Was told to repost this here.. was origonally in the just found out section..


WW(27) and I(31) 'celebrated' our 3rd wedding anniversary on August 7. It wasn't much of a celebration though, I gave her a watch to wear with her fashonable work clothes and replace the old watch she had when we first met (which she says I -knew- since our son(3) was born any jewlery irritated her skin.. Admittedly I had thought she stopped wearing the old one because my son slobbered over it constantly as an infant). I received flowers and chocolates with a note that said: If I had to do it over I'd marry you all over again. You are my partner and my best friend.

For a few weeks at this point she had been staying late at work and even going in for a few hours some weekends to catch up on things with a coworker(very heavy case load as she works as a paralegal in a law office dealing with family law). She had been talking on the phone to her coworker (OM's mother) a lot, and had been taking it to other rooms in the house citing the noise level where the kids and I were at as the reason. Spent a couple weekends in a row at the coworkers house even. She even took our kids with her when she went. I didn't think anything of it, she'd never given me any reason to suspect anything was up, even telling me often about the people that hit on her and how absurd it was when she's got the rings on her finger, and we often laughed about it together.

Exactly one week after our anniversary she's storming around the house talking on the phone with her coworker friend acting extremely angry about things. I ask her what is wrong and she says she doesn't want to talk about it. This is pretty normal, but I pressed and it all came out. She hasn't been happy since we've been married. She feels like I ignore her and the kids, and can't deal with my mother or deal with how she perceives I treat my daughter different from hers. To explain, we have a yours, mine, and ours situation. My daughter is 12, hers 8, and our son 3.

After she lays all of this out, I try to start a dialogue about the problems and present calm logical thoughts.. I know there was panic in my voice as she kept saying the words 'I just can't do this anymore'.. and then the walls all went up, and it was just me talking... and talking.. and trying to get her to see that it was all stuff that we could correct... apparently I pushed her even farther away doing this.

Thursday, August 16 she informs me that she can't 'think' in the house with me and is taking the children to stay with her coworker (at this point I still don't know where her coworker lives). She says she's just going to 'think' and won't drag this out.. for the kids sake.

Every opportunity to talk to her I essentially spent pleading with her to come home so we could start working this out. I printed out all of the MB FAQ's and basic concepts and tried to get her to read it as a way forward for us to help put our marriage back on the right track. It was like throwing water at a wall, I don't think anything was getting through.

I checked the cell phone bill after some questionable comments she had made about 'text messages' on our bill, and discovered that she had been calling a strange number all week. I soon discovered that this number was the coworkers son (OM age 26). The calls were in the morning after I went to work and just before she started, or at night after she said that she had gone to bed early because she was tired and stressed out from work. There were 86 text messages starting the Monday before our fight all the way up until the Saturday she left to this same number. It was clear to me on Friday so I came home from work to confront her at lunch when she was to come let our dog out.

When I asked her about the number she lied and told me that it was the coworker's husband she was talking to in the mornings. Go figure... so I asked about the OM by name and she said 'Oh he's just a friend'... it's like these people have a script they read from.

By Monday I had her answer.. she left me a note when she had come home to let the dog out that she has spent her whole life being unhappy.. and the last few days away from me she has found happiness again, and cannot 'risk' being unhappy ever again. She wants a Divorce.. and we could talk on the phone about it that night and decide how we were going to do this amicably... for the kids sake.

We agreed on just about everything that we wanted of the marital assets (more like marital debt but anyhow) and that we would have joint custody of our mutual child. She would make up all the forms and give it to her lawyer to sign and it wouldn't cost us a fortune to get divorced. I even gave her the money to file.. I have no idea why I was acting like such an idiot to agree to all of it...

So two weeks after our anniversary where she said she would marry me all over again, we're filed for divorce.. she's living at the coworkers house and my kids are sharing a room with her coworkers kid and 5 dogs. It's been like this ever since.

I keep hearing more and more the kids talking about the coworkers son (OM) and how he's tucking them in at night and taking care of them while mommy is at work. He's moved out of his apartment and back in with mom and dad.. he stays in mommys room but its 'ok' because they have their pajamas on. It kills me that my kids aren't even immune to the lies..

I found out for sure when I dropped the kids off the first weekend and confronted the OM. Looked him in the eye and said to him that if he was going to be the man in my wife's life, and subsequently in my kids lives, that he had better be a 'MAN' in front of them. I shook his hand and wished him luck and turned to my wife and told her that had she told me about all of this sooner it would have been much easier to cope with. She still claimed that they were 'just friends when all of this started'.. I'm sure she'd really like for me to be able to believe that.. but I know that I'm dealing with nothing but lies and deceit now.

Still... I offer her at every turn the opportunity for forgiveness, and a desire to understand. Trying the plan A thing, trying to be calm and not plead with her over the phone but sometimes I lose that control and end up trying to convince her that things could be better (I know.. LB big time right?).

I exposed to her dad (divorced 5 times), her sister (very very Catholic now that shes in her 2nd marriage), her daughters grandparents (the grandfather is also our son's Godfather), and even to the coworker (OM's mother). As of yesterday I got a request from her lawyer to stop all contact with her 'family'.

