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Okay, so here's what I would reply, if I just couldn't help myself from staying dark.
Dear WW,
I read your email, and the old me would have responded much differently. That old me, the lesser me that used to want to respond in anger, and overwhelm you with arguments, is gone. That was the old me, and as we both know, it never worked before.
I noticed that your letter talked a lot about the time I was in the band. You felt abandoned by me. I see that now, and know that I wasn't the best husband to you. It was wrong of me, and I own that part of our relationship. That is one part of my life I know I need to improve on, and have made changes within my thoughts and actions so that this would never happen again between me and you and our family. It hurts me to know that I hurt you like that, and I never want to do that to you again.
Another thing I noticed about your email was a sense that you feel I treat you like a barbie doll. While it was hard to hear that, I think it was also very good for me to hear it, too. It took a lot of courage for you to open up to me and share that kind of criticism, and I am looking at what you had to say and taking it to heart. I think it is very important for me to try to improve my way of communicating with you so I don't put you in a position to feel that way. It's another way that I can change and grow in our relationship, and it is very important to me to meet your needs in this way. I promise you that I will make every attempt to respect you in the future when we talk. For now, please know that I do respect you, I do know that you have thoughts and feelings and ideas of your own. It is one of the reasons I married you in the first place, and I regret so much that our communication grew so complicated over time. Maybe we will get the chance to work on it together again. Only time will tell, and I hope you will see the changes I have made then.
Between the two of us, you are right - there needs to be respect. I need to respect your thoughts and feelings, and listen to you better. From you, I do ask you respect my heart and not bring OM around me and my house. It's just too hard for me, and I am not able to deal with the feelings I have. I believe I can trust telling you that, because I know you understand it.
There was one thing you said in your email that I wanted to say I was wrong about. You said that you thought I wanted the divorce because I paid for part of it. I was wrong there - I shouldn't have done that. I never should have paid for any of it, because I don't want a divorce. I want our family back.
But I don't want our OLD marriage back. I want a NEW and BETTER marriage with YOU. You see, the one thing I learned is this - I learned that the marriage we had before had some problems, and that we were both doing some things wrong. I had my role in all of this, and I have been working on my part in it. There were lots of things that led up to this state of our marriage. It wasn't just me, or just you. And I have learned about a way out of this that actually works, can keep us together for our son, and can make it so we can find our love for each other again.
I've been learning a lot, and I have made so many changes. I have many left to make, certainly! I believe in the changes I have made, and intend to have them last forever. This learning includes that people can change for the better, and that marriages can also change. They can change for the better, last through affairs, and if both people work and believe together, they can make it through to the other side - changed, better, and stronger.
I still believe in you. And I still love you.
That's along the lines of what I would write. Because the LAST THING she is expecting is a love letter. Or for you to see what her message really is. Or for you to offer a plan. Or for you to admit where YOU went wrong.
Or for you to say you were sorry about anything.
If you MUST reply, reply in a way she completely does not expect.
Because to reply in the way you first planned - is what she expects. She expects return fire.
Return love.
Plan A her, because you don't get many chances. Recognize her needs, and FILL THEM WHENEVER YOU CAN.
Because when her affair ends, and it will, you will want to be there to pick up the pieces, right? So be the very attractive person still standing.
Return love. Return a positive, loving path home.
Schoolbus
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Marsh! Howdy! Good to see you around some! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> SB! Glad you could really decipher that post of James WW. Good to see you TO! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> And, no, it wasn't OM's son. It WAS OM. WB=WonderBoy The 26 year old superstar. NOT.
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If it was OM's son with her, make the same request in the email. It covers it, too. My letter is a sample for you, just to give you the idea of how to get her to see you open, honest, and NOT controlling her.
Just giving her back what she needs to hear - your changes, what you heard her say to you, and how you feel about her.
If you don't tell her how you truly feel, she will not know.
Whether men want to believe this or not, it's important to know that women DO want and need to know their feelings. We need to know when they hurt inside, and to hear them openly express those feelings.
