James,

I always like to "Prepare for the Worst, but Hope for the Best".

Remember, you don't KNOW what she will or will not do. You don't KNOW her feelings.

Stay focused on your TRUTH. You state it very well above. Practice SAYING that. Practice imagining her railing at you while you stay calm, cool, and collected. Have a list of responses like what you have above ready.

I used to practice OUT LOUD the things I'd want to say to Drac. It's easy to let them get you off track, so I found it helpful.

One step at a time.

Well.. the visit with the Atty went better than expected.

He said that I did an incredible job with the financial information, and he's going to go over the custody alligations with a fine tooth comb in the coming days to make sure he's comfortable with the answers.

I did touch on the major alligation in there and he says that it's pretty sound, in his mind irrefutable, and will certainly play -very- well to this particular judge.

Talk about your confidence booster!!

Honestly the way it went better than expected is that now I feel no more anxiety about it.. and honestly toting the last four years of my life around in a bag lately has really been making my emotional shoulders ache. Now I don't have to carry that burden.. now it's her turn..

I honestly can't say that I fear her reaction at this point. It's going to be what it is.. I'll have my responses prepared.. and they are going to be simple, to the point, no LBs and then I'm off.. busy.. got better things to do than to be scorned further by her.. I no longer have to justify my actions or thoughts to her.. she's got wonderboy for that now.. not my problem.

Wow.. big day for me..

Just got home from my meeting with Father Ted.. what a great comfort he is.

Guys I'm -really- peaceful tonight.. sending out good thoughts and prayers of thanks for all my friends here who are helping me find the narrow path that leads to recovery.. whether it is of my M, or a personal one. THANK YOU.. I know how all of this tugs at your heart..

I truly feel that I am on the right path.. I don't know if I just needed to hear it from the lips of a priest.. but even before I started talking to him about MB.. he said many of the same things to me that follow MB principles..

It's very very validating.. and we prayed together.. for my wife.. for our kids.. for our family. It's good to trust in God's will.. but it's not wrong to hope for a particular outcome.

Just as Jesus said in the garden.. if there is a way, let this cup pass me by.. but your will be done.

I think I'm in a place now where I can really give it to Him.. I think I've been getting there for a while now.. but I really feel tonight that the weight of it is not on my shoulders anymore..

Maybe I can find peace... limiting my contact with WW will help maintain it if it truly is peace I've found.. she must hit her rock bottom on her own.. I will be there, the loving husband to help her pick up the pieces when she finally gets there.

It will happen.. I have faith in that.. I'll just need the patience to wait it out.

Listening to Tool again on the way home..

Song for the rest of the week:

TOOL - The Patient:

A groan of tedium escapes me,
Startling the fearful.
Is this a test? It has to be,
Otherwise I can't go on.
Draining patience, drain vitality.
This paranoid, paralyzed vampire act's a little old.

But I'm still right here
Giving blood, keeping faith
And I'm still right here.

Wait it out,
Gonna wait it out,
Be patient (wait it out).

If there were no reward to reap,
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
Gonna wait it out.

If there were no desire to heal
A damaged and broken man along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would've walked away by now.

And I still may ... ... I still may.

Be patient.
I must keep reminding myself of this.

And if there were no rewards to reap
No loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here,
I certainly would've walked away by now.
And I still may.

Gonna wait it out.

Minor trigger last night.. had a bill that she had promised to take coming up on the due date. I paid it last month, but decided to ask anyway if she was going to pay it on time this month.

She said that she wouldn't unless the judge ordered it in the provisional orders.

Via email, she said that she got an overdue notice about the water/sewer bill and since it was in her name and she can't have anything bad happen to her credit because she's trying to buy a house.. she paid that.. whined about having to pay for and insure the van she's driving. feh..

Poor baby.. I'm such a huge meanie to saddle her with all these bills.. responsibility.. feh..

My response:

crickets

James,

This stuff can be so frustrating,,,,


Yep - - every BS is SO MEAN!! Perfect response. And, coming HERE to vent about it vs risking a major LB was wise as well.

