James -

Not much to add that hasn't already been said. Just wanted to let you know that you are doing great.

Wow, praise from MEDC. Good for you.

Stay strong and have a gread time with your kids this weekend.

James -

I've been following your thread. I'm not a 'believer' - I consider myself an agnostic - but I wanted to say that the strength your faith is giving you right now is inspring.

A friend of mine used to paraphrase Paul - "In all things, preach Christ...and if you have to, use words". Seems to me that's what you're doing. Carry on.

This is an assumption that letting her hit rock bottom is bad. This could be what G-d needs to happen ALL ALONG. We just don't know what he has planned for her or us.

Your FAITH and WALK is awe inspiring to me and I miss not talking to you as much, though I love reading about you and all the wealth of help you are getting. We are two very blessed people on here. NO DOUBT.

One day, this will have evolved into what it's supposed to evolve into it. And we are going to be the ones who will help others on here because G-d is creating that in us. Stay your walk, keep your FAITH and know how much you are admired and loved for your commitment to G-d, your M, your children and yourself. I am honored to be walking this part of the journey together.

Thank you all for your support of my faith and my stand.. I can't explain why but I'm actually feeling a little low today. No triggers really, but I just find my thoughts wandering to WW and a general 'feeling' that I 'need' for this to come to an end soon, one way or another.. I'm getting to the point where I feel almost as if I'm putting my life on hold to make this stand.

Truth is, these are feelings the enemy is stirring up in me. I'm sure of that. It's desirous impulses to go and claim a new life with a new woman to alleviate my pain in the short term, but would ultimately just prolong or delay any real suffering both for me and my children. I can't let myself go down that road.

At the same time I'm starting to feel how unhealthy it is for me to allow my thoughts to dwell on WW and playing movies in my head either of what she probably isn't doing as much of with WB as I 'fantasize' about.. the 'what if' game.. and then the movies of what I imagine life might be like once she comes back to my door wanting to come home.. It's a cycle that isn't healthy and prevents me from living in today.. I have to find a way to let go of that and truly give it over to God.. I'm trying.. God help me I'm trying.

Finding a middle ground here is difficult in that I almost feel like I need to have someone to fill that 'place' in my life.. I miss my best friend.. I miss having that 'someone' I can drop all pretenses around and who will appreciate me for who I am.. the good and the bad. I almost feel like I allowed myself to be defined as a husband and father, and have.. for all intents and purposes had my identity raped from me. There's some resentment there but I'm not going to hold on to it. The truth is I am still living as a husband and a father.. giving in those roles, but my Taker is screaming at me.. wanting some kind of return on this emotional investment.

I really wish Plan B were a real option for me.. I think I'm ready to go there.. I think it would be 'healthy' for me to go there.. but I know that I can't jepoardize my custody struggle for whatever 'chance' it may provide to recover my M.. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to recover -me- without disengaging..

Just a rough stretch today.. it helps a lot to get it out here..

I feel almost as if I'm putting my life on hold to make this stand.

You are.

Truth is, these are feelings the enemy is stirring up in me.

No comment on who's giving you those feelings. Generally there's nothing wrong with wanting to live your life and not be suffering. That's what we all want. Getting on with the divorce and then starting to casually date as soon as it's done is no crime. Dating right away isn't the best thing for your mental health (and wise women will keep their distance), but it's not unethical.

I'm with MEDC. I admire the way you find strength in your faith. I think you may romanticize what you're doing too much sometimes, but that could be a wrong impression. The truth is, both possibilities you're facing leave you somewhat miserable for much of the next two years. Objectively I don't think either is clearly preferable.

I think you're too quick to judge your alternatives as sinful.

GC (devil on James' shoulder)

{{{{{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}}}}}

There is no doubt you are walking through a difficult journey. And I know you know that G-d has FAITH in you to continue because you know why? When you have rough days, what do you do? You seek G-d, you rely on your FAITH, you keep to your unshakable path and you walk through the pain WHENEVER it hits. Plus you inspire so many of us who watch with awe. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just sometimes, there are just THOSE DAYS.... I find that the good think that helps. GO TO BED EARLY.

Wow you two.. it really is like having the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Glad Skinsgal didn't get stuck in traffic (Family Guy reference for those paying attention)...

GC.. your posts to me lately have really given me more to chew on than I probably let on in my posts. Don't think for a minute I don't find what you say valuable.. it just seems that it takes me a little longer to completely process it and digest it. Probably because I have to get to a point where I admit to myself that for whatever reason you manage to 'touch where it hurts' so readily.

I'm going to have to chew on this one.. meditate and pray and I can't promise a direct response on it as it may not be topical at the time when I come to a resolution about it.. but please know I give your posts a lot of weight for the reasons I spoke above.

SG: Between you, FIL, SIL, Mark, PM, Mimi and Mortarman I'm being held accountable to staying on the righteous path and keeping my eyes on God.. I don't know what I'd do without you guys.. Thanks for the occasional reminders.. you've become SO STRONG in your walk.. and it increases my faith to see the advice you're getting, and giving around here.. your walk with God is an amazing testimony as well.. you truly are a blessed woman.


I just need to shake this before I go pick DS up tonight. I'm sure just having him around will help.. but it'll probably preclude much of an opportunity to get to bed early <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

Monster Jam tomorrow!!!!! So no rest for the weary this weekend... I'll try to go to bed early Sunday night.. maybe.

Guess what the Psalm and Readings are today? LOL. You'll love it.

Psalms 117: 1 - 2

1 Praise the LORD, all nations! Extol him, all peoples!
2 For great is his steadfast love toward us; and the faithfulness of the LORD endures for ever. Praise the LORD!

Did you ever get yourself a G-d box where you could right your feeling, worry or whatever down and put it in there. That way you can feel like you are giving it to G-d to handle. That's what he wants you know.

James, We are both BLESSED.. And we are both WILLING to BE an EXAMPLE of commitment to OUR M and be BLESSED with whatever G-d has planned for us. We both WANT our M, but I think that we get stronger each day to ACCEPT what our future holds when G-d reveals it to us.

Besides.... our WW are idiots if they don't figure it out in G-ds time.

I feel the same way about my life being put on hold. But remember I was leaded to the story of Esther and she was being prepared for something that was beyond imagination on how good it was.

The wisdom my friend said about Esther was...
There are often times of silence
Look for subtle changes (i.e. the kind could not sleep)
Nothing is coincidental
When making unprecedented decisions wait for the Lord to unveil his plans..

And then she says....
When all seems lost - it isn't
When no one seems to notice... they do
When everything seems great - it isn't.
When nothing seems just - it is....

The best place on earth is in the King's gate...

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks for that SG.. I really needed it this morning.

DS and I just got done with breakfast and are getting ready to head out for the big monster truck show later today. He's running around playing with his toy cars and toy monster trucks getting pretty hyped for the whole thing.

It's such a night and day thing with him it seems.. he's always sullen and sounds down on the phone when I call lately, so I asked him about it.. you know what he told me? He said he didn't want to talk on the phone because 'you and mommy need to talk'.. he also said that 'mommy's going to come spend time at your house Daddy.'

Now he's 3, almost 4.. so I'm chalking a lot of it up to wishful thinking on his part.. but I can't help but wonder if she's had a talk with the kids about maybe coming home..

I know.. it'll drive me crazy if I dwell on it, but at the same time, I -know- DS is pushing really hard lately to prolong any possible encounter with me and WW... and honestly I 'see' it touching her when he does it..

Not dwelling.. just getting this out there so maybe it stops bouncing around my head so much..

Off to play with my boy!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}}

Put it in the box and let G-d take care of it for you. Remember he doesn't have grandchildren and his will is for your family to be restored.

Have fun. I want to hear all about it.

I would make a point to discuss this with her ASAP. It might be a window of opportunity...BUT at a minimum, you need to discuss this with her since I see your child as being very vulnerable and she needs to start doing a better job protecting his feelings before too much damage is done. Being sullen and down on the phone can be how you start the talk...and then bring up what he said.

Oh what a weekend.

The monster truck show on Saturday was amazing and DD and DS had a great time. DS got autographs from two of his favorite drivers and got to take pictures with all the trucks. The kids talked almost all the way home about how much fun it'll be to go back next year. Guess I'm on the hook there <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Woke up early for Mass on Sunday, and then hung out at my moms for a little while before DS and I returned home to deal with some domestic duties and to wait for WW to come pick him up. About an hour and a half before she shows up DS starts complaining about his tummy. I start to take him into the kitchen to get him something to drink to settle it down, but on the way there we get a reprise of the day's meal and snacks. I get him taken care of and get him a drink and a small snack to replenish himself while I clean up the mess. Afterwards he cuddles up with me on the couch and falls asleep until WW shows up.

I didn't get into the things he told me on Friday with her as the concern at that point in time was our little guy. I carried him out to the car, bantering lightly with WW about nothing in particular. She gets close as I get DS strapped in to the booster seat, and I found myself with my hand just lightly on her arm for a moment. She didn't pull away but her expression was a little odd as we watched eachother for a moment. I asked her to call me if DS wasn't feeling better after a nap.

Never received a call.... I'll ask him tonight how he's doing when I call.

Poor guy.. he had a really big weekend. I hate to see him sick at the end of it all.

This whole split time with the kids thing is horrible the way it makes you worry about them when you can't be there..

How's the little guy feeling tonight?

I can't imagine what it would be like to be separated from my kids, especially when you are as an amazing dad as you are.

[quote] Guess I'm on the hook there. {/quote] Ain't it great....

Well, I talked to him for a few minutes last night and DS is feeling better. Says he was playing all day.

Since they were still at the house I have to assume they did not take DSD to cheerleading practice last night. It's kind of frustrating on a few levels but there's nothing I can do about WW's commitment to her husband or her children, and admittedly I don't know all the circumstances.

I've been teetering on the edge of 'moving on' the last few days, and a lot of the thoughts that have been running through my head are similar to the ones Mortarman had back when he 'gave up' and totally Plan B'd his wife for a few weeks. I'm giving it to God and will remain where He would have me, but I think it may be time for me to pull back again.

Another step towards rock bottom for WW I suppose. Had a VM exchange with FIL last night, his interviews went well down in Louisiana, and it looks like he'll be moving in a few months to take a new job down there. I don't think there's been any contact between him and WW, so I doubt she even knows. I really don't want to see her relationship with FIL fall apart this way.. so part of me wants to arrange a face to face talk with her to tell her about all of this and encourage her to try to restore what she can of her relationship with FIL before he's no longer just across town for her, and for DSD and DS.. The other part of me just wonders if this isn't a time where I should just be silent and let WW face the consequences of her decision to shut out the people in her life who honestly know, love, and care about her. I can't imagine what sort of shock it would be for her to wake up one day and discover that her dad, who has always been her hero.. moved away while she was 'punishing' him with her silence.

I wonder also if it will occur to her that she is forcing that same experience onto DSD..

Tough thoughts for today.. I'm praying about it, asking for guidance. My thoughts now turn to a sign I saw on the way into work: Sometimes silence is the best answer.

James,

Sounds to me as if you moving on might not be a bad option. With the possiblity of her father moving away and her seeing you moving on with your life...it MIGHT make an impact.

She knows you are waiting at home for her. As long as she knows this..she can play house with WB for as long as she wants. However, if she sees the door to "home" closing...she just might jump through the open window. It's a long shot pertaining to her, but it might be just what you need to recharge your batteries.

My H showed no interest in coming home until I stopped showing interest in him being there. We always want what we can't have. Could be useful.

My my GC.. those words hit home hard.

It'd be easy for me to blame the wind on my restlessness last night, but I honestly don't think that was it. As windy as it was, and as hard as it was blowing, I think the storm in my head was louder.

Thing is, I can't point to any one thing that set me off last night, but as I climbed into bed I started my prayers in the usual way, asking for God to touch me and make my paths straight, and to touch my wife.. but then something seemed to come over me.. and I found myself begging, pleading for peace and comfort.. Which thankfully... the LORD provided.. eventually.

Here was the argument in my head last night:

I just want to get off the rollercoaster but I don't know how. I want to stop worrying about what is happening in her life, but I don't know how to insulate myself from it when I still get updates from DSD's grandparents, am still in contact with the IL's and need to have that information and contact for the custody stuff..

I'm so tired of the depression, the anger, the anxiety.. I'm heartsick at watching the woman I love with all my heart and soul run headlong towards her own destruction.. dragging our children along behind her.. I'm tired of coming home to an empty house and acting 'as if' everything is alright when I'm around family and friends..

I just want to be happy again.. I DESERVE to be happy. I'm just not sure I know how to really get to that place again. I've found that I can be 'content' with my life the way it is.. but this isn't happiness.. for the most part, this is anguish.. this is torture.. this is He11 on Earth.. every f'n day..

How does someone promise to love you and be with you through all of the trials and tribulations of life.. and not only bail out when things get a little uncomfortable, but then turn around and kick you in the nuts over and over again for good measure.. why? That's not even getting into the world of $hit that she's putting our kids through.. What purpose does it serve? It's like saying 'I loved you once enough to promise my whole life to you.. but since I'm breaking my word to you, taking your kids away from you, and leaving you holding the bag on everything we've built up for a life together.. I may as well not even be kind to you.. and while I'm at it, I'll blame you for everything too.'

I'm sick of it.. I just want the ride to stop.. I can't take it anymore. I can't live like this.. this isn't living. This is eating $hit and pretending to like it.. well.. I don't like it.

--------------------


So after going through all that.. I found myself praying again.. BEGGING God to lay his hand upon me and bring me peace.. begging for forgiveness for my -un-forgiveness- and anger.. forgiveness for my looking at other women and for the first time since I took my vows, letting my mind wonder what life could be like with her.. or her.. or.. that might be fun for a while.. surely she would treat me better than WW does.. Even WW's crackhead sister says I can do way better than her.. just about anything at this point would be a step up right.. etc.. It's not the way God wants me to think and feel.. it's those thoughts though I have a difficult time taking ahold of and putting them away.. and I find myself dwelling more and more on them.. I begged God last night to put them away for me.. to take my thoughts captive..

Finally.. and I'm not even sure what my last thought was.. but I felt my heart stop racing.. the nausia start to fade.. and I drifted to sleep..

God.. this is the hardest thing I have -ever- done in my life. I'll do it as long as You tell me to.. I'll do it the way You tell me to.. and I'll accept the outcome whatever it is as Your will for my life.. If I'm going to give up.. I may as well surrender to You.. rather than to the world whose wolves hungrily nip at my heels day and night.. If I am to go on though.. I -=need=- more strength.. I need something or someone to increase my faith.. I read and recognize the promises from the Word... It's a consistency of BELIEVING those promises will be fulfilled that I struggle with..

Thank goodness I have an IC session tomorrow night.. and will have DS tonight... I'm having another one of -those- days..

I almost wonder if I need to find some way that I can Plan B without potentially damaging my custody sitch..

How do I convey to her that the door is closing? If I can't go to Plan B.. and soon.. then I don't think I'm going to have anything left by the time the gavel hits on the D..

Tell her.

I agree with GC that she does not have any incentive to come home now so long as that option is there for her. She can do what she is most comfortable doing...which is staying put. Turn up the heat by letting her know that the option for her to come home is quickly disappearing.

How exactly does that look MEDC?

I'm not even sure at this point what to say to her to convey both the FACT that I want more than anything for her to come home.. but also the FACT that I can't do this ride too much longer before I have to get off just to preserve my own well being...

James,

When you talk to the IL's, do you talk about your WW? If you do, STOP. Go to Plan B. Judging from your argument with yourself, it's time. I have to agree with GC; there is something in the CHASE. Also, Plan B, to me, always shows that we're DONE with that person, and all their BS. When you Plan B, you take back your power.

As for your WW and her relationship with her father, it's not for you to help her sort out, James. These are her problems. You've got to let her suffer at her own hands, or she will never take responsibility for her life, and her choices (she may never do this; some people forever hide from it).

James, Stay out of it and let G-d do what he is going to do.

Hmmm, Go read Ark's Thread about Being Still.. It might help with insight.


{{{{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}}}}}
I TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY understand this. I understand all your pain. We are walking in such similar shoes and have for a very long time. I miss talking to you like we did a while back. But listen my sweet friend... You can't, but G-d can. Leave your troubles with him and let him guide you. When I read your words I see where I was a few weeks ago, and sometimes over the weekend trying to figure this out, do this, do that, worry about them.

LISTEN UP JAMES, THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO FOR THEM. THEY ARE IN G-DS HANDS. Please give G-d a break and let him stop worrying about you for a just a little while so he can concentrate on what he is doing in her life.

We CAN'T CONTROL THIS. We didn't cause it and we can't cure it. Only G-D CAN AND WILL IF WE LET HIM.

We don't know the outcome and all that matters is what you can do today. Just today. So, please take care of yourself, stop worrying about tomorrow and seek guide steps for you JUST TODAY.

I love you dude, I understand this turmoil. I live in it so much myself, but when I have the clarity like I do this morning, I remember who is in charge and who is working hard to turn this into good if we will just let him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />