If you can, PLEASE DO

Well.. the exchange was not uneventful tonight.

Well.. it was until she got out to the van and I caught a glimpse of WB sitting in the passenger seat.

I told her after the door was closed that I really didn't appreciate her bringing him after I've asked her several times.

She scrunched her face up and said I was being very inconsiderate.

I cut her off and said "No.. you are being inconsiderate.. I have asked you several times, and made it pretty clear."

She said she was just doing him a favor by picking him up from school. I just shrugged and turned around and went inside.

Sent the following email:


WW,

I apologize if you believe that I am somehow being inconsiderate by asking you to respect my morals, my character, my children, and my property when I have told you several times now that WB is not welcome at my house. While I must respect your decision to expose our children to your choices and lifestyle at the place you live, I will not implicitly or explicitly endorse adultery in front of my children and ask once again that you please respect this boundary when you come to my home.

James



TRIGGERED

PISSED

[email]D@mn[/email] I want a cigarette...

What I'm about to say might sound callous. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about:

Try to have a sense of humor about all this.

Impossible? Seriously, try to. Your wife has the compassion of a war criminal. It's absurd. Be cooler than her.

GC

GC: Heh.. compassion of a war criminal.. how terribly accurate.

Ok.. here's the full exchange.. I had retracted my previous email and added to it.. here's my email and her response.

Yes.. I probably screwed the perverbial pooch here..

I'm ready to take 2X4's if they are deemed necessary.

I'd -LOVE- former waywards insight into her response.. I'm actually kind of fascinated by it.

here goes:

My email after the 'confrontation' last night:

Now I sent this about 10:00 PM... and found this had come about 1:00 AM when I woke up this morning.. she was up late constructing this one.


Now I could go line by line responding to some of these things.. but I'd like to get some untainted opinion on the source before I contaminate it with the truth.

Wow, she is certainly interesting. I need to reread this and see what I think. It's too much babble in one handling for me and I am still realing from mine's crap.

I haven't responded to this.. and am unsure if I will or not.

It is however about as forthcoming as she's been in the last 6 months about her feelings regarding 'us'.. I almost wonder if there isn't an opportunity or a need to address some of these things.

Hehe... amen to that.

You know what's funny Queenie? On the way home from work last night, I saw a Covenant Transport truck.. had a wonderful evening thanking God for that little sign of His faithfulness and encouragement to me.. but now I'm just kind of confused..

For those just joining on this page.. I'd really like Former Wayward and vet input on her email I posted on the previous page..

Oh.. and she and DSD are getting flowers with heart charms today sent to He11house (that I ordered a few days ago) and DS is getting a stuffed bear with the card citing I Corinthians 13: 1-8, 13.

Should be an interesting day for fallout.. probably ruined my plan A.. thoughts?

I wouldn't respond to anything until the real vets come and talk to you.

I would imagine you are asking G-d what signs he was sending you? I have to ask you some questions.

Are you truly ready to move on without her?
What if those signs were exacty mixed signals because that's what she is in, confusion?

What would you like to say IF you were to respond and remember, there is no way I am saying responding, her letter is out of my league.

It's interesting, this is where the difference between our WW are. I think from what happened with me yesterday my WW is cake eating in his own way. And your doesn't seem to cake eat at all.

What are your thoughts on the email?

Jame's..CANCEL the flowers. IMHO, it is time to face the fact that she isn't coming back and some of the things you are doing...even if they are "right" are being considered LB by her. The flowers are going to piss her off.

I would NOT respond to her email. IMHO, the only conversations that you should have with her moving forward should concern your sons welfare. Nothing else.

Jamesus-

You WW sounds EXACTY like mine. Every time I hear her say something along the lines of what yours wrote to you, I question whether the path I'm on is the right path.

However, as MEDC said, the bottom line, whether the M is recovered or not, is to make sure that you are putting the children first in the decisions that you make. If you are doing that, then you are on the right path, regardless of the end result of the M.

I'm praying for you.

God bless.

Queenie:
I'm already moving on without her. I've got a pretty full schedule these days between DD's swimming, volleyball, and the nights I have DS it keeps me pretty busy. Plus I've been staying busy with friends and I've started jamming with the band again. Which makes her first paragraph kinda funny.. my band has been more or less dead for the last 2 years.. that isn't to say I don't go out and play every so often but it certainly wasn't the commitment level of a successful regional band.. I'll get into that more though when I do actually post what I -would- reply if I were to actually send one.

