You're welcome! Yeah He is pretty awesome huh?!!

Awesome doesn't even begin to describe..

I've got a stack of things I've printed off from here and there. Novenas etc that I've been praying in the morning as well.

Honestly I think for the most part I've replaced WW in my life with God, and strengthened my walk to the point where I know even if WW doesn't come back, I've got everything I need for my life in God. I've never had this depth of a relationship with Him before now.. so regardless of what happens with my M, something wonderful has come of this experience.

Novena? Yes you def are Catholic. Me, too.

Well.. I'm actually a Baptist who married a Catholic.

I made a promise to God and my wife and our children at the altar that I would raise our children in the Catholic Church.

I am honoring that promise. After the Easter Vigil this year I'll be starting RCIA, hopefully with SIL as my sponsor.

Nothing major to report today. Last night was one of those lonely nights.

Ended up turning on the computer and vegging out listening to Stop Divorce Radio on the interweb. Can't tell you how helpful those people have been getting me settled and truly understanding the concept of how to Be Still.. I sometimes wonder if they haven't read some of the MB concepts or if there's some universal concepts in successfully busting up divorces or reuniting marriages.. I suppose like anything else, people find common things that work because.. well, they work.

I've been dealing with a need to 'educate' my WW lately. I haven't acted on it of course except for a brief email exchange yesterday where we were discussing some comments made by DSD on the phone Monday night that I didn't hear because I was having some pretty bad reception problems. Ultimately though I reiterated that I -want- DSD to feel like she can be O&H with me about her feelings even if they would make me upset or hurt my own feelings so that I can help her to deal with her grieving constructively. I slipped in a reminder that I am, even still loving and committed to WW, DS, DSD, and DD.. I acknowledged again her 'truth' that she didn't believe in my commitment, and reiterated that from the first night we stayed up talking together almost 5 years ago through today that she, and our kids, and our hopes and dreams that we've built together have been the truly important things in my life.

Honestly I expected it to result in another one of what Graycloud calls a snake feeding session, but she didn't respond at all.. no claws.. no need for her to have the last word or angrily push away calling me dramatic or anything else. Trying not to wonder too loudly to myself if it might have been one of those rocks that actually sunk in.

I'm really taking the analogy of Plan A being like throwing rocks into a stream where eventually one will break the surface. I know with all the upheval in her life and things not going anywhere near like what she 'planned' when she left.. Plan A might start having a bigger impact.

I'm working very hard on me right now. I've always had a bit of a quick wit, and biting sarcasm about me that for years I just thought of as a form of 'brutal honesty'.. but in reality it's more of a defense mechanism I think for dealing with uncomfortable situations. I think these days my focus needs to be on taking a breath, and really thinking about what was said, the motivations behind why someone might say something a certain way.. and considering all of those things before responding. Going to be tough to keep my sense of humor that way.. but then again it could be fun to mix my humor with sincerity rather than sarcasm.

Just some 'me' stuff I'm working on..

Good morning,

I think this is why we are going through this. G-d wants us in his fold and it was the ONLY way he could reach us or that we listened.

James, I gotta tell you, your willingness to look inside is so cool and will help you all the days of your life. I so understand your pain.

I think the analogy of the pebble in water for Plan A is a good reminder to me. I get caught up in I don't see anything and then worry.....blah blah blah.

Last night I finally wrote my husband and my M on a piece of paper and put it in my G-d box. Now there is no reason to worry, right?

You and I are certainly being worked on as is everyone else on here. We just don't know what for and when it will be over. I think that's the tough part... The continuing day... by day.... by day.

If I could have a time frame know that on this day I would be healed, how much more I would love that.

How is your afternoon going?

You know.. I've had this same thought.

Unfortunately, -knowing- what the outcome would be here would completely defeat the purpose. It'd be like announcing that if we haven't won in Iraq by April we're pulling out.. we'd just tell God 'Ok big guy.. I'll hang in there until April when you say this will be all over.'

Think of how far you've come in such a short time, and what you would potentially miss by having your eyes fixed on a particular date on the calendar instead of on God?

I think things are right the way they need to be. Now I -wish- God would hurry up and get WW where she needs to be to come home.. but He's got to do it His way, and in His time.. otherwise I'll have WW home.. not a new W in my old W's body.

That's what I need... a brand new W.. a Godly W.. a Proverbs 31 W.. and if that W looks like the woman I already love and adore.. great.. if ultimately that woman that God has in mind for me is not -her-.. then I'm sure God will let me know in His time and His way.

I -know- He wants me to be where I am today, because it is by listening and obeying Him that I have gotten this far.. I will not be like Thomas who doubted until he was allowed to touch the wounds of Christ.. I will not sink into the waters for having taken my eyes off of the Lord.. I will not allow the enemy to deceive me into sin... and into death.

I will be healed through God.. I -am- healed through God.

