well, jerry, who is ever really ready to hear all this stuff?

It is a necessary evil. I had to hear it. I had to hear what he was hiding because I could feel he was hiding something.

I HAD to know.

What will I do with it?

I'm still thinking ...

RLT,

I'm with Jerry on this one...

Would it have been easier had he kept it all a secret? He lied. Now he has told the truth. What will you decide to do with it? If you decide for Plan D, so be it. But don't decide based purely on the hurt over finding out the truth.

The wall can come down...

Mark

Problem is I don't think RLT has reached the bottom of the rabbit hole yet. There is yet more to be revealed IMO.

BK, what MORE could there BE???

I am not doubting you at all. I just wonder, how much more? What could he possibly tell me?

I understand the question, what will I do with it.
I am filled with hurt and anger right now, so I can't answer the question.

But I read Noodle, and man, her posts send shivers down my spine. Fear ... yeah. And lots of it.

Well truth is, no one is ever ready to hear that stuff. OTOH, you have been given a gift of sorts, one that I am sure I will never hear.

At least you have the truth in which to make an informed decision about your life. I am sure I will never have that luxuary. I actually envey you in many respects. You can now choose freely what you will do with your truth.

I trust you will listen to God, and understand that D is not His best and first choice for you and your H. He will not disallow it, but it is not His first choice for you. Are you open to this very humbling decision. You will have to be very strong to overcome the resetment.

I think you have it in you RLT, I really do.

All Blessings,
Jerry

I don't know RLT - that is why I still think you should get a Polygraph to make sure you do have everything otherwise you will always wonder.

Know what BK, you are probably right(as usual).

I guess the other prospective I was trying to bring into this discussion, was what is the point?

If your fwh has decided he was totally wrong and now wants to put his best effort int the M and R, well... what better gift could you have dropped into your lap?

Can you overcome your bitterness and resentment, to the point of actually reconsiling your M? Is the bitter truth going to help you do that?

It is your life RLT, but it doesn't have to be filled with bitterness. this, then, becomes YOUR choice. I pray you discern with Wisdom.

All blessings,
Jerry

The only point is Jerry that it would be a sign that MrRLT actually does want to demonstrate absolute transperency openness and honesty - not pay them lip service but demonstrate it.

Because lets face it, he's a pretty convincing liar.

This isn't a man who ended his affair and confessed when busted. It's a man who has been lying to her for their entire marriage. Why should she and how can she believe him now? Just because he says so?

I certainly do not advocate RLT being filled with bitterness. I want her to recover and even to recover her marriage if possible.

I'm sure MrRLT is sorry now - but is he really sorry or just sorry he was caught? Is he sorry enough to give her the full disclosure, openness and honesty recovery requires? That is the question. It would be a great relief to me if I was RLT and my husband had the polygraph and nothing else was revealed. That would be a positive step in rebuilding trust wouldn't it?

[quote] [I'm sure MrRLT is sorry now - but is he really sorry or just sorry he was caught? Is he sorry enough to give her the full disclosure, openness and honesty recovery requires? That is the question. It would be a great relief to me if I was RLT and my husband had the polygraph and nothing else was revealed. That would be a positive step in rebuilding trust wouldn't it?


/quote]
BK, as usual, absolutely true!
In the book by David Carder entitiled " Torn Assunder" he is very poited that the WS must undergo a thing called "godly sorrow" for the havoc that they have imposed upon their BS.
Without it, there will be no true forgiveness or R of the M.

I agree with this 100%, and if a lie detector is neccessary to achieve it, so be it.

All blessings,
Jerry

THE POINT is...a BS should have the truth so that he/she can decide if they want to stay with this person. The truth is the only way to afford a BS that choice.

How are you doing this morning, RLT?

Mark

RLT

Here's the thing that bothers me about your husband's sudden acquiescence toward the lie detector test. His anger about being asked to do it was a dead giveaway that he wasn't living an honest life with you and he knew the gig was just about up. So now all of a sudden he comes clean?

The thing is, this is not the sign of a changed man - just one who will now guilt you into staying in the marriage and giving him one more chance...?

The fruits of a changed man is that he asks nothing of you; in fact, he will help you do what you need to do to feel whole again - and he knows that this is not something HE has the power to do, since he recognizes that he was the one to put you through the shredder.

The reformed and truly repentant cheater focuses on getting to the roots of his own character defects instead of worrying about saving a marriage. Though he's grieved that the marriage may be over, he works hard to take care of your needs, knowing it may be too little too late. He does it anyway. With no expectations.

If you need a divorce, there will be no immature retaliation, no guilt-tripping... He recognizes that he was the one who destroyed this family and he lacks the power to put it back together. So he turns to God - and mans up to this new reality.

