I could speculate, but I'd probably get hit.. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


The kids and I had a -great- day... followed by a little laugh I got via email.. I thought I'd share these humorous but unfortunately all too common (mis)definitions of legal terms in situations like mine:

Father: Mom's current boyfriend.

Dad: See Definition of "Father"

Best Interests of the Child: What Mom & her new boyfriend want today

Child Support: See "Visitation"

Visitation: See "Child Support"

Alcoholic: The spouse of an alcoholic

Druggie: The spouse of a "druggie

Domestic Violence: The accusation that Mom will make against Dad shortly after she shoots him, steals the car, bulldozes his half of the house, steals the credit cards, drains the checking and savings accounts, has the dog put to sleep, drowns the gerbils, kidnaps the kids and moves in with her 400 pound Samoan boyfriend.

Family Court: Where Mom's attorney goes to make Phoney allegations against Dad in violation of his professional responsibilities (and then sends Dad the bill). See also "Wheel of Fortune"

Trial by Combat or Ordeal: A primitive form of adjudication used in early times. [See Family Court]

Trial by Wager of Law: A primitive form of adjudication used in early times. [See Family Court]

Trial by Affidavit: A procedure under which the court gags the Parties and all witnesses with relevant knowledge and then permits attorneys to testify falsely and in violation of their professional duties as to matters not contained in the affidavits. [See Family Court, Ex Parte, Show Cause and Commissioner.

Child Abuse: Visitation by Dad.

Sexual Abuse: Baths and diaper changes when conducted by Dad.

Joint Custody: Every other weekend and 6 weeks in the Summer.

Ex Parte: See Family Court

Insanity: See Ex Parte, Show Cause, & Family Court

Attorney Rules of Professional Conduct: [Reserved]

Commissioner/Magistrate: Like a judge, only different

Pro Tem Commissioner: See Commissioner/Magistrate

Natural Custodial Parent: A woman working eighty hours a week at High price law firm, who can afford a Divorce attorney and day care.

Due Process of Law: [Reserved]

Cross Examination: A right available in small claims court but not in family court.

Live Testimony: A right available in small claims court but not in family court.

Appointed Counsel: A right available for DUI, but not for false allegations of Mom and her new boyfriend that you sexually molested [their] your grown children.

Transcript: A written record of doubtful value preserved in civil and criminal matters, but not in family court where custody and visitation are interrupted and Dads are separated from their kids.

Kidnapping: See "Visitation by Dad"

Tender Years Doctrine: Under this doctrine, Mom and her attorney are permitted to behave as if they were still of tender years.

Supervised Visitation: After Mom leaves, Dad hires someone to watch him watch the baby.

Harassment: When Dad calls Mom on the phone to arrange a pickup time.

Show Cause: A procedure where Dad and his attorney Appear, but are not allowed to answer False allegations by Mom and her latest boyfriend.

Attorneys Fees: Large sums of money awarded to Mom's attorney. See "terms" and "criminal contempt fines."

Terms: See Attorneys Fees.

Criminal Contempt Fines: See Attorneys Fees

Pro Bono: Legal services performed by Dad's Attorney

Dike or Dyke: An earthen structure located in the Netherlands.

Contempt: The only reasonable reaction to all the above

Well, yesterday went pretty good, went to Mass in the AM, made breakfast at moms place, and then brought the kids home to decorate the house for Christmas.

Oy did we all have fun.. and the kids did a -GREAT- job on the tree.. I put the tree together, strung the lights and then let them have at it.. the tree looks -fabulous-.

I hung all of the family stockings, including WW's on the stairway (visible from the front door).. Don't know about her, but I'm still married.. my wife's stocking belongs right next to mine, DS's, DD's, and DSD's.. WW can have her own stocking over at He11House.

The tree is right in front of the big window in the living room, and I decorated the outside of the house while the kids were hanging ornaments.. from the street it looks beautiful and happy. I placed electric light sensitive candles in the windows for the children.. I wonder if the symbolism will be lost on WW..

