I can root for the Cowboys...they haven't been one of my favorite in the past...

Then, again, with my parents living in TX, that night be a good idea too! LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I was just joking about the prayers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

one thing about Catholics they love to brainwash you with years of teachings...staring in Kindergarten...LOL...I even took a class in college on the different religios...being that I was in Sociology!

I'm not so sure I'd call it brainwashing.. but I can grok what you're getting at.

I spent all of elementary school through middle school in a Baptist school. I emerged in to High School and college very disillusioned about organized religion altogether. I tried to find my place among several different congregations, including Catholicism at the time.

I ended up going it alone, feeling that my 'personal' relationship with God was enough... that was -me- gaslighting myself into believing that I didn't have to 'commit' to God so long as I accepted Christ... So basically I had an affair on God with myself, and thought it'd be 'ok' for me to fence sit for however long it was..

When I met WW, she brought me back into the Church.. I started attending Mass with her regularly all the way up through the baptism of our DS and an Easter or Christmas after that.. then we just.. stopped going, and things started getting stale in our marriage.. because it wasn't being nurtured spiritually.

If there's one thing I'm thankful for now in the almost 5 months I've spent looking at what He11 must be like.. I am closer than I have ever been in my life to my creator, my savior, and the spirit of God.

that was something difficult for STBX and I because we were raised with different religions...

We weren't teaching the boys anything, then I decided that they had to have something so I put them in CCD classes, my religion! The only other thing that they were getting was going to church with the ILs and that was a different religion too! One I personally wasn't to happy with!

I figured they can make up their own mind later in life but -I- needed to help provide that foundation!

I completely agree.

I'm not going to be too picky about where they worship so long as they do, so long as they have the foundation of knowing God in their lives.

I plan to see to it that my children KNOW God.. as opposed to how I grew up, knowing ABOUT God.

When did you find the time 2 read Heinlein, with all the other stuff on your plate? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

-ol' 2long

Dude... after all the SAA, HNHN, Fathers Rights, LMBT etc...

I felt Stranger in a Strange Land was oddly appropriate.


I also feel that Grok, given it's ambiguous definition of becoming one with something to be particularly apt in this discussion of organized religion and attending Mass etc..

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Obviously I've replaced sleep with SciFi.

Ok folks.. quick update tonight.

Couple of LV's the last couple of days.

1) DS called me last night ahead of when I should call him. Tells me at the very least WW is thinking enough of me to make sure I get to chat with him even if it means she was probably going to 'go out'..

2) Exchange tonight was once again pretty wordless.. HOWEVER, Wonderboy was absent -again-.. and she parked in the driveway. She's respecting not just my request, but it's intent as well. This is PROGRESS.. maybe not much, but I'll take it.

Ok.. that's all for now, I'm not obsessing about WW.. just figured I'd share a few LV's.

Hope everyone is having a good night.

Psalm 37 is tonight's devotional

Hi James,

Sounds like you are doing pretty darn good. I haven't been able to read here as much, but am thinking about you.

I'm struggling a little today, but praying to G-d and working through it. It seems any contact I have with WH throws me off for some reason.

Oh yes, it's those expectations. Tell me again how to not have them?

How are you feeling about the game this weekend?

Well, let's tackle the easy question first:

The game this weekend.. I'm really only concerning myself with the AFC games because at this point I -honestly- don't see any NFC team still in the playoffs having a legitimate shot at knocking off either NE or Indy.

I know I know 'Any given Sunday'.. I just don't see it happening, not this year.

This weekend the two games to pay attention to are SD at Indy, and Jacksonville at NE.

My prediction: Indy 27 SD 17 | NE 35 Jacksonville 10

My totally homer prediction should all go as prophesied for -next- weekend: Indy 30 over NE 28 on a last-drive FG by Vinatieri.

Whoever wins that game sees GB or Dallas in AZ and neither team really stacks up.. IMVHO.


Ok.. onto the tough stuff..

How to give up expectations? Well.. I think for me it was the realization that expectations are tied very strongly to resentment. I think I read somewhere on these boards at some point something that said 'Expectations are premeditated resentments'

That kind of stuck with me. We can have high expectations of ourselves.. and should as God fearing people. But to have expectations of others is unfair, because that is us trying to control them and make decisions for them regarding their behavior.

That being said, look at the nature of the wayward.. they are ACTIVELY ENGAGING in behavior that they know [email]d@mn[/email] well they shouldn't be engaging in. They know it so well they actively make the decision to lie EVEN TO THEMSELVES to try and hide the shameful and selfish betrayal of their husband and their family. What kind of expectations of conduct or behavior can we really make for someone in this condition?

