she has asked him to back off.

Ah....

Ok, just as a learning tool right now.

If you are in Plan A, and she is a alien in her warped mind.. What could he do around that?

MEDC is right.. the comment that sticks out is her making a big deal out of me calling her 'baby' on the phone.

During the M it was always 'baby' when talking to her or asking her for something... 'Hey baby.. while you're in there can you.. blah blah'... we both did it.. not uncommon IMO.

Actually I think after a very strong Plan A encounter last night I'll pull back a little and see if she takes a few steps forward.

Not going to spend much time speculating on whether or not she's fishing. All I know is that things are -not good- in affairland right now.. Wonderboy is clingy as ****** lately.. and she's either given herself or has been given 30 days to get out of CoWorker's house.. she's in the pressure cooker.

I'm just going to play things cool..

There's more to Plan A than trying to get her to 'go out' with me.

She's painted me black as far as being able to 'date' me..

I think in -her- warped mind she'd feel like she was being disloyal to her man if she went out with her husband.

How messed up is that? But I think that's how she'd view it.

She is more than messed up... but we won't go there.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yeah... I'm just going to show up tonight, grab the car seat and go.. if she wants to talk I'll stay and listen, but I've got places I've got to be tonight.

Ok... I'm not obsessing.. seriously.

But a thought just occured to me.. which may come as a DUH moment to the rest of you in the peanut gallery.

but I just realized that inside of a month of good hard Plan A'ing.. I've come from having her throw a fit because I asked her to not bring Wonderboy with her to the exchanges... then having him still come with her to the exchanges but wait out on the public road... then her starting to come by herself for the exchanges (4 in a row now).. to her wanting to meet somewhere right after work (when Wonderboy won't be around)...

We're supposed to be watching our wayward's actions right?

I'm calling this a LV.

Yup.. And now I'm moving on.. more LV's to come.. Thanking God and giving Him the glory.

I'll second that being a LV. If only I could get to where you are. Maybe someday with the grave of God.

James,

Did you ever consider that perhaps WB doesn't come there any longer because she has assured him that he has no need to be insecure?

Perhaps his frequent phone calls and clinginess are what she enjoys from him?

I am hearing about your WS's actions James...and they speak volumes about where she is at. She picks up your son each time and returns to him. Until that changes, you are speculating in ways that really are not health for a man whose wife and children are living with another man. You have read thing in her responses before and have been proven wrong by her actions.

You are, IMHO, spending way too much time trying to figure her out, rather than just looking at actions. Your recent posts remind me a bit of where Rin(strivenforbetter) was at recently. It isn't healthy.

Again, my opinion.

Heh.. MEDC.. my 2x4 wielding dervish of hopefulness..

You're probably right.. I am spending too much time on trying to figure her out. Yes I've read things incorrectly in the past.

I've got some of your shoe rubber that was attached to this piece of paper saying over and over that my son wasn't living with me.. the Dr. who extracted it from my a$$ thought I should return it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(all in jest my good man.. seriously thank you for keeping me focused)..

I was just noting a progression of behavior..

And no.. I don't think she's done any such reassuring based on 5 years of experience with her... and I -know- she doesn't like clingy.. she -does- clingy when -she- wants it.. but she definitely doesn't do clingy guys.. seriously.

Imagine trying to follow a movie where you're allowed to see and hear just a few seconds out of every minute.

It's a little like that, trying to guess the mindset of a WW who has bailed out.

You make a good point GC...

I've used the analogy of reading tea leaves.. but I think I like yours better.

14thgpr.. I'm honestly no better off than you I'm afraid, my friend. Keep your chin up, hang in there, and pray your a$$ off. You'll make it through this. I've kept an eye on your sitch but you're getting better advice than I could give you.. so I've stayed quiet.

Thanks for the encouragement. I've been following yours as well, and it looks like you've got yourself completely under control and maintaining your cool in the face of some serious bullsh*t on occasion. Believe me, it's inspiring.

James:

I wanted 2 comment on what medc is saying here. Mind you, I'm not REALLY disagreeing with him, but there are a few things I think are of note:


While I agree she probably has done this, I think it's probably more out of necessity (James was finally firm with her about him coming around, and she might be a bit afraid of what he might do if she does bring him around), because I don't believe for a minute that WB is more secure than he was - if anything, he's probably a bigger weenie than ever! But, the danger of James overspeculating himself in2 unwarranted hopefulness is not healthy, I agree.


I would bet that this was, maybe still is 2 some extent, the case. But if I could be a fly on the wall... ...I bet she's getting tired of it, as James is assuming (stop assuming, James! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)


I agree 100%, as do I agree with gc's metaphor above. But ONE aspect of plan A/B the MB way IS "monitoring" what the BS can of the WS' "stats" by watching their behavior changing over time. A very, very fine line between obsessing and moving on in a healthy manner.


It isn't healthy, but some of it is probably necessary. If I were a betting man, and I'm not (often), I would bet that the defecation has or is about 2 impact the ventilation in WW fairyland. That does NOT mean that James has a happy recovery 2 look forward 2. He very likely will be simply moving on 2 the next phase of 'moving on' as his WW looks for yet another plaything. And even if recovery is on the horizon, it's a big planet and the horizon is pretty far away. Lot's of work 2 get 2 it (and then it'll have moved! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> - metaphor is starting 2 break up...

-ol' 2long

Thanks for chiming in 2long.