About an hour and a half before WW was supposed to come get DS I had a suprise visitor.. FIL!!! It was -so- good to see Dad. Apparently he's finally met Wonderboy, but felt ambushed about it because WW didn't tell Dad she was bringing him.. and then on top of that brought the kids, so Dad didn't get to 'talk' with them the way he wanted to due to having grandkids crawling all over him.

I think more than anything he's mad because he was lied to about whether or not there was another person involved when she left me.. she -vehemently- denied it to him and actually went off on him the weekend she left me for asking.. did the same to SIL.. Dad and SIL are very unhappy about the lie... but even more, they are upset about how DSD is being handled.. and Dad at least intends to address it... We talked for about 45 minutes and when I expressed concern about whether or not DSD would get the souvineer I picked up for her from the High School Musical On Ice show.. he took it out of my hand, looked me in the eye and said "DSD would -love- this.. it's perfect for her, and I know she'd treasure it especially that it came from you. I -promise- you she'll get it, and she'll know it's from you."

Thank God for my FIL..

He actually tried swinging by the place she's staying.. which says a lot about how angry he is.. but she wasn't there, or he didn't find it.. and he too noted that there was still a for sale sign out in front of the house she says she's buying.. he doesn't think she's fully gotten the financing together on it.

ALSO.. he gave her a Boston Terrier to take home when she and Wonderboy visited him.. a male, non-neutered Boston Terrier to play with CoWorker's female huskies in heat... Dad looked kinda smug when he told me that.. WW apparently asked him to wait until she moved, and he forced her to take him right then... LOL.

The exchange went pretty uneventfully.. no anger or venom spewing forth from the Ice Queen.. maybe she's starting to thaw towards me.. Maybe some more kindness and consistency of goodness will help to allow me to at least un-suspend my LB account with her and start making deposits.. however small.

Not worrying about that right now though.. I have a BEAUTIFUL home, all decked out for Christmas.. it's the first week of Advent and the season of miracles. God is with me, and I spent a wonderful weekend with my son and daughter. I have -so- much to be thankful for.. and know that God is with me, regardless of the circumstances. He is my strength, He is -my- lighthouse.. helping me to be a lighthouse for the woman I promised to stand beside for better or worse, in good times and bad. He is at work in her life.. and mine.. and our childrens.. all will work out according to His will.. for none can thwart His design.

Oh, I so wish you would have asked it.

Plan A doesn't mean you can't use a really good sense of humor on the OP every chance you get. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I bet he'd have gone off on a rant against you that lasted the entire evening, hehe. And she would've been so sick of hearing it, it would have ended up one big long love busting night on the town. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

He's got to have some major defense built up over still living at his moma and poppa's, along with his kids, her kids, your kids... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

What the ****** kind of parents would enable that living situation. Mind blowing.

I will get to mass soon enough myself but good for you to go.

The kids are what is of primary importance. While their wayward mom isn't taking responsibility you are and that makes you a great human being. Taking care of children is a massive responsibility.

Glad to hear it about your FIL. At least you know he's not condoing this crapola.

Continue to stay strong and be a great leader for those of us who may feel weak.

Trying my best to stay strong..

Hehe, JJ I'd have loved to have said it.. but I kept my cool, I think in the long run it's probably the better plan just to be the shining example of goodness.

Infodude.. you're stronger than you think brother. God can help if you let Him.. and yeah, FIL coming by was a very unexpected suprise, but he's standing by us and I can hardly express how grateful I am for his support..

You're helping me keep a float. You too keep up the good work. It takes enormous strength to continue on like you have. I pray for you, your family and your wayward wife every day.

It's good to have everyone coming to your side and standing up against the affair

Thanks Infodude.. I really do appreciate the support.. and honestly I'm not expecting miracles from the in-laws. Honestly I have no expectations whatsoever at this point. Keeping expectations low is good for me right now.. especially when it comes to how things might affect this situation.