Heck, it made ME mad that she had the nerve to say she's pay nothing without a "Judge" ordering it?? Ohh she was trying SO hard to press your buttons there.

But Cool Calm Collected James, armed with the knowledge from MB and the hand of God on his shoulder stood tall and let the attack bounce right off (atleast in her presence).

Perfect!

Let her face the realities of the life she has chosen to create. IT will be in her face enough (eventually), that you don't need to do anything other than to let it happen.

What's the plans for weekend?

Well.. she pretty much has to pay for the van and insurance.. I told her that I wouldn't pay for it.. and that I had informed the loan company that if payment wasn't received on time to 'come and get it.. here's where she's living.'

Told her as much too.. didn't give her a choice on the insurance either.. just removed my name and car from our joint policy.. and told her to deal with it.

I haven't gotten a sewer or water bill yet, so if it doesn't get paid and she gets dinged for it.. no sweat for me.

As for the other bill that I'm paying.. she agreed to pay it when she left.. it's a CC that she's been carrying since 2005.. it's in my name (like everything else) but all her transactions. Oh well.. yet another promise she's made to me with no intention of fulfilling.

You know.. the root word of adultery is 'adult'.. funny that most are incapable of acting that way.

Right now I loathe her... for what she's done to this family.. for what she's doing to my kids.. for what she's done to me.. but I'm remaining calm.. I know I still have love for her.. can't even begin to tell you why.. but I'm going to do as a poster on another thread said.. move on in all but fidelity.

Discovered some other things that I won't go into at the moment.. some openly luvyduvy behavior from the Ice Queen and Wonderboy.. it's sickening.. juvenile.. and ugh.. makes me want to puke.. but if I'm going to be honest with myself it's nothing I didn't already know.. they're so in love.. he's special.. I'm sure things will be different with him.. She'd never lie to him about her past.. she'd never lie to him about little stuff that doesn't matter.. she'd never ever betray his trust like that... she'd never use him as a live in babysitter and pay him off with false affection and nekked twister.. no.. because he's special. My [censored]... if anything, he's just the next in line of her 'use use use until the well runs dry and then off to the next sucker'.. whatever.. he's special alright... short bus special.

Plans for the weekend?

Going to DD's softball game today, and then going to meet up with some friends tonight. Jagermeister Girls are making an appearance at one of my favorite nite spots tonight.. going to go have a good time with the 'boys'.. I'm not going to allow myself to go too far, but it'll be nice to get back into my old 'scene' and see if I still 'talk real good' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.. Been getting rusty on my game skills.. time to put some polish on em if say a year or so down the road I'm looking to start dating. Just getting back to being the old pre-marriage me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.. I really liked that guy.

Sunday DD and I are headed out to a local historical recreation event called the Feast of the Hunters Moon.. native american/pioneer event that DD and I used to go to but haven't been at least since before I met the Ice Queen.

This is, of course, the kind of stuff you're supposed to be protecting yourself from. These are the kinds of images and thoughts that can get burned into your mind. They will revisit you when you're feeling less strong and make Plan FU/quitting that much more inviting when perhaps you are not ready.

It sounds like you're doing well.

Oy.. don't I know it Guy Smiley..

Anyhow.. I think it's really just the final peg in the puzzle.. the undeniable truth now that she is with him.

She's never been able to cough up the words to actually tell me to my face that she's with him... the closest she's ever come was 'He was just a friend before I decided it was over between us'

Again the brand new 'I'm divorced in my head' divorce.. costs nothing and alleviates all guilt. Truly a no-fault divorce unless you're the spouse being betrayed.. in which case it's entirely your fault.. for everything she can think of.

Yes.. Plan FU is really attractive.. and like my sig says, I'm fighting it little by little every day. I really do want in my head to give up.. to move on.. but I am protecting the love I know I have in my heart for her.. the promises and vows that I made to her, our children, and to God.. I gave up the life I had to be with her once before.. I don't know what more I can give her now.. but I'm willing to find out. She's not.. so the point is moot.

Going to keep working on me.. venting here because honestly if I don't.. I'm probably going to completely hit the point of no return on Plan FU and let her have what's coming to her..