The continued contact is rough for us in Plan A.. we -hope- beyond hope that something breaks through the barrier our waywards have erected between us and them.. we -pray- that something reaches their heart and touches them to remind them that we -do- love them.. that we are, right before their eyes making the ultimate sacrifice FOR THEM.. and yet they don't see it.. it's frustrating as he11, I know.

Thing is SG.. in our sitches we aren't going to see instant change.. I don't believe that it'll happen overnight..

I had a very vivid dream last night that WW came through my door, fell into my arms in tears saying that she was sorry.. that she didn't know what or why she was doing the things she was doing.. what it was she saw in him.. that she wondered if I could ever forgive her.. I took her up to our bedroom, and drew her a bath.. placed candles around the tub and looked at her and said 'This is for you.. stay in there as long as you need to.. when you are ready, come to bed and let me hold you.. we'll find a way through this.. I love you.'

I remember us both clinging to eachother and crying.. I remember DSD jumping into my arms saying 'Daddy.. I'm so happy to be home again!' I remember DS climbing into my lap and just smiling that mischevious smile like he engineered the whole thing.. and I remember DD.. who looked a bit sad and confused.. and thinking that she would have to share me again..

What followed was wordless.. intense.. and it was the kiss that I haven't had with her for 4 years now..

And I woke up.. and I prayed that it was a vision of the future.. I prayed that in God's time he would bring this dream to bear.

And you know what? I have complete faith and trust that He will.. He will leave the 99 sheep to chase down the 1 that is lost.. He is working on our Waywards in ways more subtle and more powerful than any Plan A or Plan B could.. He -wants- our spouses to give up their sin and turn to Him for their answers.. not lovers, false friends, and the world.. and He wants the same for us.

Why worry, when you can pray?

Update for today.

I'm feeling good today, was able to hang out with friends last night and get myself all geared up for what promises to be a fun weekend with DS and DD.

Going to be busy, DD's got a swim meet all weekend in the afternoons on Saturday and Sunday.

Nothing much new to report.. just enjoying the peace of this week after the chaos of the holidays.

Well.. back at it, another weekend in the books I suppose.

I sent WW an email on Friday to let her know that if she was going to call DS to talk to him to do it in the morning on Saturday or in the evenings since we were going to be at DD's swim meet this weekend.

DD's swim meet took place at WW's old high school, and there's a class picture with her in it right next to the cafeteria, so every time I passed by it my eyes seemed drawn to her. It made for a rough weekend to be honest. I feel well, strong, stable.. but emotionally it was hard because this was one of the few of DD's swim meets that WW would regularly attend with me. I got to missing WW very much this weekend.

She called Saturday morning and caught DD, DS and I at McDonalds just after breakfast as I'd decided to let the kids have some time playing since the weather was going to be pretty nasty over the weekend. DS talked to her very briefly basically saying where he was and that he was playing, and then promptly handed the phone back to me. I told WW that I'd have him call her back later when things got settled down, and she seemed to appreciate that.

I did call back after we got out of the swim meet and were on our way home from dinner, but there was no answer. WW didn't call back later Saturday night to talk to DS either which kind of bothered me, but it's her choice if other things in her life are more important than talking to DS. It makes me sad for him.. and for her too. I really don't understand how waywards can rationalize caring so little for the people that they mean everything to.

More of the same on Sunday, DS and I attended Mass without DD this weekend since she went with my mom early to the swim meet so she could help out (our squad was hosting the meet this weekend). Father spoke about one of his favorite saints and how he had cross after cross to bear in his service to the Lord, but unfailingly kept his eyes on God. He also gave us some guidelines to use in order to determine if we are truly doing God's will or deceiving ourselves for our own designs. I'm convinced, now more than ever that I'm in the right place.. where I need to be to be standing for my marriage and for my family. This is my test of faith, strength, and courage. I pray that I can continue to be strong and courageous.

Sunday's exchange was different.. at least a little bit. Not quite sure if I LB'd, but I noticed she had a ring on her left ring finger, and asked her if it was an engagement ring.. I hope I didn't sound too incredulous, but she was very quick to say that it wasn't, that it was an Avon ring that she's had since last Christmas. I recognized it after she pointed it out, but still.. it sent my heart pounding for a moment. I commented when she first came in on her hair, she's straightened it which looks very good on her, and she looked very nice yesterday. I complimented her and asked about DSD, and pretty much got the standard 'ok' and 'things are fine' answers which I've come to expect. She got out the door with DS and I called DS back for his hug and kiss.. DS then went back to the car and she almost had him buckled in before he wrestled away from her and ran back to me to give 'Daddy a kiss for tomorrow too!'... my heart broke.. DS is starting to get 'used' to the schedule.. and he knows it's going to be a few days until he sees Daddy again. I'm trying to take heart though and be thankful that once again she came without Wonderboy.. and actually came into the house this time and seemed casual and easy to talk to.. even if she didn't say much of anything.

