I'm not sure.. I'm pretty sure he'd testify if I called him... I've already put the basics in my interrogitory alledging emotional abuse/parental alienation as the primary basis for my custody desires.

predictably she flipped.. DSD's grandfather is on my witness list to testify to this.

Do it.

And James, I know you love this little girl...if you find out he is a decent guy, try to do what you can to help him have more of a relationship with his daughter. I don't know what you can do, but if there is something... perhaps as little as offering support and guidance.

Keep hanging tough, James. You gotta stay strong.

I'm trying to stay strong..

At the same time.. he DID give up.. and that's a huge stumbling block for me, especially given that I was the one who held that little girl's hand and had her curled up crying in my lap over her 'RealDad' not having a part of her life.. and knowing how his abandonment hurt her.. I don't know if I want to take that chance of opening the door for him if he'll just cave again once WW starts her crap again.. DSD deserves better than that..

Given what you have gone through with your WW, I think you have a pretty good idea what DSD's father went through. No, him giving up was not honorable, however, he MAY view this as the biggest mistake of his life and just not know how to fix it. Who knows, but it seems likely to me that he's had a pretty tough road. Similar to the road you are on now Jamesus. Your WW is trying to get you to do the same thing he did, and you have come close to making the same mistakes he made. The question is whether or not he views his actions as mistakes. The fact that he's done nothing might mean he doesn't.

I definitely don't know enough to say if he deserves any benefit of doubt or not, but it does seem that your WW is fully capable of breaking a man, especially one without the tools and knowledge to combat her evil ways.

He's not really your concern at all Jamesus, but he could be an ally to you, you never know. I just wouldn't be to quick to judge him.

Yep, I understand. He could be getting involved now, he presumably knows what is going on now, and that you are not allowed to be involved with her.

Is he WW's age? What was he, all of 21 when all this was going down? He should be at an age now though where he could fight for her and on her behalf if he so chose. You must be right on that account.

I only brought it up because you love DSD and feel so helpless to help her.

She has her grandparents, and it seems they are pretty grounded and active in her life.

I'm honestly not sure how to proceed with them.. DSD's grandparents really are very near and dear to me.

I think everyone on that side of the family feels it would be futile to try and fight for DSD.. and the risk of WW cutting them completely out of DSD's life if they were to lose the fight... I think they're scared of what she will do..

It's just really painful for me today dealing I suppose with the reality that DSD.. if I ever will have a relationship with her again.. it will be a long way off.. if ever. I'm never not going to be a part of her brother's life.. but I almost wonder if she'll hold this grudge forever.. and what will it do to color DS' life... I don't know.

This all just seems so incredibly senseless to me.. the amount of suffering involved for everyone.. FIL, SIL, DS, DSD, DD, DSD's grandparents.. the only one who doesn't seem to be suffering at all for this decision is the one who heaped this crap upon all of us..

And for what?

What really has she gained?

Surely it cannot be worth all that she has thrown away..

James,

Don't give up on DSD. There may not be much you can do, but keep looking.



Do not let her believe you have abandoned her, too. Write her letters with all your feelings, fears, hopes, dreams for her. If you cannot deliver them right now because of how WW might spin it, keep them. There will be a day in the future where you CAN get them to DSD. She needs to know that not ALL men will abandon her or give up on her.

She may be repeating things to your FIL that WW said. Most children will say what it seems the adults around them want to hear.



addicts.......where do they stop? What is the drug worth to them?


Don't give up on DSD, James, no matter what she says. It may be years from now, but there will be a chance to tell her how much you have always loved her.

Fox

I pray with all my heart you are right Fox.

I need to find a way to kick the despair I feel when she comes to mind. I've been praying again, and it seems to help.

I seem to be in a cycle of my own right now.. I'll muster the strength to pour out some love for a while.. and I feel good during those times.. then something will happen, and it may not even be anything directly done by WW anymore.. but for whatever reason I withdraw into my shell and hide for a while... and in those moments I feel terribly lonely, afraid of the future, and unsure of myself and my faith.

In those moments I pray..

So far each time I've been lifted out of that dark place.. but when does it end? What has to happen for me to really let go and stop hurting?

Maybe it's anxiety because the D train is moving again.. Maybe it's knowing that WW is back on the move trying to get a house.. maybe it's hearing from FIL that DSD is saying these terrible things about me..

It hurts.. I can't deny that. How much do I stuff down the hurt before there's no room for anymore and I end up broken beyond the ability to heal? At what point does it overflow and I just stop caring enough to hold back on Plan FU?

I'm going to try to be still... against advice I did order WW, DSD, and DS valentines day stuff to be delivered to He11house.. I recall a story I read describing the depth of true love from a husband to his wife. I'll paraphrase since I can't find the whole thing..

An elderly man walks into a Dr's office and tells the nurse at the reception desk that he's just there to have stitches removed, and is in a bit of a hurry as he has someplace to be in an hour.

The nurse, knowing there's no way he'll be seen and out of the office in time, checks him out, gets permission from the Dr, and starts to remove his stitches. As she's doing this she asks why he's in a hurry.

The old man tells her that he goes every morning to have breakfast with his wife in the nursing home. The nurse asks if she'll mind that he'll likely be a little late, and the man replies that with her Alsheimers that she hasn't even recognized who he is for nearly two years.

The nurse puzzles over this and asks the man why if she doesn't recognize him that he keeps having breakfast with her every morning, and how that must be difficult for him.