I've exposed... and I've been offering her the opportunity to go with me and the kids when I have them.. and when she refuses we go have tons of fun without her anyway. I know that's all Plan A stuff right? I've offered her the opportunity for forgiveness and understanding.. and I know it's only been 3 weeks, but I feel like I'm running out of time as the divorce could be final as quickly as 40 days from now.

I need help.. I need ideas.. things that work. She's completely cold to me, and I'm losing hope that she will ever want to work things out and come back home.

I think I have a lot to offer.. I've been the only father figure in her daughters life for the last 3 years until now. In all respects except legally her little one considers me dad. I've been a good father to our son, worked so that she could stay home with him after he was born and not go back to a job she hated, kept supporting the family for the next 2 years while she went to school to get her legal secretary degree. Once she started working I bought us a house that isn't even a year old at this point. Everything she ever said she wanted I moved heaven and earth to try and provide. Thought I was showing my love for her in the every day ways like bringing home a good wage for the family.. cooking dinner.. dishes.. clean up the downstairs.. help the kids with their homework. All things I didn't want to do all the time, but it made our family work.. and I thought everything was fine. Even the message with the flowers on our anniversary suggested things were going great... and now this.

My head is spinning.. I don't think I'm completely in control of me.. but I do know the environment that I helped to create that weakened the marriage. Still, it was not my choice for her to choose him over our family.. and I won't take responsibility for that.

Please help.. any ideas.. any questions.. any suggestions, please. I'm growing desperate to hang on to hope and not embrace the anger and frustration I feel. But she just doesn't want to try anymore..

Contact a lawyer immediately and find a way to get your child out of this situation.
You need a lot of help here and while we can offer some advice...you need to get your child out of that home immediately. Once the child is with you, do not give him back unless a court orders you to do so.
Stop cooperating in the divorce process unless you are being offered custody of your son.
Why you shook that pos hand is beyond me...you are offering to legitimize that relatioship....DON'T.
I am assuming you have NOT let your 12 year old daughter so much as visit that home.
PLEASE ... fight to gain full custody of your child. FIGHT!

I talked to my lawyer about the custody situation. His opinion is that I keep a log, a journal of anything that is 'off' with the kids, and we'll bring it up before the final hearing and slug it out then...

it will be a fight I'm sure. I know she loves those kids, but she is certainly not acting in their interest.. she's certainly not acting in a way that is ever possibly going to benefit them...

I think she just wants the $170 a week in support to finance a love nest for her and her new man..

Aaaaaarg this is sooooo frustrating!!

Did you already sign divorce paperwork and agree to allow your son to be with her in the OM's parents home???

I presume she hasn't taken your 12 year old daughter with her....correct???

Unless you've adopted the her daughter your not likely to win much custody there but you should be FIGHTING this divorce and custody situation tooth and nail.

BTW, how did you two meet and end up dating, then married. Your enabling and acceptance of this situation suggests, merely suggests, that you and her are likely an affair marriage yourselves. If so...your wife has a history of this and doesn't value marriage and commitment she is unlikley to be responsive to Plan A at all.

Finally, don't sweat the watch gift. Her complaints are merely rationalizations and justifications. If you got her a truck full of diamonds she would have complained about where she'd find the room to park the truck.

Mr. Wondering

please go back and read my post again...she has NO RIGHT to remove your child from his home...why did you allow this to happen.

Has your daughter ever visited that home???

This just boggles my mind. You shook OM's hand? You should be exposing to anyone and everyone that knows your WW or OM to let them feel some heat. I'm not a legal expert, but if your WW's coworker is representing your WW, couldn't she be thrown off the case because of a conflict of interest? After all, her son is committing adultery with her client. Tell EVERYONE about your WW's behavior and her affair. Tell her family, friends, EVERYONE. Stop enabling!

I've signed the Stipulation in Lieu of Provisional Orders.. this hasn't even been in front of a judge yet. It says that she is the custodial parent in joint custody of our child and sets a support amount.

We met through a friend of mine I was in a band with, and we got together at one of our shows. Started talking and a few weeks later became serious. I don't think there was anyone else involved at the time, but she had been divorced from her first husband for almost a year. Got pregnant very quick with our son (within the first few weeks) and we ended up getting a place together in January, son born in February, and married in August.

The terrible thing though is that the way she left her ex husband and what she told him sounds exactly like what she is saying to me. I have no idea if she left him for someone else or not.. honestly I don't know what to believe of anything she has ever told me at this point.

She insisted on a Catholic wedding because this was forever.. all the promises we made to eachother inside or outside of the church now mean absolutely zero to her. It's like living with a two headed monster.

My daughter stayed in the car when I dropped off our kids, but she has been to the house.. not inside it.

I called my lawyer yesterday and he said to just log everything and we'd fight it out at the end... I'm not sure what to do at this point.. I believe you are so right.. that I have to get him out of this.. but I feel so powerless..

WW's coworker is also a paralegal.. but not the lawyer representing her.. I'd love to be able to take that angle but I'm not sure it's an option there..

