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I'm not giving the guy a "hero cookie" (winks, mopey) for telling me. I'm simply stating that he his starting to air his dirty laundry. Isn't that a start, at least?
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yes, RLT...you are doing the right thing and your H is on his way back.
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It's a start for his process of change.
KA sounds like she's been there.
You need to start yours too.
I've looked for love, acceptance, and appreciation from others. It doesn't work very well.
I've found it all inside me. The challenge is in investigating the truth of the thoughts I have that get in the way.
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I was just under the wrong impression that complete honesty was not a long process...that you either give it to someone or you don't. I was wrong to believe that you are either telling the truth or you are not...
He's TRYING to be honest now...well, there you have it...he's on the right road....
I would suggest a call to the Harley's...explain your situation in depth....leave nothing out...I am sure Dr. H will be supportive of your H still being at home while he is trying to be honest. I am sure that he will feel that after his great many years in practice that your H is a goods bet for a H. I am sure that I am wrong and the good doctor will suggest that your H residing in your home...and NOT a very dark plan B is in order.
I am wrong. Enough said.
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Post deleted by rltraveled
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My opinion on the polygraph.....
I think it is necessary to get the historical facts as someone else here mentioned. At least with the polygraph, RLT will find out just what she's dealing with here. The poly will force the entire truth. Without it, Mr. RLT could withhold some facts that might make a difference to whether or not RLT will want to continue to consider this marriage. I realize that what he has already confessed to is a lot and it's RLT's choice to decide if she can live with that past.
If MR. RLT confesses to child molestation, or maybe something else as horrible, that might be the straw that broke the camels back and RLT might say, "O.k., I'm done now".
So, I believe she needs to full truth and it to be confessed to her. If Mr. RLT confesses his stuff to a sponsor or counselor, how will RLT know what she is dealing with? I personally, don't want to be left in the dark.
As far as truth going forward? Well that's important too of course. Mr. RLT will have to rebuild trust just like any other wayward would have to. And in this case, it'll take considerably longer to do. He'll have to be transparent in EVERYTHING. I think a poly every 6 months or so is in order. I personally don't feel like obsessing over what my H is or isn't doing, so he's agreed to take a poly whenever I need him too to ease my mind. Since he knows a polygraphs will be a part of our future, it'll be less likely that he'll try to slip back into his old ways.
Telling RLT that her H is probably an SA was in no way intended for her to use as an excuse, which she is not. However, it was intended to show her what she's up against and so that Mr. RLT could get the proper help he needs. Just because RLT is still there with her H, it doesn't mean she's made up her mind.
Now, RLT, what I'll be watching for with your situation is what ACTIONS your H is taking. If he isn't doing EVERYTHING he can to turn his life around and make amends to you, then I'd call it curtains. If you see anymore attitude with him like the comment, "I'll come clean when you commit to me", well then I believe you should boot him out the door. (I still think some time away from him would be wise at this point though). If for no other reason, than to get some peace and distance from him and to show him you can live without him, and I know you can.
Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.
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RLT,
You asked earlier about whether he should be telling you everything. (Please remember I am new at this!)
It seems to me that your WS needs to confess all of his affairs & sexually inappropriate behavior so that you can be at a place of truth. But that doesn't mean that you need to sit and listen to every detail of all those interactions. That may be causing you way more pain than you can handle, and it may be way more information than YOU NEED. I remember back to many posts about details of affairs. It seems that everyone agrees that how much detail should be up to the BS. You H may feel he needs to go above and beyond in details so that he can prove himself willing to be radically honest.
Remember that you should be in control of how much of the details you hear.
Just because a WS wants to dump it all out (I am talking in general here, not YOUR specific WS), doesn't mean it is in the BS's best interest to hear the gory details.
Examine what YOU NEED to know. Then keep it at that. Perahps because there are so many occurances to confess, you might need to keep it to the bare facts of a timeline and event. Then later, IF YOU DESIRE, you can go back and ask for details that you still feel you need.
It seems that this way disclosure might be less overwhelming and hurtful and time consuming, yet still your H can reveal all the infidelities.
