Hi everyone, this is my first post here, so please be gentle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Long story kind of short is that my GF was divorced in December, I was divorced in February. Out of some miracle we found each other at the right time and love ensued. No matter how responsible we tried t obe about not being in a rebound relationship, we have gone farther and faster then we thought we would.

She comes from an abusive marriage. Her EH was physically abusive and abused alcahol. Now, after the divorce, he has made threats, she's filed a PFA, and he continues to stalk and terrorize her. The police can't help.

Secodn to this is that she still has terrible nightmares about him, and sometimes will wake up disorientd and wonder where he is, actually sometimes missing him or thinking it was all a dream or something of the sort.

My divorce continues to be messy now that my EW has tried t ogain sole custody of our child. Other than that, I seem to have come out fairly unscathed.

My problem is that now, after dating for 7 months, my GF is having a real hard time with her EH. She has talked about taking a break from our reltionship because it isn't fair to me or to her. THis is the last thing I want to do, becauser I am afraid to lose her. We have talked moving in together, marriage, children, all of it. We are on the same page most of the time, but then she starts thinking about her EH again and it all crumbles.

She thinks she has to get over him before we can move forward, but she also thinks she needs to do it alone.

I want to help her, and I think that we can do it together and be even stronger for it...I mean, I've already been helping her the past 9 months.

So how can I help her get over him? How can I help her resolve the issues she has with him? Am I wrong to think that we can do this together? or is it my own fear distorting my view that it is the best choice?

My problems come in that we have already made a lot of decisions, and committments to each other. I know the capacity is there from her heart, it's when her mind gets thinking she lets fear and doubt enter the equation.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks!
-Arashi

Arashi,

All I can advise you to do is encourage her to do what is right for her. Don't threaten her and say you may be available later but you may not (somebody did that to me so I know) The truth is, if she wants to deal with some things by herself, then she KNOWS you may not be able to wait for her.

If she does end it w/you, then remember that it is not your job to be her emotional crutch or her sounding board. I would give her a LOT of space for 6 months or so and then see how you feel.

It seems it would bother you to know your GF is so entrenched w/the ex's issues.

Good Luck.

Arashi, You aren't your girlfriend's therapist. She knows what she needs to do. If she wants to take some time to sort out her life, you need to let her do it on her own.

There is only so much time and energy in our lives. You need to be putting everything you have into fighting to keep joint custody with your ex so you can see your child as much as possible. A girlfriend is a distraction, and it can work against you with your ex. She might just up the ante against you if she thinks you have something great in a new woman.

Women come and go. The relationship with your child is what REALLY matters.

I don't threaten her with the possibility of me not being there when she heals. I know better then to do that. Her issues with her ex are something that I understand because we both went through similar things in our respective marriages, I just didn't have the physical abuse in mine.

We work together and were friends before the divorces, and whether we remain BF/GF or not, I will still be her friend, which does include being a sounding board and sometimes therapist...I mean as far as what friends do for each other goes.

She has helped me a lot in my fight for my son, and it is my priority. She knows that. However, part of doing right by my son is showing him that life moves forward and how we live our lives in the present is what is important.

At what point do you have that moment where it is all clear to start you life over again? To me, when I went through it, I greieved and mourned, but moved on fairly quickly. I was married 3 times longer then she was, but I think the abuse she suffered had more lasting affects.

I get all of that. It seems to me that at some point you have to stop letting the fear of hurt and pain prevent you from living your life and being happy. Getting over someone is hard and takes time, but that doesn't mean you have to hole yourself up for years waiting for it to get better, you have to make it better...having someone who will love you and support you through it makes it easier.