It's hard right now.. I'm kinda glad my coworker isn't going to be in today because I'm sitting here in as much sorrow as I can remember for the last couple of weeks. It's so hard to stand firm, even though I know without a doubt I have a firm rock to stand on. I know the Lord is working.. not entirely sure what He is up to, but I know I have the greatest ally of all helping me to fight for my marriage.

I love her so much, and am dying to tell her, show her, fill her with my love.. to hold our children in my arms again.. to be a family. It's just hard today.. but I know with God's help I'll make it through.

DD did very well by the way in her meet, she swam 12 events on the weekend and improved her times in a majority of them, which is the goal. She even won 2 of her heats, and I believe may have made Divisional times in one or two events... so overall a very good weekend... apart from my football picks I suppose.. I'll take the heat I deserve for them.

((((JAMES))))

FOcus on the minute right now! I know that hard to do...but I can remember when a minute at a time was all I could do!

A few deep breathes...get yourself busy this morning!

God's plan is not for us to see...he knows better!

You are going to be fine...better than fine!

You have been doing so well!

Thanks Rin.. I really wish I felt like I was doing well today. I just can't seem to shake the funk for some reason. I'm trying to breathe.. to be still.. to trust.. to live in the moment.

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me today, and I'm frustrated that I can't ID it and tuck it away to move on.. I think I'm just so [email]d@mn[/email] tired of being sad and alone.

It's hard to believe that it's been almost 5 months already.. some of this is still so raw it feels like it just happened yesterday. I just want to stop hurting.. and actually -feel- like I'm healing. Most days I seem to do alright with this.. heck, last week was great in this regard.. today.. not so much... today it really does feel like I've picked the scab and am bleeding all over again. It's been like this ever since the exchange yesterday... and nothing enormous happened... she actually seemed relaxed and casual being there on her own..

Ugh.. just one of those days I suppose, that you've just got to hang on and ride out.

Going to go out with a few friends tonight, maybe that'll shake things.

It's okay to feel what you are feleing and I know that you know this...

Are you dwelling on yesterday? Do you think that we choice to think about what we want to think about? Could be be MORE of the grieving process? What we thought that we had?

Wanting what you want when you want it? Feeling the lose of control? The helplessness of not being able to -DO- something?

Look at my sitch, STBX after a little over two years is wanting to take Recon., the thing is, he still doesn't -GET- it...for whatever his reasons, he's not seeing the damage that he has caused yet...and he may not...his choice...to face reality or not...

Let's look at the things that I -CAN -do at this point...I can and have placed him in God's hand...some days I actually had to visual do this...imagine that he was in my hand, holding him with tender loving care, imagine that God was RIGHT in FRONT of me and I was handing him over...asking God to please take care of him in his struggles...

I can see him doing that...I can sometimes -SEE- the inner peace in him...that's God's work, not mine...b/c only God can do for him now...trusting God to do his work with my hands out of it has been extremely difficult and it has caused me great pain to go through this but I -KNOW that it's the best...the BEST for him and the BEST for me...

What's the BEST for you? Today? This moment? What can -YOU- do to make this the BEST moment in time for you? What are five things that are wonderful about today?

Lifting you up in prayer James

What were the guidelines?

James,


You know what, maybe this is EXACTLY what G-d wants you to be walking through. That he is preparing you for further "awakenings or enlightment" and he needs you to be a little weakened to receive them.

The good part of living one day at a time, is you can go to bed earlier and make it a faster day.

We talk about not having expectations for our WW, but you know what, maybe we need to not be so hard on ourselves and not have expectations that we shouldn't be feeling this or that way. We are on a TOUGH JOURNEY, a WALK IN LIFE, that is tough physically, mentally and spiritually. When we have bad days, we get to KNOW that we can come here and be LOVED and our HANDS HELD and no one expects us to do ANYTHING.

Rin is so RIGHT, you are going to be fine. But it's also ok to have bad days. You don't know what you are having it for. Maybe it's G-d way of giving you an experience that when the WW comes home that she is going to have these UP and DOWN days and you are gaining experience on how to relate, understand and support.