Your H may still need to go to his sponsor to confess the ugly details. As someone mentioned earlier, that's part of a sponsor's role when working a 12-step program. But, then, that's really not anything you need to concern yourself with. That's about HIS recovery.
Decide for yourself what you need to know, and keep control of how much information you have coming in.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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i agree, smb.
when I talked to him last week, I really just got timelines.
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[color:"blue"]"A polygraph will tell her if she is living with someone that is continuing to abuse her"[/color]
Hasn't this already been established to your satisfaction, MEDC?
[color:"blue"]"and if he is that should be enough to say ENOUGH."[/color]
Isn't this YOUR expectation for RLT rather than helping her to arrive at her own decision? Shouldn't this be about HER boundaries rather than YOURS?
[color:"blue"]"without the threat of a polygraph, this creep would still be hiding every single one of his lies."[/color]
This is probably true, but now RLT AND her H are getting beat senseless over him telling her the truth and her not reacting by having him executed...Is there still MORE? I'd say there is and on this you and I agree. Will knowing that there is more do anything to help RLT? It might make her decide to move on and leave him in the dust. But where you and I differ is that YOU expect her to do it because he told the truth after lying for so long and I expect her to decide for herself based on the truth after she learns it.
RLT's H lied for a long time. Lying was a daily occurrence for years. To think that all that is required is to get to the bottom of all the lies and find out the truth is naive at best. But what matters most of all is what RLT is willing to accept, since years of lying will take years to reveal and she can't listen to confession from her husband for the rest of her life. It is, as KA has pointed out, transferring the weight of his lies to her. I see little else it is going to accomplish beyond that.
I agree with having the polygraph. Just don't base decisions entirely on whether or not there is even more that is not yet known, because that is pretty much a given. The things RLT canNOT live with need to be ruled out and the truth about what she CAN live with needs to be confirmed or debunked.
But RLT has to make HER decision and be supported to arrive at that decision rather than have OUR expectations enforced on her situation.
In addition, yes, her kids have been hurt by all of this. Simply divorcing him will not undo that condition, nor will additional screaming and shouting sessions in which even more hurtful baggage is transferred from him to her.
And, we are NOT talking about 3 year old children here. Discussion and sharing what is really going on is probably (note the qualifier here) more important than setting them an example of "If you get hurt by the one you love you should throw them out and seek revenge..."
And FWIW, I am not telling you that you cannot have an opinion that differs from mine, which is what you seem to be so good at, but merely that YOUR opinion is not the only one that counts here. The ONLY one that matters is RLT's. You have told her you would already be divorced from the bum. She got that. If she doesn't agree with doing that right now, it isn't your place to convince her by belittling her decision to not file for divorce as of yet.
I have a wedding to go to...Anybody remember the hope and excitement of those or have we all become skeptics and bitter people who seek only revenge while calling it justice
Mark Excellent points, Mark.
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i agree, smb.
when I talked to him last week, I really just got timelines. Glad to hear that. I was afraid you might be getting overload with more visions than most of us BS's can handle.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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I am at a state where I AM being honest and straight forward, and that is absolutely turning my wife off, because the facts are what she was afraid of, and now that I am owning up, she does not like me. you can read my post for more info...
But I am just wondering, without all the gory details, are you just wanting to know- to work it out, or do you know that you can handle the truth? My wife stayed with me, hoping that I had a good reason, but it was simply that I was taking advantage (as a sexist man), and I never really knew that I could go there!
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Rspct,
Not exactly sure what you are asking here, but I will try to address--
If I have this straight, you may be an SA. Your wife is asking you questions. Your answers are "turning her off." Well of coure they are! Why? Because they tell her, slowly and painfully, that you are not the man she thought she married.
I can't speak for your wife as far as to what extent she wants to know details. As for me? Well, I have heard soooo much, that I'm nearly desensitized at this point. If I'd heard it all in one DDay, I would have literally died from the shock of it all. Now when he tells me something else, well, I just mark it down on the list. *sigh*
I get better at handling the truth with each passing day. As for "gory" details. Well this is how it happens for me. I don't necessarily want to know them going into the conversation, but as he speaks, I find myself ever morbidly curious, and end up pressing for more details. I'm made of Steel now, Rspct. Bring it on!!! Tell me anything. I can handle it.