My dinner date had to cancel (was just my DD and mom.. DD's practice was going to run long tonight and I would be seriously up against a time crunch to get to IC if I went later).

WW emailed me that she was going to get off at the usual time and when to meet her at the park. We met.. I got the car seat and stuffed it into my car. She needed to go pick up DS at daycare, and I asked her if it would be ok if I followed her out there so I could see him instead of just calling tonight. She said it would be fine.

Followed her out to the daycare, and as we were going in I made a comment about her outfit looking really good today, and she smiled a little at me and said thanks.

As we got in, DS looked over and you should have -seen- his face.. he ran across the gym yelling "Mommy and Daddy!!!!!" and jumped up into my arms. He clung to me as I explained to him that I was just popping in to see him tonight, and that it was mommy's night.. and he protested and pouted that he wanted to go with me. I could tell it hit somewhere within WW but she put on a good face. I held him all the way out to the van and loved on him for a few minutes before we went our separate ways. She was still sitting in the parking lot talking to DS as I pulled out...

I almost offered to take them out for ice cream or something, but I figured it would still be a LB, and didn't want to make the offer with DS there just in case she said no.

LV.. she let me see DS tonight and I got to love on my boy.

Don't know that I made any deposits tonight, but I don't think it hurt... it sure gave her something to chew on if she thinks about it.. he was -so- overjoyed at seeing the two of us walk into daycare together. I think one of the daycare ladies just about choked on her drink.

I'm feeling good tonight guys.. going to IC in an hour.. I'll update in the AM.

May God's love be with all of you.

James,

Nice ending for your DS day. What a gift for him and you. I hope IC counseling goes well. Talk to you tomorrow.

James:

You made me cry.

That was beautiful. Even if it didn't LV your WW, it did your DS. He's such a great kid!

-ol' 2long

James

Wow man - you have great restraint on the Taker. Very smooth - Not sure I could have done that without a LB somewhere.

I think there might have been a deposit in the bank or a couple of pebbles tonight.

Good job last night. Great LV.

Just remember a chink in her armor is still only a little whole for all the hot air to come out.

Thanks everyone.. it really was a blessing last night to get to see DS.


You have no idea man.. I may be a little biased, but DS is without a doubt the worlds greatest kid (don't tell DD or DSD though that I said that).. Even at 3.93 years old he's got such a capacity for empathy, is a comedian, full of energy and life... his eyes.. There's only one set of brown eyes I've ever seen sparkle like his.. and he got them from her.


I think I've misplaced my Taker somewhere. He shows up now and again and wants to resolve things with demands, judgements and anger.. he's in an indefinite Time Out right now, and pouting about it something awful.

I'm not sure how smooth it was.. but it was more time spent just her, I, and DS.

From a legal standpoint though.. the daycare people saw with their own eyes which of us DS runs to/clings to.. not sure how much that'll help in that arena, but we'll see.

I worry though about sending this kind of message to DS, with WW and I walking in together last night. It's not something I imagine happening very often.. especially given his reaction and clinginess to me. I'm sure WW won't want to have that in her face too many times.

--------------

IC went well.. we talked about Borderline Personality Disorder a little bit with regards to WW, and IC seems to think there's a strong liklihood there that something is wrong, even if it isn't BPD.. and we discussed how that may make a potential recovery even harder.

She wanted to dig right in to the last couple of days and sees both interactions as very positive, and a dramatic improvement in engaging behavior from WW. She feels that WW may be taking a hard look at, if not climbing up onto the fence given the recent circumstances.

We talked about how I need to be careful about any potential recovery attempts by WW at this point, as I am not going to be a 'friend' or a 'roomate' for her.. I'm her husband.. I want the whole package, or nothing at all. We talked about unconditional love in this context, and loving unconditionally vs the conditions that need to be met for recovery to take place. She's very proud of the boundaries I'm setting.

She commented at length about the inner peace, and -finally- happiness I'm outwardly displaying.. talking about how I'm coping with anger/resentment issues and such. She deals with this kind of thing all the time, and she says she's very amazed I've come farther in 5 months than several people she's been counseling for years. Yet again.. someone else telling me I'm doing well.. I guess I should start believing it, but it's difficult at this point.

I can see myself that I've come a long way.. but it feels like a natural progression for me at this point. I'm hardly without my moments and a full pocket of tickets for the rollercoaster, but I'm finding ways (mostly through prayer and devotionals) to get through them quickly and get back to the business of being the man I'm meant to be. IC says she has no other explanation for my progress than to point to those coping methods to having helped me get where I am.

I'm so glad I have a counselor who supports my faith. She says she is really impressed with the decision making I've done so far. I asked her what she meant by that.. and she told me something about myself I hadn't realized.. and to be truthful folks, I owe it to a handful of people on these boards who know who they are... she says it's the consistency with which I make the decision -not- to engage in the anger/resentment cycle.. the decision to accept what 'is', and show a consistency of love and compassion for WW and my family.. especially when she is acting unlovable. IC says it -will- make a difference for the better.. regardless of whether or not reconciliation is in our future.



That's it for the updates for now.. little glimpses into my head I suppose. Tonight is the start of SELF CARE WEEKEND part Deux!

Going to try and get dinner and go to Mass with DSD's grandparents this weekend, and they should be in town by now, but haven't called me yet. We'll see how that works out. I've got plans to go out with a group of friends Saturday night, and DD has a swim meet Saturday during the day.. so it's going to be busy.. which is what I need right now.