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I had posted this on a Newbie thread, but thought starting a new thread may be more helpful. So here it goes:

I'm not even sure where to begin with my problem, as I find myself facing several.

FWH had A a couple of years ago while I was pg with DD#2. Ended without much fuss, no contact was ever made again as far as I know (no real emotional connection, more of a fling). We've since been in "recovery" however, getting through the A was the least of our problems. There has been significant verbal and emotional abuse for years that I have dealt with to keep our family together (at all costs, right?). We are currently separated, with the advice of both of our therapists, we were just destroying each other being under the same roof.

In addition to being a BS, I guess, technically I've also been the WW and OW. The OM is someone I work with, and had been mostly an EA, almost since I returned from maternity leave after having DD#2. During this time (past 1.5 years) the OM got married, and separarted from W within just a few months of marriage. When the PA started we were both separated. There was really no sort of revelation to be made as both of our families knew, work knew, (and the BS's knew). So I guess it was an A, however we weren't hiding it, everyone knew we were in a relationship together, and both separated from our spouses.

A little over a month ago we both decided to give our marriages another try, and both agreed NC (although we haven't stuck to it very well, but are trying). I have much more at stake here with 8 years of marriage and 2 DDs (where he has no kids and a couple months of marriage).

My problem is the withdrawl and the fog. I'm having a hard time being accepting of DHs changes (which there have been a few) when I feel like my heart is somewhere else. Like so much damage has been done, even without the OM I'm not going to be able to let DH truely back in to my heart (the abuse took an unbelievable emotional toll). So now I just spend my days barely functioning, missing OM, wondering what he's doing, but sticking to my NC.

Ugh, how on earth did I end up in this mess?? I don't even know WHAT I want at this point, some times I just want to pull the covers over my head never to be seen again (except my girls needs me, so I'm staying strong). DH and I see our counselor again on Wednesday, I think she will agree that we aren't ready to live together again yet, he still has some major anger and abuse issues to overcome, and I'm still afraid to let him in.

Well, if you're still reading, thanks, it feels good to get it all out.


BS, OW, WW (me) 35 FWH 39 2 DDs DHs A ended 9/04 My A ended 8/07 (NC since 9/7/07) Separated, working towards recovery Married 1/2000
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Dazed-

I just posted in your other thread. If you can, try to stick to one ongoing thread so everyone can follow your story by referring to the information in one spot. Otherwise we (ok...I) just get confused.

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Owl....good idea. I'm moving your post here so I can delete the other thread I started for Dazed yesterday.

Ace

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Posts: 2563
Re: Thread for Newbie DAZED4NOW (from Success Story Thread) [Re: dazed4now]
#3306582 - Tue Sep 18 2007 07:56 AM


Dazed-

You realize that if the two of you are seeing each other even 'just in a work capacity'...you'll never get over it, right?

If you are REALLY going to work on your marriage, you're going to HAVE TO find another job to ensure that NC does stick. Otherwise, you're just wasting your time.

Take it from a BH...over time, with work, your feelings for your H can and will return. They did in my wife's case, and we've seen it in countless other poster's situations here as well.

--------------------
"...perhaps many will fully respect your opinions if you give it AND resist insulting them at the same time. -Mr Dubya"

"All carrot and no stick makes Jane a "girls gone wild" kind of gal." -Plank

Wife had an online EA of about 3 months
D-day 05/11/04
Status- Recovery

Last edited by Ace_in_bucket; 09/18/07 10:44 AM.
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That would be good, I think I'm even confusing myself at this point...LOL


BS, OW, WW (me) 35 FWH 39 2 DDs DHs A ended 9/04 My A ended 8/07 (NC since 9/7/07) Separated, working towards recovery Married 1/2000
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Hang in there, Dazed. Take a deep breath.....you can do this.

I'm certain others will be by soon.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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And in answer to OWL's response, yes, I realize one of us needs to find a new job. Luckily we work in different buildings and can go a very long time without ever running in to each other. I have started looking for something new, but can't leave my current job with the precarious state my M is in, and if I may be single soon.