Bottom line, tell you wife whatever she wants to know.
It's the only way ...
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Hi RLT,
My friends all know me as a gentle person so since you only have the typed words here and can't hear how I am saying this, please know that my posts to you are with an understanding heart.
Most people that love or live with abusers or addicts end up either leaving or they become co-dependent and enabling. I have more years than I care to count dealing with the alcoholics in my life. And back in day, I was a reeeaallly good co-dependent and enabler. PhD level. When people tried to point it out to me I said almost all of the things that you are saying. And I was frustrated that they just couldn't understand. After lots of work and co-dependent meetings I finally learned that it was I that didn't see. I finally did and life became clear and VERY good.
This is not a critisism, but an observation. Your posts have LOTS of victim statements and co-dependent and enabling expressions.
I don't have any intent on telling you if you should stay or leave. What you do is completely up to you. I just wanted to point out what I see. Children in these types of environments eventually have to choose one of these paths too.
((RLT))
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thank you, sick. I believe you.
I just don't know how the f*** to get out of this.
The other night I had a dream that I was in a house of mirrors and could not get out.
It was frightening.
I think I'm actually going crazy, and I'm sick of this.
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"I think I'm actually going crazy, and I'm sick of this. "
Hey, that's MY name. LOL. Actually I wish I could figure out how to change my name because it isn't at all where I am at now.
Did you know that at alanon meetings we often refer to the chaos of the situations as "crazy making?"
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Have you ever checked around to see if there is a c0-dependency meeting in your area? They are free. Usually they pass a basket around and you can put a dollar in to cover cost of coffee and such but no one minds if you don't.
Alanon meetings probably aren't what you need but I have to say the meetings I go to don't ever talk about the drinker. We just all understand the same problem. It is only about us. How we cope, what part of crazy making we allow and what parts we make ourselves, setting boundries. I spent a lot of time and money with IC but I got more out of an hour in alanon than weeks of IC.
The focus is really about our behavior since we can't change theirs. We are partners in a dance that lasts for years. But if one of the partners (us) changes the dance steps, the rest of the dance has to change. Old analogy, but still works for me.
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RLT....
Please think about this very carefully.....
You're going crazy with this because YOU DON'T HAVE A PLAN IN PLACE YET.
You have to take control of your life! You will go crazy if you try to base your life on what your H does. PREPARE for a life on your own without him, WHILE you wait to see what your H does.
How are you doing with that? You don't have to answer that here, but I do hope you have been giving it some thought.
If your H will not ALLOW you to get a car, or a job, etc., he is still trying to manipulate and control you. I am not saying he is doing this, but you should be able to tell him these are safety nets for you and he should be happy to help you with that. He could hock something and help you to get a car.
Your H may be doing some things that "look" like true recovery RLT, but, is he working with you to make things safe for you? Have you written a list yet of what you need to feel safe? That's where you need to start. If he's not willing to do everything on that list, you will be settling for less than what will make you happy. Do you want to be happy RLT?
You would be wise to work on what your H can do that will make you feel safe, and also preparing for a life without him ,because that will make you feel safe too.
Not trying to come down too hard on you, but you need to snap out of it, I know, I've been there. You can do this.
Try to remember who you were before Mr. RLT, and find yourself again. Do you want to be miserable or powerful? Take your pick.
Last edited by mopey; 10/06/07 09:58 PM.
Husband was unfaithful to me before and after our marriage, at least 7 times. I found out 13 yrs into the marriage. Trickle truth for an entire year. Several different d-days, so it was more like a d-year. Difficult recovery.
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RLT I forget if I've asked this before, but COULD you divorce your husband? Or with your financial situation would it be impossible?
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No, believer, we are in financial ruin over his last affair. He stole a butt load of money out of the 401, racked up the cc; he basically screwed us financially.
I have no job, and no car.
Mopey, I have written that list, and he is doing everything on that list.
He's trying, but all this $hit is sinking in, and I know there's more to come.
Preparing for a life without him would mean selling the house, getting rid of most of the animals, uprooting the kids into some skanky apartment, and living like a pauper.
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