My sorrow today is not BECAUSE of my WW.. it is FOR my WW.. for her soul.. for her life.. for her happiness.. for her well being.. for her mind.. for her conscience. It is FOR my DS and DSD who, if my WW has her way will suffer the curse of Divorce possibly even into their own marriages and pass the curse and hardship along to other generations of -my- blood..

No.. I am angry at the sin.. at the consequences being inflicted upon my innocent children.. but I LOVE my wife who is held captive by her flesh and desires.. tempted and blinded by evil.. I am angry at the sin but I love (no.. no capitals.. baby steps people) Wonderboy and his family.. I appreciate the goodness within them to help someone they percieved to be in need.. though I hurt for how vacant their lives must be so bereft of moral value and true happiness.

No SG.. there's no reason to worry. The LORD is my salvation, in what mortal person should I fear?

But for the touch of Him, we are no more than dust.

Psalms 126: 1 - 6
------------------------------------------------------------

1 When the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion, we were like those who dream.
2 Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, "The LORD has done great things for them."
3 The LORD has done great things for us; we are glad.
4 Restore our fortunes, O LORD, like the watercourses in the Negeb!
5 May those who sow in tears reap with shouts of joy!
6 He that goes forth weeping, bearing the seed for sowing, shall come home with shouts of joy, bringing his sheaves with him.

James, i know you may see strength in this. I see a sense of delusional thinking. I don't know how else to say it.

James, do you think God is going to bring your wife back to you? Or are you prepared to have God's will done here? I see a big difference.




Again, I am very concerned about this line of thinking. Things are NOT how they need to be. Your child is living in a dangerous situation. that is not how they need to be...that is how they are because of the failures of everyone involved.

I'm sorry, I just see way too much being lain at God's feet as though it was His will that your child is with the OM on an almost daily basis. It is the free will of evil and inaction that put this into play.

Suggesting that you would like God to hurry up and get her where she needs to be to come home has me worried. If your wife doesn't ever come home James...is it God's will that she live in sin and take your son along for the ride???

I am very worried about what you are setting yourself up for James.

ETA..


And there is NOTHING that they did that can even remotely be considered "goodness." NOTHING James. The were complicit in adultery and in harming your children. They are complicit in this terrible sin every day and yet you are seeing goodness in them.

I'm inclined to agree with MEDC on this thought.

Do you realize that GOD'S will and plan for your life will be WAY better than anything we could ever come up with on our own?

While I agree being specific in your prayers to Him is the way to go, we all have our own free will to choose what direction to take...and your WW is NOT taking one of love, consideration or integrity within the marriage.

How are you discerning the actions God want YOU to take? Out of concern, my suggestion is that you be realistic as well as spiritual. There is room for both.

Free

Unfortunately, -knowing- what the outcome would be here would completely defeat the purpose. It'd be like announcing that if we haven't won in Iraq by April we're pulling out.. we'd just tell God 'Ok big guy.. I'll hang in there until April when you say this will be all over.'

I don't understand. The question seemed to be about getting over everything. But my interpretation of your response: I know God is going to make my wife come back and therefore I must be willing to wait forever.

And if that's wrong, if not forever, then for how long?

I don't mean to step on your faith. I'm saying much less than I'd like. But I don't understand your plan. To me it seems you've chosen to have no say over your future.

I'm sorry. I think I don't understand how you think God works.

I will bite my tongue regarding the Iraq metaphor.

Seems like you have a good attitude about the role you seem to have chosen but I wouldn't do it this way.

GC

Thanks everyone, you make very good points, and your concern shines through.. I very much appreciate it.

While there appears to be some misunderstanding, please friends, know that I am well grounded in the reality of the situation even though my eyes are on God, my hand in his, and my prayers with him that he guide my steps.

I am well aware of my wife's free will to choose not to obey God's law and His will. I am also well aware that God can and does greatly influence our lives in effort to guide us along His paths. I have his promise and hold to the KNOWLEDGE that whatever the outcome for me, it will be for the better. Yes.. MY plan would include my wife, however I have acknowledged to myself and to God that if that is not His will, then I will accept the path He lays before me.

As for how I am discerning what exactly God's will is for my life? Well.. without going into too much detail, I will simply say that I am not just praying my requests and petitioning the Lord, but I am also listening for his response. Spending time in the Word, and keeping my eyes open.. it's not just one thing that I have heard or seen in doing this, but an overwhelming and consistent response. I firmly believe that God is at work here.

On a related note, the exchange last night was different than usual to say the least.

DS had mentioned in the car several times that Wonderboy and WW had taken him to the doctor. I thought this was strange and that surely if she needed to take him to the Dr that I would have been notified. He also mentioned that mommy was out of baby wipes, which he prefers to use instead of toilet paper when he #2's. I had an extra package so I put it with his stuff for when WW arrived.

