Thanks for the well wishes Bugsmom.

I really did have a great weekend with DD and DS, we went to DD's last softball game of the season on Saturday, and watched her win the championship there too. She's been very fortunate to be part of two really good teams this season, Volleyball and Softball. Now we're on to swim season in a month or so and who knows what else she's going to want to get into.

After the game DS, DD and I went to a pioneer village in Indianapolis and took a hayride featuring the Headless Horseman and took in some pioneer games and storytelling. It was a really cool experience. Sunday after Mass we packed up and went to Indy to the Children's Museum to go through their haunted hotel. That was pretty cool, so the kids had quite the Halloween experience this weekend.

I suppose I had quite the horrifying experience as well.. the one thing that could transpire at this point to stick the fork in my efforts at reconciliation has apparently happened. She has no idea that I know... and I'm not entirely sure what I'm going to do with the information until I talk to my lawyer about how I came into it. Eventually I'll send a token congratulations to the Ice Queen and Wonderboy.. and a sympathy card to the soon to be grandparents.. I warned them this may happen.. For my part though, I am almost relieved.. I can't say I was looking forward to the long painful road to recovery.. but I would have done it for my wife and family. I love them, even still.. that much.

I can deal with a lot of things, heck, I was even prepared to suffer the duration of this affair and recovery for the benefit of my family.. but I know in my heart that while I could forgive and move past the infidelity.. I could not live with a daily reminder of it. My boundary was NC... and that can never be possible now..

I'll recover me at this point, of that I'm certain.. focus all of my love and energy on my children. I will mourn for the woman I love.. the woman I honestly though that she was. I regret that I was so wrong, and judged her character so poorly for all these years.. I will mourn for DSD, such a sweet and wonderful little girl.. she deserves so much better, and I'm sure that God will watch over his precious angel.. I only hope one day she looks back and remembers me, and the love that I have for her with fondness instead of the lies her mother will no doubt spoonfeed her for the rest of her life.

I guess that means I've failed guys.. that my story is not going to be one of those wonderful MB success stories. My marriage is in ruin.. and the great appraiser says that it's a total loss. I had been praying hard for several weeks now for an indication from God on a way to go. I would have sworn to you on Saturday that all indications I got were to wait.. Sunday morning before Mass I got a more direct answer... reinforced by the message of the Mass that God does answer all prayer.. not always though in the way that we would like... which is fair, I suppose as we aren't the ones with the plan. I resign myself to His will, and pray for the benefit and best outcome for my son in this.. I pray for the protection of God's comfort for DSD.. and for Him to ease the burden on DD's heart for this. I am thankful though that the daily anguish of wanting her back can now begin to fade with the knowledge that even the attempt now would be too heavy a cross for me to bear.. I can set down my burden and truly let God have it all.

I'll continue to stick around and check up on people when I can.. I want to thank everyone who has contributed to my thread. You're wonderful people, heroes in your own right.. and have shown me that I have a strength and depth of love within me that before now I barely thought possible. I will emerge from this a stronger person, more centered in my own way, and with any luck will work the best deal I can for my son to have the best life I can give him, and build a good, strong moral foundation in myself for him to model his own after. I will lead him by example in all things.. and love him without end. I will be tireless in my fight for what is right, good, and best for my son... that will be my story.. my legacy to him.. and while you guys won't have all the details out of necessity should she figure out I'm posting here.. I will keep those who are interested up to date. I've posted my email before on this thread [email]James@bornunderburden.com..[/email] I'm sure I can be more open that way.

In the words of my wife to DSD's grandmother 'right now.. I'm done'.

{{{{James}}}}


I am so very sorry to hear the news.



But, this is SO NOT TRUE


No one who has failed would say this,,,,



James, you really do have it VERY together for someone in your sitch,,, and have pretty much all along. YOU will see that for yourself later.

Stick around here,,,no matter the outcome of your M, we all (as you have read) can continue to benefit from this wonderful place.

{{{HUGS}}}

I am sure sorry to hear that. There is forgivness after a child from an affair. I have accepted my H's daughter and we are currently trying to get custody of her. You can recover from this. You have to decide what is best for you. Try not to dwell on it too much, your son is your goal. Prayers are still with you.

(((James))) I'm so sorry about your news and understand how this could be the ultimate test. I don't know what I would do if I were in your shoes but I know that others have recovered in a similar situation.

Please don't leave now. Even in the midst of your great pain you have managed to minister to others.

