"If she hops on board before her seat is taken, great.. if not.. so long."

I love that line.

I haven't been around here all that long, but my situation is similar to yours. I feel for you, but really admire the attitude you are starting to take. I have just recently been feeling the same way, letting go is the best action that can be taken, regardless of the outcome.

Stay strong, and good luck with the custody.

Thanks FPF <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I've been looking at your sitch from time to time and wow.. it just really blows my mind how similar these things really are.

At once it makes you hopeful that things will resolve themselves according to a set pattern.. but the truth is that it's the timelines that tend to vary rather than the ultimate outcomes.. some people can hold on longer than others.. and then for some, the holding on just isn't worth the pain anymore.

I'm ready to get in my car and drive.. I'd love to have my beautiful, smart, loving wife beside me.. but I can drive just fine on my own.

James,

It's been a while so I wanted to check in see what's been going on in your world. I've been coping with the fallout of my relationship so it's been hard to give the necessary energy to others.

First off I think it's good you are feeling the way you are.

The isolation thing preA is a big red flag. The other is the fact she's been in another marriage previously and she's only 27.

In my mind your WW will come back once you are disengaged but for the wrong reasons. Those wrong reasons have to fill her need to be desired, and endless void if you will. Without her getting counseling she won't change the behavior patterns that got her into an affair in the first place.

Your WW has to hit rock bottom to change. The problem is I think her rock bottom is so low that if she hits it you'll want nothing to do with her.

The biggest thing is to take care of you DD, DS and DSD (if you can) I'm afraid that DSD is going to have some serious issues when she gets older and may follow in the path of adulterous relationships.

It may be time to detach a bit from this board so you can view things with an observing ego. That is to say look at what is happening without judgement so you can detach more easily.

Detachment is love. It's love of self and that's the only thing you can control at this point.

Heeey Infodude!!!

I had been wondering about you lately. I'm glad to see you seem to be doing pretty well. I totally understand the coping/grieving process.

I'm not so sure she will come back once I completely disengage. With no PBL or anything to explain to her why I'm not sticking my toe in the cesspool anymore I'm sure she'll just go headlong into whatever crap her choices throw at her. It'll always be someone elses fault.. her choices don't come with consequences in her mind. If she does, that's wonderful and will be a suprise.

Honestly I'm detaching now out of self preservation. While I still love my wife, and DSD.. it's very unhealthy for me to try and persue a relationship with either of them right now. WW doesn't want to have to look at the reality of her choices.. and has actively discouraged DSD from persuing a positive beneficial relationship with a man who stepped up in the Dad role when she absolutely needed him to.

Her entire goal right now is to lose nothing.. she has DSD, she has DS, she has a replacement for me in her life, and is trying to replace me in DSD and DS's lives too. She's replaced her family (the IL's) with his family and is merrily going on her way. It's not me who has forgotten that blood is thicker than mud... once she and WB start LBing eachother on a regular basis I'm sure the coworker friend will show her true stripes. She's not even committed to being a good mother to her kids and protect them from adultery being committed in her home, or to protect her son from becoming an OM/homewrecker.. I highly doubt she's going to care any more for someone she didn't squeeze out of her womb. She's such a fake person anyway.. smile to your face, and twist the knife in your gut.. but at least she's loyal enough to lie on the witness stand for a friend right? ugh.. *shudder*


You're probably right about this.. I'm not even sure at this point what rock bottom would look like for her.. apart from the fact that once this falls apart, she'll have alienated the man who truly loves her, her family, her friends.. she'll have nothing but her and her daughter.. and one day, when DSD and DD see what ****** their mother put them through for her selfish indulgences and inability to accept responsibility for her choices.. she won't even have them.. that might be bottom for her.. and while I'll pity her.. by then I imagine I'll have long since moved on.


I am detaching a little bit from the boards here too. I've got some other things I can focus on in my life, but the support and advice I've received here has been invaluable. Also, if I can help others at all with what I've learned so far, or even be a witness of what peace God can bring if only we trust in Him for the outcome.. then I'll have made a difference.. which is important to me.

I'm rebuilding a new and improved Jamesus.. it's a work in progress, but I'm liking the way it's shaping up.

Day 2 of being a non-smoker... I'm doing fine actually.. no overwhelming cravings.. not edgy.. not irritable. I'm actually very calm and peaceful.

Not sure if it had anything to do with not smoking, but I had a heck of a time trying to sleep last night.. tossed and turned, and woke up a few times in the middle of the night.. very odd for me.. some WW anxiety but was able to pray that away for the most part.

Last night went pretty well. After picking up DD from swim practice we went to eat and then went to the Ash Wednesday Mass. Found SIL and sat next to her during the Mass. She seemed like she was having a rough time on her own, and we didn't talk much. Not sure to make anything out of that, she did mention that it had been a really rough week. I'll be praying for her.

After Mass we came home and played on my new laptop a little bit. DS thinks it's pretty cool now that I've got it all tweaked out the way I like it. I got him signed up for some cool monster truck stuff online, and his birthday is coming up. Nice thing about his birthday is that since it's an even year, I get him on his birthday.. which will give me a Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday with him in two weeks. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm STOKED!

I'm debating whether or not to invite WW to a birthday dinner.. I'm thinking I probably won't.. these are the consequences of her decision to lead a separate life.. she won't get to celebrate his birthday with him ON his birthday and won't be with him the weekend after either.. not my problem.

I will of course invite DSD.. but don't figure on her showing up.. WW is still ****** bent on it being about loyalty for DSD. Forcing the kids to 'take sides'.. ugh.. makes me almost ill just thinking about what kind of person puts their kids through that... an alien kind.. that's what kind..

Yes.. I'm angry, boiling just below the calm and tranquil surface.
Yes.. I resent the destruction of my family for her self indulgant and immature 'desires'.

I am, however giving these things to God.. I can only live today and do the best I can with what is NOW. D-train is rolling, custody eval stuff is going to court for whatever agreement the atty's need to make on the 15th..

Meantime... I'm riding out the storm by dancing in the rain.

Good job. I quite about Jan 6th. Tried cold turkey for a bit but gave in and got the patch (buy step one and cut them in half). After a few days I read the information/indications about the patch. Vivid dreams are a symptom and wow I've had plenty. Just last night I swam down a river and over a waterfall.

Anyway...it's worth it. I'm past the hacking stage and excercising vigorously to avoid the weight gain which would otherwise surely accompany quiting.

Keep it up. Just don't go buy any and then there's none around to smoke when you are weak. Nicotine is tougher to quit than crack. At least for me it was...lol.

Hope things change for you with the wife. Looks like you are in for the "wait for the affair to die naturally" timetable. It happens. Off the boards I still speak with a couple of guys that have long been divorced and like clockwork one of them got his ex-wife out of her live in OM situation and they are taking things slowly but apparently reconciling. When the light bulb goes off...your real wife can and most likely will reappear. Obviously, some just never do.

Good luck,
Mr. Wondering

Thanks Mr.W... been missing you around here.

I'm looking forward to being free of the bondage that is smoking. It's a huge money pit, makes me smell bad, makes me self conscious.. and honestly.. my kids are going to need me well into their lives at this rate, to hopefully mitigate the damage being done to them now by WW.. I'm going to have to be around for that.. and this ensures that I ought to be around at least a little longer.

I'm not suffering too many cravings, and I'm not letting my mind wander too much on it. I refuse to buy any even to 'taper off'.. and therefore when I'm at home and hanging out, there's nothing around when I start thinking about wanting one.. which helps.. the 'itch' typically lasts for about 5-10 minutes and then I can move on and be ok... I'm sure it'll get better with time. I'm told after day 3 it's a downhill jog.. and then after a week you're good to go so long as you never pinch another butt between your lips.

I too hope things change for my wife.. but as much as I hope for that, it's really out of my hands. I've put her in God's hands and she's His to deal with now. I'll be friendly when I must.. but I've pretty much decided to have nothing to do with her if at all possible. She does nothing to enhance my life right now, and plenty to try and tear me down.. I don't need that.

I just hope, for her sake, and the sake of my kids that the light bulb goes off sooner than later. I'm not going to sit around waiting on her.. I'm getting on with my life. I'm actually doing pretty good on my own, which shouldn't be much of a suprise as I did much better for myself before I got married.. Emotionally and mentally I'm starting to get into better places for longer periods of time as well, so in that respect.. personal recovery.. here I come.

Lent is going to be a big part of that.. 40 days of sacrifice and self examination..

God help me.

Non-smoker day 3.

Feeling pretty good, the cravings aren't too bad either.. I feel like I'm really going to make it this time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I can feel God's hand of peacefulness and tranquility in my life even though nothing seems to be 'happening' other than the ordinary day in-day out of the world around here. I know there's plenty happening that I'm not seeing.. but I'm ok with that, and ok with not knowing what's happening over there.

I'm trying to keep myself from getting anxious about things, and have really become ambivalent about how this turns out, so long as we come to a resolution soon. The not knowing the outcome and just wanting to get it over with, either way, is the tough part right now. I suppose that's another thing to stop thinking about and just live in today and what I can do today.

Got paged this morning to come into work early so I'm running on about 4 hours of sleep, which is about 2/3 what I'd really like to get a minimum of. So it'll be the fight against nodding off today.. we'll see how well that works out.

Well.. back to work, still a few little fires I need to put out.

Well.. another weekend in the books.

It wasn't as exciting as previous weekends, DS, DD and I bounced inbetween my house and grandma's house watching movies, playing games, and generally having a good time. DS is coming along very well with his numbers, shapes, and letters, and this weekend was the first time in a long while that I haven't had to fight with him to get him to eat his meals. I'm thinking we're in for a growth spurt here soon.

Valentines day is coming up, and I'm a little unsure about what I ought to do.. I'd like to send something to DSD and DS.. and I'm thinking nothing more than a card for WW. I'll probably pick all that up tonight while I'm out.

Message in WW's card will read something to the effect of:

My dearest wife,

While sometimes we manage to forget just who we are, or wish for our own convenience that others could be someone they are not. It is in the soul's eyes of those who truly love us that see beyond the face we give to the world, and know the truth of our heart.

"Love is patient, love is kind, it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love."

1 Cor 13:4-7, 13

Happy Valentines Day

Your loving husband,
James



Now before I get clocked by a dozen 2X4's I have no expectations that this will change anything. Honestly I figure she'll probably be a little upset by any sort of continued reminder that we're married. In her world of convenience the 'divorced in my head' rule ought to be enough. Well.. I'd be a sorry a$$ husband if I didn't at least get my wife a card on valentines day right? And whether she likes it or not at this point, I'm still her husband.

I'll just drop it in the mail and leave it at that, and another one for DSD.. I'll hand deliver the one for DS and DD of course on Wednesday.

The exchange yesterday went fairly uneventfully.. WW wasn't exactly conversive but there were a few bits of information that needed passed back and forth and she seemed to engage in that easily enough. I'm sure an effective co-parenting arrangement can be worked out once the adversarialness of this whole process ends. Probably a good reason at least to keep up Plan A in the interim.

As for me, day 6 without a cancer stick, and I'm feeling pretty good.. empowered as I spent a good portion of last night around 2 smokers and manged to keep my resolve. I think I'm going to make it this time.

I'm personally doing well, and in a fairly good headspace. I'm getting to a point where I'm enjoying my personal life again and am really starting to move forward without WW. It is at once terrifying and liberating.. and I do miss having my friend at my side to share all of the wonderful moments with, and to lean on or be leaned on when times weren't so great. I still miss DSD terribly and even found myself breaking down a few times this weekend looking at pictures of her. One day, I know that little girl will want to know the answers from me.. I just hope God gives me the right words to say on that day.. and that my resentment about all that is being done to that precious little angel has faded..

Right now my truth about what has happned with DSD is a very ugly picture..

As is my truth about what happened with our M..

I know I cannot dwell on the past.. and I'm not.. I'm doing better about living in the moment, and being in today.. and speaking of, I probably ought to start getting some work done here..

Hope everyone is doing well on their own ends.. I'll try to catch up with a few threads today as time permits.

NOTHING for your wife James. NOTHING.

Ugh.. frustration this morning.

I haven't been sleeping well lately. Not sure if it's the quitting smoking without 'aids', or if it's the way my thoughts drift to her when I'm laying down to go to sleep.

I pray.. I pray thankfulness for my closer walk with God.. I pray my desire to have God take me by the hand and lead me in the path He would have me walk. I pray confessions of my sins to God in my thoughts, my words, and deeds.. and then I pray for the protection of DD, DS, DSD.. and then for the redemption and return of WW.. it seems to be this way every night.. and even before I get to Amen my thoughts begin to stray into anger.. resentment.. unforgiveness.. I confess that while I love my wife dearly.. she continues to hurt me so deeply through all of this that I've begun to doubt whether or not this breech can be mended...

FIL is officially moving away, and had a chance to see DSD and DS on Sunday after WW picked up DS from my house. Things are very tense between FIL and WW apparently, and I didn't get into too many details. I guess WW's found a house that is about half as expensive as the one she was origonally looking at. Closing later this month though she's mentioned nothing to me about it. FIL says DSD is pretty well brainwashed.. which saddens me deeply. If I'm ever going to be able to have a relationship with that little girl there's going to need to be a lot of repairs made. Comments she made to FIL that she doesn't love me anymore.. and how much she likes WB..

I hate this persistent nagging thought that in order to stop hurting I'm going to have to find a way to detach from her as well... I know it won't stop her hurting though.. FIL says it was very evident to him that she was very hurt and confused..

I hate this anguish.. I hate when I get to where I'm dwelling on this and I just want it to end.. I just want the pain to go away but it won't.. I want to feel DSD curled up on my lap with her arms around my neck.. I want to hear her say 'I love you daddy' again.. I want to see her beautiful eyes sparkle when she's excited about something.. I want to wrap her up in my arms when she gets off the bus, and then hurry off to pick up DS from daycare.. I want to say her prayers with her at night.. I want to tickle her awake in the mornings.. I want her to help me make breakfast on the weekends..

I want DS home.. I want him to stop waking up in the middle of the night crying and crawling into bed with me saying 'I want you daddy..' because he doesn't know any other way to express his grief.. I want to give him the best opportunity to grow up and to be able to trust his heart, and to trust that God will not fail him, that love means something, that honor, honesty, patience, and perseverance are the true foundation of character and what it is to be a man.. I want to curl up with him and watch his favorite movie over and over again.. I want to do it every night.. not just 5 out of every 14.. I want to be his dad.. not someone who gets to 'visit' with him... I -hate- that word.. visit.. he's my son [email]d@mnit..[/email] a dad doesn't 'visit' his 3 (almost 4) year old boy.. this f'n SUCKS...

WW.. well.. what do I want for her? Well.. I guess that depends on the moment these days.. I want her to be happy.. I want her to be fulfilled.. I want her to be the woman in her heart she desires to be.. most of all I want her to want that for herself.. it looks however like she's he11 bent on destruction.. and is taking my kids down with her.. How do you deal with that type of person? You don't want to get out of their way and let them hit bottom because they've got hostages.. innocents that are going to burn with them.. and I love her.. I don't want to see her suffer.. but at the same time I know she's going to do this whether I try to save her or not.. the only one I -might- be able to save is my son.. I weep for her and DSD.. it feels like I've lost my family in a terrible accident.. and maybe.. just maybe I can save my son from death.. but in doing so I have to let WW and DSD go...

As for me?.. I honestly don't know folks. I'm walking with God.. trying to take comfort here, but there is little solace right now. I hurt.. almost constantly.. the tears are coming without warning again.. mostly when I think of DSD.. but often as well when I think of WW.. when I think of what could have been.. when I look at the road to recovery and wonder if I can handle it after all that's happened the past 6 months.. I know of nobody else in this world that I would even consider being remotely cordial to.. much less loving, caring, and nurturing to if they had put me or my family through this waking nightmare.. but for whatever inexplicable reason I still love and want WW.. all of her troubles and all.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />

I feel truly listless today.. like I'm the one adrift and being tossed on the waves.. Like I'm starting to see through a fog of my own.. and I really don't like what I see on the other side.. Self doubt.. starting to blame myself again for all this crap.. wondering if I've changed enough to make it work if she does come home.. or if I can make another relationship work.. questions about my self worth... why am I not good enough?

Then there's the ever present WHY.. like maybe if I truly understood WHY.. that I could at least have a clear picture of my life instead of feeling like there are parts of my own life that I don't know about.. or maybe I just don't want to believe.. that's really frustrating..

One week until my IC appointment.. hope I can make it that long.. today's just a very hard day and I needed to vent.

Roller coaster taking a dip again, hey?

The smoking cessation probably is causing you to have trouble sleeping, but it shouldn't last too much longer. Did you know smokers can tolerate much higher levels of caffiene than non-smokers (something to do with the way nicotine interacts with caffiene), so make sure you have cut way back on the coffee and cola.

You are doing great, James. Your kids are very lucky to have you for a dad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

When you've got a kid.. who means the whole world to you.. saying she doesn't love you anymore.. and loves some sh!itbag kid with the class and dignity of a slug..

kinda makes you wonder just how lucky they are to have me.. if he's so much better..

She doesn't love anyone, not even wonderboy. Saying that she loves... not even close. No, what she does is destroy. Don't get love mixed up with people running from one R to the next, in a desperate attempt to avoid.