His response to her is the same reason I decided to send my wife a Velentines gift this year.. he said to the nurse, "She may not remember who I am, but I remember who she is."

There is more to the story but that's the relevant part here.. As much as my WW has made it clear that she would like to pretend that we are unmarried, and that she is already 'divorced in her head'.. the truth is that i remember who she is.. and who she is, is my wife, and the mother of our children.. and I love 'who she is' even if she has forgotten who that is.. and acts as if she would prefer me to be someone I am not. I am her husband, and I love her. I will not hide that love, nor the fact that I am still her husband.. I will not further enable the fantasy by playing along with it and pretending we are unmarried.. I will not pretend I am not her husband just so WW and WB don't have to face the disgusting truth about the slimy, dishonest, and sinful nature of their R.. Their guilt is theirs to bear.. it is not my problem. I am simply making a statement of love for my wife and children on a day where we are supposed to be reminded of those who love us and are dear to us.

No expectations..

Just a giving of love.

I'm 'feeling' stronger today.. but it just may be that I'm on that side of the cycle at the moment.

These dips in the rollercoaster are terrible.. but this one lasted a little over a day.. rather than the 3 days it lasted 2 weeks ago.. maybe it's improvement..

I am so there with you.

And I think that's why this hurts because WE remember it all. Who there are, and how much we love them and how sad it is gone.

Yes, it is improvement and you need to be honored for that and shown you are an amazing person. Your walk is full of grace and dignity and my complete inspiration. You are who I come to read to when I am sinking low because we seem to be on opposite cycles.

I admire you, your strength and commitment because it's how I feel. Our situations seem so hopeless and yet we trust G-d completely. It's just hard is all. Just flippin hard and lonely.

A thousand times Amen to that...

I know how indescribably hard it is, and I can't tell you how thankful I am that we both can have a little mutual adoration here in our paths.. and at the same time how terribly sorry I am that -anyone- has to feel the way we do.

I ache for anyone who in the blink of an eye and for no apaprent reason go from 'fine' to barely able to breathe and choked with tears... just a passing thought of our beloved, or our children's suffering is enough to trigger a massive emotional shift..

I acutely feel the pain of each and every person who lays awake in bed, tossing and turning, begging God to just give them enough comfort and peace to get a measly few hours of sleep..

I hurt for everyone who struggle to find the peace, joy, and release in doing the things and hobbies that once filled us with contentment.

I cry for each and every person who knows and feels the depths of true love for another person too shallow and self centered to even acknowledge it for the precious gift that it is.

I despair for every person whose beloved's unforgiveness of themselves manefests in anger, spite, and blaming of their already wounded and vulnerable betrayed spouse...

It is however.. perhaps selfishly so.. somewhat comforting to know that I am not alone.

It is hard..

It's hard and lonely..

I can only pray and hope on God's promise that what we sow in tears, we will reap in joy..

I can only pray and hope on God's promise that he will leave the 99 faithful sheep in the wilderness to go and search for the 1 that is lost..

How odd is it, that I can have complete faith in God that the mountain of troubles between WW and I will be removed.. but be so faithless in myself that I will have the strength to still be here, when in God's timing it is accomplished?

I think this is exactly what I feel.

Oh James, you and I are so similar. I feel all the pain for those who are suffering too. It's too much for me right now. I just want to get off and go away and not feel anymore.

You are the strength I look to when I am so low like today. I watch in wonder and inspiration how you keep going even when it hurts so bad.

I'm sorry you are here, but grateful for it.

You know the answer to this question Queenie..

Personal growth, change, learning... it's a painful process. Mostly the major life lessons we learn and take with us through life are learned the hard way.. through failing at least once, enduring that pain, transcending it and establishing boundaries in our lives that keep us from going back to that place again..

Now.. this kind of pain and growing.. where we still have our arms open to the very person who is hurting us.. is puzzling indeed and seems to defy what is instinctive.. and that is to wall ourselves off from those that hurt us, rather than invite them into the intimacy that makes us vulnerable to the same attack..

My only insight into that paradox of reasoning is that we have been called by God to do something greater with our lives.. for Him.. for ourselves.. for our children.

It is our calling to act with honor and dignity.. to be faithful and true.. to be strong.. to be the lighthouse not just for our spouses.. but for our children who are watching us to see how adults handle the huge curveballs life tends to throw from time to time.

How does G-d know we are up for the challenge and won't buckle under the sadness and pressure?

Because He knows how much we can handle.

He has promised that He will give us no more than what we are capable of bearing.

I do sometimes wish however, that God didn't have so much faith in me..

Me too.

I'm tired James. I'm really tired and want to give up and pack it in. The pain is so deep. Why can't it ease up a little, why does he have to sound so happy to be away from me.

Because he wants you to believe he's happier without you.

He wants you to give up on him.

He wants you to become the person he needs you to be so that he isn't the 'bad guy'.

He wants you to be angry.. he wants you to be hurt and lash out at him.. because he feels like he deserves it..

He needs you to do things that justify his behavior..

Is there the slighest chance that he could truly be happier and in a better place without me?

I can't do those things because I love him, I married him for life, and I believe in the person who is good deep down. I just feel like I am stupid idiot and fool.

And he is laughing at my stupidity

No.. he is mocking what he doesn't understand.


I don't know.. I'd probably be tons happier with a person who does this:



But I'm kinda quirky like that...

Me too, that's why it hurts

((((((Queenie))))))

It'll be ok.. remember where your faith is.

If God is with us.. who can stand against us?

Maybe we need to get Mark over here to give us both a lift eh?