Woo-Hoo!!!

<generous applause>

After tomorrow, treat yourself for making it a week. Do something nice <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />



I quit counting when I reached a year of NC. It's been about 15 months for me.

Last October OM emailed me, but I don't count that one against myself. Like I suggested to you yesterday: you need a plan just in case HE contacts YOU. I had a plan, and it went well: I did not open the email, and instead asked my husband to read it first. He and I then decided together how to handle it.



This is interesting- what part freaked him out?

Good luck with the counseling today!

~Saturn

I think the part about the GPS tracking and spying, he thought is sounded a bit nutty.

Anyhoo...how close (distance wise) was your OM? Mine happens to be one building over, and it is weighing on me. I keep thinking, if we've both agreed to NC, then what's the problem? Right? Am i being unrealistic here?

My OM (ex-boyfriend from high school) lives 750 miles away. Thank God.

Yes, I believe you need to change jobs. As Dr. Harley says- you need "extraordinary precautions" in place to prevent even accidental contact.

Contact even counts if you hear about OM though co-workers, or if his name is on a memo that you read, or if he checks out a book in the company library before you... you get the idea. The whole point is to eliminate reminders of him so you can move on. That would be really hard with him right next door.

Dazed-

I forgot to ask...does your H know about your affair with OM? Does OMW know about his with you?

Never mind accidently bumping him to him, I have 3 meetings with him over the next 2 weeks (one of them being a full day...blech)

Yes, DH has even spoken to him (DH was over one evening when OM called the house), and yes, I've even spoken to OMs wife (they no longer live together, I was helping him move in to his new place). Like I mentioned before both my family and his know about our relationship, as well as work...so no big revelations to be had on that front.

Wasn't so much worried about "revelations"...but since your H does know, you should be working WITH him to help yourself out of this situation.

Have you considered marriage counseling? What actual steps are you and your H doing to rebuild your marriage at this point?

How about getting an "accountability partner" at work, who can help "check up on you" to keep you from caving in while you're in withdrawl?

How about exposing the affair to your boss, admit to what's gone on, let them know that you're now trying to do the right thing, and see if there's anything that they can do to help you relocate...and avoid OM in the interim?

Have you started to ACTIVELY search for a new job? Have you and your H discussed to determine if your family can do without your income for a short time so that you can leave this job even before you find a new one?

This isn't the time to sit down and wait for the feelings to go away. This is the time to ACT on the hurt that you're feeling and use it to move yourself and your marriage in the right direction. Make sense?

DH and I are in individual counseling as well as couples counseling. We are still on the fence about whether the M can even be saved (above and beyond the A), but we're leaving no stone unturned for the sake of our family.

My boss knows, she also knows I've thought about looking for something new, but not actively. I'm still in "confused and numb" mode. DH and I are separated, me not working is not an option right now.

I guess for right now I have to take it day by day, and know that contact with OM will do neither of us any good (even for our own sanity and piece of mind. I'm not even sure what the status of his M is, as they are also separated).

Back to day #1 of NC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What happened? Specifically. What was the event that caused you to think about him, then what happened in your head that allowed you to make the choice to contact him?

If you know your weak points, you can set up actions to protect them.

The easier it is to do, the harder it is to change. So make it HARD to contact him.

Please get back on the wagon and keep trying.
~Saturn

I thought for sure he was covering in the ICU all day, so I didn't worry about running in to him. I was in Radiology (which he would rarely be in) and just happened to need to drop something off, and saw me.

He called about an hour later to say it was good to see me, missed me, yadda yadda.

That's it, back on the wagon today...

He called about an hour later to say it was good to see me, missed me, yadda yadda.

I hope you told him clearly

without any comment to what he said..

I don't want you to call me again ever
I don't want to talk to you ever except if forced to about work.

ARk

I see- you work in a hospital. So do I. It's hard to avoid people in that environment because it's so busy and people don't stay in one place (like a business setting with offices and cubicles).

First: start today to search for a new job. There are LOTS of health care jobs; you are very lucky to be in a career that makes it easy to change locations.

Second: your key mistake was in answering your phone. As I suggested earlier, block his number(s) and also get caller ID if you don't already have it. When he calls you, don't answer. Then send him a NEW NO-CONTACT LETTER. My OM required four NC letters before he stopped.

How did counseling go yesterday?

I'm very new to this, no, that wasn't my response at all:(

We both agreed we felt better/more honest with ourselves when we aren't talking, so at least we agreed on that point.

And yes, I told H we spoke.

Counseling went fine.

The funny thing is, H doesn't really even care if I still talk to OM, and doesn't think I should get a new job.

It's all really strange.

I told H about this board again, he said to stay off it, it sounded horrific (and my counselor agreed), I guess they aren't big MB fans??

That's interesting, and adds an unusual twist to the MB principles.