She came alone again, and I pretty much had DS ready when she came to the door. He'd gotten a cut on his forehead at daycare in a freak Matchbox car accident, and I explained to her the situation as I handed her the wipes. She looked confused so I explained DS's preference for wipes to paper, and she said that she didn't know that, and that he'd never mentioned it to her. She accepted them, and about this time DS decided that he needed to go potty. This prolonged her stay by about 10 minutes and so I ended up asking her about the Dr. visit. She said that he had woken up in the middle of the night complaining so she took him to the ER. Turns out he was just constipated. I asked her to please let me know any time that she feels he needs medical attention and she said that she would, and would have called if it had been anything serious.

Her phone rang, and it looked like she seriously debated whether or not to answer it. In the 10 minutes she was there she got 3 phone calls, and at least one of them was Wonderboy as she had to explain what was taking so long and where she was. It was obvious to me she was irritated by it, as she and I were having a fairly pleasant conversation about daily this or that. There were no ILY's on the phone etc either, which I did pick up on. The problem was, that she was trying to get ahold of CoWorker to bring a car seat since she had forgotten to put one in her car to pick up DS. I told her that as long as I could get with her before the next time I was to have him that she could use the one I had in my car. So she waited as DS and I went to the garage to get that.

She seemed much more open to me last night than she has been since all this started. The pebbles are starting to stack up, and I know nothing has broken the surface yet, but there were holes in the fog last night where I saw glimpses of W peeking out behind WW. I'm also demonstrating my care and dedication to her, DSD, and DS with these opportunities while watching him LB and act insecure while I'm comfortable in my space and shining these days.

Normally I'd trigger and start chasing my tail about this type of encounter with WW.. and they seem to be getting a little better, easier, more open, more eye contact and 'feeling' with each visit that she comes alone. I'm keeping conversation within the comfort zone, and not LBing even when I sometimes want to. She's no longer in a rush rush rush to get out of there, and actually the last few times has looked like she wanted to prolong the visit/conversation herself. I'm not going to anguish about it though, that encounter is over.. it was a positive one, a LV if you will.. a successful Plan A encounter on my end, and I'm going to leave it at that, and keep moving forward.

Bonus.. I'll get an 'extra' opportunity/encounter when we get together for me to get DS's seat back sometime over the weekend or early next week.

I'm feeling good today, and it's looking like it's going to be a busy one like yesterday. I'll try to keep checking in on folks but no guarantees.

Hi James,

I'm glad it was nothing serious with your DS. I think your walk with G-d is honest, open and willing to deal with and accept whatever he is choosing for you. And that's how it should be.

So many people are right, like I just read this morning in Isaiah 46 - I have plans for you which will be fulfilled. Throughout this horrible ordeal you have remained strong and faithful to G-d. You sir, will be receiving many blessings in your life.

I'm glad Plan A is working and going along as best as possible. Keep those pebbles going.

Have a great day if you don't check in or see you later if you can.

James... I don't think God has anything to do with what your wife chooses. I believe He can intervene by sending people or angels in her path, causing her to dream dreams, chasing after her and other things... but ultimately it's her choice.

His will is clear. He hates divorce, but even He allows for it when there's adultery involved. Thank God he is a merciful God, otherwise my own marriage would be over.

Continue to pray for intervention. He will if you will.

I love this PM. And will keep praying for this all day long until directed to stop.

Queenie

Thanks PM.. SG.

I guess I need to touch on this:

I just want to make sure it's understood that I know this.. I'm very well aware of the free will my W has. And yes, I realize that God does not intrude upon her free will.

I have been praying for intervention.. and I -believe- that the circumstances as they have come to be in her life are evidence of intervention for sure..

I don't believe in coincidences.

Oh... and WW already emailed me today.. she wants to meet me after work tonight to give me the car seat back. She asked me to name the place to meet.

I emailed the following back to her:

WW,

I don't know if you're still typically staying late after work, or if you need to go pick up DS etc.. so why don't you call me 10-15 minutes before you plan to get off, and I'll swing by and meet you in the parking lot at XXXX Park so you don't have to go too far out of your way. If it's going to be much later than 5:30 though, I'll need to meet you another night as I have dinner plans at 6 on the south end of town, and have to be out at the church by 7:30.

Hope you got some good sleep last night. Please love on the little ones for me.

In my heart and prayers,
James

Keep us posted on the response....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Eh.. no response yet, and I'm not expecting one.

I do kind of find it odd though that she's recently been placing decisions in my lap. It wasn't all that uncommon during the M for her to give over control and decision making, but I find it kind of odd that she's still doing that now..

I almost wonder if she wasn't fishing for me to offer to take her out or something tonight.

Oh well.. not going to chase my tail about it. If she calls tonight, she calls.. if not then we'll do it another night.

Have you offered to take her out before?

I believe that would be a big love buster based on her past comments to James.

I also think that speculating about her "fishing" about that is not healthy.

Just my opinion.

What do you mean?