It is exactly how the other men get to us.
They exploit that - often by telling us tales of how their wives "don't understand them" or "don't listen to their feelings"..blah blah blah.......Think about that. It is very true. Many WW or OW will tell you that the man in the story "talked" to them about their feelings.
It makes women feel close, intimate.
So, Jamesus, talk to her. Since she is willing to email you, then email her about your feelings. I'm not saying be whiny or a cry-baby. Nope.
Just open up about how the marriage was. How great certain events made you feel. Reminisce about a vacation, a memory, how she smelled when you two went out one time, how you felt on the first date........you get the idea? When she gives you an opening, take it. If you are in a modified Plan B, use those openings to Plan A her.
And make them COUNT.
Talk her up, compliment her, and SHOW her your changes.
Meet the needs she showed you in her email, and make sure you are noticing what her needs are whenever she lets them show.
SB
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Hi LG,
Thanks for the correction. I guess when I saw her mention having picked WB up from school, I assumed, incorrectly, that it was a child.
~ Marsh
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(((((((((((((Schoolbus))))))))))))))) THANK YOU!! Now you realize I spent the majority of my evening crafting and re-crafting my response.. Then I came through for one check to see if there were any other opinions to be had before I hit send.. and lo and behold Schoolbus broke it down for me.. I can't believe how blind I've been.. some of these things she's been -trying- to tell me for years and somehow I just couldn't see it.. or I saw it but didn't REALLY see it.. Only minor modifications were needed to what you wrote.. it really did strike right to the heart of the matter.. and yeah, totally not what she would be expecting. THANK YOU SO MUCH for helping to save me from myself. You've given me a new perspective on Plan A here.. a key element I feel as if I've been lacking. And also helped me to really see that even in our daily conversations instead of taking her words to me at face value.. I NEEDED to listen to what she was saying without saying it.. Ugh... I really have a lot more work to do on me.. I had been so focused on trying to operate from a position of strength, and to hold the 'moral high ground' here that I lost sight of the real goal and perpetuated the cycle.. I don't have to lose strength or the 'high ground' in order to be compassionate and loving.. I just have to lose the pretention. My only small worry is that it's almost -too- accepting of her justifications.. and that it may just feed her rationalization.. I don't need her to be on the defensive.. what the heck was I thinking.. that's why -I- have been so terrible at communication.. she's always putting me on the defensive.. Like the old Aikido master says.. minimal effort.. your opponent will provide all the energy you need in your strike, all you must do is learn to redirect it to where you wish it to go.. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I am still but a grasshopper... THANK YOU THANK YOU.. And believe me.. that's hardly to discount anything that any of the rest of you said.. I value all the input I've received today beyond measure. You are all wonderful to be here taking time to read and post to me in my time of need.. I can't thank any of you enough. Thanks for the correction. I guess when I saw her mention having picked WB up from school, I assumed, incorrectly, that it was a child. He's 26, but your assumption isn't completely off base.. I mean, he lives at home and apparently doesn't have the wherewithal to get himself from place to place.
Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
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Buddy, I had a whole response crafted but I think you've seen.
You have been too melodramatic and self-aggrandizing about your effort.
In your communication with WW you repeatedly find little ways to show your disapproval of her and to draw attention to the nobility and rightness of what you're doing. It diminishes you to do it. You're right, what she's done is cruel and insanely unethical, but it doesn't do a bit of good to keep reminding her of it. It just makes you look like a sanctimonious pr*ck.
If you must communicate, be sure to tell her you're grateful to her for speaking her truth, and make as little as possible of the things you can't go along with.
As for WB coming around, I would stick to my guns. This is a boundary. But all you need to say is "it hurts me when you bring him around".
This is not a time to be angry and dug-in.
