Been a rough weekend so far.. pretty much finished with the interrogatory.. almost 30 pages of me trying to dig through the last 4 years of my life.

Gotta make sure I have all of my documentation together or at least know what I need to get for Monday. I've got to have it all back to the ice queen and her lawyer on the 10th.

Hardest thing though is her asking me to pack up all of DSD's things... I think I'm just going to tell her that I'm going to need more time to get it all together with boxes and such for it all... and that I'll let her know when I get it done.. this is so heart wrenching to think about not ever seeing my little angel again.. I know she's doing this to try to hurt me, but it's my little girl that's going to get hurt in all of this.. and for what? To what ends? That's the part that bothers me about all of this.

J

I hope your attorney advised you to be as vague and yet direct as possible on your interrogatory answers.

Typically, even I try to answer each question to exhaustively. (I am always disturbed with how vague and meaningless the answers to my interrogatories come back)

Don't.

Just answer them.

Now that you've got everything together...chop it down to just the necessary information needed to answer the questions without to much explanation.

As far as DSD's stuff...I would return it in a slow trickle. I'd also consider hiding a short note in each box of stuff as a message to DSD that you are still thinking of her. Careful not to say anything about the situation as the notes could somehow be used against you in the future. My guess is they would say you are harming the child by communicating "lies" to her.

Mr. Wondering

edited to add: Be careful with the DSD...as this fight continues and God forbid you divorce...DSD could...COULD...end up your adversary in this mess. Your WW is in position to corrupt and influence her against you. Over the years this could become deeply embedded and DSD herself could end up being a horrible influence and liar to your son. DSD isn't old enough to understand your end of the upcoming battle...she only sees you "fighting" her mom in court and "embarassing" her with exposure. Her confusion about the situation and the exploitation of such confusion by WW may ultimately take DSD's heart from you for a long time. Be prepared. They may even use DSD to spy on you.

James,

Hang in there. I wish I had great answers for you, but frankly, I don't.



Yes, it IS your daughter that is being hurt here, and not having the ability to "do" anything in her regard is likely the worst part of the sitch for you. I understand.

Mr. W's suggestion of giving her things back slowly and putting in those notes is GREAT! Make them special, "Daddy loves you ALWAYS" messages. Key into anything that was special between the 2 of you. She will keep those for when she misses you, for when she is lonely or confused, and she will have them forever. Nothing WW does can take that away from you. Her knowing you love her is the BEST you can give her.

Most WS's see little to none of the damage they are bringing on their children while they are in the height of their A's. Nothing and no one else matters to them. They twist and justify their EVERY action. I gave up trying to understand, but at times it STILL drives me crazy.

Be strong. Be patient with yourself. I think you are doing an outstanding job of handling all of this.

Good luck tomorrow.

{{{JAMES}}}}

I know she's doing this to try to hurt me

No, she isn't. It's worse than that. Your suffering is incidental.

GC

What do you mean by this?

I know.. this is something that I'm struggling with, thinking it might almost be a good thing from a legal standpoint that she's no longer allowing me any contact with her. But man.. outside of looking at it legally.. this is wrong on so many levels.. and in so many ways.

Bugsmom

I keep wishing for that magic thing to fix everything.

I know it won't come.

I think the AD part of the smoking cessation drugs are working though. The dips in the rollercoaster didn't seem quite so bad yesterday.. so maybe that's a plus.

I'll drop a few notes and a few items in with her things.. probably only do a box or two for Wednesday.. probably be about all I can handle.. I can't even begin to tell you how much this is ripping me apart.

Well.. sent the following to the alien:

You'll need to come to our church to pick up DS at 8:30 on Wednesday.

Just show up a few minutes early if you don't want to have to go in, I completely understand why you wouldn't feel comfortable about discussing our marriage and its current problems with a priest, however I'm going to keep my 8:30 appointment with Father Ted.

I won't have DSD's things ready for Wednesday, didn't have time to get to it this weekend. I'll let you know when I get around to it. If she has any specific things that she feels she needs, let me know and I can maybe put a few essential things together. Don't have the boxes for much else just yet.
-------------------------------------------

Her reply:

I will not go to the church to pick up DS. If you have to be there at 8:30 PM let me know what time you need to leave your house and I will pick DS up fifteen minutes prior to the time you leave. There is nothing that I feel I need to speak with a priest about.

