Anyhow folks...

Still looking for input about the next week and a half or so that Wonderboy is going to be away.

Is there something I should be doing here? An opportunity to get my foot back in the door?

Or are crickets still the answer?

James,

I don't know for sure what to tell you about the potential 'window of opportunity' you have with wonderboy out of town. I have to get DD ready for gymnastics, but will try to come back and post later. I've been thinking about this all day trying to come up with an answer/opinion for you.

I see potential good and potential bad in all of the options before you.

Hate to leave you hanging, but I wanted you to know that I'm thinking,,,,,,,,,which can be dangerous at times!

Hahah.. it's ok Bugsmom.. I know that there's no definitive right or wrong answer here..

I can see the positives definitely for remaining silent.. give her plenty of time to 'think' without him warming her bed..

But then again.. it just feels like there's an opportunity to get a word in with her without him standing right there applying the pressure... course she's still mixed up with the family over there.. so I'm a little torn about what I -should- be doing...

I don't know the answer. I could argue it either way.

My inclination would be to stay silent. I think back to Jennifer telling me that 'if your wife comes back, it will be because of something the OM does--not something you do.'

One guy's opinion.

Hmm... and maybe running off for 2 weeks could be that 'thing' the OM does...

I just told you to make SCQ live with the consequences of her decision.. maybe I should take my own advice..

I sort of wonder though.. if this wonderful trusting loving relationship they have.. won't make her wonder just a little if he's not getting some strange out there wherever he's gone for 2 weeks.

Nah, let it go. Makes no difference. Not an opportunity. Be at peace. Watch a show that makes you laugh. Forget it. It's out of your hands. Don't get jerked around by that boy's comings and goings.

Ever hear the story of how Picasso negotiated? It was early in Picasso's career. A Frenchman asked him how much for that painting.

Two hundred francs, Picasso said.

The man offered one hundred.

Picasso said, "Oh. I didn't know we were negotiating. Four hundred francs."

Don't know why.

GC

GC.. you're probably right.. and as Guy Smiley said.. I'm peeking over the fence too much still.

Ahh.. all this uncertainty is driving me nuts.

It's probably my focus though.. all that I can be certain of is that I'm going to have a good time with my little guy tonight.

Can't wait until I get off work to go hang with him.

UPDATE though folks..> DD's Volleyball team won their game last night, which means that they are CITY CHAMPIONS!!! They're going to have a big party at the school tonight so DS and I will be joining her there after I pick him up from daycare. Should be fun.. still planning on at least hanging at the park and maybe taking a few laps at the go-cart track.. but it may be abbreviated this evening.. but for a great reason.

Oddly I don't find myself missing my wife so much the last couple of days.. it's really the kids not being here.. especially DSD.. that gnaws at me. I love my kids.. and I still love my wife.. but I think I'm really honestly letting her go..

I'm starting to really wonder whether or not I will want her back if/when she comes to her senses.. Is she worth the long hard road of recovery? Is she capable of putting forth the effort required on her part to actually succeed? I really don't know the answers to those questions right now.

Well... I guess we'll find out, won't we?

James,

Although I am still a bit torn on the absence of wonderboy, I think GC and Guy are right. Leave it alone. Just my opinion, but it is likely that they will each be wondering about the other while he is away. It's not like either of them is trustworthy!

It will do 1 of 3 things that I can think of. 1. Make them realize that neither is trustworthy OR 2. they will 'cling' to each other tightly in the name of 'love' and further fuel the A (sorry) or 3. they will cling so tightly that they will choke each other!

None of those scenarios are anything YOU need to be involved in at this point in time. Any awesome Plan A activities by you would likely be seen as an "attack" on the A and would have little to no value long term and the risk to injury to yourself is just too great.

Tell DD congrats on the VB win! That is fantastic! Have fun in the celebration tonight!

I'm going out of town until Friday on business, so won't be posting. I will lurk around reading on the Blackberry.

Take care.

Thanks Bugsmom... I think you guys are absolutely right.

WW's mind has always been a bit active.. and certainly if she knows deep down what she's doing is -wrong- and has had any indications like I have that she's just a piece of tail to him.. then I'll -hope- for option 1 there...

But I somehow doubt it.. we'll see how it works out, but I honestly believe that this will be her first opportunity since she's left me to actually sit down and think about 'us' without having him as the intimate sounding board.

She always told me how she lies in bed at night going over her day.. thinking about tomorrow etc.. takes her 45 minutes or so to get to sleep because she has such an active mind... I wonder.. does she think about me? Does anything hit her in the dark of night? She's never been a particularly 'intimate' creature except when we first started dating.. her -needs- tend to lie in other places.. places I -know- he can't meet the way I did..