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Wow... GC, are you Plan A'ing me? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I see a ray of real sunshine in those gray clouds <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> You're absolutely right though.. without really thinking about it I've had this NEED for her to see and acknowledge TO ME things that she and I already know. I know that this is wrong, and in truth, so does she. I have been dwelling on it and the need for her to acknowledge it. She won't.. she can't.. not right now at least... and maybe not ever. One of my top EN's is admiration.. and for a long time I haven't felt admired or respected by my wife. I think that's what led to a lot of the way our 'conversation' styles changed over time. I needed to be right.. needed to feel like she looked up to me and respected my opinion. The caretaker in me felt like I needed to be somehow 'better' than her so that she was in a role that she 'needed' to be taken care of by me. I am totally guilty of this.. and it's going to take a lot of work to change that in me. I've always wanted to feel 'needed'.. even though one of the things I wanted most in a mate was someone who was a partner and did not 'need' me.. but wanted me. My wife was that person, but the roles in the relationship quickly changed to one where I was supporting the family, and for whatever reason that gave -me- feelings of entitlement and of being superior or in 'control' of the relationship.. and that wasn't -really- what I wanted.. so to escape that 'responsibility' for short periods of time I'd go do the band thing.. When I did that.. it played on (what I still believe) is her BPD.. which manefests itself in feelings of abandonment, and lonliness.. it's often accompanied by depression which I know she suffers from.. and in the end, even early on in our relationship I wasn't understanding enough of it... wasn't 'safe' to talk to about those feelings. The other part that I have failed to keep in the forefront of my mind is that Borderlines typically do not take anyone elses feelings into consideration when making personal decisions. Because of the 'isolation' feeling that they almost constantly live in, they aren't quite as equipped to see, or even deal with how they affect others.. even when it's right in front of them. If I am to properly love this woman.. I really need to understand her better.. I really need to understand -how- to listen to her better.. to listen to what the conflict avoider in her really is trying to say but can't bring herself to be direct about it. I've a lot more growing to do.
Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
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Ok.. well, here's the latest exchange in all it's glory: What I sent last night.. just changed a few things from SB's post.. so it'll look real familiar: My dearest WW,
I read your email, and debated and prayed about how to respond, or even if I should respond at all. The old me would have responded much differently. That old me, the lesser me that used to want to respond in anger, and overwhelm you with arguments, is long gone. That was the old me, and as we both know, it never worked before for either of us. I will not try to convince or railroad you WW, I am only stating here what I believe in.
I noticed that your letter talked about the time I was in the band. I know that you felt abandoned by me. I see that now, and know that it made you feel that wasn't the best husband I could have been to you. Placing the burden on you to 'say the word and I will give it up' was wrong of me, and I own that part of our relationship. That is one part of my life I have recognized the need to improve on, and have made changes within my thoughts and actions to better pick up on what you are 'saying without actually saying it' so that this would never again come between me and you and our family. It hurts me to know that I hurt you like that, and I never want to do that to you again.
Another thing I noticed about some of your previous comments, and your email was a sense that you feel as if I treat you like a child or a barbie doll. While it was hard to hear that, I think it was also very good for me to hear it, too. It took a lot of courage for you to open up to me and share that kind of criticism, and I am looking at what you had to say and taking it to heart. I think it is very important for me to try to improve my way of communicating with you so I don't put you in a position to feel that way. It's another way that I can change and grow in our relationship, and it is very important to me to understand and be understood by you in this way. I promise you that I will make every attempt to respect you in the future when we talk. For now, please know that I do respect you, I do know that you have thoughts and feelings and ideas of your own. It is one of the main reasons I married you in the first place, and I regret so much that our communication which was once so easy for us, grew so complicated over time. Maybe we will get the chance to work on it together again. Only time will tell, and I hope you will see the changes I have made when that time comes.
Between the two of us, you are right - there needs to be respect. I need to respect your thoughts and feelings, and listen to you better. From you, I ask you to respect my heart and not bring WB around me and my house. It's just too painful for me to be asked to support something we believe so strongly against. I believe I can trust telling you that, because I have faith that you understand it.