Am I wrong to think this?

but your time frame may be way different from her time frame and you can't force your time frame on her. get it? she may need a year or more to heal, especially since she has endured abuse. no matter what you do you are not going to get her to see your side because only SHE knows when she will be ready.

i know it is hard, but let her go and do what she needs to do. i just went through the same thing. bf and i had all the same talks you did, etc... future, etc.. but, bottom line is, he has decided for whatever reason he is just not ready yet. and no amount of my saying otherwise is going to change that. they are his feelings and he has the right to them and he should heed them and i need to respect them. i don't know when he will be ready. i'd like to think i would be there when he is ready, but who knows.

the same for you gf. she is telling you loud and clear she is not ready. RESPECT THAT. breaking up is hard, i know it feels like a rejection but it is not. she needs to take care of herself right now, let her do it. be available if she needs you, but don't push. the less you push, the more she will turn to you. if you push you will lose her for sure.

i have moments of weakness, but for the most part, i try to just keep to myself and live my life and bf knows i am here if he needs anything. but i am letting him go and do whatever he needs to do. i can't force the issue. and neither can you.

let her go, you take are of your custody stuff. if it is meant to be it will be. it is hard, but you will lose her for sure if you don't let her do what she needs to do. down the line somewhere she will surely resent you for it. you don't want that do you?

mlhb

Just curious: Why are you and your wife divorcing? Did she file or did you?
Also, is there any way the two of you can be more civil to each other, as in be as polite as you can? She might back off on the custody thing if she sees you as her ally.

It might seem like she starts the fights, but if you don't engage once she presses your buttons, it won't be as much fun for her to be a hardnose to you. That could end up saving you attorneys fees. Very difficult, I know.

I get what you are saying mlhb, I do. You are right, it is very hard. The worst is that taste of heaven. When she isn't letting her fear guide her, she is so open and free...our time is filled with great things. I only hope that God can give her the strength to allow herself to be that person all of the time.

Do you ever worry about your BF finding someone else during the time in between? Do you worry that you might?

Even as a friend and not a BF, are there things that I can do to help her through it? Besides just being there and that stuff that has already been going on.

Bellevue: My wife and I divorced back in February after a 6 month seperation. I was unwilling to keep compromising when she didn't do her part. She is an unstable person who can't hold a job, and it put a lot of financial strain in our lives. She is someone very dependent on others, but doesn't recipricate in any way. After awhile of standing my ground, I grew less emotionally attached to her until she finally asked for a seperation. I agreed without hesitation and asked her to go to counseling with me, she refused. Then she started EA's and other stuff online. We tried to reconsile, but our differencs in living, parenting, and other things were too different...different then they were when we were dating. I picked up the ppaers and she filed them.

The custody isn't a matter of being civil, it is a matter of she is nuts. She is unstable, and makes poor decisions. The divorce was originally 50/50, but she filed a motion for full so she could move out of state. She wanted to move with her brother because she couldn't hold a job and pay for her rent. Eventually she has lived in 5 different places now in 7 months...and still fights for residency even though for 4 months she didn't even have a residency. She has put my son in dangerous places, and people, and so I am taking her original motion and counter motioning for full myself. The problem is that she thinks she knows best just because she is his mother, and that isn't the case. I on't want my son picking up all of her bad behaviour and way of thinking about life, I want him to spend less time (not no time) with her so he can feel more secure and stable as he does when he is here with me.

Anyway, that's a big ol' bag of worms there Bellevue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

i can't worry about that arashi. if he finds someone else than number one that is his loss and number two, if that is what he feels he needed to do than i must move on.

i am not looking for anyone else, i am living my life. i am not "worried" i might find someone else because i am not looking. i am back in therapy for about a month now and i need to get myself healthier and stronger and to heal. i am in no place to be searching out someone else right now.

it is hard, but there is nothing you can do. let her be, and let her come to you when she is ready. the best thing you can do is step back.

the reality is, she may need a long time to heal and be ready. you will have to decide in the long run if you can or if you want to, wait. it is easy to say right now you will, but you may feel differently 6 months from now if she says she is still not ready.

this is all very soon after divorces. use this time to heal and improve on yourself. use this time for YOU and your child. that is what i am doing. i use this time for me. to better ME. to concentrate on ME.

mlhb

Arashi

if you are afraid of losing a GF, then you aren't ready to be dating. . . i have dated mine for 5 years or more, and if she decides that i can't be there on her time frame, that's her decision, and i had some great times and memories. . .

if you are afraid to lose someone, you won't be able to leave someone if character flaws arise that you can't live with. . . you won't see them until you are married. . and then its too late. . .

so many stories on here and in real life about people who rush from one marriage to another who don't understand two pieces of information:

1 what did you contribute to the demise of the relationship

2 why you picked someone that either wasn't a good match

3 why you picked someone who was manipulating you.


wiftty