I've told her family.. heck I was the one that informed them that she was filing for D.. and they are furious with her.. I'm sure that's why I got the request. It's not a restraining order.. so I'm not sure if I'm even going to comply with it... I don't want to.. but I don't want to make things worse between her and I -if- there is a possibility for reconciliation..

you are powerless because YOU are giving away your power.

Call YOUR lawyer and let him know that your WW being the custodial parent is not okay and that you do NOT agree that your child should be there...she is an unfit mother in a bad situation.

I have done just that.. left a message for him. I'm starting to get the feeling that he may not be the tiger I need.. I have to get over the fact that this isn't going to be pretty...

But let me ask you this.. if the ultimate goal is reconciliation.. doesn't this hurt rather than help?

No.

You can't reconcile until your wife's affair is over. This will bring about the end of her affair more quickly. Trust me, if you can get over her doing this to you, she can get over you doing whatever it takes to fight for your marriage. Rolling over will cause her to lose respect for you. I stood up to my WW and it made her furious, but we are recovering now. Once her affair with OM is over, she'll come out of the fog and realize that she did this to herself and she is the one to blame for the consequences of her affair. My WW told me she would never forgive me when I exposed and was about to kick her out. Guess what, she only said that to manipulate me into allowing her affair. Don't fall for it.

Jamesus,

Appeasement doesn't work. It only further fuels the WW's entlement making them become more of a monster.



Why? Why, why, why, why would you do this. You do realize that OM should not be around your child. You have no say for the child she had before you, unless you adopted her as Mr. W said (most likely). But please protect your children.

Have you any idea what it is like for children to be subjected to the WS's affair partner. You don't know what he is capable of. He is the enemy. You don't allow your children around the enemy.

Yes, maybe find a different lawyer ASAP if you need to, but do everything you can to get that stopped and changed.

We have a man in town whose WW took off with his FIVE children to OM's house and he went to the court house filled out a request for an emergency hearing with the judge, it was granted, and the judge sent police to the OM's to retreive the children back to the dad's house with a note from the judge himself saying that the children were not to be removed from the family home again and not to be subjected to the stranger OM.

Take care and please remain strong. Remember this is counterintuitive.

Appeasement does not work, not with a wayward. And it won't protect your children or you.

Get strong. Two of these children have already been through this gawd awful chaos in their life. They need you to be strong and stable. They should not have to go through more strangers and upheaval. Poor babies.

You make a lot of sense Jim..

I'm done lying down and hoping for the best. I've thought so far I've been fighting so hard to get her to see that this marriage can work.. but that's not really fighting.. that's just talk.

I have to act.. right?

I'm going to have my lawyer stop the Stipulation in Lieu of Provisional orders... going to fight.. going to see if there is anything I can do about this 'request' of hers.. I should have every right to speak to my child's grandfather and aunt..

I'll talk to my lawyer about an emergency injunction etc...

I think the daycare will help me, as they are not comfortable at all with the OM dropping my son off in the mornings..

I just need to know what I have to do.

Buckle your seatbelt. And keep talking to these people here who are helping you. Most everyone here has been through similar.

Read "Surviving an Affair". Get on AD's if you need to.

Post specific questions as often as possible, vent here and gain strength here and in your God.

Most of all hang on.

You MAY be able to claim that the Stipulation in lieu of Provisional orders was signed by you under false pretenses. For example...you had NO IDEA, at the time of signing it that she was co-habitating with OM in OM's parents home. You didn't know she was sharing a bed with OM in such home DIRECTLY in front of your children.

It's very tough to win custody of a 3 year old child but if you get the right judge you may just win but as I've said on here MANY times before...children grow up. You need to DOCUMENT a fight today so at the very least you can demonstrate, with PROOF, later on that you weren't the bad guy, you didn't destroy your family, you fought for your son, you had integrity and she didn't. If you don't fight NOW...as your 3 y/o son ages...history will be skew'd, dramatically and your then older son will not know who to believe and instead grow up morally and forever confused.

Find out how binding the stipulation is. Giving up temporary custody is merely giving it away permantently as the court will be hesitant to change an agreed to arangement. Quash the stip agreement and fight. You may lose anyway but at least you stood up for yourself.

BTW...her lawyer's letter asking you to stop exposing isn't binding at all. You are free to expose all you want but do it the MB way. No vindication...just informing others of the secret and asking for their help, thoughts and prayers for your family.

Mr. W

To me the ultimate goal is to protect your child...hopefully your wife will follow.

Father's are gaining ground every single day int he courts...fight. I say this as a dad with complete full custody.

fight...and then fight some more...even if you don't win the first battle...keep fighting...document...etc. If your wife is sleeping in a bed with her children in the same room with man that IS NOT her H...call child protective services immediately...This is NOT okay. The report from CPS can be part of your documentation.

Remember....fight.

Very well said. It is so important for children to know and have a strong sense of who their parents are. And we can only do this through actions.

I for one, and I know there are many others, who are so very thankful that you are here helping these parents and their children, Mr. W. As well as helping people preserve the integrity and sanctity of family and marriage.

I want to KISS that judge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!