Dad plans to talk to her.. I hope he does. I've heard it before and it didn't happen though.. but this time he's upset for his own reasons, so I don't think she'll be able to avoid the wrath of Dad indefinitely... we'll see though.

Her attempt to legitimize her relationship with him by bringing him over to her dad's house didn't have much success though.. but then again, blood is thicker than water.. I'm sure he won't burn too many bridges to get his point across.. and she -needs- a sledgehammer to get her head back on straight. We'll see.. dad -can- be the tough love type.. I'm hoping God works through him.. .he knows I'm still here for his daughter, and I still love my family.

Dad's a good guy, and I love him.. I know, and I think my WW knows that he doesn't support this at all. She's starting to reach out again to her old support group though, which tells me that CoWorker, Wonderboy, and his family aren't enough for her indefintely.. so we'll see. Again, no expectations.. but there is hope on the horizon.

God keeps me on my feet man, and is the only ally I need.. I'm glad to have everyone here though and am thankful for all the help.. I'm glad to have the love and support of my in-laws.. even if they wonder whether or not her coming home is the best thing given the damage done to the marriage.. but it's like I told dad.. my promise was in good times and bad.. for better or worse.. and while it doesn't get much worse than this.. I'm still here, honoring my vows to her.. I love her.. and will be here when/if she comes to her senses.. I love my family and would do anything to protect them.

At least the inlaws are showing signs. It's good to have realisitc expectations though that way if you expect bothing and get nothing you're not disappointed.

Keep up your good work.

Ok.. well, I was wrong again.

Apparently all he11 has broken loose in the family. FIL called me just before I went into the Children Cope With Divorce class we were court ordered to attend, and said he had spoken with WW the night before regarding Wonderboy, DSD, and her choice to abandon her marriage.. FIL said the conversation did not go well. I didn't have time to go in depth with him before the class started, so I arranged with him to meet up at his place afterwards.

Apparently the major point of the call was DSD, and FIL insisting that he be able to talk to DSD one on one to make his own determination of the truth. This of course set off the alien brain and venom was forthcoming before she hung up on him. That was followed up by a flurry of emails between WW, SIL, and FIL.. culminating in, among other things that WW will not be attending the family Christmas this year, her calling her sister and dad judgemental, and of course pointing out all the flaws within them that made it so their opinion did not matter (riiight).. accusing them of taking -my- side and of course rampant blaming me having been hard on DSD for the reason that DSD no longer wants to have anything to do with me.

This, of course is not the same reason she gave 2 months ago.. but we all know how the 'reason changes to fit the season' with waywards.

FIL and SIL both blasted her pretty good in the emails for her lies, deceptions, behavior, and the way that the kids are being handled in all of this. It was actually a pretty amazing read.. and it definitely shows that WW is not coping well on her end with the situation.

I give thanks to God for my in-laws, for their convictions, for their love of WW, and especially their love of our children..

I could allow my mind to wonder what the effect this all may have on WW.. but I'm not sure it will do much good. I could see it weighing on her conscience if she allows it, or more likely she will fuel the justification fire and blame me now for the destruction of her relationship with her family.. sadly, -that- at the very least is 100% her own making.

I think that is great news. I am proud of her family for standing up for what is right. Now she will have to deal with the fact she is without her family during what is an important time of the year for her.

Btw, in the state I live in, you cannot buy property without your spouse signing off on it.... I doubt seriously she will be able to buy a house in the situation she is in. Unless she has family helping her in some way and from recent accounts that doesn't sound likely.

Thanks SW.. I'm greatly heartened by the family standing up to her, but at the same time I hurt very much for them, to see and know how difficult this is for them, and to see the ripple effect of this divorce on our entire family.

I'm sure it will be heavy on WW's heart, and I hurt for her as well.. I love her, and want her to be happy.. but the path she has chosen doesn't lead to that place.. unfortunately I cannot protect her from this choice.