Again, blech...I'm just so miserable


BS, OW, WW (me) 35 FWH 39 2 DDs DHs A ended 9/04 My A ended 8/07 (NC since 9/7/07) Separated, working towards recovery Married 1/2000
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Quote
Again, blech...I'm just so miserable

If doing the right thing were easy, nobody would get divorced and/or have an affair. And please, for the sake of all those BSs here, just admit you had and affair and it was wrong. Don't qualify your affair by saying, "Well, we were both separated, and everyone knew about it, so blah, blah, blah..." It was wrong, you shouldn't have done it, and while I understand that there were circumstances in your situation that made the affair possible, there are no excuses for it. Us BSs have heard plenty of the same justifications from our own wives, so we are sick of hearing it. There is NEVER an excuse to have an emotional and/or physical connection to ANYONE other than your spouse as long as you are still married, especially if the OP is married as well. Let me tell you, your relationship with the OM would have never worked out, so don't dwell on it anymore. It is just a waste of energy.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
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You're right, I do sound like I'm justifying it, and maybe I still am, hence the reason it's harder to get over. I am admitting it's wrong and committing to doing the right thing. A good dose of reality (like Jim's post) are very helpful.


BS, OW, WW (me) 35 FWH 39 2 DDs DHs A ended 9/04 My A ended 8/07 (NC since 9/7/07) Separated, working towards recovery Married 1/2000
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Hi Dazed-

I'm a FWW. I believe that you do firmly want to do the right thing- that's why you're here.

Withdrawal is hard, but there are things that can help. What's the most difficult aspect for you? We'll brainstorm some solutions.

Oh... and welcome to MB <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

~Saturn


Me: 45
Him: 47
married 23 years
Two wonderful sons
D-day for my EA: 8/15/04
D-day for his PAs: 8/16/06

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dazed,

FIRST thing that I would do is make a solid decision to save my M. A plan will fall into place once you make this decision. This has to be a decision you make FOR you, not for your H. If YOU don't choose it, it won't happen. I think of it in terms of stopping some poor behavior because someone else wants you to, like drinking or smoking or drugs. It will not STICK unless it's your decision to change YOUR behavior, separate from your marriage.

Second, find another job. Don't even think "I realize one of us needs to find a new job". Think "I need to find a new job". There is no US. There is only you. You can find another job that pays close to or above what you earn, and you will be in the SAME boat IF you guys divorce, so don't make excuses for yourself.


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Divorced April 2009
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Yes, the withdrawl is the hardest part, I'm numb to everything else right now, so someone could come up to me and scream in my ear what an idiot I am, and I don't know how much of a difference it would make. I WANT to get through this. As far as my M, that's a hard one, up until this point I've stuck it out for my "family" and not for my DH. We're working in counseling to even figure out if it can be saved (the depths we sunk even before my A were pretty dark). In my mind they feel like 2 separate issues (but maybe they aren't), getting through this fog, and deciding if my marriage is repairable.

As far as the hardest part, I miss OM like crazy, every single second of the day. I'm thinking shock therapy might be a good way to go (j/k). I stare at the phone, and know I can't pick it up. I could walk next door and knock on his door, but I don't, I just want a time machine to help me get through this part.


BS, OW, WW (me) 35 FWH 39 2 DDs DHs A ended 9/04 My A ended 8/07 (NC since 9/7/07) Separated, working towards recovery Married 1/2000
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Been there, Dazed. Like you, my marriage kinda sucked so it was hard for me to focus on that instead of OM. I made it a personal goal of recovery, not a marriage goal. I was tired of hating myself and desperately wanted my integrity back.

So... here is some reading material:
Guide for wayward wives

When thoughts of OM would pop into my mind, I played a distraction trick that I think was posted by MEDC here. I would consciously name everything in my field of vision: computer screen, mouse, file folder, coffee cup, printer, etc. Keep that up for at least a minute and it will help you turn your mind to something else. The trick is to change your focus before the feelings sink in (there is about a 10-second delay between thinking of OM and missing him... distract yourself before that 10 seconds is over).

Hope this helps get you through the first stage. It will get easier each day.

Keep posting and don't give up-
~Saturn

Last edited by SaturnRising; 09/18/07 12:21 PM.

Me: 45
Him: 47
married 23 years
Two wonderful sons
D-day for my EA: 8/15/04
D-day for his PAs: 8/16/06

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Thanks Saturn - I read the link, very helpful

Since DH isn't really around to lean on I'm relying a lot on the support of friends and family. They know what I'm going through, so when I get the urge to contact OM, I contact them instead.

