Oh, for certain I will be calling her to task and documenting and presenting each and every time this kind of crap happens.

I'm keeping a good journal here.. it's long and detailed but I plan on picking -major- points out to keep on hand when this goes to mediation/court.

SUCH AS... yesterday DS did not go to daycare, and I have to assume that since she is making it out to be that he has been sick since coming home from my house that he didn't go to daycare yesterday due to illness.. I WAS NOT NOTIFIED.. I WAS NOT GIVEN RIGHT OF FIRST REFUSAL.. no.. she just left him with her boyfriend and went to work.

Oh.. it's in the notes for sure.

Now what my lawyer does with all that remains to be seen.

MEDC.. I did read that article earlier today.

It's a nice notion. now whether or not it passes remains to be seen.


2long: You're probably right about a lot of that stuff.. I'm not sending any letters today.

What Jamesus wants: WW to come home, for the right reasons. NC with WB, and a commitment to making our marriage and family be the best it can be.

This is a good, honest answer, and 2long is right - you need to reach a different mindset, and you will. I think you're still in a state of need and desire. There's nothing about the textbook outcome you describe that makes it fundamentally better for you. I don't say this to persuade you against hoping for it. But this outcome you seek is absolutely not the answer to your suffering. It protects your attachment and gives your children parents who are married, fine. But it also gives you a marriage that is just incredibly damaged. And if you wind up with your wife, it will be no picnic. There are some very rough things you have to go through, I mean, horribly painful conflicts, lasting for many years if not the rest of your life, which you are free of if you do not wind up reconciled with this woman. And you deserve to be free of all that. Your offer of participation is purely voluntary.

WW's read "I will not, blah, blah, clingy, needy, pitiful, holier-than-WW, blah blah blah..."

Definitely don't send.

I second that, but I think sending it wasn't your intention anyway, which is wise. I also agree that the "I will always love you" stuff is something you need to think harder about.

Writing letters like this is hugely useful. They provide snapshots of where you're at, and they reveal truths about yourself that you may not see clearly through the fog of all the loss and pain and day-to-day horse$h!+.

Sending letters like the one you wrote has very little value. There is no arrangement of words on a page that can have any lasting effect on your WW.

I really didn't plan on sending that letter, but the response I got from a few posters here was interesting.

Got my IC appointment tonight, and I'm going to make sure we deal with my current mindset. A lot of what we've been talking about lately has been WW and what I percieve as going on over on the other side of the fence.

Tonight I'm going to make sure the focus of our session is on me. I've got to figure out a way to get my head right so I can get through this.

I do still love my wife, and I know that should she come back through that door we have a -ton- of work to do, and I know it's not going to happen overnight.. won't happen in a month or two.. but should she turn around at some point and -want- this.. RIGHT NOW.. I'm game to try.. and with God's help I'm sure we will make a wonderful marriage.

I notice that many of the people posting to me now have not recovered their marriages from infidelity.. I'm NOT discounting your opinions because of this, but please understand that marriage recovery is still one of my goals.

This point of reference was crucial in the restoration of my own marriage. I.DID.NOT.WANT.TO.LET.GO. But when I did... things started happening fast. I'm not saying this will or will not happen in your case James, but sometimes we just gotta get out of the way.

I really wish you could go to a PLAN B right now because I feel like that would make a world of difference. I understand that you can't because of the custody issue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> So I guess the next best thing is to not go out of your way to see WS and when you do, to be only cordial.

And it really amounts, at some point, 2 nothing more than playing over mental recordings of what you imagine might be happening or might happen at some fu2re date. At the expense of living NOW, and taking full advantage of the skills your IC acquired by going 2 school for their credentials.


YES!


And this is right that you should want this and be ready for the work ahead. A big part of working with your IC on YOUR mindset is related 2 also changing your focus from expecting this or any other "mental video scenario" 2 become the ac2al outcome, 2 allowing what's "right" (living by example) 2 unfold. "Letting go and letting God" in the best spirit that you religious folk units use that phrase.


Well, I've recovered my marriage after infidelity, though at various times over the past few years I've been "accused" of "settling".

One thing that I think is ac2ally pretty easy for truly *recovered* married or no-longer-married people 2 see from the "other side" of infidelity is that it isn't as important, after slogging through the infidelity mud, WHO you're with (FWS or someone else or nobody) as it is who YOU ARE NOW as a result of the character-building experience YOU have lived through.

It's always going 2 be about you, not your W. And not the A.

It's called "wisdom."

-ol' 2long

James -

Nothing wrong with your statement. Plan A is difficult when the WW hardly acknowledges your existence. At the same time you cant go into Plan B to remove yourself from the chaos because of custody issues.