Avoid what, who knows.

An escape. Love has nothing to do with it.

It's not WW's confusion and running that bothers me..

I know she's messed up..

These are things DSD has said to FIL.. DSD is now apparently saying that she doesn't like/love me anymore.. she says that I was mean and too hard on her...

I've always been firm with the kids.. demanded obedience and respect from them.. but I was never cruel or abusive.. the unfortunate thing is that I was the only one between the two of us to do -any- discipline of the kids.. her idea of discipline was threatening them with having me deal with them when I got home from work.. so I always had to be the 'bad guy' and do the stern talking to's, timeouts, groundings, taking toys and such away and enforcing the rules.. so yeah.. I was hard on her.. but I was also very proud of the results of those efforts too.. she went from an extremely unruly 4 year old when I met her.. to a very well behaved 8 year old with a good work ethic and homework discipline.. and boy I tell you that was a struggle.. I was PROUD of that had you asked me back in August.. I BEAMED with pride when people at restaraunts would comment on how well behaved our kids were in comparison to the hellions you often see out with their parents..

Now... I don't know.. was I so hard on her that she really does hate me? Will I ever be able to bridge this gap?

James...her mother manipulated her daughter. Using you as the "bad guy" was destructive. I suspect that with a little pushing from her mom, your DSD would feel anger towards you. It isn't justified and it was caused by moms manipulation and your going along with it...but it is real nonetheless.

As far as bridging the gap, I don't see your wife allowing that to happen. It would require her taking responsibility on herself and frankly I think your wife is a lost cause that is incapable of admitting HER failures as a wife and a mother.

She's 12 years old, James. She's a little kid.

She doesn't have the mental/emotional maturity to discern, at this time.

If you treated her in a loving, respectful manner, you did right by her to demand the same from her.

It's infuriating what your WW is doing to this girl, with the musical dad's, and then to put it on you as a stepparent to provide the firmness she needed at that time...just makes my blood boil.

She will know, in time, as she matures, that you loved her. That you still love her. That is what is important now. Not what comes out of the mouth of a child, whose world has just been ripped apart, again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She's 8.. but yeah.. I get your point.

MEDC.. you're probably right too.. and that's just all the more frustrating.

She simply refuses to see any consequence to her decision to do this.. refuses to acknowledge that this ISN'T good for the kids..

Ugh.. it's just frustrating.. mostly because it feels like it will NEVER end..

That's right, she's 8. And already three dad's in her short life. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Has this little girl's dad ever tried to get custody of her? Does he even care?



When is your case going to be heard?

There's a hearing on the MOTION to appoint the custody evaluators that we want on the 15th.. The judge says that WW and I don't need to be there for it..

DSD's bio dad.. wow.. well that's a convoluted story in and of it self, and honestly I have my doubts as to how much of it I believe, and how much of it has been spun to me by WW..

Apparently he fought unsuccessfully for custody during their D.. that much I know to be true..

Apart from that.. I know when I was first in the picture he still was very adamant about seeing DSD.. and I know WW didn't make things easy on him.. honestly I think it ultimately ended up getting to be too much for him (living a state away) trying to fight her all the time to get his court ordered visitation.. and getting no support from the courts or being financially unable or unwilling to challenge her he just ended up giving up about 3 years ago this past October..

Having talked with him.. he had gotten to know me pretty well since I was the one taking DSD back and forth to Ohio for the exchanges most of the time (WW usually had to work so I took her.. otherwise DSD wouldn't have gotten to see her dad at all).. I think he cares.. but I think she's put him through the wringer so bad that he feels like he's lost his opportunity.. he's a pretty broken guy..

WW alledges that he was abusive.. but I'm not sure I buy that now that I'm starting to get the same treatment.. WW alledges that he never paid any attention to DSD... I dunno.. he seemed like a pretty decent guy in my interactions with him.. I guess he just isn't the type to throw down when the rubber meets the road.. and yes, I fault him entirely for giving up.. but at the same time in the light of the emotional mess I've been going through the last 6 months.. I've got some empathy for the guy just wanting to stop hurting..

Can your lawyer use this? To show cause for your case?

It would be nice if your stepdaughter's dad could find the strength and finances to try again. Seems he might have a good case now that she has her living with, yet again, another man.

I do know how parents get pushed out of their children's lives when they are broken and the other remarries. I see it all the time.

That is one reason I am so thankful for this site. Helps to give the BS strength and support to fight for their parental rights, among other things.