As far as the house issue.. I'm not so sure anymore that her buying a house would be an entirely bad thing.. I have to imagine that things will crumble pretty quickly under the stresses involved with moving, owning, maintaining a house.. And remember.. Wonderboy has spent his 25 years at home with mom or dad picking up and keeping house.. WW doesn't do those things.. Wonderboy doesn't have kids of his own.. and WW.. well.. she's proven to be more than willing to abdicate parental responsibilities to whomever will take them.. provided they aren't on the other side of the divorce lawsuit..

"I look at DS's shirt which reads 'I still live with my parents'.. and resist with all my inner will not to ask Wonderboy if he has one to match it... but instead I pick up DS's bag, tell WW I'll see her on Sunday.. and head out."

Oh DUDE! You have so much more self-control than I do!
That retort would have just jumped out of my mouth before I had a nanosecond to think. That's pretty hilarious stuff.

Been reading some of your story and just want to say I admire your attempts to be the hero for your family.

Yeah.. my mom said she wishes I'd have said it too, but in the end, really it would have been a big LB to rub it in WW's face what a loser her boyfriend is.

She knows.. she just hasn't admitted it to herself yet.

Thanks for the admiration, but I'm not doing anything admirable here. Like the servants blessed by their master with a feast at the end of the day, they look to their LORD with gratitude for His blessing, for they have not gone above and beyond their call.. they have only done what they ought to have done.

I am my wife's husband, and my children's father.. to me those are not just titles, they are life long obligations.. and with God's blessing, their own rewards.

Still James in light of how your WW is acting you are acting like a cool cat with nothing to fear when no one would blame you for being scared.

It's good that your WW is getting pissed at her SIL and FIL. She's burning bridges which means more will put on Wonderschmuck's plate. I don't know of many relation ship[s that thrive when there are no familial outlets. Once those ties are cut all needs will have to be met by Wonderschmuck and he can't possibly play boyfriend, sister, father etc.

I'm not even sure that's it Infodude.

Her dad is her personal hero.. she has patterned her life after her older sister.. DSD's grandparents have been a great influence in her life.. those people were always the ones she turned to for an outlet outside of the marriage before. Those same people are the ones she has always considered -her- family. They have always supported her and been there for her.

They cannot and will not support this decision.

They have now, finally come out and laid it on the line to her, without trying to soften their blows. I imagine it's going to hurt, and it will penetrate deeply even through the fog.. mostly because it isn't coming from me.

I know how she gets when her family does not condone something she's done... it eats her up from within. It takes time fully to surface but she wants their approval in her life. I forced the issue a couple of years ago about us standing up to some demands made by her family, and it was a -really- rough stretch for them and for my wife. I'm sure that episode is making it almost unbelievable to her that they are standing with me now..

Honestly they aren't taking my side in this.. they are standing up for what they believe. They love her, but more importantly they love her children, and recognize them as being the real victims in this. Their courage, faith, and strength is a true inspiration to me.

I give thanks to God for their influence in our lives, and I pray that He gives them the strength, and love, not to lose heart in the face of the terrible emails WW has sent in response to them.

411 is right. She's alienating too many people in her life and it's gonna bite when Wonderschmuck gets the brunt of her angst.

Oh indeed, I'm sure it will surface, and probably soon.

Lots of stress in her life right now.. new house, divorce, new dog, family problems, etc etc etc..

For me.. that'd probably pretty much be rock bottom.. I hope it occurs to her soon that this decision is throwing away everything she ever held important in her life.

Remember.. this all started with her persuit of happiness.

I wonder if she's happy now...

That's good James sounds like all of her support is going away.

It's like a deck losing it's foundation. Eventually it has to collapse.

James, I know I frequently take the contrary view with your efforts and in part I will do that here..

