Jamesus,

It's important to do everything you can to save your marriage, expecially where children are concerned, so that down the road you have no regrets.

Also, because just moving on, will bring on trouble with your next R's.

I didn't try to save mine with DD's dad, and I have regrets over that, plus by just "moving on" I didn't grow, didn't learn anything and subsequently made some bad choices in guys afterwards.

You will grow immensely through all of this, regardless of where she is or isn't in two years. Chances are you won't want her back, but at least you are fighting for your marriage and family.

If she comes back, and you decide you don't want her, or even if you do, you will not have any reqrets, and you will have spent enough time in reflection that if there are mistakes you have made, you are not likely to make them again, with her or with someone else.

The biggest threat I can see is that you will have grown, and she probably will not have.

Around here we say that by working the plans, you will recover even if the marriage does not. There will be recovery, and that is important when someone has been left due to infidelity. That is a hard thing to recover from...

but the plans do give you a good fighting chance to save your marriage, if it can be saved...just don't know at this point though, and can't possibly know if you will want it if it does work out.

So to put an end to my ramblings, you are doing the very best thing that you can right now by fighting for your son and in effect fighting for the family. IMHO.

Thanks Weaver... honestly, with the IL's and DSD's Grands on board.. I'd feel like a chump if I jumped ship on them now..

Doesn't mean I don't have moments where Plan FU looks -really- good.

Printed that off by the way.. going to keep that one in my back pocket for a while.

MEDC - Hello my debating friend. I don't want to TJ either so hop over to the recovery board and read my post called another heartache. I am sure you have more than a few 2x4's for me and I would really like to have your take on the situation.

James - There will come a time when you will simply know if you are done or not. If you are still asking yourself if you are leaving or not..then it isn't time yet. Get your son and then focus on the rest of it. I made the mistake of just moving on as weaver did. I didn't learn anything except how to give up. My remarriage is not going well, but I am going to fight for it until there is no fight left. I believe I made a mistake in remarrying him, not in the act itself, but in the timing. I didn't make him fight for me enough and now I am paying the price.

Don't make this same mistake. It may look like the easy way out, but I assure you that it isn't. Fight until you have no fight left and then fight a little longer. When you can look inside yourself and know that you have given all you have to give and more.....then if nothing has changed...walk away. But walk away in the assurance that it wasn't you that failed. It's a good feeling to know that you have done your best even if the result isn't what you hoped for.

Honestly I don't see your wife coming home and even if she did..i fear you may regret it. Just give it all you have and take heart in the fact that you are doing your best. And that is really all any of us can really do.

James,

Morning!

My dear, you are taking that oh so familiar ride on the rollercoaster. Those ups and downs of wanting the M/not wanting the M. I know it oh so well! Only YOU can decide when the ride has been enough. However, know that it does get better and working the plans DOES help YOU smooth out the ride, no matter where it comes to a stop.

This summer, I took my kids several times to the local amusement park. I went there as a kid myself. We rode some of the same rides that I loved as a kid. But, now, as an adult, it wasn't quite the same. I found that I felt bounced around, beat up, and queasy at times VS feeling that all out wonderful THRILL the entire time. But, I kept right on riding them, because there was some thrill left in it for me & I kept hoping for more. Same way with trying to save my M. I chose to ride the coaster of ups and downs. I got beat up at times, tossed around, etc, but I kept on riding because I wanted to get back to where I once was. It hasn't turned out the way I hoped - but I wouldn't give up one bruise. I am glad I did it.

So, allow yourself the ups and downs.

Glad you spoke w/the Harleys. Give yourself time to think about it. Your emotions will change as things move forward. Good days. Bad days. But as many have said, you will know when it's enough for you. Just don't RUSH.

{{{James}}}

Thanks you two.. I've been looking at all of the signposts along the way, the subtle indications of God giving me direction. He too seems to be saying to hold on.. be still.. be patient.. simply love and wait, as He does.. and eventually she will return, with repentance in her heart..

I'm not a fan.. but I heard an Enrique Iglasias song this morning as my alarm clock went off... honestly been tearing up every time I think of it:

Hero:

Would you dance
if asked you to dance
Would you run
and never look back
Would you cry
if you saw me crying
would you save my soul tonight

Would you tremble
if I touched your lips
Would you laugh
oh please tell me this
Now would you die
for the one you love
Hold me in your arms tonight

I can be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

Would you swear
that you'll always be mine
Would you lie
would you remember
My angel be have I lost my mind
I don't care you're here tonight

I can be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

Ohhh I just wanna hold you,
I just wanna hold you,
oh yeah
My angel be have I lost my mind
I don't care you're here tonight

I can be your hero baby
I can kiss away the pain
(Oh yeah)
I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away

I can be your hero
I can kiss away the pain
And I will stand by you forever
You can take my breath away
You can take my breath away

I can be your hero

Oh hey... if anyone has any ideas about a 'revised' plan B like Harley told me yesterday.

I get that I'm to be cordial and warm to her when on the phone or in person with her, to avoid R talk, and focus on being a good Dad and an attractive spouse.. but I'm still unsure if that's a real -plan-.. feels still like I ought to be _DOING_ something.. but maybe that's just it.. where WW's concerned maybe I'm not supposed to -do- anything.. can't help the situation until Wonderboy and his family are out of the equation..


