RLT,

Just trying to be a more removed observer here...

Anger, resentment, distrust, mistrust and pain over things past, even recent past...All are justified and all are your right and fully acknowledged and understandable right now.

It's OK to be all of those things.

But the question for both of you is are both of you willing to work together from this point to try to fix it?

MR RLT,

Yep; it's your fault your marriage has reached this point. It's pretty much all your doing. You are going to have to fight like h377 to save your marriage. You will probably have to fight harder than RLT did when she first committed to saving the marriage.

The difficulty you now have is that history is against you at this point. She first began to fight to save your marriage because of the history you had together, but she has since found out that what she always believed to be true was all a lie. That was your doing, I'm afraid and I have no idea how you will ever be able to restore that. The resentment for what has happened is much deeper than you could have imagined in your worst nightmares.

But, and this is where I think the only chance for your marriage lies, the past cannot be changed and it will be what happens next that will determine if you are still married a couple of years from now. All you, Mr RLT can do is try to do anything and everything to make it up to her.

And RLT, all you can do is let him try.

This will NOT be better tomorrow or this time next week or maybe even a year from now unless MOVEMENT is replaced by ACTION.

Talking won't do it.

Discussions won't do it.

Rehashing what happened won't do it.

RLT, DO you see ANY way you are ever going to forgive him for what has transpired? If not, then maybe a separation is in order until your emotions are played out. Not to say that you can't remain angry and even resentful, but the raw pain of it all right now is clouding your reason.

And Mr RLT, you need a plan and need it fast. Your marriage is bleeding to death and it is because of a wound you inflicted and subsequent revelation of previous wounds that went undiscovered and therefore unresolved for years. Unless you can stop the bleeding, the marriage is doomed.

RLT, your feelings have been validated repeatedly by others on this forum. You are hurt, confused and mad as h377!

But Let's look for a solution to the marriage.

The other option is to abolish the marriage and move on without each other.

Somebody has to take the lead one way or the other. He said/she said will not do anything good for anyone at this point.

A pastor, MC, a trusted friend of the marriage, someone has to mediate this. Not at a distance, but face to face with everyone staring at the same 4 walls.

This is beginning to resemble a swarm of sharks smelling blood in the water and circling the source looking to take a bite. I personally will support saving this marriage or even support bringing it to a peaceful end, but I will not pour gasoline on the fire rather than try to extinguish it.

JMHO and FWIW.

Mark

Mark,

Wonderful suggestions! You Rock.

Who

good suggestions yes...but until he comes clean about everything and passes a polygraph, RLT shouldn't even consider allowing him any access to her heart...not one little bit.
He is an abuser and should be treated as such until he proves otherwise.

Mr RLT<-----

"I feel uncomfortable! Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! That means that YOU are doing something wrong! Maybe everything wrong. I will isolate every decision you have made and decide it's wrong one at a time until you get busy making me comfortable again."

In the mind of Mr RLT...he is YOUR victim.

Everything would be FINE if you would just stop trying to be his wife instead of his mommy.

Everything would be FINE if you stopped trying to be his equal.

PS...The uber gushy language tipped me off too.

The question that needs to be answered here is this...

What will it take for him to remain married to RLT and have the kind of marriage she wants to have?

That is what he needs to do. Nothing else at this point matters.

Mr RLT if you don't, won't or can't agree to ANY terms to save your marriage at this point, it is done.

And should be...

But the beatings have reached the point of diminishing returns. RLT is not being helped by them; he is not being helped by them and the marriage is not being helped by them. They are now becoming nothing more than venting self-serving emotional content left over from personal issues that have gone unresolved and are now being recognized in another situation.

If the band wagon gets anyone else climbing on board, it will collapse of its own weight.

Suggestions as to what to DO have ceased long ago and what remains is what amounts to name calling and "me too" comments.

RLT needs to decide if she is even willing to let him try to save the marriage and what she needs from him for that to happen. Until the first is decided, everything else is a dead issue. If she decides she has had it, not what we all think her answer should be but what SHE wants to happen, no input matters.

