I am.

Okay, it's like this.

Part of why my W's A has been difficult 2 get over was not just that it was a VLTA, but because she never really left and I never knowingly dealt with a "full blown" affair "in my face" like most people do.

So, rescuing her when she was down was easy. 2 easy, in fact. I remember remarking 2 her a few years back, that it would have been far easier and we would have been a lot farther along in recovery if after d-day, instead of her going deeper underground and continuing the EA, she'd packed her bags and gone 2 live with Rat Meat.

That would have gone over like a 2rd in a cesspool and the A would have died a sudden death, probably more like 5 or even 6 years ago, instead of more like 3 1/2 or so.

You want her back, if at all, for the right reasons, not just because she needs your cash 2 continue 2 behave badly.

Now, it's been said that it matters less why they come back, so long as they do. That you can always work 2ward a better marriage under even less than ideal circumstances. But in a case like this, I almost think it's better that she sees the full (and for her, expensive) consequences of her selfish behavior. So that when she does come back, she's DONE behaving that way.

Then, all you have 2 deal with is STD testing and waiting periods, and get in2 real recovery with a good coach.

-ol' 2long

*takes a deep breath*

I'll probably get some flak for saying so 2long..

But recovery sounds a lot tougher than what I'm doing now..

She's worth it though.. my kids are too.

Guess I'm going to have to let her fall on her own.. hate to see it happen, but she needs this.

I AGREE recovery sounds like a TON of work... and I wonder if we will be able to handle it.. lots and lots of work!!!

no flak. I think you are right...especially given what she has put you through.




What makes her worth it James?

I think we want WW's to fall so they are at rock bottom and turn to G-d.

We don't want their path to be easy or it won't be true.....

Hang In there James. Our stories are so similiar I almost faint at times reading yours. I keep praying we both have the outcome we wait for.

I've been bad about posting on my on stitch but I follow yours daily. My wife is still living with her Boytoy with mommy and daddy. I Mailed her thousands of dollars in past due bills today in her name. Its really sad I like you know Im going to have to watch her fall and fail before she hopefully sometimes sees reality.

We never had great credit but we sure had worked hard for what we had and now its going to all come crumbling down.
I hope it all works out for you both.

We both have DS3 your daycare story was quite inspiring. Wish I could say I had a story like that. I am currently in no contact and have my older two children with me but ds3 lives with her and since I wont take her calls she had him leave a message on my phone ended the call by him saying I
love you "om name". Needless to say that surely didnt make my day. Just dont give up man your story seems so much more hopeful then where im at I'm praying for you. I am actually very hopeful for mine still because I know boytoy twit will fail and their fantasy will not sustain itself.
I just hope My love will survive.
Be well

I remember one of the first things I learned when I came to MB was that my lofty and romantic notion that I'd believed ALL of my life about blind trust was wrong. You can NEVER blindly trust. I remember several of the VETS jumped all over that when I tried to say that you could and you should. Boy, was I naive...

As far as recovery being harder than what you're doing now. You have no idea. It is VERY hard and believe it or not, you will have to carry much of the load in the beginning. I think that's what some people are trying to say to you, it will be oh so much better if she were to hit her rock bottom before you even entertained thoughts of recovery. With her history I don't see her being sincere about much of anything without a crash and burn. I know you don't want to see that for her (as your wife and son's mother) but sometimes that's what it takes.

Praise and Thanks be to God for another beautiful (albeit cold) day to be alive.

I get to spend some time with DS tonight, and am very much looking forward to it.

SS: I haven't read much on your sitch lately, but yeah.. it's going to be some of the hardest stuff we've ever done, but well worth the effort.


Easiest question you've ever asked me. She's my wife MEDC. If she was worth me promising the rest of my life to.. in good circumstances or bad.. in sickness or in health.. for better or worse.. she's worth going through the bad circumstances.. the sickness.. and the worse.


This really got me thinking SG.. and you're absolutely right. We want them back for the right reasons.. so they need to come back for the right reasons.

Jav: Can't say I've read up on your sitch, but I'll try and catch up. I'm very sorry that anyone's sitch is anywhere close to this bad. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers my friend. I'll be around.. feel free to lean on me if you need to vent, I've been there.


Thanks for this PM.. I realize that a lot of the heavy lifting will be mine to do for a long while. I'm praying for the strength if it happens..

I don't want to get too far ahead of myself here though. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING has changed realistically speaking. She's still entrenched with WB.. her circumstances aren't good.. but then again they haven't been all that good from the beginning either. CoWorker and CAMCH haven't kicked them out of He11house either.. so they may be fed up, but they are still enabling. She's still not in contact with her family. She's in a bad financial sitch and is still looking for a love nest.. I don't know how it'll all play out.. that's in God's capable hands. I'm -ready- for her to show up at the door.. but I'm going to go about living my life the best I can in the meantime.

I know things haven't changed for her.. at least not enough for her to realize and understand that her 'everything is fine' response when things OBVIOUSLY aren't.. is a clear indication that she still hasn't taken ownership of her part of what was making our M less than what it could be. It's conflict avoidance.. it's not having to admit to me of all people that she needs help.. it's not -sharing- a problem so that we can work together to solve it.

She's still trying to 'fake it till she makes it'.. I don't want her to come home in this condition.. she's going to have to learn one of these days that if we pull in the same direction -together-.. that there is very little we aren't capable of accomplishing. I wonder how deep she's going to have to dig at the bottom before the circumstances are so dire that she can honestly appreciate that truth.

James, I asked you that question because it is important to know what and why you are holding on. You don't need to answer me...I just wanted to get you thinking.

IMHO, and I will give a few extreme examples to show my point, there has to be more than "she's my wife."

If your wife sexually molested your child...would she be worth keeping?
There are parents out there that have done the most horrible things to their kids...and staying with that person, even though it is your spouse, would be the most cruel and dysfunctional thing.

So, my question, rhetorical or not...why is she worth it? To what depths would she need to sink to make her "not worth it?"

I would be surprised if your counselor has not touched on this stuff.

Jamesus,

I like your attitude and emotionally.....this is exactly where you need to be. The more confident, happy, and calm you are....the more attractive you. And it's a win/win for you too because you don't feel as though your life is on hold. As you suspect, there's alot encouraging about the reality she's trying to face. Nothing screws up a good fantasy better than living under these kinds of circumstances.

Just stopped by to give you a pat on the back.

star*

You make a very valid point MEDC.. and it's certainly one to consider.

I'll keep in mind the rhetorical nature of the question.. and believe me, it's been touched on.. not necessarily with this focus. The same reasons I'm fighting for my son are the very reasons I'm under the impression you'd point to and say 'this is the kind of thing that makes her not worth it'.

My answer is still.. yes. My kids may never fully emotionally heal from the trauma of the last 5 months of their lives. I -pray- they will find the strength.. but their chances for a true healing from this increase dramatically if they come home. IF IF IF WW becomes sincere about wanting to rebuild our marriage.. what a wonderful lesson we can teach our children about God.. forgiveness.. commitment.. love.. and family.



Heya Star*.. thank you very much for this. It's very much a win/win for me.. even if WW doesn't come home. I'm allowing myself to let go (I used to think it was something I had to -force-.. but in reality you have to -let go- of yourself a little too..). Maybe it's because I'm 5 months without her.. coming up on 6 right around valentines day. Maybe -my- withdrawl is nearing completion. I do feel like I'm coming out of the BS fog as it were, but sometimes also wonder if I'm not still in the denial and barganing phase of grieving. Some days I feel acceptance, denial, depression, barganing all at once and still have that 'knot in the pit of your stomache' feeling. There's still times I break down for no apparent reason.. the littlest things setting me off.

I'm learning a lot about peace though.. the peace that giving the problem over to God can bring.. the serenity prayer.. this is something -I- cannot change.. but I feel like I have courageously changed many of the things that I can change. I know I'm ready for the doorbell to ring.. I am being still, and waiting for the LORD to make WW ready to ring it. Just looking at the circumstances I see my LORD trying to show her the way.. she's just not listening.. not yet.. and maybe she never will. I guess I'll just keep praying.

James, I have only gotten thru about half of this thread so far. Now, I remember why I wasn't replying to any of your posts, because your situation required more about CUSTODY fights than Plan A, Plan B, when I was reading.

Up to page 25, I can still see that you are fighting for your family, and it seems, still to this day.

I think the bigger issue is that they are coming back because G-d is having them come back. We don't necessarily know what the right reason are or will be. We just have to seek his guidance when that happens.

Does that make sense. Partly this answer is coming from what SMB told me this morning. When they come back, we might never know the reasons, we just have to seek G-d for what we are to do with it.

And that's why I have FAITH that our M will be restored because G-d wants to claim that glory.

We just have to keep praying for guidance in walking in G-ds will, whatever that is.

SL.. yeah, this started out with me getting pretty well educated on trying to get DS. Honestly things really have only started happening since November.. She's been out of the house for 5 months now and really only the last 3 has she been receptive to anything.. mostly because I pulled back quite a lot, and then managed to find my way into a proper Plan A from a distance.


I know that's right.. I imagine it'd blow her mind if she comes talking recovery, and I ask her to stop and pray with me about it.


I too have that FAITH SG.. and trust that it will happen in God's perfect timing, and according to His will. I know He does not trample on free will.. but I'm seeing evidence of His Divine Influence in her life.. I pray that she has a moment of clear vision, clear hearing, and a softened heart to see it.


-------------------

The exchange tonight was vastly different again from last Wednesday and Thursday.. there was no conversation at all between WW and I this time.. she seemed pretty withdrawn again.. but DS got all the way to the van and then came running back up to the house to give me another hug.. then once he was strapped in called me over to give him another kiss..

WW was very patient throughout and didn't seem like she was in a real hurry but DS is really trying hard to prolong the little visits between her and I.. I love my little dude.

I love your little dude too. He is too cool. He reminds me of my granddaughter when she was about 2 1/2 and would come and spend the night with grandma. When momma came to get her, she would cry, cry, cry. Throw a fit, I wanna spend the night with grandma again. Grandma and momma would give in, but when momma would go to leave, GD would cry, cry, cry. Throw a fit. I want my momma. So I would grab her stuff and she would head down the sidewalk with her momma. Momma would strap her in and she would cry, cry, cry. Throw a fit. I want my grandma! What she really wanted was both of us.

It was amusing and heartbreaking at the same time to see her confusion. I can just imagine how it must feel for a little person to feel torn like this and feel any animosity between his parents. I know he doesn't get that from you and it looks like his mom is starting to settle down about that too. That's good. But I know it can be heartbreaking.

My prayers are going out for you and your little dude and that his momma will soon come to her senses and do the right thing. Kids can have a powerful influence over things when you least expect it.

Thank you so much for your prayers PM. I cherish everyone who has given of themselves and their love to pray for my family.

I too am praying that she sees what is happening in the lives of her children, and somehow begins to care about how this is affecting them.

God has, in me provided for her a way out if she would only take it. I know that on the cycle of things I have always been her 'rescuer'.. and in many ways doing so has enabled her and fed her sense of entitlement.

I know, unfortunately that I'm going to have to quietly stand back this time and let her hit bottom. She's removed my ability to save her from these choices.. and I fear she's lied to herself so much she actually believes me to be this terrible person, when in truth.. I may have been neglectful of our marriage.. but I have always given all I am to our family.. and the dreams we built together... and continue to do all I can. I just hope that once the bottom of the pit comes up and smacks her in the face, that she'll look up and see God and her Husband standing hand in hand with arms outstretched for her.

I think this morning's theme that bounces around my head is: I just want to be the BEST that I can be. LORD help me to do, give, and be the BEST of what You desire me to be.

Well, not much new to report last night.

I don't think WW made it to work yesterday, and not sure really what's been going on. I end up having to drive past where she works to pick up DD from swim practice, and the last couple of days she hasn't been there.. at least when I go past. Not going to chase my tail about it, but you all know how it is when it seems like something might be 'up'.

She answered the phone last night instead of DS, and once again he seemed really kind of down and depressed. He didn't talk on the phone with me for more than a few seconds just to tell me he loved me and let me tell him the same and that I'd be picking him up from daycare today. I didn't let myself get triggered when she picked up though, just asked to speak with DS.

Wonder if it's just me noticing that on nights that he's with her lately, he's been down and sullen.. I know the nights I've had him we've had a blast together.

This weekend is going to be fun though, picked up tickets for the monster truck show this weekend. DS -LOVES- monster trucks and his favorite is going to be at the show, so I picked up pit passes for DD, DS, and I to go hang out before the show and maybe meet some of the drivers and get up close and personal with the trucks he watches on TV. It'll be a special thing for him, and he's been looking forward to this for weeks. I -know- it'll do my heart some good to watch his face light up the way I'm sure it will.

Sent WW an email yesterday, just courtiously letting her know to call in the AM, and reminding her that we were going to be out of town on Saturday and why. Also told her that DSD's grandmother told me that DSD did very well at her performance last Friday, and to let her know how proud I was of her and that I love her. No response.. but then again, there's really no expectation either.

I continue to pray for God's intervention in her life, and the mass readings for today speak of Saul on the way to Damascus. This is another of the 'recurring' stories that have popped up in my devotionals lately. It's as if God is reminding me that no matter how deeply gripped by sin, or acts against God a person may be.. there is always hope that God can have a breakthrough with them, and they will 'see the light' and hear His voice.

I am still convinced of what I am meant to do, and give God the glory for strengthening my will and my heart so that I can be a beacon of hope for my wife, my children, and our families.

James,
I know we do not see eye to eye on some things with your situation. There is no doubt that I would handle things in a more direct fashion.

BUT...I have to tell you that your willingness to stand for your beliefs and allow God to work in both your heart and your WW's is touching. Is it best tactically? I don't think so. But, I can tell you that you have my respect as a man that stands for what he believes in. You are in many ways, wise beyond your years.

Thanks MEDC, it means a lot to me for you to post that. I've got the utmost respect for your opinions and what you're trying to accomplish here, and on other threads on this forum.

Hey.. maybe I'm getting the respect thing down in the midst of this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Keep on man, and don't let up.. I need the swift kick in the pants from time to time.