Just remember to protect your status as the faithful partner, the protector of your family, and the One Who Did Not Cheat.

I'm not suggesting you adopt a cocky or superior attitude, but the bottom line is she should be *begging* you to take her back and forgive her.

Proponents of plan A often fail to distinguish between BH/WW dynamics and BW/WH dynamics, and the two are very different.

You're the prize in this contest, buddy. Don't forget it.

GC

I have an appointment with my lawyer on Monday to go over Temporary custody and do it the right way.

GC.. you indicate that I need to take a different approach.. any suggestions on what that approach needs to be?

GC this seems like a really critical point. Can you elaborate, please?

I'm curious about those dynamics as well.. I've read the 'What to do with a WW' column, but I didn't know that the strategy was different for Plan A..

I'm seriously considering a 180 at this point, focusing entirely on my son.. now that I have laid out the welcome mat and tried to be as compassionate and understanding as I could throughout the first month.. suggestions?

Wellllll, let's see if I can articulate this. It could be controversial.

And nothing is universal.

In relationships women tend to have more trouble with divided loyalties than men do. When a woman cheats she's more likely to check out completely from her marriage and place her loyalty with her affair partner.

This makes reconciliation almost inconceivable to her, and she might have a hard time understanding why her husband would even want her back. It's the old "so much has happened" gambit.

For a guy who's been a decent partner I don't advocate a "plan A" type effort if you have a WW like this. At least not for long. By trying to negotiate with her logically and trying to dream up ways of meeting her needs you just constantly hit your head on the ceiling and make yourself less and less appealing.

I think it's better to push her away and treat her like any woman you might be after. Do things to make yourself attractive and to correct whatever bad relationship habits you might have, but don't present any of it to her as if you're doing it to make her come back. Do things that give you *status* - like having a good lawyer and standing up to her and her cohort when they're trying to step on you.

Always remember, you're willing to take her back, but she's no prize. You're offering her a very generous gift - you're willing to let her sorry butt back into your life.

I believe any cuckolded man ought to practice this attitude.

'Cause you know what? There ARE better women. It's facile and not comforting at all but it's true. There are better women than your WW--millions of them--and you can have them if you want.

GC

You know GC.. you're probably right on target here.

Do you agree that now that I've made the 'generous offer' that I could 180 and more or less focus on the 'me' part of Plan A?

Ok.. a weekend of 180 so far, and honestly I'm finding myself turning a little emotionally cold. I guess it's helping me cope with the loss of the marriage, and letting me focus on what I need to do to win temporary custody of my son.

I go to talk to my lawyer this afternoon about the temp custody situation.

GC.. thank you so much for this. This is helping me keep my focus.

Be strong, and let us know what your attorney says. I agree with GC. Several men here have practiced his theory, and it does seem to work.

Trying to be strong, still feels though like I'm swimming against the current. 180 is completely out of character for me, especially when I feel like everything that is important in my life is slipping away from me... I do know however that the tighter I hold on to get my marriage back the more it slips through my fingers. My son however is another story. I'm building the best case I can... but again, with her being a legal secretary who works with this every day, she knows how to navigate these waters much better than I do.. so I'm not nievly going in thinking that I have any sort of advantage.

Stay on the high road, but be decisive and don't let anyone step on you or put you in an unflattering light. Don't let them lay down the rules for your interactions.

It's this week-old post that still has me worried about you.

What do you think about that day? If you had it back what would you do differently?

That day is the day I solidified my decision to seek custody for my son now, and not wait for the end of the divorce.

Looking back on that day, it is what gives me strenghth to go on and the knowledge that I'm doing the right thing for my son, regardless of whether or not he and I have to move on with our lives with or without her.

Looking back on that day I would have avoided going into anything having to do with our problems in the marriage and stayed on the attack about her affair, that it is unacceptable, that it hurts everyone she cares about up to and including herself, and would have ended it at that.

Looking back I should have goaded him into hitting me, called the police and had them come pick up my son.

Looking back I think I've made some questionable decisions but feel very strongly that I am on the right course now.

Wow... she's really got me twisted.

She actually had her lawyer call mine up to convince him to get me to drop the temporary custody issue because 'He's only doing it to try and get her back, and that is not going to happen.'