However I want to say I agree when MEDC comes in and gives you a tap - you are in this fight to save your DS. Somehow the priority may have shifted. Currently you are being slowly replaced by WB as DS primary male role model. This alone should piss you off. Hmm - why didnt WW allow you first refusal - she would like to break or hinder the bond between you and son if possible. Did she not do that with her first husband?

You must take her to task. You must find a way to legally gain custody of your son by any means. Where are you at on the home evaluation? What is your status of the check list or line of ducks that you counted down a month or two ago.

Is your DSD still sleeping in a pre-teen boys bedroom? Where is your DS sleeping at night? I never heard of a family setup in all my life - it has got to be one dysfunctional group of folks.

Need to keep your focus on you and your child. You cannot help DSD now perhaps later during her teenage or young adult years - lord only knows she will need help.

She will have to crash under the weight of her poor decisions. She was making them before you came on the scene and still making them now and will in the future.

You deserve better my friend. Dont settle for being a dad for 8 days per month.

Believe me guys.. I may not be going into details about the custody thing here, and there's reasons for that with what I can take chances on her coming across and what I can't.

I'm in that fight 100%..

I don't know that that means that I cannot still make the effort to recover my M and fight for my whole family at the same time. It's not an either/or proposition for me.

IC last night says that what I'm going through now is one of probably many large dips, and that she more or less expected something like this to happen since I'd been 'doing so well' for the last month or two. She also said that now is not the time to be making long term decisions or deciding to give up on my stand for my M.

While she doesn't hold out much hope for WW to change this pattern in her life without some major event taking place that wakes her up from the fantasy world she's created for herself.. it's going to take time for me to get to 'done' and she says that I'm not even close to being there yet.

I realize that the situation she is living in is not good for the kids. I can realize that all day long but until the courts and my WW realize that, my hands are tied by the temporary orders.

-------------------

Ok, all that being said.. I need some Plan A help for today. I'm leaving work at noon so that I can meet WW at the Dr's office with DS so that we can find out why he's been sick so much lately. IC is pretty sure it's related to the stress of the separation/divorce.. and I'm inclined to agree with her. She says this is pretty typical that young children are or act sick a lot once the 'parents' start to calm down from the initial animosity divorce tends to create. I'm curious to see what the Dr says.

I'll be taking DS with me after the appointment, and spending the evening with him since I missed out on my Wednesday.

I'm in a good headspace today.. IC got me facing some issues with myself, and is helping me move through some of the denial I've been holding on to, and helping me get to acceptance and letting go. PM's words are pretty encouraging that things started happening pretty fast once she let go.. and I'm seeing that as a pretty common thread throughout MM's sitch and other situations that are similar to the stuff I'm going through with my WW. Letting go seems to be the answer.. either to personal recovery, or to getting WW to see that I'm not going to be holding the door open forever.

There may be something fairly profound to that notion as well, and I go back to the words she sent me on our anniversary.. that if she had it to do over she'd marry me all over again.

I half way wonder if this was a deliberate message on her part saying 'if this doesn't work out.. I want to come home'.. now I know this isn't the conditions under which I want her back.. but it does speak a lot to the mindset -before- she walked out... and has got me back to praying.

Really folks, I'm going to continue my walk with God.. placing my steps where He directs me. I'm NOT NOT NOT giving up on getting custody of DS. Still no word about when the custody eval will start, but the longer this goes on.. the more opportunities she has to screw up with the kids.. and the more opportunities for real life to start setting in and for her and WB to start LBing eachother... and for her to start driving wedges in her friendship with CoWorker and CAMCH.

I know that God is at work.. I know WW has the free will to obey or be disobedient.. I know her choices have ensnared her in disobedience.. I know the road home is difficult and she is unlikely to choose the difficult road... I know that God is a great influencer of people.. I know that her situation is not as rosy as she'd like for me to believe it is... and I know that I am a strong man, a devoted husband, and a good dad.

I will be the lighthouse.

Given the waiting room and waiting for the Dr to show up in the exam room I think this is going to be one of the best Plan A opportunities I'm going to have.

I almost wonder though if I shouldn't just keep quiet and see if -she- will break the silence today. Let go and see if God presents me with an opportunity.

Yes. See my last post to ILA on the importance of listening instead of talking. I really feel it is good Plan A etiquette. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Believe me guys.. I may not be going into details about the custody thing here, and there's reasons for that with what I can take chances on her coming across and what I can't.

This reminds me of something I've meant to tell you. You probably already know this but it bears repeating:

Consider nothing you post here to be confidential, no matter how sure you may be about the people involved.

Furthermore, do not think of this discussion thread as something you want to keep secret. I don't mean that you'd want your WW to see it, but assume that sooner or later she'll find it and read it and don't sweat it. As long as you don't write anything specific about your legal strategy, you have nothing to worry about. Sheeeit, you could send WW a bullet list of plan A / plan B information with the title "My Strategy for Convincing You to End Your Affair and Come Home" and it wouldn't make much difference. So don't get in a twist about secrecy. It's not that important, except when it comes to court-related stuff.


It is profound. Letting go of your attachment is the key to everything. It's the key to getting rid of her, it's the key to getting her to come home, it's the key to repairing yourself if she doesn't do what you want. It's the holy grail.

GC

This is truly one of the most profound things I have ever heard and I for one plan to walk through this and say that who I became was a woman of G-d and someone that he is truly proud of.

Morning James, I am watching you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well folks.. the visit to the Dr went well.

I arrived about 10 minutes early.. she arrived about 15 minutes late. I'd already taken care of the insurance, co-pay, sign in stuff and we didn't have to wait long. She called and gave me some sob story about the copier being broken at work. Went on about how I didn't have to pay the co-pay etc.. how that was something she was supposed to do. I told her that I was just trying to be nice since she'd mentioned that money had been tight. She said she just got paid and everything was ok now... a thank you might have been nice, but oh well.

Dr says DS's chronic problems are probably environmental.. the dogs.. says that even though I don't smoke around him or expose him to 2nd hand smoke that it may contribute to it.. something about nasal viruses being aggrivated in smokers and more contagious to children etc.. looks like it's time to quit... and probably gives WW the ammunition she had been looking for. Honestly though folks.. the kid has the flu.

He had some redness and puffiness around his right eye and it was really bothering him. Dr. didn't seem too worried, and that it was probably just his sinus infection getting into the eye. He has fluid in his ear etc.. kiddo is really sick. Course it's going around town.. I'm not suprised especially with all the temp fluctuations.. I've not been immune to it either but haven't been around DS while sick either.

DS and I got to hang out and get some time in last night after the Dr appt, and the exchange went pretty much wordlessly when WW came to pick him up. I didn't open the door until after I'd gotten DS bundled up and got my hug and kiss.. didn't walk out to the van this time..

Went out and hung out with a few friends last night afterwards.. and I really think I'm to the point where I'm ready to get on with my life and stop worrying about her. I haven't had to ride the rollercoaster, and even accounting here for what happened yesterday isn't 'bothering' me like it did before.

DD had a music competition this morning and got gold medals for her trio and her solo work.. really proud of my little girl. She can play clarinet much better than her daddy ever could.. and I was no a slouch on the licorice stick when I was younger.

Came home and took a nap.. think I'm going to do some laundry.. some picking up.. some video game therapy while I wait on the laundry to be done.. and then I may rejoin the friends from last night and keep this little ball rolling back uphill from the valley I had on the tail end of the week.

So, how was your weekend?

The rest of the weekend went pretty well.

Spent most of it with DD or hanging out with friends. I'm rarely 'alone' these days which is helpful.

The weekend and the week so far has really been a lead in to today. Today is Ash Wednesday, and the beginning of Lent.

I'll be fasting until the evening meal for the next 40 days, quitting smoking, and committing to working out regularly and making all but the fasting a -lasting- change in my life. I never want to smoke another cigarette again... and I need to start using my weight bench again instead of pounding the 32 oz. curls <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

I'm really looking at this Lent as -my- 40 days in the desert.. and I'm ready to be tempted, tested, and tempered.. ready to come out of these 40 days a stronger man, a stronger dad, and a stronger Christian.

I still have a lot of love for my wife, but my ability and willingness to deal with her crap these days is waning quickly. I'm finding it pretty easy these days to just ignore the little things she does to intentionally try to bait me into arguments. I think I'm pretty much done trying to make nice right now.. I just want to get on with my life. If she comes back before the D is final, great.. we'll work on this.. if she comes back after the D is final.. well, hopefully for her I haven't moved on by then. I'm giving myself until September before I start allowing myself to look around..

I'm told a year for every 5 years of marriage.. that'll give me a year, and we only had 3 years.. so I figure I ought to be fairly clear. That's not to say I'm going to rush out and immediately find someone.. that's just when I'm taking the lock off..

Now all that may change depending on the custody situation.. if by some miracle I can wrangle primary custody from WW.. that period will probably be much longer as I want to make sure DS has plenty of time to settle into new routines and make sure he knows that HE is my top priority, and always will be, regardless of who daddy might be seeing while he's off at his moms.