The policy of joint agreement states that a person should never do something without enthusiastic agreement of their spouse. So, that would mean stay away from MB if your husband doesn't like it!

Usually it's the wayward spouse that hates MB, but in your case it's the reverse.

I guess it's up to you. What do you think?

I think I want to go back to bed...LOL

Honestly, I'm liking the alone thing right now. Hanging out with my DDs, watching Dr 90210, no arguing with anyone. I'm letting it ride for now.

I realize I'm not going about this the MB way, it's just that since I don't know what I want, and either does H, it's easier for now to do nothing I guess.

Fair enough.

Blessings and Peace to you and your daughters-
~Saturn

I'm with Ark, let this guy know not to contact you with a NC letter, block his email right now, delete his number in your cell, block it, don't answer when he's on caller ID. If you do answer, restate the NC and hang up. I know how hard it must be to resist, but it is what's best for you, first and foremost.

Not knowing what you want is still no excuse to continue contact, as it is still an affair at that point.

Enjoy your girls, enjoy your life, work on YOU, rebuild YOU. Make your life good so that another person coming into it just enhances it, instead of NEEDING that OP, you WANT that OP.

If you get sessions with your MC alone, maybe a discussion about his view on MB is in order, asking what specifically he is against in the principles. A BLANKET NO just doesn't seem right to me, but that's me. Do you like your MC, feel comfortable, etc?

Anyway, hope you can stick around. This place has helped me in personal recovery quite a bit. It would be a shame to miss out on that aspect...

dazed4

Am I the only one who finds that post 24 hours of contact containing ...I miss you...blah blah blah...

here you are back on the fence about working on your marriage....

you have tw daughters who are at great risk to have their parents floating strangers in and out of their life...

creating environments in which children's stability have no value...
and if the future holds being strangers in their parents home...oh well

feeling replaced by their parents boyfriends/girlfriends splitting holidays and having no examples of committment and marriage to model after...

what's gonna happen when you or hubby get remarried and your children are at the mercy of 'new step-mommy'

who wants to have her own children with their father...
so that when they go there...they see a daddy spending all his time with them...and limited time with his first children...

you got two daughters...
who in my opinion deserve people making a real honest effort before giving in and up....

that's not to say that ALLLL marriages should be saved
that's not to say that there are any garuntees..

but there sure are ways that apply the best effort....

it' psychological babble.....work on oneself...
be the best you can be for YOU....

bleechhh....

silentlucidity...with all due respect..I find the advice to work on oneself to make way for new men to come in to the life of growing daughters...feel good pop-pyche stuff...meant to never ever offend and whatever feels good....
is best.....

very very bad advice...
especially to someone on the fence

you should be spending FAMILY time with your husband...
working on building trust and love units...
and building an environment in which it is safe to deal with root core issues....

do you not find it ironic dazed4...that the OM you choose...couldn't even hold his marriage together longer than what a year give or take...

sheesh....

another prime example of someone who has NO idea about committment, vows etc....

he's like your husband in that respect....

I don't mean to sound harsh

this where the bull stops as far as I am concerned...the serious get serious...

life is SHORT fleeting and gone in an instant....

we can self analyze ourselves in to the grave...and in the end ...for what purpose....

ARK^^

Oh, Ark, I hear you. I didn't mean to imply that she shouldn't try to save her marriage. I certainly believe that her children deserve an intact, loving family.

I was talking about her saying that there is abuse in her relationship with her husband, and that may be stopping her. She does need to figure out what is going on with her, beyond this OM, but not in a way that forsakes her vows. IMO, she needs to respect her H and drop OM like a hot cake. I don't care what her H HAS done to her, or what affairs he has had (apparently something going on there), I'm talking to her, not her H.

I do believe in working on yourself, to fix what is wrong with you, that would lead you believe that your happiness is more important than the sum of things. Yes, you want to strive to be happy, but not while you scorch the earth that your children live upon.

I am not telling her to make way for any new men. No way, no how. I'm simply stating that something is adrift IN HER, and to look within and be honest with herself. If she doesn't, no matter what we say, she will make excuses to pick up that phone and talk to other man, because she is "Oh, whoa is me-ing" about how unhappy her M is, blaming someone else for her missteps.

IMO, she is her worst enemy.

thanks, Ark, sometimes I am not real clear about what I mean. I want dazed to take a hard look at herself and come clean. I agree that divorce is going to mean the end of a stable life for her kids, and that they deserve more than what she is giving them. I never had that, so I am a big advocate of doing all that you can to save your M, hence ME following MB plans.

I do raise an eyebrow to a counselor who doesn't agree with COMPLETE openness and honesty in a marriage, and that is why I suggested she speak with him/her about it. Her husband has a wayward mentality, too, IMO, and it will not serve them well to be with a counselor that is not PRO marriage. (this coming from someone who can't get her FWH to step foot in a counselor's office <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />)