I just found this. I don't know where I got it but it helped me tremendously in my darkest days...

MEMO FROM GOD
Effective immediately, please be aware that there are changes you need to make in your life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill my promises to you -- to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. I know, I already gave you the 10 Commandments. Keep them. But follow these 10 guidelines, also.

1. QUIT WORRYING- Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST- Something needs to be done or taken care of. Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to me. And although my to-do-list is long, I am after all, God. I can take care of anything you put into my hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME- Once you've given your burdens to me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on my list. Problem with finances? Put it on my list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For my sake, put it on my list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4. LEAVE IT ALONE- Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple. You gave me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with me and forget about them. Just let me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME- I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But, there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please don't forget to talk to me - OFTEN! I love you. I want to hear your voice. I want you to include me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH- I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in me that I know what I'm doing. Trust me, you wouldn't want the view from my eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE- You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT- I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes me a little longer than you expect to handle something on my to-do-list? Trust in my timing, for my timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9. BE KIND- Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for my sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF- As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only - to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes my heartache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget that!With all my heart I love you,God

Thanks for this SG.. I needed the memo for sure.

SL: I think the problem with Plan B right now is the impact it may have on my custody fight. I'm just trying to think of a way to do it.. where I'm still there for the exchanges and can be contacted regarding DS.. I can't do an intermediary for those things in my state.. I've checked.


SPEAKING of..

I got the following email from WW this morning:


So I called her at work.. asked for her and when they asked who was calling I told the lady 'Her husband'

She and I talked some.. and there was some tension as I resisted the urge to engage her implications that all he eats with me is fast food (REDICULOUS.. I did all the cooking when we lived together and granted, we eat out a lot more these days as cooking for 2 leaves me with a lot of waste.. but we RARELY go to fast food places).. other implications that he's -always- sick when he comes home from my house etc etc..

I told her he was typically fine at my house, and that there have been occasions he's been feeling ill but certainly it isn't the norm.

Well.. she made a Dr's appointment and I'm going to meet them there on Friday and then take DS with me for a 'makeup day' after the appointment.

Oh.. and she asked me in the future not to refer to myself as her 'husband' because it really confused the girls up front..

Guess I just exposed to her work?

There could be hygeine issues at WB's house. Pet dander, dust, mold, "sick house", something like that. Does WB or his parents smoke? How old is the carpet?

Since he (unfortunately) spends more time over there than with you, there is a greater percentage chance that his being sick is a result of something happeningn over THERE. Your WW is trying to gaslight you and make it seem as if YOU are doing something to make DS sick.

Weren't you trying to get an in-home family evaluation going to help with your custody fight? Seems like the fact that they STILL haven't moved out could work in your favor. Is there a way you can press for this to happen soon?

There could be.. and I mentioned on the phone that he's around a -lot- of people at that house etc and she said that DSD hasn't been sick at all.. so obviously it's something different with DS.

There's 5 dogs at their house.. one at mine so I'm sure the pet dander/hair thing is present both places.. I do a pretty good job keeping things cleaned up though, and from what I've seen when I've been over there it isn't a disaster.

WW and I both smoke.. and she has either quit or is trying to. Neither of us smoke around the kids.. I go outside to smoke even when at home so there's no issue there. Not sure how old their carpet is but my house is only 5 years old and I don't think there's any mold issues etc or problems with the carpet.. Plus I haven't changed anything at home as far as cleaning products or the cleaning routine and he wasn't sick all the time when he lived there.. so I doubt it's my house.

If your DS is in daycare AT ALL, I would expect him to be sick more often. My DS was in daycare, and got whatever illness was going around every month. He also got rotavirus every year for three years. Kids in close quarters all winter long are just swimming in a petri dish of bacteria and in a sealed room of viruses.

Now, as far as the smoking goes, QUIT. I thought you said you were going to quit a while back. I quit is 2001, and am so happy for it. YOu have to decide that you don't have a choice, that you aren't a smoker anymore for it to really stick, though.

SL.. I did quit, for a while.. and then hit one of my bumps in the road and took it back up. *sigh* I am dissapointed in myself for it and I'll try again..

Right now I just need to work up the willpower.. I've been using that kind of strength in other places lately.