I still think about the future.. but it's not empty without her anymore when I consider it.. Actually I see myself smiling, enjoying living, and having the company of others around more. I didn't realize just how cut off I was from my old friends when I was married.. WW was never really sociable so we mostly just stayed at home, and I missed out on hanging out with my buddies. Not anymore folks.. I'm not sitting at home bouncing off the walls anymore.. if I get bored I'm going to either work out, or go out... either way.. I'm not allowing idleness anymore in my life. I can be still without SITTING STILL..

Good morning,

I can hear the healing in you today.

Do you have certain things other than giving up what you spoke about, do you have certain things that you do as well for yourself internally?

Yes you can.

Wow, you sound good today. Enjoy it, treasure it and build on it. The stat about a yar for 3very 5 years took the air out of me. That means I will take 5 years. There is a part of me that gets angry thinking that my life could be put on hold for 5 years while WH lives a brand new happy life. Regardless of whether it is or not, he thinks it is and acts happy.

Our WW's are similar in how they just walked away. I am so impressed by your strength...

You already know the real answer to this SG.. the BEST thing that I have done for myself throughout all of this, is cultivate a deeper relationship with God. I start my day praying scripture, throughout my day when I feel anxious or depressed, I pray.. God has been good to me, even these past few months. I'm financially stable where many BS's struggle just to make ends meet.. I have family around me (hers -and- mine) supporting me at least even if they don't support standing for the M.. I'm learning who my real friends are.. I -feel- better about myself as I've examined my life against what the Word says I ought to aspire to.. and have found new goals and new persuits to fill me with a sense of accomplishment through that..

Letting go of WW, and managing expectations is the key though.. That's why I haven't been posting a lot lately.. even coming here to deal with WW is giving her more influence over my thoughts and my life right now than she deserves. I'm done investing my emotional energy on her unless or until she's ready to invest herself in doing what it takes to heal this family. If that never happens, it's her loss.. not mine.. not anymore.


That kind of thinkin is stinkin SG.. puts you back in the victim role.. You aren't a victim unless you choose to be one. Snap that rubber band and get back to being the warrior goddess you are.. you're no victim.. Just like me, you're an unlikely hero fighting for what you believe in and care about.

Besides you already acknowledge the truth in your statement.. he's not really happy.. well, perhaps in the fleeting moment.. but he's a miserable, sick, sick person right now.. just like my wife. Oh on the outside and to everyone she looks and acts like everything is wonderful.. and I'm sure she honestly believes it is.. but down the road, when her children finally realize what a disgusting person she's become.. what she chose to leave and then drag them through.. even if it never gets worse than it is.. she's going to have to deal with kids who understand that she chose her own self indulgence over what was best for them.. time.. and time again.

It still surprises me how similar our paths are in this walk.

You are so right. Thank you.... LOL, I just snapped and it broke. I'll need to get me another one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

yes he is. And one I can't stand to be around actually.

Same deal over here. I remember the night he told me he wasn't coming home he said, I'm tired of putting others first and he wants to put himself first which he has done. I hurt for him, even though HE IS CHOOSING, but I love him and hurt for him over the loss of time and memories with his kids.

The only diff here is you are the one not to have your kids and that truly SUCKS a BIG ONE.

Workin on trying to turn that suckage around.

Hearing set on the 15th between my counsel and hers to either argue or agree on the motion for the custody eval my guy put in for on Friday.

The D-train is moving again.

This "statistic" is lame-brained high school talk. It's worse than useless.

If you've been together long enough to have a long-term attachment (see the work of Helen Fisher) it will take a few years to slog your way through having been dumped by someone because of an affair. It usually takes longer for men. It is not uncommon for men who did not initiate their divorces (and who had no prior history of depression) to suffer from depression five years later. The same phenomenon is rare in women.

GC

Well.. that puts me in a hopeful place of course Graycloud.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

At any rate, I think WW's consistently nasty and pointlessly hostile behavior towards me is really going a long way towards me not feeling too bad about the need to get on with my life. At this point I've reached almost indifference at how she'll respond to anything that is happening.

Honestly the return isn't worth the emotional investment at this point. The woman I married.. or -thought- I married and would live the rest of my life with is dead to me.. even if WW comes home it would be entirely different. That isn't to say I wouldn't be willing to work on things with her.. but I don't ever expect to see my wife again.

I have to heal and live my life for me and my children. That's what I'm going to do. If she hops on board before her seat is taken, great.. if not.. so long.