Hey Ron,
So you did the pre Plan B letter as advised by Jennifer.
I can relate to the disappoint about not getting any reaction, even though you are suppose to prepare yourself for that very thing.

Are you ready for the real deal...meaning the Plan B letter with your conditions outlined? Like Tarnsy said you can post it for people to critique if you'd like.

And you haven't talked to WW in 10 days, has anything changed with that?

How are you feeling? I know your pain in the earlier posts was pretty serious and I'm so sorry for that.

But then I read you were getting stronger and becomming somewhat indifferent. Like me. YAY! It certainly helps rather than being in a funk all the time. It's like a different level on the uphill climb to recovery - either with your WS or without.

I heard someone say once that nothing ever grows on the mountain top, but in the valley.

So remember when you are at a low point, that you are gaining strength, confidence and character. You will take away more benefits from this than you can ever imagine, and will become a stronger man for it.

How are you doing the exchange with your 5 yr old?

~Free

The thing about Plan B is that it gives you some modicom of control in your life. You're no longer sitting there wondering what she's doing (or at least, you're working on not doing that) because you have set your conditions for recovering the marriage. Unless and until you hear through your intermediary that she is willing to meet those conditions, you are able to go on with your life knowing that she isn't, and therefore knowing that there is no point in worrying about what she is doing, as you already know what she's NOT doing (meeting your Plan B conditions for reconciliation).

Hi everyone.....I've tried 4 times to reply to all of you, and my GD computer is acting up....I'll have to try this later....But thank you all for your replies.

I'm doing ok, better than ok, really..when I can get this stupid machine to co-operate, i'll go into more detail...

Thanks again, and be good!

Ron

So great to hear that, Ron! Let us know when you can!

A quick question....I've told my son (James 15) about my decision to go Plan B. He's disappointed, of course, but understands. I also told him that I am pretty sure the affair is still ongoing......he's disgusted. (you may remember he figured out on his own that it was going on).

He knows the kids of the OM, and wants to tell them what's going on. (This is his voice, not mine) He also wants to tell WS that he knows whats going on, and what he thinks of it. Remember, he's the one who she loves the most, his disapproval would weigh heavily on her....( I think)

What do you think of these two things???

As long as it's his idea, then great. It's his life, too.

Principled....you are so right...i've felt way too sad about this, now that I'm turning away, I feel the sadness and anger is turning into something more like apathy....it's a lot more comfortable to be there! The PBL is still a work in progress, and i'm working on finding an intermediary....not that it seems like I need one, given we haven't spoken for almost two weeks!

Tarnsy, thanks for dropping in! I'm glad you are feeling better!

Freeto....you are right, I'm a 'little' disappointed by the lack of reaction to the letter..but I wasn't expecting anything, so there's really no hurt. I'm starting to feel a bit better, todays a bit of an exception, but overall, I'm thinking more and more that this is her bloody problem, caused by her stubbornesss and stupidity. I've done all that I can, now it's up to her....

And Tyk, thanks for looking in....your posts have really kept me going....control over my life is the one thing that I have started to feel again. I'm not dancing at the end of a rope as much. It's kind of funny you mention that though,...i was talking to James about the situation, one of the first things out of his mouth was that I probably felt like I was going to get some control over things.....pretty smart kid I have!

More to come later...thanks again everyone....

Thanks sd...I have to make sure he tempers his comments....He's likely to say things in a way that both of us might regret, he has already said a few things that are very...very uncomplementary about her!

Today there was a message from WS on the answering machine. She was asking to speak to Stephanie or James, and of course, not me. Because we hadn't called back from Monday's message, she sounded like she thought I was deliberately not calling her back (not the truth, too busy, and Steph didn't want to).....Anyway, I dialed the phone, gave it to Steph....She eventually asked mama if she wanted to speak to me, no she didn't. She asked me if I wanted to speak to mama, I said, If mama doesn't need to speak to me, I don't need to speak to her.

I'm past the hurting stage of this, but man.....does it ever annoy me that she is so callous, hard-hearted..cold. One side of me knows what to expect, but the other just says....that ******...you're really making your point very clear.

I know....it's early... but.....I could never treat someone like that.

I keep going back to the thought that Plan B is just what she wants.........

think positive thoughts.......positive thoughts.....

Hello Ron,

That PBL and an intermediary is essential. You will find it almost impossible to achieve detachment from the drama of her life without them i.e. stay dark. I strongly recommend that you quit agonising over the value of either in your situation and get on with them. Remember that Plan B is for you and not her. Who gives a flying f*** what she is thinking? Her brain is as addled as any other wayward.

As SL said in her post to me yesterday, she thought that her situation and WS was unique but with the benefit of hindsight she now sees that her WS just followed the oft repeated script we find on MB. The general pattern was the same even though the minute detail was personal to them. She found success when she applied the principles properly. Why not learn from her and all the others?