James, IMHO, it is time to move on. Fight for custody of your son...but, move on. This dirt bag and his family will always be a part of your life if you decide to stay with this woman.

Oh I'll still be around from time to time.. won't be lurking quite as often as before though. Right now honestly it's hard to look at other threads and see myself in those situations.. I'm pretty well beside myself still at this news. How could she possibly be.. well.. not who I thought she was. If it is true, it was deliberately done.. active measures would have had to have been taken by her in order to concieve in the first place. I'm betting she never even said a word to him about it either.. letting him think it was all good... same thing she did to me.. I bought the 'accident' line.. but it wasn't.

Another sucker stamp for someone elses forehead. I hope for his sake he wises up faster than I did.. he'll be on the hook for support, but he'll get out of it with whatever dignity a piece of slime like him can have if he finds his shoes fleeing quickly now.

She emailed today with the whole 'I wish you wouldn't say negative things about me in front of DS' schtick. She's trying to document crap I know.. he apparently told her that I had said she was a 'bad person' at breakfast. The only mention of 'bad person' at breakfast was -him- asking me if she was a bad person.. I told him quite simply that sometimes people make bad choices, but that doesn't make them bad people. It was a little more involved than that, so I responded.. I'm not too worried about Plan B'ing or anything else right now.

Still staying away from Plan FU.. though it's -awful- tempting. Not about to put anything like that in writing though.. or email.. etc... Just going to focus on being a good dad, and fight for my son at this point. Told her if she wants to document and posture herself to send messages to my lawyer.. I didn't want to deal with her anymore unless it was an emergency, the kids needed something, or to arrange pick up and dropoffs for DS... otherwise, I'm not engaging in any more blatherings.

Kinda liberating actually.. though I wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

WOW, James, I'm so sorry.

My husband's ex wife got pregnant by OM before their divorce was final. It was extremely hard for him.

I pray for peace for you.

You mentioned DSD- let me tell you a cute story.
When my parents divorced my mom met this guy and he moved in with us and they lived together for a while without being married. He helped raise me and doted on me. He was like a stepfather to me.

Over the years we have kept in light touch. I called him recently and invited him to my son's ballgame so he could meet my children. He said that he'd always considered me part of his family and that he didn't want us to lose touch. He's older now- has no grandchildren- and is probably a little lonely. I have no family here to speak of and a not so great relationship with my dad who lives in another state. I hope that for many years we can continue our friendship- because I loved him when I was a little girl and he loved me.

Don't give up on DSD. One day she will realize that you really loved her.

Jamesus

I have not posted to you before but have read your thread with interest. I have been amazed at your willingness to hang in there and your depth of love for your children and WW.

I am sorry to hear your news. I can't say I would handle the situation any differently, but know that God is with you and if you are open to His will, He will lead you down the path of victory.

And PrincessMeggy is right--don't leave. You have been a source of inspiration and support to others here.

Smartiepants

James

Glad to hear you are fighting for custody of son...What about daughter, 12? I know she has a say in where she would like to live but it's just one component and may not be what is best for her. I would think fighting for them both would be better for your case? I unfortunately understand all to well the DSD, 8 deal as I have to deal with trying to see my DSD, 11 who I raised from the age of 2. It's working well, but it wasnt' that way right after court. She has been here the last two weekends in fact. Lastly I have sole custody of our 2 1/2 year old son (at the time of trial 18 months) so it can be done and from what I can tell my ex WW isn't nearly as bad on paper as what your's has done and said. Go for it! Don't wonder what else you could have done to protect those kid(s)!

I guess that means I've failed guys.

Yeah, right.

Three babies, three fathers. No accident.

I remember what it felt like when I heard my ex was pregnant (within weeks of our divorce being done). I'm very sorry. That is a serious hurt.

Do something generous for DSD, keep it secret, and keep it safe.

GC

Thanks for the support everyone, I really appreciate it.

I don't have much to add at this point.. but wanted to say thank you.

Hopeandpray.. just fyi, DD12 is going to be just fine, she's with me and WW can't touch her. Don't think she wants to either.. she hasn't said a word to her in 2 months.. not even a hello.. and never said a word to her about leaving.. and don't you worry.. I will move heaven and earth to get my son where he belongs, and where he is safe from this abusive relationship with his mother.

The length and color of the adjectives I could use to describe her right now don't translate well to printed form.. but if there's a name in the book I've probably thought of it.. and made a few footnotes.

I don't think I've ever actually honestly hated anyone in my life.. until now.