And IF she decides that she is willing to let the marriage continue in hopes of saving it, then she has to decide what she needs from him to make that happen. Opinions then should reflect efforts to that end.

At this point everyone knows what has happened and who is at fault for what.



IF anyone with left over resentment needs to vent it because it still drives them nuts, start a venting past baggage thread and let RLT think without being prodded into what we all think she should do to avoid OUR mistakes. Give guidance where asked for and support when needed, but let's give the girl a break from tuning up the resentment another notch since until she gets HER thoughts under control she will not have any idea which way to go.

And telling MR RLT what HE is thinking, feeling or not doing is equivalent to barking at the moon...

Mark

Mark...you are entitled to your opinion....but don't tell me...and I will speak for just me...how to post.
The suggestions are flowing...you just don't agree with the direction of the flow.


When you say nothing else at this point matters ...in a way you are right...but bottom line is, there is still a lot of truths to be told here. As much as you want to be disrespectfl to the good people giving advice here....it has NOTHING to do with their own resentments...or how to avoid OUR mistakes...this is about RLT.

I agree with Mark.


(((((RLT)))))

FTS

Mark,

I will second MEDC's sentiments, do not tell me how to post.



There are no sharks here, only people concerned with and who care about RLT.



What matters at this point is that RLT is protected.



Opinions have reflected at this point what needs to happen.



There is no one on this thread with left over resentments, perhaps experience with serial cheaters who have knowledge on how to deal them. Do you Mark, have experience with serial cheaters?



There have been many solutions offered. There have been many suggestions offered.

I have just driven five hours to be with my husband and am on his laptop, because I am worried sick about RLT.

Do you realize Mark, that she has never had another boyfriend. That she has probably never worked outside of the home. Ther her WH has cheated on her when they were dating, when they were newleyweds, when she was pregnant, when she had small children...

Her husband is a serial cheater. She is completely at his financial mercy, that her self esteem is in the gutter...

And you have the audacity to come on here and tell her that all she can do is watch him try.

That is ABSULUTELY NOT ALL SHE CAN DO! She can put measures in place to protect herself financially. She can put measures in place to protect herself emotionally. She is ABSOLUTLEY NOT AT HIS MERCY.

HER SERIEAL CHEATING, WAYWARD HUSBAND WILL NOT CHANGE UNTIL HE ABOSLUTELY HAS TO, AND IT IS UP TO RLT TO LET HIM KNOW THAT SHE WILL NO LONGER LIVE THIS WAY.

Once she is protected, she can sit back and watch him try.

You will help them have a peaceful divorce if that is what she wants.... how nice of you.

She doesn't have to get divorced or sit back and watch him try...those are not her only options. She has the option of taking control of the situation and saying NO MORE. She does have that option.

I am doing a complete right turn on this one and saying that she does not need to sit back and watch...she needs to take action. He is the one who needs to sit back and watch. Watch her go, watch her grow in strength, watch her say, I DO NOT NEED TO SETTLE FOR THIS ANY MORE.

Are you going to be around next year MARK, when, if RLT doesn't make any changes and get tough, and get strong, and get some financial security?


And if you are talking about me having unresolved issues, I am happily married, financially independent...and I care a great deal about women who are being abused. Women who have never known anything other than what they are left sitting holding when the person who is supposed to love, honor and protect them has reduced them to having no options at all.

I will stay on this thread, and speak as I see fit, until I know that RLT has found her strength and is control of her situation.

Bravo Weaver!

My recommendation is to take the game-plan off the board now. Since WHofRLT is reading here and plotting against her instead of protecting her from himself, let's not give him any game plan she might choose for herself.

She needs a safe place where he can't thwart with his continued psychological war on her.

RLT - my best wishes for a safe and gentle weekend.

Weaver said it all..

I personally think it is HELPFUL to know that people just don't buy Mr RLTs stuff. It's helpful for her to know because her head is spinning. For her to do nothing would be exremely damaging.

And, since you don't know a thing about me....I am ANYTHING BUT someone with unresolved issues. I too am happily married, financially independent and am in no way venting some past issues that I have projected to this situation. I am just profoundly sad and upset that for all RLT has been through, she now has to endure this present assault on her life.