There was one thing you said in your email that I wanted to say I was wrong about. You said that you thought I wanted the divorce because I paid for part of it. I was wrong there - I shouldn't have done that. I never should have paid for any of it, because I never wanted a divorce. I want more than anything for our family to be wonderful and happy again.
I don't want our old marriage back. I want to build a new and better marriage with you through our faith and the lessons we've learned. You see, the one big thing I've learned in studying how to have a successful marriage is this - I learned that the marriage we had before had some problems, and that we were both doing some things wrong. I had my role in all of this, and I have been working on my part in it. There were lots of things that led up to where our marriage is now. It wasn't just me, or just you. I have learned about ways out of this that actually work, can help us avoid passing on the generational curse of divorce to our children, and most importantly, can help us find our faith and love for each other again.
I've been learning a lot, and I have made so many changes. I know that I still have many left to make. I am proud of, and believe in the changes I have made, and know they will last forever. This learning includes that people can change for the better, and that marriages can also change. They can change for the better, last through adultery and thrive again, and if both people work and believe together, they can make it through to the other side - changed, better, and stronger.
"No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." 1 Corinthians 10:13
I still believe in you. And I still love you. Happy Valentines Day
Ever in my heart and prayers,
James
PS: I got a message from the delivery company that they were unable to get the Valentines gifts I ordered last week to you, DSD, and DS today. I've canceled the order as a result and will have something for the kids at least, next time I see them. Please give them my love and tell them I hope you've all had a wonderful Valentine's Day. Her response: James,
While I do hope that you have changed, that will not help us now. I do not want to be married to you any longer. There is too much hurt and pain in my memories of you at this point, not all of it coming from while we were together.
I have no idea what you are talking about "getting past adultry and thriving." You keep bringing adultry us like THAT is what is keeping us apart. You can get rid of that idea now. First of all, there is no adultry going on. You have to be together with someone in order for the other person to cheat. There has to be emotion there. In this case, I am no longer living with you and we have taken steps in getting a divorce. In my heart, we are divorced. Second, I am moving on with my life and I believe that you should too. Quit dwelling on what should have or could have been and move on. Your inabilty to let go is what is going to cause our son more pain than he needs to go through. Quit trying to control everything because you can't. Just let go and live for today, not yesterday or what may happen in the future. You try to plan everything out and try to control what happens in each situation you run into and you just end up insulting people.
As for your post script, I refused your delivery because I thought that the message you wrote was highly inappropriate given the situation and what I wrote in my previous email. I have no problem with you sending DS or giving DS a Valentines gift. But sending one with that message was wrong, and you know it.
Wishing you the best
WW For reference, this is the note that was attached to the gifts: To the two jewels of my heart, and my baby bear. Happy Valentines Day! 1 Corinthians 13:1-8, 13. My love forever in God, your loving Husband, Dad, and Father I will consider long and hard how to respond.. she's opening up to me about her feelings, her hurts etc.. which I think is good.. more opportunities to show my newfound understanding and desire to share feelings with her?
Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
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Cripes, James. I don't understand what you expect 2 come out of these email exchanges.
You're still trying 2 educate her. In this latest, you're trying 2 tell her you've made changes. And the "response" is predictable, considering her need 2 justify her affair. It ain't over until it's over means nothing 2 her, since she's convinced herself that the marriage and the responsibility associated with it was over simply when she decided it was.
Remember this, going forward:
Actions speak, words don't.
Now live your life and stop trying 2 figure out what is going on in her haid.
-ol' 2long
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James, others may see it differently...but I see a woman that is sure of her decision. I hope I am wrong for your sake...but I just don't see her wavering at all. I will once again suggest that ANY communication you have with her get the approval of your lawyer. While I can see your heart and others here can as well...I wonder if her lawyer couldn't use some of your words and actions against you. Be careful.
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Thanks you two, and in many ways you're right.
I'm not trying to accomplish anything RIGHT NOW with these emails, but it is going to be important in the long run for her to feel comfortable and safe talking to me, regardless of the outcome of the D.. for the sake of DS if nothing else.