Home at night alone once the kids go to bed is the hardest, I feel like I'm going insane. I also know if I pick up that phone I have to start ALL over again from square one, and I don't think my sanity could handle it.


BS, OW, WW (me) 35 FWH 39 2 DDs DHs A ended 9/04 My A ended 8/07 (NC since 9/7/07) Separated, working towards recovery Married 1/2000
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Yes, it's a lot like trying to quit smoking or drinking. Keeping a tally of your NC days is helpful- once you're up to 10, or 25, or 100, you really don't want to go back to zero right?

Start right now and make a list of stuff to do tonight to keep you away from the phone. Unplug it/turn it off and move to a different place in your house. Do you have closets to clean out? Photos of the baby to put in the scrapbook? Scrub the shower grout with a toothpick?Unfinished projects that will keep your hands busy and distract your mind?

Also, put a plan in place in case OM contacts you. Can you block his phone number/email address?

It's great that your friends are helping. You'll make it.

Keep strong-
~Saturn


Me: 45
Him: 47
married 23 years
Two wonderful sons
D-day for my EA: 8/15/04
D-day for his PAs: 8/16/06

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I haven't even thought about what I'd do if OM contacted me, it just never occured to me that he would. We both agreed we just wouldn't.

My 5 year old keeps me busy a good portion of the night, then after that I need to find something to do. I would usually run on the treadmill, but a recent broken foot has stalled most physical efforts.

I also made a choice not to drink any alcohol. It's never been an issue, as I'm a "glass of wine once in a while" type, but I KNOW having a drink will make it 10 times harder.

It didn't seem like DH had ANY withdrawls from his A, is this more of a WW thing?


BS, OW, WW (me) 35 FWH 39 2 DDs DHs A ended 9/04 My A ended 8/07 (NC since 9/7/07) Separated, working towards recovery Married 1/2000
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dazed,

Saturn is really giving you some great advice.

When my WH left, and I went to plan B, I too had to do all that I could to avoid calling him, emailing him, thinking of him. I started working on my house. I started thinking about colors and subtle changes, like moving the furniture around. I also cleaned things, the fridge, under my bed, the walls, mirrors, whatever, all while listening to happy music.

It sounds like withdrawal from OP IS like withdrawal from smoking. When I felt the urge to light up, I would get up and move around, or recite some silly poem or limerick, or sing a silly song. I felt like I had ants in me pants for about a month, then things were pretty smooth sailing.

Even us BS's have to go thru withdrawal from our spouses, so I understand.

I think personal recovery is a very good goal. It's my main focus right now.


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I'm only on day 5 officially, I think, so I'll start my tally. Thanks for all the advice, now I just need to wait for it to all sink it...(I forgot a phone call there in my sig, I should change it)


BS, OW, WW (me) 35 FWH 39 2 DDs DHs A ended 9/04 My A ended 8/07 (NC since 9/7/07) Separated, working towards recovery Married 1/2000
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Dazed,

Hope this gets you started. Take things in a little at a time. You've been given alot to think about.....and I'm sure you'll have more questions.

Glad you decided to post, ....and it's really good that you have your own thread now.

The only bad question is the one you are too fearful to ask. Sooooo...ask away...and be patient...AND like Owl said, keep everything on one thread for now.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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So dazed... didja make it? Can we say today is Day #6?


Me: 45
Him: 47
married 23 years
Two wonderful sons
D-day for my EA: 8/15/04
D-day for his PAs: 8/16/06

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Yep, today is day #6 ;-)

How about you Saturn, how are you holding up?

BTW, I showed DH this site last night, and well, he sorta freaked out. I guess he said it went against just about everything he's been learning in his anger maangement course (something about paranoid anger). I guess even as a BS (this time), it just wasn't his thing. I told him I was just visiting to get ideas, pointers, vent...that kind of stuff.

We have counseling at 10:00am, I think it should go pretty well (fingers crossed)


BS, OW, WW (me) 35 FWH 39 2 DDs DHs A ended 9/04 My A ended 8/07 (NC since 9/7/07) Separated, working towards recovery Married 1/2000
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