With regard to DSD's things, you have 48 hours to get all of her things together. If you do not have her things by Wednesday, we will handle this matter in Court. I have documented this and, if I have to, will use this as an exhibit in Court.


-----------------------------------------

Mr. W and others... any insights here?

Only response sent so far is:

I've rescheduled with Father Ted, you can pick up DS at 8:30 at my address.

What is the agreed upon time for her to pick up your son? Is the Church out of the way for her? Sounds like she is being difficult, but I think you did the right thing by agreeing to let her get him from your house as agreed upon.

James,

Don't let her bully you! Stop accomodating her. Is there a current court order that she HAS to pick up DS at your house? If not, to heck with her.

Let her "document" and use as "exhibits in court". She will use those words over and over and over to get her way if you ALLOW it.

Regarding DSD's things,,,,,,why do you need to box them up for her? How about she let's DSD come over and you will help DSD box it all up.

You don't have to comply with any 48 hour time limit. Give a reasonable alternative that works for YOU. Let her document THAT as well.

Calm, cool, collected responses. YOU show the ultimate in being reasonable in your communications so that when ready by ANY 3rd party, it will be easy to see.

She is MAD and she is SCARED so she is lashing out at you. Trying to make you the Bad guy. Stand tall. Put on your armor!! Believe me, I am oh so familiar with THIS WS tactic.

ABSOLUTELY she knows that SHE needs to talk to a priest. She needs to be down on her knees begging for forgiveness and help. She KNOWs that. THAT is why she is SO ANGRY right now. Believe me, any time a WS is faced with anything that makes them possibly face the truth of their actions, the nastiness really kicks in.

You get to remain calm, cool & collected. Stand on the side of what you know is right for you, for your kids and for your M. Let her rail at the world and at you. Remain calm. Be that lighthouse that shines through the FOG of A-land.


Hang in there!!

Yeah, let her document it. So you've been busy? You're not refusing to give her the stuff just haven't been able to get it together. As far as I know (and Mr. W can correct me) there's nothing illegal in not having time to get stuff together.

Stop letting her bully you.

I find it incredibly cruel that she is taking DSD away from you. That's stooping very low, even for the stuff we read here at MB.

Perhaps take the sympathetic route.

I am sorry I have yet to box up DSD stuff for you to date. I really tried to get in there this weekend but found doing so far to emotional. I can't bear the thought of you taking her away from the only father she has ever known. I have loved her as my own her entire life and the loss of her equals the loss I feel when you left.

I find these threats especially cruel. I will get you her stuff as I promised...in my time. I'm not playing games here. I'd love to see her and have her come over to help me. I can't bear the thought of losing all contact with her. You're certainly within your legal rights to extract her from my life but no matter what you can't extract her from my heart.

I'll have a box for you Thursday or Friday.

[you could add...My daughter misses you too and I will not forbid her to see you. My sincere wish, as we each pursue our legal rights, with as much respect and civility as that process allows (it's not a picnic on this side either)...is that these children don't get caught in the crossfire. It's just not fair to them}.

Jamesus


Let her document that...and chew on it.

Mr. Wondering

Went Mr. W's route.. I like that approach.. it's very 'me'..

changed a few words here and there in the interest of not plagerizing(sp).. but the gist is the same. Mr. W.. you really nailed how I feel.

I can't thank all of you enough for your excellent advice and daily encouragement. I've never thought of myself as a 'needy' person.. but the validation and encouragement I've received here has gone a long way towards helping me get back on my feet.. dust myself off.. and get ready for the fight of my life.

My wife.. while in the throws of this affair is dead to me. All I have are my children.. I've always fought hard and beat the odds for the benefit of my family. She's chosen not to be part of that anymore.. so I can't worry for her.. I can't protect her from herself. I -can- protect my son and my daughter... and God willing, to some extent my little T-bug..

God grant me the strength.. give me the courage.. blanket me in your comfort and light when my will wavers.