I know I know.. it won't solve anything. It'll just make it worse.

The plan right now is to just step back and let Newton take over.. the objects in motion right now can stay in motion.. pressure from IL's.. even if she isn't returning their phone calls I know mounts.. like a constant reminder of her shame that she can't even bring herself to talk to her Dad on the phone.. because he doesn't support her 'decision'. Or the answers to the interrogitories which will probably play to her more like I'm calling her a bad mother (probably her biggest bright red button to push and one I've -always- stayed away from even when I wanted to tell her to get off her butt and pay attention to the kids).. instead of how it is truly intended.. a simple statement of: I love my son, I care deeply for his welfare, I want him to have the -most- beneficial relationship to be with a parent who puts -him- first.. instead of themselves and their temporary 'happiness' fix.

I'm sure the message will be lost, and my answer to her, if by email will be crickets.. if by phone or in person will be that it doesn't have to be this way, I'm not going to 'discuss' it.. if she wants to discuss something with me, it will have to be after she severs contact with Wonderboy, and commits to working on our M. Otherwise.. I've got more important things to do than argue with her about whether or not she's a good mom.. she knows deep down somewhere that she's destroying these kids.. I just can't imagine how her conscience doesn't drag her down like a stone.

This is -so- not the woman I married.. I'll wait for that woman.. but this one can go sod off.

James,

although it may not feel like it, you are doing really well.


Question - you said,



What's up here? Sounds like putting the kids first is not such a new thing or am I off base? Just curious.

Remember, no matter what she's doing, she is floudering compared to you. YOU have a plan for your actions/your life, no matter how this turns out!

Have a great week!

Thanks for the support Bugsmom.. hoenstly I -don't- feel like I'm doing well at all. If I was doing well I'd have my wife at home working on our marriage with me.. I'd have my kids asleep safe in their beds.. I'd be able to hold them and tell them that I love them -every- night.

Then I'd be doing well.

Right now I'm simply existing.. I'm there like the dog is there. I'm emotionally a complete mess.. praying -constantly- for God to take this pain away and give me some peace.

Triggers all over the place, buttons waiting to be pressed.. landmines just waiting to go off. I live in constant fear that I'm going to say something and screw it up.. constant fear that I've -already- gone too far and she'll never see me as anything but someone who talks down to her.. lectures her.. and has turned her family against her... not to mention her perception of the custody thing is 'He wants to take my son away from me.' which I'm sure has contributed to her focusing all her anger and resentment on me.. Maybe I'm off base on that though.. maybe I'd have it either way.. probably so. I don't deserve it.. I deserve better.. I want the woman I married.

On the other hand though, this week should be interesting.. I know I'm supposed to be insulating myself against what's happening on the other side of the privacy fence, but the familial grapevine still runs through my phone.. Apparently Wonderboy is going to be absent for the week.. not sure if that leaves any openings.. but I'll be praying to God to work hard in her life this week.. give her some clarity while he's away.

A week probably won't be enough.. and I'm sure there will be plenty of contact throughout.. Wish I could say it gave me a glimmer of hope.. and maybe I'm trying to make it so.. but honestly I'm not going to count on anything.

Ran into SIL at church on Sunday.. she was sick so wasn't teaching the kids classes I guess.. totally incidental though, actually saw them on the way out of Mass.. got a wonderful hug from her and pretty much lost it right there outside of the church.. I love my IL's.. they're a wonderful if not slightly odd family. Fortunately though while blood is thicker than water.. they have the clarity to see what's really going on.. and the moral fortitude not to support something so fundamentally wrong.

I worry constantly for my kids though.. apparently DSD is really starting to look at Wonderboy as her new 'dad'.. and so the knife in my heart twists.. still haven't gotten to talk with her, but after I told DS on the phone that I picked up some presents for him and his sister.. he ran to her and said 'Daddy got you a necklace.. talk to him!'... I could tell by her reaction.. the whiny 'nnnnnnhhhhs' as she pulled away from him that she's been fed so much venom about me.. poor girl is so confused.. my heart breaks for her... daily.

