personally....I wouldn't send her any letter at this point. show no desperation for her to return...
continue your course of trying to get custody of your child....and James, I will tell you that I am still shocked that you EVER give her your son back knowing she is taking him there.
Have no written communication with her without the consent of your lawyer.

MEDC... I fully understand your position.

I don't think this shows desperation.. honestly I don't feel desperate at this point.

It will honestly be much harder, for much longer if she does decide to come back.. but for the sake of my family I am willing to do what it takes to at least try.

This is, to some effect, my Plan B letter at least during the D... with a full on Plan B to come once it's all over if the A is still hanging around that long... and provided what interaction I have to have with her doesn't completely destroy what feelings I have for her.

I also understand and respect your position on my son. Believe me, there is a very large part of me that wants very much to take your advice and run with it. What I am doing with him however, is what my lawyer and I determined to be interpreted as the best course of action in the eyes of the court in the light of the case I am building for my son.

Trust us, don't send the letter. If you are going to do anything, get a REAL plan B letter ready to go. Your letter will hurt more than it will help.

I trust you.. that's why I asked.

How is this going to hurt more than help? I guess I need to understand that so that I can keep what I need to keep in mind going forward.

She just pick apart the stuff she doesn't like and use it as justification to continue her affair and the divorce. You can't reason with a WS, so trying to is just an LB. Just let her stew on her own thoughts. Don't add any fuel to the fire.

Don't do or send anything until after temp custody is determined. This is your number one priority right now, along with securing finances.

Because she has moved out and divorced is filed for, and there are children involved.

Afterwards you can do the Plans and try to reconcile if you want.

Try to take the advice on how to handle her convo's with you as you are being given by the folks here who have dealt with this, but solicit no convos with her, and give her no food for that crazy making machine.

Relationship talk should be avoided at this point. You can present a strong, upbeat, self to her for the few moments you see her, and avoid all LB's.

Your answers to her R babble should be limited to "yes, I understand" "I'm sorry you feel that way" "I love my family, and this is not what I want", etc.

You letter is filled with DJ's, and it won't be rec'd as you hope. It probably won't even be read.

When you engage in R talk with a wayward who has already decided they want a divorce it backfires, and it only reenforces in their mind how much they want to get away from you.

Your best bet James is through actions. She may change her mind down the road, her feelings may change as hey often do, but it is yuor actions which will have the most affect, not your words.

Your action to fight for your son, and visitation rights for yuo stepdaughter will do more than any words to show her what a strong, steadfast, capable man you are. This is attractive in the long haul.

Stay your course, even though it is very hard and painful, this letter will not take away your pain or illicit a change of mind in her. I'm sorry. But time is going to be your friend, and the fact that her 25 yo affair parent boy is not going to be able to measure up to you in the long run.

Don't worry, she will probably be back, and at the time you can decide if you want her or not. Don't worry about that right now.

You guys definitely make a lot of sense...

I guess I really was looking at this as sort of a Plan B type thing.. but in reality I -do- need to hold off on Plan A or Plan B until the custody thing is done.. hopefully it won't be a long wait..

I guess what I'm hearing is that: SHE MUST COME TO THESE THINGS ON HER OWN.

I just don't see it happening while she's mixed up with this family.

I saw this as a way to 'stand up to her' or 'stand up for myself'..

You're right.. don't do -anything- to put my case for my son in jepoardy..

BTW... anyone have any luck on locating SDGuy's Plan B?

I've been looking for it all day..

Do not send that letter.

Okay, now I'll read it...

DO NOT SEND THAT LETTER.

That is a write-it-and-throw-it-in-the-fire letter if I've ever seen one. Get rid of that thing.

GC

Thanks for the input GC..

I haven't sent it.. I still have it, and it's in my journal.. along with a lot of other thoughts that I'm sure wouldn't benefit me where it comes to my W.

I received Harley's books Surviving an Affair and His Needs Her Needs last night, and am about half way through SAA.. I'm hopeful again.. but also very scared because of how close I feel John and Sue's story is to my own. At times while I read this I think to myself.. yes, I can do this.. my family is worth it.. and at others I can't imagine allowing myself or my kids to go through this kind of pain on a prolonged basis...

I know the end result is the goal.. and I know in my heart that I love my wife.. but if this A keeps going on the way it is.. the hateful looks and lies from my W.. when I did nothing to deserve this sort of treatment (not saying I'm not at least 70% responsible for creating the environment that led to the A).. and especially seeing my children suffer is making -enormous- withdraws from my Love Bank..

Ok... so now that I've got my head screwed on a little tighter.. how do I interact with her and still preserve what love I -do- have left for her while I wait for the A to die what I fear is going to be a natural death.. like Sue's in the book...

skip the book for now...you are not in Plan A or Plan B. You are in Plan..whatever it takes to get your kid back...THAT SHOULD BE YOUR SINGULAR FOCUS RIGHT NOW. After that you can implement a Plan A or B IF you really want a woman back that would put your child in such a precarious situation. I never would...but that is a personal call.

Your interactions should be business like. James...let me ask you a question that I don't believe you have answered staright up as of yet...WHY are you still letting your child go over there? What is your motivation for doing that?

MEDC... my lawyer advised me, because one of our strong points is that throughout the current process I have been the cooperative parent, that not returning DS at the agreed upon times would throw that point back into her favor..

I can't -prove- an immediate threat to justify such an action.. most of what I know of what goes on over at that house came out of the mouth of an 8 year old and now I'm cut off from her as well.

Based on my experience...and you should defer to your lawyer...this is a HUGE mistake. So, your lawyer has suggested that her removing the child from HIS home and letting him shack up with the OM is being coopoerative??? I think you would do very well to get another opinion...the longer your son stays there...the less likely the courts will be to allow him back. Ask around Jim...I think both you and your attorney are making a serious mistake here.

I know.. but what he's saying to me makes sense. I don't want to give the courts the appearance that I'm playing tug of war with my son, or being uncooperative.

I think there are other merits of my case that will outweigh the 'timeline' at this point.

While it's driving me nuts.. believe me it is.. it is also giving me more and more ammunition to use the longer he is there and I can show that someone other than my WW is taking him to daycare etc...

That's just it... I think you are LOSING ground with your actions...that you are giving away your ammunition.
I think that your cooperation will be seen in a VERY neagtive light...if I were the one deciding this I would strongly question how a parent could allow their child in that situation...YOU will not be viewed as cooperative IMO...you will be viewed as ENABLING...HUGE difference.

You...and YOU alone...are sitting back and allowing a new "normal or status quo" to be created and the longer it is in existence...the greater the chance a judge will be hesitant to change it.

Last time Jim....fight for your child...and enabling is NOT fighting. Call a father's rights specialist and get another opinion.

Man.. you're really beating me up about this.. and believe me.. I -do- understand where you're coming from.

My lawyer tells me that we will have a judge soon and get the Temporary Custody thing settled.. I am going to bide my time until then. I have faith in my lawyer that he knows what he is doing.. I'm following his advice and gathering every shred of evidence I can to get my son back while this D is going on.

Ordered the book..

good.

James...I am not beating you up. I am just shocked at the advice you are being given...the most basic...and I mean BASIC of "rules" in situations like this is for the children to remain in their home. I cannot fathom why your attorney is not in this camp. His recommendation is making em question his competence.