I found it very hard to get my WW to go through an intermediary. It took me two months. True to form, the wayward wants to do the opposite of what the BS wants in an effort to deny the reality of their situation. Even now she refuses to confine the subject of her communication to arrangements to see the kids. She still tries to communicate with me through them too. I had another sleepless night last night due to frustration over it.

What more can I do to encourage you?

Best wishes,

P

H Ron,
Yes Plan B will help you get some semblance of control over your life. I agree with Principled that it is time.

No more msgs back and forth through your kids. All that mess about "do you want to talk, well if she doesn't want to talk to me, then I don't either, yada yada" it is DRAMA that you don't need and sounds a little trite. Don't fall into her trap of immaturity and the kids shouldn't be involved with it anyway.

Stand strong and write the REAL letter. Get an intermediary and a schedule for p/u times for her and the kids, so you don't have to see her.

I came realize that being around the wayward at this stage is like jabbing at a wound, then wondering why it doesn't heal.

Prepare your heart and mind to get into the idea and find some hobbies to take up the down time. Bowling, skiing, reading, house improvements, dance lessons, there is a ton of stuff.

My WH is having a fit in my Plan B stage. He can no longer control me and it is driving him mad.

I know you would never treat anyone like that, it shows what a stellar human being you are. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> WW is in a fog remember, and you need to stop putting yourself in the position to keep getting hurt over and over.

I undertand it is hard, b/c you miss her and you miss what you had together. You want the magic pill to bring her back. I have thought the exact same thing, but there is none.

Do what you CAN for YOU and your dear children. Draw close to God and he will draw close to you! It makes everything better when you involve His guidance.

~Free

Thanks Freeto, Principled....you are both of course, very correct. Thanks for your advice.

I'm wouldn't say that I'm agonizing over things...I don't feel pain any moore, as much as disappointment and apathy...Sometimes a bit of frustration and annoyance.

Gotta hang in there, Ron. Many WS's almost seem happy to get the Plan B letter. But she will start trying to contact you. You can count on that.

My ex pounded on the door for an hour wanting to talk to me when I gave him the Plan B letter. Then I heard nothing for about 3 months. He called me at work and told me he was moving back in.

Wow, believer......that's something! I've always known this was going to be a long haul.....I'm hangin.......

How's it goin, Ron? Just checking in on ya. I still think we're the closest in terms of our sitches. I completely understand how you feel about your WW not caring about plan B, but you have to try. I think a lot will happen when she realizes that she's losing you as an option. I'm no expert, but I know that much. People always want what they can't have. How's your PBL going? I don't think i'll be too far behind you, so i'm following right along your thread. I hope what believer said helped you because it sure helped me. Hang in there, Ron!

DM

Hi DM! Things aren't too bad really...Now that I'm not caring so much, the days are passing by a lot easier. It's now been 15 days since I spoke with WS!

I told the 3 boys about where I'm going, they were pretty understanding...confused as to why she's going this way. They are having a hard time getting their heads around all of this.

i told them the whole truth finally....they now know everything.....They handled that fairly well too..

They want to key his car, her car.....tell everyone...I pulled them back from that, told them that they need to think things through before doing anything, and that cold rage is better than hot fury......

That's about it so far.....thanks for reading DM....good to hear from you!!

Ron

My 16 yo dau went to the OW house one day and took a "welcome" sign from the door and smashed it to pieces.

As bad as that was I didn't discipline her for it at all.

It should have said "welcome, harlot at home ready to steal your husband" lol

Glad you are feeling better Ron!

Free

Wow!

That was a statement!! I have been feeling a bit down today....not for any reason in particular, just the crappiness of it all building up.

Had a phone call from daughter this evening, she's at WS's for this week, she I guess wanted to call me.. Said she missed me, said she wished mom would live in the same house as us. Needless to say, WS heard that! Anyway, I only spoke with daughter, WS didn't ask to speak with me, neither did I. It's now past 2 weeks that we haven't spoken, and that's without a PBL! I'm still waiting for the "reply" to the Pre PBL.

The boys are all surprised and disappointed about this lack of contact. They can't believe it....

So Free, what happened if anything after the welcome sign was smashed??

Ron

On 01/25/08, ron43 wrote: 'Thanks Freeto, Principled....you are both of course, very correct. Thanks for your advice.'

On 01/28/08, ron43 wrote: 'It's now past 2 weeks that we haven't spoken, and that's without a PBL!'.

No admonishment intended but what's holding you back Ron?

Before I send it off, I want to speak with Jennifer for some final advice and editing. That should happen this week.

I have to laugh (or scream with frustration)....WS hasn't spoken to me in 2 weeks as you know.....this morning, I get a call from her( which I didn't answer, as it was about 5 am. Our daughter is sick, and she wanted me to take the day off work to look after her! (I get paid sick days, she doesn't) What a load of crAP!

Calling me when she needs me, ignoring me when she doesn't....

Yes, I know....send the letter.......it's coming soon

Ron