If the betrayed spouse heals and wants to give the reformed cheater another chance - that's entirely her choice - and the measure of God's hand in healing her heart. The only way she can come back to this family with hope is through her own wellness - and connection with God - not because she has trust that the changes in her WS are real or lasting. That takes time. And grace. And "staying married" at this point, may or may not provide that time.

RLT - focus on healing for you. And just watch - because if WS pulls any manipulative crap as he did this weekend, you can re-read Noodle's posts to you for the reality you must resign yourself to - and know that now you are doing this to yourself of your own choices.

A wise woman once advised me to prepare for a life separate from my husband. I documented everything I needed to do in order to accomplish this. Then she advised me to just take on one of those things today. I don't have to handle it all today. Just one thing. And then keep breathing and living, taking care of the other necessities of life - my job, my son, my house and yard... That way I didn't have to get overwhelmed. Just filling out the paperwork at the lawyer's office was a reality check for me. And husband. Only my husband didn't get it for 6 months - while he lived in his manipulative world, I moved out of that realm of influence. When we'd meet in our minister's office - that was the only time I'd see him - and he'd lay out all these conditions for reconcillation - I'd look at the minister and say, I don't need to be married that bad. And then I'd be quiet and watch - to see if I could see any sign of that mighty change of heart I Knew I'd need to see before I'd come back.

Meanwhile I just kept handling one thing a day. It still took six months before I saw what I needed to see.

WOW! Your post says so much that hits home with me.

Would you kindly check out my thread and be the wise woman for me. Tell me what your list looked like. I really feel I need to walk away. I need to move forward toward a life separate from my H. And ONLY IF I see the "changed man" you described above will I CONSIDER taking him back.

Medc (and others),

Can you tell me if you know anything about voice polygraphs?

skip the voice polygraph

go with the traditional method

the only advantage I see to a VP is for the person being tested...they are not hooked up to a machine.
But consider this...
A VP works by detecting stress patterns in a persons speech...and it may or may not do it effectively...I guess the jury is still out on them.
A traditional polygraph would interpret that same stress in a few different ways. First, the experienced examiner will pretty much know when someone is bs'ing them...AND the machine will read the responses to the stress...heart rate, BP, perspiration and respiration. I would sooner take my chances with the proven technology.

Mark,

Thank you for checking in on me.

This is the first morning, since the bomb dropped, that I have been alone. My daughter stayed home from school yesterday, so I had to keep my emotions in check.

Now I am starting to put the puzzle pieces together all over again. And everything I thought I knew, is now just trash. I have to re think everything all over again, laying this new information over it.

OMG,I cannot believe the additional lies that are coming to surface. It's making me ill. I just see everyone--Mr. Rlt, OW, IL's, all laughing at me. What a fool I am. Even after he has an affair, I believe his words. I am sick with myself. I hate myself for giving him the benefit of the doubt. He has disrespected me with his continued lies. Yesterday he said he is sorry that now I know everything. I still don't feel I know everything. I just have a feeling. But then again, my thoughts are not even credible. I can't trust myself.

I am smoking again (after one month off). I am not eating. I have pains in my stomach, sharp shooting pains when I walk up the stairs. And I am crying a lot, sometimes uncontrollably. My whole world seems surreal right now. And my kids are very depressed, feeling like they are walking on shaky ground, because they are. They don't know what will happen tomorrow, and I see it in their faces.

Mr. RLT's friend called me yesterday. He is a reformed alcoholic, reborn Christian. He was trying to help, but actually he yelled at me, saying that I had no right to bring up past sins of Mr. RLT, that they are in the past, and I have no right to ask about them because he has already been forgiven by God.

He said that I have to stop playing the victim, because that is what I am doing. He said I am 50% to blame in this because we are all sinners.

He made me feel like $hit. He had the same entitlement attitude as Mr. RLT, and my IL's. He is feeding this to Mr. RLT. Just what he needs, right? More BS. But the scary thing is, is that he is coating it with Christianity.
He also said I am never to bring up the affair again.

These things are true, but not at this point, right? At some point I don't bring up the affair, but right now I'm in the middle of it.

This friend is an adulterer himself. And as a result his children live in another state. He is heartbroken over it. I know his adultery story. It is devious and heinous what he did to his wife.

can you expand on this, MEDC?

oops, I see you already did.

Okay, he told me that VP are 98% conclusive,preferred by FBI, CIA, etc. And that there is no way a person can change the voice patterns to try and cover up a lie. I'm not trying to contradict, MEDC, just putting in more info that he gave me.

The friend of your H is a jerk off. Tell himn to shove his advice up his butt.