I'd like to get more input from vets and former waywards before posting my retorts to it, as I don't want to color opinions before they are fully formulated.

I agree, she hasn't been cake eating this whole time, but I'm told that it's common with wayward women at least to completely check out of the marriage emotionally and fully invest themselves in the A.. I just figure that's what I'm seeing here.

As for my thoughts on the email.. I'm a little shocked at the wordiness of the response as tight lipped as she's been to this point.


It's too late to unring the bell on the flowers.. they're out for delivery.

Yeah, I figure they'll piss her off.. but I think she's most pissed at the reminders that despite the 'divorce in her head' I am still her husband... which in turn casts that little bit of truth onto the relationship with WB.. and we all know the reaction of waywards when they are forced to look even for a moment at the ugliness of the A...

They get pissed... I'm not suprised, but I don't think it's a LB either. It's the truth.

I've sent no response yet.. though I have crafted something of a line by line retort.. I'll share that later once others have had the opportunity to play along.

Gadzooks, James...

Why do you insist on arguing with her? You can't win an argument with that kind of thinking. So why try?

Do NOT respond. Do not perpe2ate this foolishness.

-ol' 2long

EOTS.. thank you so much for your prayers. I have been reading your sitch daily and my heart goes out to you. I haven't contributed much because.. well.. you see where I'm at eh? Figure it's pretty obvious my example isn't one to be following about now.. but if you can learn from my mistakes.. more power to you brother. Know that I'm pulling for you and praying for you as well.

As 2long points out, it is useless to try to argue with her. That IS one thing that I have learned here. I am argumentative by nature, especially when it's something that I feel strongly about. It is EXTREMELY hard for me to listen to or read WW's fog babble and not respond, but that is what I've learned to do. I guess I just got tired of beating my head against the wall, so I stopped doing it.

I really wasn't trying to argue with her last night or in the email, simply restate, clearly, my boundary.

I shrugged and went inside when she raised her voice.. I'll admit that I probably should have -just- emailed instead of making any comment about him being there with DS in the car.. I'm sure she'll try to spin that any which way but loose to say I'm arguing with her in front of our son.. even though I was calm and collected throughout the exchange.

Ok.. my 'response' as it were.

No I haven't sent it.. no.. I won't send it.. but here's my thoughts.



I'm not sure how much clearer I can show you than to point to my continued stand, steadfast love, and faithfulness to you throughout our marriage and especially during the pain of the last 6 months that my commitment to you and our family transcends all other aspects of my life. I chose computers as my career because that was the only way to guarantee that I could provide for you and our children, and to finance the dreams and goals we established and accomplished. The band was only ever a hobby, and while I was passionate about it I have always told you that you only need to say the word and I would give it up and never look back.



I never intended to pick a fight last night, only to remind you since you evidently had forgotten, or just didn't care that I have made it clear that Mario is not welcome at my home. I agree completely that heated discussions in front of our son are inappropriate, and that is why I ceased engaging you and went back inside once you raised your voice at me. I hope that we can avoid the situation altogether in the future and actually demonstrate your desire to 'get along' by respecting and being considerate of eachothers boundaries and the right to determine who is welcome or not around our children and in our own home.


The reasons for WB being there are not my concern. I will be happy to work something out with you where you can pick DS up later, or I'll be more than happy to keep him overnight if you need to taxi your boyfriend around town on Wednesdays. What posessed me to come outside to address you, is the overt disrespect and open disregard for me, my home, and the morals we both once sought to establish in our son. It will no longer be tolerated at my house.


DS was ready to go when you arrived with the exception of putting his hat and coat on, which I felt would probably have been uncomfortable to have on inside while waiting for you to arrive. I even invited you inside out of the cold so that you would not have to wait outside for even the short amount of time it would have taken to get his coat on. I'm sure you even heard me telling him that we shouldn't make you wait while he did all he could to delay leaving with you, from continuing to play with his motorbike toys to asking for his glasses, and then making issue about which ones he wanted. He has attempted several times in recent months to 'prolong' our encounters, and has said several times that he does it because 'You and mommy need to talk more'. Regardless, it certainly was nothing like what I had to go through on September 10 or November 30.