Weaver:

Cool. That was very well said.

Mark:

You know what the only difference between WHofRLT and a troll is? Apparently, he's "married" 2 someone on this thread.

That's it.

Same hit and run posting style.

Same lies, intended 2 dupe not only rlt, but everyone here. Frankly, ink me among the ranks of those who saw a hollow phoney in the first post.

Can this marriage be saved? I have no idea. I only know me and my marriage, and probably not even as well as I should.

But a serial cheater? And since before the marriage?

The odds aren't particularly good.

Go ahead, WHofRLT, prove me wrong. I double-dog dare ya.

...but frankly, I will be surprised 2 see another post from the man.

Go ahead, prove me wrong. I TRIPLE-dog dare ya!

Like a former vet here used 2 say in cases like this, though... ...I HATE being lied 2.

A truly FWS coming here for help and catching my attention on these boards is one thing. I'd be happy 2 give some of my perspectives. Heck, even an active WS sincerely trying 2 stop, I'd try 2 help if I could.

But an active (in all probability) WS LYING 2 try 2 make it appear they really want 2 do whatever it takes 2 make amends for the crap they've pulled?

-ol' 2long.

Im the BS of a FWH serial adulterer who did not stop until his own son walked in on him and the OW in our home.

RLT... his ACTIONS are speaking louder than any defense he canmake. Please listen to his ACTIONS. What are they saying to you?

To me they are saying its still ALL ABOUT HIM and nothing about you.

I'd run.

I have no advice. I know how it feels to be w/ a serial cheater. My WH only confessed to one, but once other people knew we were seperated the stories started coming. I couldn't handle it. I often had to say,"Enough, I can't hear anymore." And then the lack of remorse from WH...

It is overwhelming. It is..there is no words.

RLT...just checking in to see how you are doing.

Thank you for all of your responses.

I took a well needed 48 hour reprieve from my house with my daughter. It did a world of good.

A lot happened yesterday between me and Mr. RLT. I believe it was a breakthrough as he completely purged himself of everything.

Everyone here, I truly appreciate your advice and your concern, and I am in NO WAY backing down, or weakening with my husband. We are STILL in a controlled separation.

I would like to continue with this thread and let you know our progress, but please, the attacks on MR. RLT are becoming downright nasty from some, and I don't see a reason for it. Yes, he's done some very bad things, but if I didn't see ANY good and admirable qualities in him as a husband and father, I wouldn't bother with any of this. So please ... constructive criticism is good. But no more bashing.

And, again, while I do appreciate and take into account what EVERYONE says here, can we not attack each other?

Please? Not on my thread. I'm going through enough heartache here.

Thank you.

I will fill you in on more details in a bit.

RLT... I will take my leave of this thread. While I appreciate your request, I am not certain I can honor it. I believe that your H deserves every word that was directed his way on this thread...even more....and I am concerned that you are seeing what you WANT to with this "man" and not what really is.
I will wish you luck and pray that you do not allow him to con you any longer.
Best wishes.

MEDC

This is wonderful news. I just hope for both of your sakes that it WAS the breakthrough that needed to happen and that the healing can now finally begin in earnest. It's not going to be easy, in fact, it's going to be downright HARD. If both of you do the work (more so on the part of Mr. RLT) you CAN heal and restore your marriage to be the marriage that God intended for you both in the first place. Just keep looking UP to Him and eventually you'll find that you're closer than you've ever been to each other.

(((Mr. and Mrs. RLT)))

RLT,

I apologise if I was overly harsh on Mr. RLT. I think that he doesn't want to keep hurting you and isn't quite sure what to do to start to make things better. As a result, I believe he acts inappropriately out of fear.

This thread hits home with those of us (me included) who will always feel that there was and is so much more to our FWS infidelity that we have so far heard. And the reality of it (and your situation) scares us half to death.

I do believe that Mr. RLT's infidelity is in the past and that is something. I know the lies are tough, they have been for me as well.

I honestly hope that you two can work this out and end up with a recovered marriage.

Please stay strong. My prayers and best wishes are with you.

Who

You have absolutely no proof of this.