James,

Mr W's suggestion was PERFECT! So glad you went with it! Anyone would be hard pressed to argue with that approach.

I completely understand what you are saying about the need for encouragement and support. It's hard to stay charged for "battle" so to speak. I felt and continue to feel the same way. The need for support is normal and I know we are all so thankful for what we get here.

Prayers for you and your family.

(((((((Bugs))))))

Thanks again for giving me a good pep up this morning. Your personal battles, I know leave you feeling drained so just know that I appreciate the strength you are lending me, and hopefully I can repay that in kind. You're doing so well with all that is going on for you, and while I haven't had much to add to your thread the last couple of days, you have been in my thoughts and prayers.

I have to say that this morning I woke up with a sense of optimism. Hope I'm not just setting myself up for a fall later today. I don't really have any expectations other than to have a good day at work, and that at least is entirely within my control.

Not going to lurk here all day today, but will check back from time to time to update and see if anyone has any suggestions, but going to start focusing on work again at work. Been falling behind a bit the last month and a half.. and I can't afford to lose the best job I've ever had.

Thanks to all of you again for helping me out.. your advice, even the bits I don't use, have inspired and built me up for this fight.

While not officially in Plan B.. I have been dark other than the emails you guys already know about since our phone conversation.. I think it's making things easier on me at least.. I don't have to worry about finding the real meaning in everything said and done.. and I find that I don't trigger those feelings of anguish quite so much. Plan B might just save my life... not sure I'm going to do the intermediary thing though.. if my LB dips too low I might have to, but for now I'll handle things with her via email.. she seems to like that route as well so it should work out.

James,



Good for YOU! I have been battling this feeling & situation with MY work for almost a year. Glad you are catching yourself early & pulling back into what you know you have to do. Well done!

For now, I'd say stick with the email as it seems to be working best for now. I like it because it gives you the TIME you need to formulate well thought out responses AND use the forum for input. Mr. W is on the mark with helping you there for sure!!

Have a Great day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

The alien makes contact again.. her response to last nights email:

I don’t appreciate the unneeded lecture (yet again) from you. Pay attention very carefully because I am going to tell you something I’ve told you numerous times before and apparently you haven't been paying attention or else I wouldn't have gotten this email. I am not trying to keep DSD from seeing you. She doesn’t want to see you and I am not going to force her to see you because that would do nothing but make her resent both you and me. She is not suffering, as a matter of fact she is doing really well both emotionally and physically. The only person who does have a choice or say in the matter of her seeing you is her. I have been talking to her and letting her know that you love her and miss her. Give her time. This is about her, not you. She needs time to get over the anger at you. If you can't respect that and have to blame me for "ripping her out of your life", then fine do so. But keep it to yourself, because I am tired of hearing about it.

As far as DSD’s belongings are concerned, I have asked you for the past three weeks to get her things together. Not because I want them, but because DSD wants them. I don’t need an 8 year old’s things. The only reason it is important to me is because it is important to her. Apparently you don’t feel the same way as you haven’t gotten around to it yet. You act like I wrote that because I just wanted to be mean. I am tired of going around in circles with you regarding DSD’s stuff. What I find completely unnecessary and exceptionally cruel is keeping DSD’s things from her, which is what you have done for three weeks.

I am not putting the kids in the middle of this situation. This matter is between you and me. No one else. That is why I am wondering how on earth I managed to get a phone call from DSD's grandmother right around the same time you wrote your email about this very same subject. ESP? Quit dragging other people into this. I know that they are family, but they have their own issues to deal with.

Why does she say that DSD is angry at you?

She said after the 10th (coincidentally when she found out I was going after custody of DS) that DSD overheard her animated phone conversation with me and asked her about it the next day. She says that she told DSD the 'truth'.. that if I got custody of DS, that she would only get to see her brother on Wednesdays and every other weekend.

She told me that Wednesday that DSD was mad at me for two reasons 1) I'm taking her brother away, and 2) I'm disrespecting her mother.

Keep in mind though that these are WW's words to me.. I've heard nothing from DSD, and have been denied contact every time I've asked to talk to her.