As far as not putting the kids first.. it's been a sore spot for us on occasion.. she'll get to a point where she's sitting around reading all the time.. or is on the computer listening to music and reading a .pdf download of a new book that the kids will be trying and trying to get her attention and finally I give her the nudge she needs to pay attention to them.. it's irritating to the extreme.. but we've never really sat down and talked about it.. that's something I intend to work on.. being able to talk about uncomfortable things with her without LBing but making sure the point gets across.

Course, that is provided that she gives the M a real try.. which day by day I'm increasingly doubtful of.

I honestly don't feel like she ever really tried in the relationship.. or if she even knows how. Our 4.5 years together she kept bragging was the longest relationship she'd ever had... and it didn't occur to me until recently that it's about that time that relationships if they are to succeed really start to take effort..

I don't think she's ever really put effort into anything in her life.. unless there's a real benefit to her.

I simply pray that God moves within her life.. shows her the signs she needs to see.. and that she is paying attention to them.. I love her.. I love my family.. and I miss them.. but I cannot change her heart.. that's between her and God.. I continue to pray for patience.. and forgiveness to comfort me as I wait.. silently.. on the sidelines of what I have, for the last 4.5 years considered my life.

Patience is always the hardest thing to keep in focus during these times. You are doing well. I am glad things with your son are moving forward. I think alot of your problem is that there is so much up in the air still. When this custody battle is over, you will have a situation that is controlled and final. I think for a BS, something that is set and controllable is a big step forward.

I am feeling the same way with the situation with my H's OC. I feel like if we could just get the custody settled then I can release this breath I have been holding for so long. I can say ok...this is how it is. To me that will be the final piece in our puzzle. We will finally be able to focus completely on us, because there will be no more questions to answer. It will all be final. Hopefully final in our favor of course.

I am hoping that when you get your son back home, you will feel more confident and more dedicated to your path. I am still concerned over your lack of a court date. What is the problem with this. Have they not gotten the judge they wanted yet?

The story as my atty related to me last week was this:

They agreed back at the end of August on the judge. Unfortunately it was past the 10 days the judge we did a change of venue -from- had given them to request one.. so he handed down a panel of judges.. which they had to scratch or do change of venues to get away from so that they could get -to- the judge they wanted.

As of Thursday all the judges on that panel are scratched.. and they are proceeding to try and get a response from the judge they selected. My atty is very confident we will get him. I'm just waiting on a date at this point.. once that's in place I'll have something new to focus on and will be doggedly determined to do what I have to do to get my son.

I hate that it's come to this.. that she's forcing me to do what I have to do against her in order to get my son. However, everything I wrote in my answers was the absolute truth.. it just never really bothered me her lack of outward interest in the family before because the two of us were there for our kids.. even if it was mostly me tending to their needs. She loves them.. I have no doubt of that.. but right now she just can't see past her own selfishness to do what is right for this family, especially for her kids.

I'll keep praying that this week gives her some moments where the fog clears a little bit..

((Jamesus)) - I'll be praying that God puts people in her path this week that will really impact her life so that her eyes are opened to what she's doing.

Thank you so much for your prayers..

Believe me.. I am praying the same.. God sometimes sends regular people instead of angels.. maybe a little of both will be helpful to her now.

I love my wife.. I care for her.. I know she doesn't see that, and I can't explain why I do still.. but I pray for her constantly.

Patience.. courage.. strength.. love.. all of these things come to me from God now.. as long as He's keeping me in supply, I will continue on this path.

Oh... well, apparently the family grapevine was incorrect.

It isn't one week he'll be gone..

It's two..

I don't know why but this makes me a little anxious.. like maybe there's a window of opportunity here for -something-...

I don't know what that is.. but for now, unless anyone has a better idea.. crickets.

J, I am still thinking of you! and praying for you and YOUR family!
If you go back to your earlier post you will see that you have gotten stronger, tougher and more centered in your quest. You have plans, where before didn't know which end was up.
I wish there was something magical to take away everyone's pain, I would be wealthy (although I wouldn't charge a dime) the only thing is time, that is the magic.
I hope you are doing or at least trying to do things that make you smile, something that you like, a hobby, a sport.
Keep taking care of you and your kids, and making plans

Doingfine.. I can't thank you enough for your prayers.. there are -so- many people praying for my family right now.. both of the Catholic Churches here in town.. her family.. mine.. my friends who surround me, and my friends here. I can't even -begin- to tell you what a comfort that is to me. Don't think I take a single prayer or a moment that the problems of my family weigh on someone's heart for granted.

My SIL just sent me a video from a band called Third Day called Cry Out to Jesus.. now I've always been more of a secular music type guy but this song really touched me.. possibly moreso because of who sent it to me.. but just knowing she is there.. wow.. I really don't have words to describe how deeply I've fallen in love with my in-laws for their determination and fortitude through all of this.

If you ever find that magic, please spread some my way.. I find myself driving in the car just begging God to take away the pain and give me peace... it's almost an every day prayer as I drive home.. wishing so much to see DSD hop off the bus and into my arms.. and to go pick up DS from daycare.. take them both to DD's game or practice.. come home and cook for my family (I -love- to cook.. ) and it's just impossible to make an awesome meal for just me and DD.. she pretty much sticks to chicken which means I'm eating a lot of bird (crow?) lately.

I'm trying my best to be patient.. and I keep saying.. I don't expect it to last six months after they move out of his mommy's house.. but dangit.. the clock hasn't even started ticking on that..and I figure once she finds she's got a real credit problem.. it'll only prolong things.. add to that, I've never been a real patient guy. Guess I'm learning to work on that right? An unanticipated and unintended self improvement that will come with this I suppose.

I am doing some things that make me feel good.. heck, looking at myself in the mirror at 180lbs instead of 210 is a heck of a start.. at 5'8" I'm almost back to within 'normal' range for a guy with my build. THAT's pretty awesome.. the affair diet right? Hitting the weight bench more to relieve anger and frustration.. AND to make sure that I'm one heck of a secksee guy for whoever ends up winning first prize.. whether that's my W or someone else a few years down the road.

Harley told me on the radio show to give her 2 years.. I think what I can live with, is 1 year -after- the divorce papers are signed.. if it gets that far. I know the hard and fast deadlines rarely stand up.. but at the very least I can do a thorough self check at that point in time and make a choice to keep waiting.. or move on.

I say one year pretty much because I'd like to have that amount of separation to make sure I'm fully healed and have at least a personal recovery.. and have built my new life around just me and the kids.. set a few new traditions.. and make sure that anyone who comes into my life fits into that.. rather than trying to make my family fit someone new.

I don't play sports much anymore.. not much hockey going on around this part of Indiana.. used to do pickup games when I lived in Indy.. but there's nothing like that around here that I know of. And well.. I'm getting a little old to run around and play football with these young kids that would leave me panting after about 30 yards.. so that's out.

I do have my music though.. that has always been my release.. and unfortunately a major point of contention with me and my W.. the band being something I would willingly sacrifice (and would probably have to) to save my M.. which is kind of strange considering I met my W at one of my shows.. Over the years she became jealous of all the time I spent on the band, and playing out.. she used to love going with me, but after our son was born it just wasn't much of an option till he got older, but by then the band dissolved... I remember this one time she just -glowed- as she walked by a few college girls giggling and pointing at guys.. she overheard one of them say to another 'Nono.. I think the bass player is taken.. that's his girl'.. We laughed about that long and hard.. and boy did it turn her on to be the envy of girls 5 years her junior (even at 26).. but for now, it's part of my healing process. That and renewing my relationship with God.. that has been an unbelievable comfort.. and coincidentally completely alleviated the need for sleeping pills and alcohol every night.. which was D-Day + 2 weeks into this mess...

I'm now 2 months in.. and I guess you're right.. I've come a fair ways in that amount of time. I certainly could be doing worse I suppose. I'm not crying every day.. just most of them.. every time I think of DSD for any length of time it just flows like a river though.. I still can't believe she's turned that little angel against me... but then again.. I still can't believe she could do this to our family. Divorce would have been hard enough.. but couple it with the infidelity and all the lies.. it's just brutal.