I dunno.. suggestions from the peanut gallery on how to do this, or maintain a positive outlook? I almost feel like I -need- to have a positive outlook to stay mentally healthy at this point.. not entirely sure what my motivations for that need are.. but I'll be doing some introspection today to see if I can find out. (I'm allergic to nuts so don't throw them back)

ding ding ding. We have a winner.

Write this down somewhere, because the urge to *do* something is going to come back at you again and again.

Thanks Guy Smiley.. I guess I really know that deep down, especially after reading through your thread. Still that urge does get to be overwhelming at times.

Maybe I'm just not looking at it right... maybe by not actively doing anything to influence the WW.. I'm actually -doing- something for me and doing something to progress my fight for my M... it just feels though like I'm stalled out and waiting for a jump start.

Odd thing is that during the exchange this past weekend she seemed pleasant.. on the phone last night when I asked about DS's stomache problem, she seemed pleasant.. and today even in her declining the invitation to join me with the priest Thursday she actually thanked me for the offer...

I almost wonder if she's trying to test the waters now that I've been withdrawn of late.. to see if there's still something there to hook her teeth into. Or maybe she's trying to put the foot forward to see if there's a chance to be 'friends' here... which there isn't.. I want it all or nothing. I'm not settling to being relegated to a friend in her life.. I love her too much for us to ever really work out as 'friends'.. Don't know if that makes sense.. but it's how I feel.

I think though that I'm reaching out too much, initiating contact.. there's just been a real need to tell her about DS's tummy problems, a need to follow up to make sure he's ok.. and I guess there really wasn't a need to extend the offer to see the priest with me.. however at least it lets her know that I'm still out here trying.. just in case her 'pleasantness' of late has been to see if there was anything still here for her to come home to.

I'm almost thinking Harley was suggesting a hybrid of Plan A and Plan B.. be the warm and loving husband.. but no R talk.. keep it light, short, and simple if it's anything not about the kids. Let the lawyer handle the D.. and I'll keep focusing on self improvement and making myself the most attractive option I can be when she has those occasions to consider returning home.

I dunno.. but it sure sounds like something of a plan to me.

Thoughts?

You asked about a revised Plan B. I already posted this on your thread. "Modified" and "revised" are synonomous.

Here is what I wrote:



Wanted to add: YOU must resist the urge to know everything that is being sent, emailed, and messaged. YOU are protecting your love bank such that IF she ends her affair and is ready to recommit to the marriage you MAY remain able to do so. It takes a tough BS to able to resist that urge...when the communication is sitting right in front of you. YOU must realize that there is no point in interpreting, analyzing or responding to anything she says while wayward.

Is there a way to do this without a Plan B letter? I'd like at least to get the temp custody thing out of the way before giving her -anything- she could possibly use as ammo...

What did the Harleys say about a letter? I agree--don't give her ammo if you don't have to, because people generally think that Plan B is "weird."


Amen. You want to preserve your willingness to reconcile, and the more interaction you have with her (especially relationship stuff), the less attractive that option will be for you.

IF your goal is to get your son home where he belongs...do NOT give her a plan B letter.

Well.. Dr. H didn't say anything about a letter. He simply said he would recommend a 'revised Plan B'.. he might have said modified but I think Mr. W is right.. the same thing.

Dr. H did say though that when I -do- interact with her to be warm, cheerful, and exude the great husband and father that I am.. that way she will begin to have pleasant thoughts about me as her A starts to fizzle out and die.

At least this is my impression about the things he said to me after my on air segment was over.

Then don't give her a letter. Try to minimize the interactions and hold yourself together.

She's putting herself into a situation so stupid it is bound to collapse.

Jamesus, may God bless you! Hang tough, I read your post every day, there is awesome advice in it.

If it was suggested to do plan B then you should do it, it will take time, its the nature of the beast.

I will be praying for you!

I'm going to need you to expand on this thought.. while I agree, what she is doing is -stupid-.. I'm not so sure it'll collapse so long as she's being validated by Co-Worker, Wonderboy, and their family.. even -if- her dad and sister are putting the screws to her.

Thank you so much Doingfine.. I can't tell you how much I appreciate the prayers and support of the wonderful strangers I've come to think of as friends here.

When you pray for me, I ask that you simply pray for strength, understanding, the ability to forgive, and for peace... I do ask though, that if you pray for me, you also pray for my wife and children.. they are lost in the wilderness of the Ice Queen's poor judgement and decisions.. If it is God's will.. I pray daily that they see the lighthouse and come home.

I can tell you with 100% certainty that what she is doing now is not in God's will. Maybe you should pray what I prayed for my husband... that God would break him (or allow him to be broken-- there's a humorous story about that on my thread). As my DH says now, "I couldn't begin to do the right thing until I ate dirt."

I think you probably know what I mean. The odds are overwhelming that sooner or later reality will set in, the magic will wear off, and they will realize that this is not the way that they want things. Of course, that may take way longer than you're willing to wait (or should be willing to wait).

The relevant part is that it really doesn't matter. There's nothing that you can do to make it collapse any faster. If you spend all your time looking over the fence (Is it collapsing yet? Is it collapsing yet?), you will make yourself miserable.

It's not yours to control.