He does go to daycare.. at least on the days I pick him up. I need to get with the daycare people and get updates on the sign in-sign out sheets.

I think she's just trying to play it up to see if the Dr will say that he's getting sick because he's over at my house.

I dunno... While I believe he does occasionally get the sniffles and a cough etc.. what kid doesn't? The symptoms she's describing now are flulike... which is viral and not environmental..

I'm not sure. .the way she keeps wording things makes me think this is more strategic than out of any genuine concern for DS... especially given the fact that with maybe 2 or 3 exceptions he's been A-OK when I hand him back off to her.

Ah, gratuitous scold for telling the receptionist who you are. This kind of cruelty turns my stomach and it's why I know that I'd never suffer a WW again. Standing there with open arms and a standing offer to accept someone who doesn't want me is just not for me anymore, attached or not. The thought makes me almost as queasy as a WW's indifferent dismissals. But fair play to you--I did it myself once, damn my eyes.

I didn't quit smoking until after my divorce was done. SL is right. As soon as you get comfortable knowing that you will never put another cigarette in your mouth, not even for one puff, not ever, that's when you're quit. I wasn't even a heavy smoker but the understanding of that hit me unexpectedly one day, like a switch getting flipped, and I never let any form of nicotine into my body again. Of course "never" has been just two years. And even now I fantasize about the comfort that would come from grabbing a pack of smokes, parking my butt on the porch, and getting after it. But man, it's such an outrageous way to do yourself harm.

GC... see, that's the part of the bigger picture that I just don't get. It's the 'why oh why does she have to be like this to me? I'm not the one destroying this family, wrenching the kids out of the arms of a loving parent and taking up with some scumbag!'

Ugh..

This is the type of thing that makes me want off the thrill ride..

I just don't know if I can take the abuse any longer..

How does it look? OK, fair enough.

WW, you know I have been hanging on to the hope that you would come home and work on our marriage. I have held out about as long as I can. I don't have the strength to keep this together any longer. If you have thoughts of coming home, now is the time. If not, I am going to need to let you go forever and our only communications from this point forward will be centered on our sons well being. I truly want this to work, but I find with each passing day that you are living with another man, my ABILITY to hold on to my love for you and a hope for a brighter future for us is slipping away. I want you to come home...I want our family together...I need that now if it is to happen.

I hear ya man. Its been one of the hardest things for me to get over.

I mean, ok, so have an affair, betray yourself, your family, your vows. Fine, if that's who you are, thats who you are. But WHY did you feel the need to ATTACK me further while you were doing it?! As if all that wasn't enough?

I understand somewhat now that in order for the A to happen in the first place the WS mentality turns the BS into the enemy. But the worst part about the A isn't the sex with another person, its the utter disrespect and meanness towards the BS that comes along with it.

No answers for ya Jamesus, just commiseration.

James:

Don't say anything 2 your WW, just do what you need 2 do for you and your kids.

I don't think you need 2 go 2 plan B, because you're in plan D at the moment.

Put the kids first, suck up the hurt you're feeling, and do what you know is right.

How long have you been on the rollercoaster? 5 months or so?

I know this is hard, but you need 2 realize that this could take a couple of years 2 get through, whether it's 2 a recovered M or a recovered-and-able-2-cruise-chicks-again Jamesus.

What does Jennifer say?

-ol' 2long

James,

Realize a few things here. First of all, YOU are the one going through this...not Jennifer. While she can offer guidance, only you can decide when you have had enough. Second, her living with the OM and YOUR son for 2 years is and then coming back seems ridiculous. Do not think of this as a two year plan since your son is in the middle of this!

Also, ask yourself what got you to the present state of affairs??? From the outside looking in, it has been appeasement. Perhaps it is time to change strategies.

Just a thought.

Well, not wanting 2 get sucked back on2 MB in a big way, let me just say this:

*Right, this isn't Jennifer's marriage, but it is her brother's forum. And she is Jamesus' MB coach. I think he should THINK before he acts, and act based on what his HEAD tells him he should do, not his FEELINGS, (of hurt), which can and will change over time.