The collapse of her support structure can go either way James...I suspect though with your WW that it will be similar to what happened with my ex...that collapse caused her and her "friend" to circle the wagons and get closer...and it remained that way until her support structure was back in her life/face helping to hold up the mirror to what she was really doing.

Also, remember that your wife has a NEW support structure in her f-toys family. They obviously are enabling her and supportive of what she has done.

I still am stuck with the idea that your wife has no respect for you at all...and that nothing you do in this plan A will have any impact on her. And even if it does...at this point...so much has happened James...look at where your kids are everyday. It's one thing for a WW to shack up with a OM...it is entirely another when the kids get drawn into it. I believe that your WW is looking at you and seeing a father that let this happen to his kids...without putting up a fight. So whether it was shaking WB's hand...sending a pie...setting foot in the enemy camp or not getting your kids out of there, I just think that in her warped way of thinking she would want you to stand up and be counted rather than to have gone along for the ride she has engineered.

Your wife...if you still want her back for your own reasons...needs something to snap her out of this relationship....something dramatic. I think however the opportunity for you to do that has most likely passed...I think the tactics that you have used to date...giving in on just about everything have been disastrous. At this point your hands are tied since your primary focus needs to be your child living in that situation.

James, I will tell you that a man that stands there and takes a physical shot from f-boys father...shakes wb's hand...let's his kid leave the house without a fight..isn't going to get much respect from his WW. I would have sooner spent the night in jail for knocking wb's teeth out than to have shaken his hand.

Look, I know this comes across as harsh...and it is not because I want to wound you in any way. It's just maddening to sit back and watch this play out....and it has been from the first time we talked in Sept(?). Your son has been there for almost 5 months now...where is your anger? That boy is three James...if you do not act decisively and aggressively some time soon, WB will be known as dad to him.

If you are waiting for this foundation to crumble or plan on doing a prolonged Plan A...you don't have that luxury with your child involved. IF your wife left without your son, I would be all in favor of your current approach...because there wouldn't be as much at stake.
If you are doing anything to stall divorce proceedings, I would stop the stall. Best case, that wakes your wife up a bit...you have nothing to lose....either way it is happening without a dramatic change in strategy.

Thank you MEDC.. as always I appreciate your concern first and foremost for my children.

Right now I can see the smoke rising from her world crumbling around her. She's been reaching out lately to her dad, sisters, and DSD's grandparents.. this wasn't the case 3 months ago.. she was avoiding them all the time. Perhaps this is them holding up the mirror for her. The next week or two will be very telling in that regard.

I'm not sure exactly how to change my approach.. I think what I'm doing right now is the best Plan A I can.. and I imagine it's going to be this way for a while yet. She's shut me out.. now she's burning bridges with her family.. leaving pretty much Wonderboy and his family who are probably starting to get a little tired of the additional burden of supporting her and the kids. I don't think it's going to be a pretty picture for long.

She's got the extreme stresses of trying to land her house and get all that ready, another move for the kids and her.. her job is already stressful, but she finds her coworker and her boss supportive of her... in no small part because they hear every day I'm sure about the hardships in her life.. it becomes a little pity party for her. I'm sure it's very validating... but it doesn't replace her husband and her family.. she'll discover that sooner or later.

Consistency of goodness is what I've read makes the biggest impact. I don't think I'm doing anything disrespectful of myself or of my wife at this point.. trying to stay that way.

MEDC, you talk a lot of doing things to cause her to respect me, but I'm trying to figure out what types of things, in my situation can cause that? I'm not chasing after her.. I'm not talking relationships.. I'm not responding to her when she's uncivil.. I'm simply being me, improving me, am happy with me.. I'm taking care of myself. What more can I do on the respect front?

I don't feel like I'm giving in to everything she wants.. I'm certainly not giving in where my son is concerned. I'm not dragging my feet in the divorce process.. actually I just completed the requirement from the court last night to attend a coping class.. at this point we could technically divorce tomorrow.. provided we agreed on everything, which we do not... so it's going to take some time.