I think that there is opportunity here to at least lay the foundation of that, and for me to identify and fill what EN's she will let me meet.
I honestly think right now she desperately wants to feel understood by me.. and that's been the problem so far.. I just didn't understand.. any of it. Sure I knew the 'dynamics' of adultery.. but it still didn't make any sense to me.
I can give her that, I think.. without hurting my custody chances.. and if, at the same time I can lay a foundation for communication between the two of us.. all the better for the future of my son.
The response I came up with this morning was very long.. I need to parse it down.. I'll post here before sending anything.
I don't think there's anything in here for legal wranglings.. just her opening up a little about her feelings now that I've begun acknowledging them.
I really think we're both coming to a point where we're trying to say to eachother that we want the other to stop hurting us.. but we're speaking in terms of respect and consideration.. but I see us both wanting the same thing at least in that regard.. to stop hurting.
Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
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James, I have been following your thread for a few days now.
In her reply she clearly states that she feels you try to control every situation. Whether you do or not isn't important right now, what is important is that she believes this. Any response you make will be viewed by her as you still trying to control things. Doesn't matter the intent or the content, she will view it as such. Show her that you aren't trying to control her or the situation by letting go of it. This is an action and not words, just as others have said here words are meaningless actions are what count.
Now if you can't be convinced not to repsond and let it go then realize how she will see everything you say as trying to control the situation and be very careful. Even in your last response to her you continued to try to educate her as someone else said. You threw in a line about passing on the legacy of divorce to your son, or something like that. I recognized that right away as a jab at her and something that she wouldn't like. You and I both know what is happening passing on that legacy, but saying it to her is not going to win you any points right now. I have been there brother, I have said everything that could be said in an email or in person in that regards and it doesn't help anything. She knows deep down what she is doing to your son, but you telling her will just put more distance between the two of you.
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Even in your last response to her you continued to try to educate her as someone else said. You threw in a line about passing on the legacy of divorce to your son, or something like that. Yes, I saw it too. Also, the Bible verses are an attempt to educate her. I agree w/ formerPF. Demonstrate how you've changed, by your actions. Don't relpy to her e-mail. Not replying IS a response. And in your sitch, it IS a big one. ~ Marsh
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Ok.. I'm sold.. no response to this one... I'll just let things simmer and see what happens.
Got a busy nite tonight, going to be headed out of town to hang with friends.
Going to be good to get out for a while I think.
Thanks everyone for your continued support and advice.
Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
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J-
Future communications advice:
Re-read your "a-ha" post. Because you verge on getting it there.
You do try to control her. Step back and read what you write to her and analyze it from the vantage point of these questions before you hit SEND:
1. Am I telling her how to think?
2. Am I telling her what to do?
3. Am I imposing my desires on her, without regard or consideration of her life and needs?
4. Have I given her credit for being a thinking person, or do I put her in the position of a person "lesser than" myself?
5. Are there any statements in this communication which judge her, or make even a subtle hint at judging her?
What I'm getting at is this: Your own admission notes that you have placed her in a position where you put her beneath you, took care of her, etc. This results in the feelings she has of needing to stand up to you and having to fight for herself again - to regain that which should have been hers all along - to regain her dignity as an individual. She has felt squelched. This is her sense of feeling "controlled". The email you posted really was telling in this, and I'm very happy I was able to help you see that.
I don't know if I was helpful in time, however. I hope I was, but I don't know where you are in the timeline, or what has already transpired.
The return email from her is more fog-like, more babble, and less need-revealing. She pulled back a little, so from my analysis, she has calmed down quite a bit. I think she was a little surprised by your email, but there were still a couple of things (the other posters did a perfect job of pointing out the items!) that you would have been better leaving out.
Another bit of advice on the communications front that you will not like, but might help you out a little bit. When it comes to Bible verses, when faced with this situation it is often not received well on the opposite side. In other words, you are likely not helping your cause too much by quoting verses at her. There may be other ways to get her to read verses, without directly quoting them. One way is to simply quote scripture but leave the citation off. Another is to use quotes from authors she might like who are known Christian writers. Try other approaches, because although your desire to bring her back to her Bible is instictive, my guess is that she cannot do it right now - she may even want to, but can't due to her own shame or guilt. Offer her an alternative, or more subdued approach.