*Jamesus' WW coming back ever may or may not be ridiculous. There have been tougher si2ations on MB since I came here that have taken a year or 2 in order for the WS 2 come around, in the cases where they have. 5 months is nothing.

*I certainly wouldn't advise he compromise with regard 2 his kids and custody. I don't think he is.

*I think Jamesus' behavior is wearing on the affairees in a positive way. But more important, their fantasy world will crumble at some point anyway. Jamesus just has 2 stay out of the way when it collapses.

*graycloud worked through his pain of his xW's affair because he had no alternative. Now he's on the other side, and recovered.

*Time is on Jamesus' side. It's running out for his WW, and her get home free card may expire before she realizes she can cash it in. WSs don't know the BS is recovering without them - they think they can keep them "in the wings" indefinitely.

*With sufficient time, so long as Jamesus isn't engaging his WW with her nonsense on her turf and dragging himself down in the process, he'll simply ease in2 life without his WW. Some of us have done that without getting divorced - we've made it through the "surviving infidelity" process, and won't suffer a relapse. I think graycloud understands what I mean, even though he "did it" via a divorce.

-ol' 2long

Looks kind of like a pared down pre-PBL.. I think I get the picture.


TRUTH I say... TRUTH!



Yeah.. Steve said to me on the radio if I can give it 2 years I should be ok.

Jennifer however said that only I would know when I was truly ready to go to Plan B.. and what those indicators were.. and agreed that it would be best for the custody sitch, if possible to wait until after the D.. but also understand that Plan B loses a lot of it's value after the paperwork is in place.


This too is all too true.. and in this case I'm going to give myself a week or two.. if I still feel the same way a week from now, it'll be time to have that talk.



Nope.. not even for a second.



Her get home card doesn't exactly come for free.. but this is the danger, and why I feel I ought to throw the warning out there that time -is- running out.

SHE IS A WAYWARD and ALIEN..

She doesn't care about ANYTHING BUT HER NEXT FIX AND HERSELF

This isn't about us. I am FINALLY REALIZING THIS...

We are just the collateral damage....

It hurts nonetheless.....

You can warn her all you want.

You can argue with her until you're blue in the face.

You can burn emotional calories trying 2 convince her that your perspective of the si2ation has merit.

But she won't "get it" until she gets it on her own. If anything, she'll convince herself that you're "proving" she made the right decision - no matter what Jamesus says or does - because that's what she needs 2 do 2 support her behavior. Period.

Why give her anything at all, if she's simply going 2 reinterpret it 2 justify what she's doing?


A BIG part of letting the WS hit bottom is letting them realize, on their own and in their own sweet time, that the BS has recovered and doesn't need them anymore 2 live well.

-ol' 2long

I guess then I need to figure out the trick to living well..

Right now I'm a mess.. and I don't get to see my son until Friday..

Ugh..

I really was looking forward to getting to see him tonight.. sick or not.

James, 2long might be right about some...others, as has been evidenced right here on these boards, need a wake up call.

I too think you should "think" before you act. I just don't think sitting back and waiting two years is okay in this (or any other situation). 5 months...going on 6 now is a long time...it isn't nothing just because others have endured longer periods of time. Your son is also being used as a pawn here.

We talked on the phone 4-5 months ago. Agressiveness would have served you well back then...hindsight is 20/20...

I think giving yourself that week or two is a good idea. Take your "pulse" and decide what is in your best interests...and then act on it. Whatever you do James, I will be in your corner.

And James, you did not have to agree to tonight. You are just as capable of taking care of your son. BTW, the stress she is adding to his life will make him sick...being outdoors will not.

James:

I'd call and talk 2 your son if you don't get 2 see him 2night. But I would tend 2 agree with medc on this issue - what difference does it make where he is if he isn't feeling well?

Your car would likely be all toasty and warm and comfy by the time you got over 2 their house 2 pick him up.

5 months *IS* "nothing". EVEN IF your W were 2 come home 2morrow, statistically you've got 2-5 YEARS of recovery ahead of you. So does she (though it's certainly possible she'll just do it all over again with another OM, rather than face her "demons"). That's just the way it is.

You are on a low in the rollercoaster right now. It's no fun dealing with it, but it's necessary. It's part of the process.

-ol' 2long