Now she needs affection and admiration.. probably her top 2 needs.. and ones I certainly wasn't providing.. ones I'm sure he is, in abundance.. but it's awfully hard to do either of those really while you're away.

Conversation she's identified in the past as an important need.. I'm sure he's fulfilling that one too.. we used to be so good at that.. I can't put my finger on exactly what happened.. but I suppose her conversation just stopped being interesting to me anymore... probably a result of many of my important needs not being met.

Ok.. can y'all tell I've been reading His Needs Her Needs?..

Anyhow.. gonna miss your daily words of wisdom Bugsmom, but you have a good time away on business. Do something nice for yourself while you're out of town!

James,

While it's good that you are working on you, reading HN/HN is great, but don't let it bring you to the point of thinking about her too much to where it hurts you.

If you can read, learn, and then store it away for her eventual return, that is GREAT!

Just beware of this kind of thinking too much


That stuff can do you well in Plan A, but if you are trying to remain Dark, it can cause a lot of pain.

Well.. I suppose I'm just trying to be honest here about my thought process.

I don't dwell on these things, but it was just things I was wondering about as I typed my response.

I know my wife pretty well.. she's always read a little too much into just about everything.. every percieved slight.. every harsh word.. and just digs at it until it's a festering problem out of something that was really nothing to begin with.

I'm not playing down that there were problems in our M.. or that I wasn't responsible for my half of things getting to a point where she started looking elsewhere for companionship and support that she used to get from me.. but I'm not dwelling on the A so much anymore in my everyday thoughts.

I'm honestly thinking more about my personal relationship with God these days.. been helping a few other people out on other threads with how it has been a great comfort in this time.. and I think -that- is helping too.

I'm no expert and don't claim to be.. but I know what's working for me.. at least in the being able to get to sleep at night and function as a real adult during the day.

Well.. the transfer last night went pretty good. I felt strong afterwards and all through it.

Made no attempt to have DS ready to go when the doorbell rang.. she stood outside looking cold so I told her she could come inside if she wanted. She said something about there being hot food in the car and that she didn't have time to chat. I shrugged and went about getting the boy ready to go.

He held up a little cross I had bought for DSD at the historical recreation last Sunday.. and said "Mommy, look at the necklace daddy got for sissy!" I smiled to him and told him to put it back in his pocket and to not forget to give that to his sister for me. "Ok daddy.. Mommy are you cold? You look cold." he said as he peered over my shoulder.

I slipped his jacket on and got a -huge- hug from my little man. I gave him a kiss and he smiled at me. I said, "See you on Friday little man.." "Ok daddy.. I love you." "I love you too buddy.. now go on, mommy's in a hurry."

Had printed off a checklist for the Cars collection she mentioned last week and gave it to her saying "Didn't know if you had one of these.." She said she did, so I kept it held out "Ok.. then check off the ones you have for him, and if you want me to help with the collection, just send it back with him on Friday." She hesitated.. looked at me for a moment (did I mention I looked and smelled -really- good yesterday?) and then took it and got into the passenger side of her co-worker's SUV.

I walked in the house with a wave.. caught her looking at me as I went inside..

Another week and a half without him there with her.. and I'm starting to hit my stride on this modified Plan B thing.

I feel really good.. maybe I'm overextending the 'be cordial and nice to her when you have to interact'.. but I decided to risk a little more than usual with him out of town... I don't think I did anything damaging to my modified Plan B.. but I -do- think it left an impression.

I'm not going to dwell on it though.. I'm moving on with me in all but fidelity right now.. if she comes back it's going to have to be on her own.. God's going to have to show her the way.

I'm doing well today guys.. I think I'm finally 'getting there'.

Thoughts, opinions, 2X4's... am I not following the rules the way I should?

James,

No 2 x 4 from me today. You wanted very much to give her a glimpse of what she is missing & so you did. No harm, no foul there as far as I can tell. I didn't think you were in a solid Plan B anyway, so it's not a huge thing.

I'd just be extra cautious right now. She may be thinking that she's going to be getting her way - in that you are going to be a cooperative nice guy in the whole D and co-parenting situation.

Personally, as you know, giving those minor shows of strength, can give you a boost. It sounds like it did in your case. Ride that wave of good feelings for all it's worth. Sometimes it's more than enough to take you onto the next good wave ( or even further)

Cowabunga Dude!

Well.. sometimes the problem is, when you're hanging ten you forget to keep your eyes on the wave in front of you.

I got an email from FIL last night.. very discouraging in nature. I don't know if it means he talked to her or not, but it seems to be the general consensus of her dad that she's never been the type to accept responsibility for bad decisions and she's not liable to start.