Less is more.
As far as how you two get along, and communicate, you CAN improve this - whether or not you save the marriage. Your "a-ha" post speaks volumes to you. Think about those points, and listen to her.
Give yourself a ten-count before you answer anything she says to you. Watch the change in your interactions with just that one tactic. It is the golden ten, and is almost a never-fail.
Plan A her when you can - stay strong, but tender.
Finally, even if you divorce, the lessons you learn in your own style through this experience will make you a better man. Remember that, and keep the changes. Because the the changes will make the difference for the marriage in your future - whether it be with this wife in the NEW improved marriage, or what happens next.
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Thanks again Schoolbus, I really will try to apply these new perspectives. It's a very fine line between reading into what she's saying what she's really trying to say, and speculating wildly about what she may be thinking. It's difficult I suppose because of how close to the situation I really am.
On the other hand I too have to wonder whether or not everything just comes too late. I've been thinking a lot about her email from Friday and she's right.. so much damage has been done.. so much hurt and pain on both sides now.
I do still love her, and sitting back and looking objectively at this, the only thing we disagree on is how much time I get to have with my son. I've spent a lot of time this weekend just dwelling on the fact that I'm just so tired of hurting, I don't want her to hurt anymore.. and the only way for us to stop fighting and hurting eachother is to come to an agreement on our son. I want no less than 50/50.. I'll accept no less than that, so if the custody eval comes back and is in favor of her.. it's going to be ongoing forever and ever with us having to do this dance.. and I'm sure likewise should I get primary custody. That's not in DS's best interest at all.. and will only fuel animosity between WW and I for years to come..
I honestly don't think she'd accept an offer to do 50/50 anyhow.. we tried at the Temporary orders hearing and she rejected it.. I tried on the phone with her before that and she rejected it.. honestly, I think for her.. where this is concerned, she's more worried about the child support money than anything else like not turning one of DS's parents into a visitor in his life..
She says it'd be too unstable, which I don't get.. if she were concerned with the stability of his life she wouldn't have created this mess in it without trying everything she could to prevent it.. It's never going to be 'stable' in the sense that she describes.. he's always going to be split between two homes.. the only question is the portion of time spent there.. he never asked to lose a home life with his father.. or his mother.. he deserves to have a life with the both of us even if we're not together. I can't stop him from learning the lessons she's going to teach him in his life.. but I want at least the same opportunity to teach him the morals and values I hold true to in mine.. at least give him a fighting chance to see those things in action..
*sigh*
I'm just a little down today folks.. worn down.. I just want it to end.. to be over.. to stop hurting.
I really don't know if I'm fighting for her anymore, so much as I'm simply being obedient to my vows to love her and care for her and be faithful to her as my wife.. I wonder if that feeling will end with the D.. I enjoy the life I'm leading these days, and know that I can be fulfilled in it without her.
I just want us to stop hurting eachother..
Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
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{{{{{{{{{James}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm just a little down today folks.. worn down.. I just want it to end.. to be over.. to stop hurting. I hear your pain dude and know it well. What are the mass readings for the day? JT and I went shopping yesterday and she said some things to me that really reasonated about how lost they are. You and I have to work and I think TODAY I am there at giving them to G-d. We CAN'T fix them, only be in G-ds will and leave them alone. We also can't control the outcome, we just have to walk in faith. Do you really really believe that you have left the outcome to G-d? I thought I had, but then I realized the struggles are me still fighting. The feelings of tired, oh goodness so I understand that. But that's what my history has been, struggles and struggles over and over again. You are my inspiration of faith and that walk in faith. Maybe just being still.... try to not think of her.... just think of that DS on yours who is counting on you to be the best dad possible. Ask G-d how he wants that to look. Besides quitting smoking, what are you doing for yourself. Melody over the weekend posted to ItsJulieJulie thread about the one thing she admired the most was her never feeling sorry for herself. I'm not saying you are at all. I'm just saying that the fight for your son isn't over, the fight for your recovery of yourself isn't over. But as your WW is, so are you in G-ds hands. He loves you just as much and wants you to heal. I know I surely do, but possibly maybe you do to get caught up in the thinking of this and the trying to figure that out. That's when we are not trusting G-d. Keep your faith, do the footwork to get your son, but give the turmoil to G-d and just let him take care of you. I'm rambling and don't know if I am making sense. I just am inspired by you, and understand that hurt that runs so deep, NOT TO MENTION being TIRED.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Posts: 1,900
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Posts: 1,900 |
I really am trying to just let God take care of me.
