It's been 4 years since I discovered the EA my W was having with her old high school flame. (I don't have positive proof it was physical back then.)

Anyways, I'm afraid contact with OM may have begun again because of what has happened in the last few days...

My kids & I went out of town on vacation last week leaving my W at home due to a lack of vacation leave on her part.

I checked in with my W on Friday about our plans on when we would be returning. The W kept encouraging us to stay gone another day. But we ran out of money and needed to come home on Friday.

So yesterday while riding home from church in our car, my W gets a call from her best female friend who is single. My W repeated a comment from her girlfriend "How did it go"? To which my W replied: "OK I guess". Then immediately my W said "I'll talk to you later about it".

When I asked about the call, my W said "Robin wanted to know how her mother's trip went". I thought it very odd that "Robin" would ask my W how HER mother's trip went. Why not ask the source direct? It made no sense to me....

About an hour later, the W's friend called our house asking for my W to come over to her house. (The friend lives about 3 doors down from us).

I'm afraid something is going on AGAIN, but I don't have the proof needed to expose.

Obviously, this was a conversation my W and her "friend" didn't want me to hear...Am I being too paranoid?

personally i say follow your gut instinct. i DO NOT think you are being paranoid.

i hate secrecy and sneakiness, it has no place in a relationship or marriage.

mlhb

No, any chance you can look at her phone records?

MP:

Phone records?

Try to scoll thru her history on the phone. Calls made, calls recieved, texts, messages, etc.

Do it in plain sight.

If she freaks, she is up to something.

My BS could never get close to mine....

She can have it anytime now...

LG

MP, does your wife talk to her friend on your land line?

Phone records are how I caught her the first time. If she is talking to OM by phone, she is being careful to erase the call logs.

I would have to catch her away from her phone and go online to get her account password sent to her phone. Also, I'm not sure if any e-mails are sent noting the password request.

Why oh why are there secrets in your M? You should already have online access to her phone records and her email password. I sure smell something going on.

All the time....

Put a recorder on your landline. Somewhere she can't find it.

MP, go to Radio Shack and get a recorder. You can hook it up and hide it on a bedroom extension. She might tell her friend what she is doing.

Mark,

Please take the advice for verifying from these posters.

You've been posting on MB since 2005...you come with one issue at a time, it seems, and then go away. I respect that's your prerogative. What concerns me is the whole MB approach to your marriage, because you have had some great advice and I'm wondering what you're actually using.

In regard to old posts...did your wife send a NC letter? Did you research and inform OM's wife or GF? Parents? Did you expose her EA in the last four years?

Did you get into MC and or IC?

Did you do the EN questionnaires as suggested? The LB ones? Did you get HNHN and Love Busters and read them?

Did you commit yourself to the PORH and tell your wife about "Mary"? Are you O&H with your wife, own your triggers and state them when they occur?

Do you choose to believe this OM is your wife's "love of her life and that she settled when she married" you? That you are in competition with a man or with a fantasy? Do you know you're her real love?

Did you make 15 hours of UA a part of your weekly routine?

And for your decision to take a family vacation without your wife...I experienced this in my marriage, early on. I wasn't able to get vacation time and my DH took the kids on Christmas vacation...and at the time, I thought it was a sacrifice I had to make...when I had the choice to take time off without pay and go with them...and instead, letting my Giver take over created resentment in me. And I nourished and maintained it throughout my marriage, too.

I ask all this as a friend of your marriage. There are two halves...and both of you change your behaviors a lot to have a new, thriving, recovered marriage. Takes a lot of commitment and steps...and acts of love from your choice to love. In another post you said you were in a loveless marriage. Does that mean you're here on this thread to ensure the wife you no longer choose to love stop her EA (or a new one)?

What have you learned about boundaries which you were given advice on so you could inject respect into your marriage, work on your own esteem issues and change the dance in your marriage?

I ask because you may have done a lot of these changes...I don't know from your posts. As you can see from the many responses to your threads...people here have been in your shoes, they do understand the way, and if you'll share with us, like practice, you'll share with your wife and change your life and your marriage.

That's what worked for me.

Last question...on another thread you said you'd been away from home on business and came home to an unenthusiastic response (really, a non-response)...which you resented. During those days away, did you email, call, send a gift to your wife...do your half of meeting her ENs?

Because you're the one who is here, you are the one to do the work...to really see a new way to partner your wife. Not because she's wrong or right, or you...because you matter most. You're here.

Along with the gadgets to find out the truth...get the books, read, learn and study, so with or without your wife, you can be a great partner...and oddly enough, it IS the way you will build your self-esteem, self-respect and have respectful relationships.

LA

Thanks all,

I've made some mistakes after discovering the W's EA with the OM 4 years ago.

Main mistake was not exposing my W's EA to my family, W's family, OM's wife, etc. My fear at the time was if
I exposed the EA & contact to OM's wife, OM's W would leave him and they would get together.

LA,

I appreciate your suggestions. "Mary" (W's former friend) is no longer a factor. And yes, W knows about what Mary told me. Another complicating factor is some self-esteem issues on my part. I'm 5'7' and approx. 150lbs. W is about an inch taller than me.

OM is approx. 6'1" and 210~220lbs. So beating the OM's butt isn't a realistic option...LOL. Anyways, I feel a little intimidated by this.

I do work out and am trying to stay in shape But, if physical stature is an EN for my W, then it's a need I can't fulfill.


I'm working on my self-esteem and will look into ways to prove my suspicions before I expose.

Hire a woman to give him a nasty STD.

Brains win every time.

Mark,

Haven't you been married quite awhile? Why on earth would you choose to think your wife could possibly have an EN for a scummy married man betraying his wife and family who is taller?

What kind of value system do you have to choose such an outrageous, hurtful idea?

Think about it...she has loved you by choice...nothing you can do can make someone love you...and you have loved her by choice...he's been the clean-slate fantasy, the unreality where life is perfect...because he's not real as her long-standing husband, father of her children, partner through thick and thin, seeing all sides and changes in her, knowing all she's said and done and not said or done...

You are.

You're real.

You won't feel like you're real unless you choose to belief you are. And you are. Reasonable, marvelous choice. You're the real one.

There's no height requirement for bravery. Acts of courage are part of acting from love. It's a choice, not a condition.

I didn't see you answer all those questions I asked...and I wonder if you side-stepped the Mary one...yes, you told your wife that Mary was giving you information for months...did you tell her about the come-on, your boundary enforcement...the "near kiss"? Radical honesty...and you may well have. I'm asking because I don't know.

How long did you wait to tell her?

The most important question I asked was if you had decided to choose not to love your wife anymore...because that would determine whether or not you're here to save your marriage or feel consolation for your choice...get support for your choice. Gotta know which direction you're facing, IMO.

As for beating OM's butt...well, I don't advise it at all. Can't Plan A from a jail cell.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I look forward to more of your answers...and do appreciate you posting back...I hope you commit yourself to doing so often...no more fade outs after a couple of days and then roaring back. You're worth sharing with...and sharing who you are. You help others by being here...many who lurk and do not post. You won't know how great an affect you have...please choose to know you ripple, anyway.

LA