Feeling tranquil at the moment.. a nice loving email from SIL, the video.. and Heroes on TV.. think I'll have a beer, cuddle with my dog (a -wonderful- black lab who has been a champ through all this.. daddy hasn't had the capacity to really spend the time I should with him for the past two months.. but still, his unconditional love and willingness to please is a true reminder of God's love.. and what a true friend really is).. and then I'll call it a nite.. Figure if I wake up in the morning, God still wants me to slug it out another day.. and we'll see where we're at Wednesday.

Heh.. my new favorite day of the week.. It's no longer Wednesday.. it's MeAndMyBoyDay <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

James,

It is good that although you take those glimpses into the 'future', that you pull back and re-focus on what to handle for today & tomorrow. Taking it a day or 2 at a time will make this much easier.

Forward thinking too far isn't productive,,,Just look at how much has changed in the 2 months that you've been in this sitch

Stop thinking in terms of what you may be "too old for" - - geez at 31??!! Find something that you want to do and do it. No matter what it is. Didn't you read that SD is going parasailing this weekend?!! Take advantage of the 'new bod' the infidelity diet has given you can continue to 'build' on that. The better you feel physically, the better you will feel mentally & emotionally.

So, what's it going to be today? Tomorrow is MeAndMyBoyDay,,,what special 'guy' thing will you do with him?

Have a great day!

Well.. Tuesday's not gone with the wind.

Woke up this morning, which is a good start.

OH!! I didn't tell everybody.. DD won her Middle School Volleyball game last night.. that makes her team 10-0 for the year, and they play in the final for the City Championship tonight! I'm such a proud papa.. she's come a long way this year, and scored 5 points on her own last night, and had another 2 aces. PROUD papa.. I'll be there with my colors on tonight.. wish I could take DS and DSD with me.. they've always been big supporters of their big sister.

DS seemed sad last night on the phone.. was almost 8:00 and he still hadn't eaten dinner.. and mommy was making him Spaghetti-o's... yum.. ugh.. this woman who always insisted on 'eating healthy' is chucking a can into a bowl and microwaving dinner for my boy.. UGH!!!! And that's when she doesn't take him to his new favorite place to go eat 'Burger King'..... used to be the Thai restaraunt where he'd have chicken/rice soup and eggrolls.. now it's burgers and fries... UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry.. a little frustration release there..

I cleaned a few things out of the pantry this morning that were starting to go bad.. just haven't had much use to cook a lot with just me and DD hanging out most nights.. I -miss- cooking big meals for the family.. the last few days would have been -great- to grill out and make some grilled chicken parmesan.. or do up some of my garlic/onion ribeyes.. or some BBQ pork chops... Heh.. seemed like a burden some days to cook dinner.. but I realize what a blessing it is to know in your heart that you are providing your family with the nourishment that they need to survive.

I think that's what hurts in all of this.. I was the provider for the family.. while my wife worked in the course of the last year of our M, I still had the lions share of the domestic and financial responsibilities.. and yet -she- says that she felt I didn't put her first... well, in all honesty I didn't.. I put my family first.. she was part of that.. just too selfish to share, even with her kids.

Ahhh well.. no more ranting for now.. need to get my head down and get back to work.

Well.. today is the City Tournament final for DD's middle school V-Ball team like I said in the previous post.

MeAndMyBoyDay however is supposed to be pretty nice.. so I figure we'll meet up with DD and grandma for dinner as has become our Wednesday tradition.. then while DD is off to swim practice I think DS and I will go to the go-cart track and take a few laps together. Something he and I didn't really do before all this.. but we've been a few times and he -LOVES- it.. he loves racing and football as I think I've mentioned..

So we'll take a few turns on the 'adult' course in one of the tandem cars.. and then off to the park (another MeAndMyBoyDay tradition)... and I've been DVRing the monster truck shows on the Speed Channel for us to watch while we read his books and wait for the IQ to come pick him up.