To be honest though I haven't been doing very well on that front either. Hate to be a letdown to those inspired by my story so far, but truth be told I spent the weekend feeling pretty hopeless, and am honestly about ready to be 'done'..
The thoughts of 'I just want to stop hurting' keep going through my head. I think the only way to do that at this point is to finish out the D and get on with my life, wherever that leads me. No.. it's not ideal for the kids, but honestly, it's not my choice.. I'm just dragging my heels on it at this point and probably would be better served to stop getting in the way of it.
I'm playing around with ideas of calling the lawyer and trying to make a formal offer for 50/50 and we'll just get this all done and finished.. I know she won't go for it though.. she probably figures she needs the money.. I'd wager about anything that it has far more to do with roughly $750/month that she'd like to have than it has to do with 'stability' for DS..
All of this is really starting to take a toll on my body too. I'm always tired because when I do sleep I don't sleep well. I've got stress knotting up my back and shoulders something terrible.
I feel like God wants me to be where I'm at.. that I still have a lot to learn and a lot to work on within myself.. but I'm just so tired of fighting it. Not exactly an inspiring display of heroic strength and personal fortitude.. but that's where I'm at today.
I honestly can't say right now that I'd open the door if she showed up tonight.. It'd take a lot.. and I don't know that I believe in her enough... to get over the lies and the hurt.. and she still blames me for all of it.. hasn't once taken any personal responsibility for anything.. and doesn't look to be likely to. I'm not looking to reconcile under those circumstances. It wouldn't work anyway.. my wounds would never heal in that environment.
I have to be realistic here.. and just take the fight to get my son home where he belongs. That's my only hangup right now. If she were to call me today and say she'd be open to negotiating a 50/50 split.. I'd look to get the paperwork drawn up and be done with this already..
Just tired.. tired of hurting.. tired fo being hurt.. tired of fighting with her.. tired of missing out on having a 'home life' with my son.. he deserves so much better than this.
Me - 32
DS - 5
DD - 13
DSD - 9
D final 12-8-08
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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Posts: 6,643 |
I understand with all my heart. I truly truly understand...
I am here, hugging and praying for you. Because it's the pits and we didn't sign up for this.
Maybe being tired is what G-d needs you to be so you will give it away completely. I think that's the message I am getting right now.
JUST LET GO..... remember that email I sent you a long time ago where the guy is holding onto something and he needs to let go. That's you and me. It's time James for us to just let go and ask G-d to grant us the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.
What is in motion is bigger than us my friend. Go after getting your boy.... Protect him. That's what is the most important thing right now. G-d loves your wife more than you do and needs you to serve him. We just don't know what that is.
If you are tired... concentrate on what you can change. And that's getting your son.
Is this easy... NO WAY, but we have to TRUST G-d. There is NO OTHER WAY FOR YOU AND ME...
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 6,643
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Posts: 6,643 |
James,
Here is that quote at the end of the reading of the day, psalm, and gospel...
Of us God demands purity of heart, that purity which is the life of the soul. He wants besides, since we possess no virtues worthy of Him, a deep respect and true humility. Let us simply be faithful, humble, and confident. He will do the rest.
-- St. Peter Julian Eymard
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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