As my old sponsor says - the universe is unfolding exactly as it should be in spite of whether we like it or not. G-d has you walking through this you can be sure of that. Just don't beat yourself up because it's one of those days. And know that you are A WINNER, AND G-d is taking care of you.

And I'm sorry about the Colts. My sons told me it was a tough day for them.

I suppose I am dwelling a little bit on yesterday. I guess I'm getting hung up on 'what does this mean' here and there.

I think I'm probably doing a little playing 'keepaway' with God where WW is concerned. I really need to do that visualisation thing and give her to Him again. I know that's what I've got to do.

I guess it was just a weekend where I'd have loved to have her companionship.. would have loved to have the whole family together and it just wasn't there.

I'm frustrated with myself that 5 months into this and last week I felt like I was really 'letting go'.. and now to realize that I've still got a white knuckled grip on what SHOULD BE.. rather than accepting WHAT IS.. It's a little dissapointing to have felt like I'd come so far only to see me taking steps backwards.

Then on top of that I'm not sure if the comment about the ring was a LB or not.. -assuming- it was an engagement ring. I came out and asked, and probably sounded a little incredulous.. then backpedaled when she identified the ring and I recognized it.. then thinking about what -that- means.. that she's wearing that ring on her left hand. It's just awkward.. and it certainly removed the comfort zone I was trying to create by inviting her into my house out of the wind... I did compliment her hair and said that she looked really good. She deflected my compliment with silence but I have to hope it made at least a little deposit.. show that I -am- paying attention.

I don't know that I -need- to feel in control there anymore.. I know God is in control, and I know she's in control of herself.. I guess I'm just trying to scratch at the surface to see if there's trouble in paradise... and got rewarded with nothing but more confusion. Probably pretty typical for us Plan A'ers..

Looking at your sitch I honestly don't know what I'd do Rin.. I'm almost committed to taking WW and -trying- to work on it regardless of what condition God sends her back to me in. Not sure that'd make much sense to many people here, but at least I'd snatch the opportunity to -try-. That's just me though, and I wouldn't look at it as settling either.. this is what I want right now.

What's best for me today? What would be best would be if I could stop worrying about her and just take care of my own thing.. I'm looking forward to getting out with friends tonight and maybe playing a little music.. so maybe that'll help.

five things that are wonderful about today?

1) Just had lunch, not hungry anymore.
2) I didn't get a lot of sleep last night but I'm not particularly tired today.
3) I'm still breathing.
4) I got a kiss from my boy yesterday to hold me over for today.
5) I'm a child of God, certain that I'm doing His will and not just my own by standing by the covenant I made with Him, standing for my children, and praying for my wife.

Not sure that's going to send anyone over the moon.. but there's 5 things that are good today.

I dunno.. I could also maybe be deflecting some depression over my team losing yesterday onto my even more depressing marriage problems... heh.. like pouring some gas on the fire eh?

It's just been a weird day.. I feel like I'm sliding backwards.. but I'm trying my best to keep my eyes focused on God and let Him take the lead.

Remember how long it took the Jews to get it right. 40 years. I think in 5 months you have room to have bad days or struggling days.

Maybe you are just having a bad day and G-d just wants you to reach for him. Sometimes I hold my hand up and just ask him to take it and hold it.

{{{{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}

You really are doing AWESOME. Feeling the feelings makes us stronger. We just don't realize it until we get through it. And for me, it's SO MUCH easier to say this when it's a good day. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are loved here, well respected for your courage and stand. You are an INSPIRATION to us and I am proud to have you in my life.

Queenie

Like it was told to me from LA:

"Worrying is like praying for the things you don't want!"

IMHO, Worrying is self-abuse! Throws you into the should of, would of, could of, and what if's...only creates feelings of anxiety and stress...

The grieve process doesn't all come at once, James, little bit here, little bit there...why feel disappointed? Are you not doing the best you can each and every day? So, today you are standing on that same rung in the spiral staircase...not moving backward...NO, not at all, standing still...because that next step is a little more difficult than you thought it would be and that okay...

You ARE WHERE YOU NEED TO BE AT -THIS- MOMENT IN TIME!!

Head up, chest out! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Your feelings are understandable. There seems to be the same theme on other threads as well.

It could also be due to post-holiday blues. See the holidays gave many opportunities to interact and to do some excellant Plan A actions. After the holidays, you may feel what was the result of those opportunities and when will there be another chance to implement more Plan A actions. Very normal and it is happening with others as well.

Hang in there - you are doing good. When is the evaluation scheduled? What is the status on the new house ?