I'm not sure how I'm showing you that I don't listen, I've tried several times to engage you in converstation throughout the course of this ordeal and recieved only short responses or icy silence in return. When you do email or talk to me typically it is an accusation of one form or another, so I apologize if my trying to clarify or explain myself to you in order to avoid further misunderstandings or misplaced assumptions comes across as condescending. I honestly thought that by trying to address your concerns as clearly as possible that I was showing you that I am listening and am concerned about what bothers you.


I'd really like to know which vows you believe I have broken in the entirety of our marriage and how. The one time we've touched on this in the past you said 'put first before all others' which I seem to remember the vow actually being 'forsaking all others, be faithful only to him/her for as long as you both shall live'. Ironic that the vow you mention speaks directly to infideltiy. As someone who loves and cares about you, and someone you yourself brought back to the faith I am deeply concerned about your relationship with God. As such I will continue to pray for you out of the depth of my love.

If the filing fee confuses you, you're welcome to pay me back for that. I feel that I've been pretty clear from the beginning that this is not what I want.


The woman I married was deeply faithful, believed in honesty, valued her family, and was devoted to her children. The woman I see now has destroyed her family, shut out her children's grandparents, godparents, stepfather, aunts and uncles, has abandoned her faith, and embraced dishonesty and immoral behavior as the foundation of her life. The woman I see now would have made my wife physically ill to behold.

I'm not sure what you have ever meant with this roomate bit, roomates don't help raise children together, roomates don't sleep together, hope together, dream together, and plan futures together.

I am sorry that you seem to percieve any logical argument that doesn't fully support your destructive desires is seen as condescending and talking as if to a child. (I'd really -like- to say.. stop acting like a child and we'll grow from there to fix this one)..


I'm tired of living alone while being married too, so why don't you come home and let's try to be married -together- instead of married alone? Things are looking good with a guy one year younger than you who still hasn't stopped living at home with his parents? Is a convicted thief? Doesn't have a real job? Can't manage to find a ride for himself to and from school? Congrats on the upgrade.

I've never badmouthed you or attempted to argue with you in front of our children. Last night being the prime example, I simply calmly stated that I didn't appreciate him showing up here again, and you blew up yelling about being inconsiderate. I do regret however that the irony was too much for me to resist and that I had to comment on how you were the one being inconsiderate of my repeated requests.


According to God, the state of Indiana, and the church it's completely appropriate. As a matter of fact, the only one who seems to have a problem with me still being your husband, is you. I'd ask WB, but it didn't seem to be much of a problem for him when he started sleeping with you so I don't imagine much has changed in that arena now.


I'm glad we're finally on the same page here, can this pretty please be a two way street finally?

Good Morning, James.

Personally, I'd send it. But I'm no MB pro.

There are a few subtle digs at WB there, but certainly not uncalled for.

What would be the harm? The potential gain?

Many waywards read correspondance with their BS over and over again.....and many of the points stick with them, even if they don't like them.

You are sticking to your boundaries....that she continues to test. As she points out, she is not a rug, but neither are you. She has wiped her feet on you more than once with the continued disrespect of bringing WB to your home.

I wish schoolbus was around to decipher this a little bit. Maybe a callout?

Fox

ETA: I don't remember.....what is your plan for Plan B?

Thanks Foxy..

Yeah.. I really wish Schoolbus or a FWW like LaLa or Mrs W or one of the others could give me some insight here.. I'm feeling a little adrift.

Honestly at this point I don't know what I'd have to lose in sending it, but realistically I know it'd be like trying to reason with a brick wall.

As for Plan B.. there is no Plan B at least until custody is decided..

I'm kinda stuck in Plan A in the middle of Plan D right now..

I would not send what was written.

I would send a 2 sentence email however. I would politely restate that she keep WB away in respect of your wishes for you and your son.

I would also say that I am working on improving myself to be the person, husband, and dad that I am proud of and have always wanted to be.

I also think you should follow your plan. Since the beginning, I believe MEDC has recommended the best plan for you. Aggressively doing what it takes to get custody of your son should be top priority and the focus of everything you do on a daily basis.