One thing he did say though, was the whole 'what comes around goes around' comment.. and that while I was hurting now, he sees in the not so distant future that the 'shoe will be on the other foot'... not that it's any consolation to me.. As much as I deeply resent my wife right now for what she's doing to this family.. I don't want to see her hurting. I just know that I cannot protect her from the hurt that is to come.. she's withdrawn herself from my protection.

I worry for my kids though.. they deserve so much better than this.

James,

I am very much a believer in that a person reaps what they sow. It just takes longer for some than others to come to the harvest. The, what they do with it is up to them.

You are right in that you can not protect IQ. Like I was telling SD, the WS most often has to hit rock bottom and then decide who they want to emerge from the pit as - W or WW. It's up the THEM.

Yes, the kids are the #1 worry. Yes, they DO deserve better. But guess what? As long as you stay focused on giving them YOUR best, they will be ok. That is all you can control, so just stay focused there.

{{James}}

I'm trying to keep my focus.

As much as I try not to think about it, the whole notion that there's a week with him being gone.. it -feels- like opportunity is slipping through my fingers.

No.. I'm not in a solid Plan B.. though I am trying to stay within the confines of the modified Plan B. I feel like I have to be a cooperative co-parent, mainly because I'm not the one driving this runaway train.. she is.. and even if I have to sacrifice my marriage.. I don't want to sacrifice a moment I have with my son.

These kids are my achilles heel.. and she knows it. I just wish I could believe that they mean more to her than a meal ticket.. a means to finance a life away from me that she knows she cannot provide for herself.

I don't care so much about the money.. yeah, the child support will hurt, and it'll require a lot of changes to my living situation.. but I can deal with that part of it. What I can't cope with just now is that my son is calling Wonderboy's stepdad Pawpaw Chuck.. it's infuriating that she's encouraging these kids to grow attached to this family when everyone here knows that this relationship is doomed to failure. I don't see how it can't be.. she hasn't -learned- anything.. she hasn't grown.. she's still depending on -other people- to give her happiness.. she can't stand on her own or she would have by now... she wouldn't need his mommy to drive her -every time- to pick up her son from her STBXH's house.. she wouldn't need for them to provide her a place to live.. she wouldn't need for them to put food on the table.. gah..

SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!

I'm growing more and more resentful every day, and it's not good for me. I can't seem to completely isolate myself or convince myself not to peek over the fence. It's like watching a train wreck.. it's horrifying.. it sickens me.. but yet I cannot seem to look away.

I'm stronger in my dealings with her.. I've grown stronger in being able to -not- reach out to her.. I've grown stronger in being able to turn most of this burden over to God.. but I still concern myself with it entirely too much. I'm not sure how to gain the strength to turn away from it completely.. especially when I have to deal with her on the exchanges... and apparently according to the parenting guidelines in Indiana.. I'm supposed to be there for those exchanges.

Heh... you know, one of the ways I've been looking for signs from God is the song that is on the local radio station I have the alarm clock tuned to.

Looked up the lyrics to the song on there this morning.

John Mellencamp: Your Life Is Now

See the moon roll across the stars
See the seasons turn like a heart
Your father's days are lost to you
This is your time here to do what you will do

Your life is now your life is now your life is now
In this undiscovered moment
Lift your head up above the crowd
We could shake this world
If you would only show us how
Your life is now


Would you teach your children to tell the truth
Would you take the high road if you could choose
Do you believe you're a victim of a great compromise
'Cause I believe you could change your mind and change our lives

(repeat chorus)

Would you teach your children to tell the truth
This is your time here to do what you will do

And you are conceding custody of your kids for what reason? You say that YOU are going to pay CS while she ho's around with a losing POS and has your kids call him cute names or call his parents cute names?

WHY? Get an attorney and file for D with sole custody of the children asking for CS to be paid by her. Give her a WAKE UP CALL TO REAL LIFE!!!

Nononono... I'm not conceeding -anything-... I'm simply talking a worst case...

BELIEVE ME.. I'm fighting the custody thing to the teeth.

I'm going to be relentless.. if I don't get the temporary custody.. I'm going to fight again at the end.. if I don't get it at the end.. I'm going to appeal... if I don't get it on appeal I'll appeal until I do, or I can't appeal anymore..

NO WAY am I giving up the fight for my son.

I'm just saying.. it's not about the money. Well.. for me at least.. to her our son is just a meal ticket. If he was anything more she would make every effort to do what it takes to spend 100% of the time with him.. not give up every Wednesday and every other weekend..

She's already proven that she doesn't want him all the time by filing for divorce under shaky grounds just so she can have her fling... feh.. I'll take every moment I can get with my son.. I -want- him 100% of the time..

Ahem... clear enough?

James,

Have a great weekend!