I hope she continues to underestimate me like this.. it will make getting my son back that much easier.

We should have a judge and know when the date is for the Temporary Custody hearing sometime this week.

Now I've just got to get all my little ducks in a row and make sure her little ducks don't trump mine.

It's f'n on... if she really thinks this 25 year old kid is the answer to her dreams.. she can have him. But she will -not- drag my son through this kind of life.

We are now offically at war.

To be honest with everyone.. if it comes down to me having to fight her and win to protect my son.. by the time the judge hands down his decision.. it's probably going to be too late for her to try and come back at that point.

Let's see how this plays out.

Jamesus,

If you are already feeling like that, I would suggest going to plan B to protect the remaining love your have for your WS before you start hating her. This will at least give you a chance at reconciliation if she ends her affair.

I don't think Plan B will work until he gets custody of his kids. He needs to be able to communicate with her to check on his well being. After that, I agree that he should Plan B her...or more appropriately, plan D. While I agree with your approach for most situations Jim, IMO, this woman crossed a line that cannot be forgotten when she put her kids in a very bad situation.

Interesting, she thinks you're so desperate (and eeeeevi1!) that you'd use your son as bait to lure her back.

Take a strong position but also try to have as much compassion for her as you can. Look how confused she is. She thinks you're trying to make your child a pawn.

I suppose the main trait she sees in you is desperation. Don't give her any more reasons to believe that's what's happening.

Oh, and try not to show any anger when you interact with her. Just be cool, too cool for the room.

Have you been able to get out and do anything you enjoy lately? You ought to.

GC

I don't want to hi-jack the thread, I just wanted to say I have been following this and you are all like a band of brothers, what a good read!

Jim..

I've pretty much taken the 180 approach to her from this past weekend on. I think that's as close to a Plan B at this point as I can do until Temporary Custody comes in. We're still waiting on a judge at this point, and I'm making sure to get all my little ducks in a row.

I think I've got a strong case to get my son on a Temporary basis while she's living in a shared housing situation in order to get back on her feet. From everything I can see she hasn't even started to look into getting her own place so if she intends to stay with the new boyfriend and his mommy and daddy and brothers I think it can only play to my advantage.

MEDC - I think plan D is definitely going to go through. I recognize her actions though for what they are, the affair fog. Unfortunately you are right, she has crossed a line with the kids that cannot be forgotten. It's going to be a long hard road for her if she wants to come back at this point. I will leave the door for opportunity open, but it's by far not my focus at this point. Thank you by the way for sticking with me against your better judgement. I really appreciate your advice more than you can probably tell.

GC - I've actually been rather upbeat whenever she answers the phone. I don't talk to her about us anymore and simply ask to speak to my son, and then to my stepdaughter (which she has denied since Monday of last week). I've stopped asking how she's doing or if she needs anything. Actually I paid the CC bill that she agreed to take over today so that it wouldn't go late.

As far as doing things I enjoy, I've actually been writing music and working out on my home gym again. I've found a lot more energy for myself and have been able to reward myself with some great leisure time activity. Plus my son loves it when I play for him. Been spending loads of time with my daughter and that's made it much easier to deal with things and keeps my mind focused on the kids. Honestly the last couple of days I've felt really good about myself. Your post about me being the prize in this has really kicked me in the head where I needed to be kicked. I can't thank you enough.

Doingfine - Thanks for keeping up.. please feel free to chime in if you've got any suggestions.

Jamesus-

You sound strong. GREAT!

You have a plan, you're taking control and working the situation...that's EXACTLY what you need to be doing.

Just wanted to throw some words of encouragement at you...way to to!

Owl... oh wise one, don't think I've forgotten your words of wisdom either. I want you to know how much I appreciate your encouragement.

I feel strong, really for the first time in all of this I feel as if I'm operating from a position of strength. I feel like I've recovered some of my dignity. What a fool I was to allow myself to let her have that as well even for a month.

It is my family, my honor, my son, my heart and soul that I fight for now. -I- never turned away from them.. I never knowingly and willfully hurt my family or my kids.. I have the high ground and I intend to hold it until the bitter end.

Good man.