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Joined: Aug 2007
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Joined: Aug 2007
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How to start this message.....

We have been married for 13 years with two boys (aged 10 & 6). The marriage has had its up's and down's just like any other marriage, but we would normally get through the rough patches...until recently.

I suspect that my husband is involved in an emotional affair with one of his co-workers. Here is the reason why I am saying this....

It all started around about August/September last year when the new girl started to work at his company. It started as a friendship (my husband is a very friendly person and gets on well with other people - while I am a lot more introverted and shy and it takes sometime for me to warm up to people and don't have many friends). From there it went to concern re her wellbeing when the father of her baby committed suicide. The phonecalls started then - he started phoning her up to 10 times a day (while he saw her at work all day) - he was just concerned about her and wanted to check up on her as she was very depressed...his words not mine. I let that go as he is friendly and he does care about the people he works with.

Once that situation was sorted and she carried on with life, he still continued to call her everyday (still up to 10 times a day) at all hours of the day. However, as the stupid wife that I am I did not get too concerned about it as I trusted him.

At the beginning of this year, I started to suspect something and did voice my concern, but was told that I am being neurotic about a friendship. It was this that the secret calls started - calls were made to her before I got home in the afternoon, if calls were made from the cell phone her number was deleted.

At the beginning of June the final straw fell...it was her birthday (he bought her jewellery) when she called him at 23h00'ish on the Friday evening and they were having a conversation while I was in bed and ended the call with a "I love you too". I confronted him about this and he once again said that I was pulling the friendship and remarks out of proportion, but he would end his friendship with the girl.

After that night he constantly assured me that the friendship was over and that he loved me. However it has all started again...the reason why he is always calling her is because he can speak to her and she will listen...whilst I don't. The calls are once again made in secret and he is denying it again.

So, what do I do? Do I look the other way and keep the peace in the house, do I confront him about again and hope that this time it will change or do I move on?

Thanks

Joined: Jun 2006
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I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation. You have found the right place to help. You may want to re-post in GQII as there's more traffic and many veterans to help. Also, consider putting your stats in your signature line, such as: your/your H's age, d-day, children (age/gender) and any other pertinent stuff.

Do not look the other way. Expose to your H's work and HR. A little reality will put a damper on their fantasy.

Read up on Plan A. Either your H or his OW are going to have to leave the job if your marriage is to survive.

Good luck and God Bless you.

BTW, you're not stupid, WH and OW are!

Last edited by BringItOn; 08/21/07 07:33 AM.

AKA VowsRSacred/ VRS Me 44 WH 46 dd Mar 7 06 Dday 2 Jan 19 07 EA and PA DD 19 DS 10 DS 7 DD 4
Joined: Nov 2006
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stupidwife,

Do not allow this relationship to continue. You need to stand up for yourself. Tell your husband that you want him to cut off this "friendship" with this OW and look for another job out of respect for you. All the meanwhile you need to snoop like a PI for more signs of an affair. If he continues you should expose to his parents, friends, and his employer. This will piss him off, but he'll get over it. Allowing this to continue will only worsen your situation. It's like cancer, the longer this goes on untreated, the more likely it is to end your marriage.

At the same time you need to identify your WH's top ENs and start meeting them. Men's top needs are generally sexual fulfillment, admiration, and recreational companionship. Avoid all love busting behavior. After a period of several months if things haven't changed, kick your WH out of the house and go to plan B.

I encourage you to post on the General Questions II forum as there are many experienced posters there who have been through exactly what you are going through now. They will help you with a detailed plan.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Apr 2000
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How to handle? Bust it wide open. You go to the workplace and find the co-worker. Bring the children along with you. All of you be well-dressed. You can tell her flat out to leave your husband alone and leave your family alone. You can do this without cussing or turning the air blue.

Make a point that you are a FAMILY and that there is no room in your relationship for HER and her baby. Make sure you are heard by people in the area.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your H is being a doofus. You are the wifely warrior, the keeper of the hearth and home. The vermin is to be shown the door and told never to call hubby again.

You do this in accord with Plan A.

You need to find out about the HR department, and write an exposure letter to them. There are examples all around the site.

DO NOT WARN your husband of your intent. Get prepared, then it is scorched earth time. Everybody gets the word at the same time.

It doesn't matter if this coworker is Mother Theresa. She is bad for your marriage. She isn't a friend to you. Don't give in to the idea that you can all be "friends." That's like offering to take small doses of arsenic a little at a time until you get used to the poison. Their friendship is toxic to your marriage and your family.

You don't need hubby's permission or approval to do this. He's fogged in. Be prepared for his fury and his threats. Standard for exposed cheaters.

Don't do what I did: Lay low, be quiet, go along with it. The "friendship" is a pustule. Lance it, squeeze all the puss out of it, and don't apologize. You got nothing to be sorry for.

Now go save your marriage.

Joined: Jun 2007
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What everyone said is right. He needs a new job and fast before it escalates. What friend do you say I love you too?? I dont think that is too common for married people to do..


Me - 26 & Hubby - 27
In Love since 10/99
Married 6/01' - love our 2 sons ages 4 & 6
Problem: Communicating & Making Time for Our Marriage.
Status: Started Recovery June 11, 2007 -Our marriage is happier & stronger then ever - It's been a year and we are SUCCESSFUL!

Completely head over heels in love with my romantic hubby

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