I don't know that I'm a good example to anyone here right now with all of the negativity I'm carrying. I honestly didn't do very well with either plan.. not that it had much of a time to work.. but MEDC and I are finally in agreement.. it's done. I'm done. She's pushed and pushed me to the limit.

I hope you're right Coachswife.. I really do.. DSD is -very- special to me.. and I love her more than I have words to describe.. unfortunately I am not optimistic about my chances to ever see her again... Greycloud.. I'll try and figure something to do for her.. not sure what that will be just yet.. but I've sent little things home with DS for her.. I doubt she's getting them though.

Why... I still ask my self those why questions that don't have any answers other than... that selfish B*TCH.. why.. how could I have been so blind? Well.. that's an easy answer, I actually was fool enough to truly love her... why... God only knows.. I honestly couldn't tell you at this point..

For those who will come after:
Piece of advice I should have listened to better myself that I give for my soon to be married friends: Take the one thing that annoys you the most about your future spouse.. probably take you all of a half second to figure out what that is... well, realize you'll never be able to change that. If you're cool with that.. get married.

What was mine? She's completely unmotivated.

I thought I could live with that.. I should have known better.


Also.. for those that come after. Follow the plans, to the letter. I didn't.. look what I got. Now granted, my WW is particularly... well, the personification of evil.. and yours is probably not too far off in your mind.. but don't be me. Please DON'T BE ME... I wouldn't wish my sitch on -anyone- ever..

It's gonna be easy to Plan B now.. it's not a real Plan B either.. because I don't want to save my M anymore. I just need to stop the bleeding.

Sorry, James.

I understand the rage, the hurt, the disappointment. She's the one that failed, of course. I agree that it's time to be done.

Hang in there, man. It will get better.

Others have been through such a thing and still managed NC. The odds aren't large, though.


As are we.

-ol' 2long

I can't think of a more monstrous use of other people 2 get what one thinks they want. What a horrifyingly-depressing world view that must require.


Even if he never wises up, what happens when she tires of him? Even2ally, she'll be 2 old 2 trap someone else via this "method" of hers.

Also, I would hope that such types learn their lessons even2ally, rather than perpe2ating these bad behaviors.


Well, maybe not responding would STILL be in order, considering. Let her get clarification from your lawyer, or hers. Because as you know, she'll use whatever you say against you, even if we know it's absurd.


Correct!

-ol' 2long

Thanks again for the support guys.

I can't believe I'm still on this rollercoaster.. I just want off.. I want this to be done and to be free of her.

I just want my son home where he belongs in an environment where he doesn't have to be confused about who is important in his life.. who 'daddy' is and what that means.. who his grandparents are..

The people she's attaching him to are completely morally bankrupt.. normally it might not be a completely bad thing for a kid to have a bunch of people around him who actually care.. but these people don't really care about anything.. If they did, I don't see them enabling an affair under their own roof, and in front of their young children.. much less mine..

This is such a fukt up situation.. straight up Jerry Springer type crap.. I never in a million years pictured myself involved in something like this. Hopefully my lawyer calls back today.. I've got to get some momentum behind this thing.

{{{James}}}

Just wanted to let you know I"m thinking of you.

Let the lawyers take it from here. You told her how to communicate with you,,,,through them. Stick to that.

{{{James}}}

Thanks... ((((Bugs))))

You're absolutely right.. and I'm just going to stay away.

My son is all that is left of us now. My son.. she doesn't deserve him.. he's such a wonderful, beautiful, smart, witty, clever little boy.. his simple wisdom.. quick smile.. gives the best hugs in the world.. still fits perfectly in the hook of my arm when he's sitting on my lap.. his size 2T butt trying to hold up size 3T pants because he's fighting the floods in a smaller size... 3T-4T shirts and jackets.. fighting hard not to give up his pullups.. very vocal about his wants and desires.. wants me to 'save' him (in his language means keep him for the night).. but when he says that I hear that he -needs- me to really save him from this mess..

I pray to God to break my wife now.. not out of anger or vindictiveness.. but if she is knocked up.. another child to suffer her abuse.. her selfishness.. her complete lack of character and morals.. I pray for her.. I pray for the unborn child she carries.. what kind of life in front of him.. a selfish mom, and a worthless kid dad.. and a morally bankrupt family around him.. what kind of future does he or she have?.. My DSD.. the ways I imagine that little girl's heart is twisted into knots.. all because of the selfish, stupid choices of her mother.. she doesn't deserve such great kids.. and these kids deserve much better than this life she's going to provide them with.

God have mercy on us all.

