Not a pastor. Not your wife, even. You are the ONLY one that is capable of changing this. You are the only one in command. And as you know from being in the military this long, it is lonely in command. It is hard.

Standing by...

Hey Mortarman! How's it going? Good to see you again...

RIF,

Good! How are things there? Dont want to threadjack here! Baby is due in a couple of weeks. marriage is better than ever!

Who would have "thunk" it??

RIF, Mortarman, WHO,

First off, thank God for all of you. Words cannot express how much it means to me to know there are people out there with success stories. Your experience and advice are precious.

No, even though she's mentioned breaking it off w/ OM for "a while", I'm guessing she's just keeping him in the wings until she gets the guts to proceed w/ divorce.

Am trying to contact her "closest" friend in another city. I'd mentioned to WS before that she should seek this friends advice but she'd mentioned that due to the friends strong Christian beliefs she wouldn't approve...well duh! WS blew up when I contacted OM's mom last year and threatened all kinds of things. I now understand the need to send out a 911 call to all those who care about her, me and us.

Plan A is hard when you're not home. In reality, the extent of my "functional" plan A has been limited to the 5 months over the last year I was home (2 months before last deployment and the 3 since returning. Even though the year + has been h3ll, effectively speaking, I'm not sure it's been enough time.

Here's the double-edge sword on the retirement thing... If in fact she decides to progress full-on w/ D (fog or not), I'd be putting myself in a difficult long-range position...divorced and out of a job...tough choice.

Mortarman, my priorities are clear, and the same as yours, but I'm also not forgetting that "I" fit into the priorities somewhere as well.

Thank you for the "drunk" analogy - it is apt, as her mother is an alcoholic, as she probably is as well.

Complicating matters is that I am committed for 2 yrs due to current PCS, after which I'll be on shore duty until retirement. This next tour is the make or break for our marriage. There is merit to the "I stay in the house" COA, but in reality, logistics make that difficult. Do I just make it home whatever nights I can and assume I'm sleeping in my own bed? Until she agrees to NC, I'm just guessing she'll skedaddle for the weekends when I'm home.

Thank you all for pointing out that, yes, I AM in charge. WW has always given the appearance of the strong, independent Navy wife and I (mistakenly) assumed she knew what she was doing...things are not always what they seem. I've just recently achieved that epiphany and am learning how to make decisions at home.

Any thoughts about telling kids? Mortarman, your kids were probably a little younger than mine are right now...thoughts?

OBTW, I'm in Washington state - community property and no-fault.