James - I don't know if this is much comfort right now, but just let it go. She doesn't deserve you and you are right...she doesn't deserve those kids. If I had once question for God, it would be why are these people allowed to have children? A couple who are friends of my parents are good people. Good jobs, God fearing, and come from a wonderful family. They can't have children. Why? Why can trash like these people have kids and this couple can't? I don't understand this.

I am very proud of the way you are handling this. Your son is so lucky to have a father like you. Your daughter also of course. I wouldn't worry about DSD, she will remember your love for her. She will see her mother for what she is all too soon. Very sad. Do you think God ever regrets promising not to flood the world again? Expect I am sure he would find more than one righteous man this time.

I will continue to pray for you and for your family. Please keep us informed of the battle for your son. How it is going and all.

I would strongly recommend you check in here often. Even though my H and I are in recovery, I am here several times a day. It does my heart good to see the new people on here getting the help they need. It somehow repairs some of the damage to my soul to know that so much good can come out of something so evil.

After you get custody of your son (and I am praying that you will), you will continue to need the guidance of the parents who are in the same situation. Never let go of a good support system. I will probably be on here till they shut it down or I die..whichever comes first! It is my daily dose of sanity and my constant reminder that I have made the right choice. We are all still here for you because I think you still have a few tough battle ahead of you.

GuidedCertainty.. thanks for sticking with me.

I'm taking things one day at a time. Seems like things are different every day, and yeah, coming here helps because it lets me get a lot of these thoughts that are bouncing around my head out.. makes them easier to let go of.

Oddly, as angry as I am, I feel that God is still challenging me to love. I do love her.. and while I cannot conceptualize ever having her back.. cannot even begin to think about raising his child.. I know that I still love what was my family.

I am letting her go though, and this may have been what it took to do that. I know that either way, whether this little info I ran across was placed there to mislead me or not.. and I have a hard time finding any motive for it not to be true.. it is the key I needed to turn the lock and allow me to completely disengage.

It'll certainly be the darkest plan B on record from this point on.. only exception will be having to deal with her about DS. I'm going to filter everything through my lawyer at this point. I have to remove myself from engagements with her for my own well being at this point. Because I still care so deeply for her, she still has the power to hurt me...

I've found strength in these past two months.. found hope in myself to continue to be the father I need to be for my son and daughter. I will recover from this.. I've picked myself up off the ground once, and what may be the death blow to my marriage is now just a flesh wound to me. It hurts, but the pain is not intolerable.. I was anticipating it, regardless of how suprised and beside myself I am..

I will go on.. I will fight that much harder for my son. I will keep everyone updated with what I'm able to tell you without risking too much on my case should she find this place.

Hopefully a talk with my lawyer will get me set on a better course.. figuring out how best to play this card, or if we should play it at all.

I've got open enrollment for my insurance this month.. I could remove her and DSD at this point and be ok.. going to talk to my lawyer about that too.. Not sure what to do about that.. but at the same time I don't want to be on the hook for whatever my insurance doesn't cover for her current condition (if it's true at all)..

My anger is subsiding, and clearer thoughts are prevailing. Uncertainty abounds.. but I'm not peeking over the fence anymore.. not for now at least. I may need to continue to snoop to better position myself in the coming weeks, but there's no honesty from her at this point.. everything is suspect.

Trying not to dwell on it, but it's good to get these thoughts out here.. I know that the OC isn't at fault for this.. I know this is IQ's doing.. malicious and deceptive behavior being typical of the WS I know.. but as low as I thought she could possibly sink, my wife never ceases to amaze me.

Oh James, I just read. I am so sorry. I'm not sorry for you though, I'm sorry for the kids. Every child deserves and has a right to have a great mom.

For you though James, I am happy for you. Now you can move on and fulfill your destiny, and your purpose. You are going to meet an incredible, loving, fun woman who adores you, who inspires you and who makes getting up in the morning an absolute joy, every single day of the year. Amd a woman who can do what needs to be done for the children. In judging a woman, watch how she conducts her life, especially if she is already a mother. This should tell you quite a bit about her. (not right away though, I mean in the future after you have had a chance to grieve and heal).

You will be a father that raises kings and queens (I'm being over the top here, but you get my drift)...you are capable of having a great life and showing your children lifes' greatness.



There will be no time where incredible growth and creativity are possible as are now. As in the pheonix rising up from the ashes.

You're a great guy James, as is shown in your writings here, so next time around, choose wisely. That's what I did, and it has made all the difference.