I have a question I'm hoping someone with experience will help with. I have a friend (seriously, I know this sounds cliche, but this is not about my own situation)
who had an affair, then ended it. I did not know about the affair until it was a thing of the past. She and OM have been in NC for over a year. She has considered confessing to hubby, but he has a violent temper when provoked. He would probably kill the OM, literally, and possibly the WW. When she asked my advice, I was hesitant to advise the usual full disclosure, for fear of what could come of it. Some of you may say she deserves to die for betraying him, I'm just asking.
How do the Harleys say this should be handled? Does WW need to take the police with her when she confesses, or does she need to save her confession for God, and possibly find someone such as pastor to hold her accountable for NC forever?
If you have questions about more details, feel free to ask. I know both the WW, the BS and the OM, so I may can shed more light to help you figure out the situation.
Also, if there are articles addressing this, please point me in the right direction.
Thanks in advance for your help.

Dr. Harley would recommend telling him in the presence of a counselor or a police officer. I will look around for the article. But I would suggest that she was not very afraid of his "violence" when she had the affair.

Does the OM's wife, if any, also know?

ok, here it is. He advices that she LEAVE her husband if he is "violent" and THEN tell him. But, the H MUST be told. This is information about his life about which he has a RIGHT to know. It would be cruel and manipulative to continue to lie to him:

Four Rules to Guide
Marital Recovery After an Affair

To help you totally separate from your lover, and avoid the temptation to see him when you crave him the most, I suggest the following extraordinary precautions:

1. Honesty

The first extraordinary precaution to avoid your lover is to tell your husband all about your affair, and the decision you have made to restore your love for him. Then promise to keep telling him the truth about every aspect of your life, so you never again have a secret second life where you are tempted to hurt him behind his back.

Honesty and openness is one of the best ways to prevent yourself from being inconsiderate of your husband's feelings. It was your friend's threat to reveal all to your husband that motivated you to separate from your lover. Your friend wanted to shed to light of day on the things you were doing in secret to protect your husband. But you should do it yourself. Go right to your husband with the facts. If you had been honest about your budding relationship with your lover from the beginning, it would never have developed into an affair.

You may be afraid that once your husband knows the facts about your ongoing affair, he will leave you. Quite frankly, I think he has the right to make that decision. If, faced with the facts he decides to divorce you, you lose your option to restore your relationship with your him. But you simply cannot build a relationship on lies and deception. Dishonesty will never get you to your goal of loving your husband again. So it's better to get all of the cards out on the table now and build your marriage the right way, even if there is a chance that your husband will throw in the towel before you have a chance to reconcile.

Another reason you may be reluctant to tell your husband the truth is that he might have a violent reaction to what you have done. If you are afraid of his reaction, separate from him first, and then tell him the truth in a public place or with friends who can protect you. If your husband cannot control his temper once he knows the facts, then I see no hope of saving your marriage. Honesty is so important in marriage that if the threat of violence prevents honesty, I don't believe you will ever have a good marriage.

Besides, dishonesty does not prevent violence in marriage, it encourages it. If your honesty brings out violence in your husband, your dishonesty would enrage him even more, once he discovers that you've lied to him.

If you think your husband may divorce you or become violent when you are honest with him, I encourage you to be honest anyway, before you begin your plan for reconciliation. If he cannot accept the truth, no plan of reconciliation will work.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5065_qa.html

Well, I don't have advice about "HOW" to tell. But I'm definitely a proponent for coming clean. My reasons are many, but mainly:

1. He deserves to know the truth so he can make informed decisions about his marriage and life. To withhold the truth is incredibly disrespectful, manipulative and arrogant.

2. He needs to know so he can get tested for life threatening STDs that can ly dormant with no symptoms.

Yes, OMW knows, and is terrified for WW's BH to find out, for fear he will kill OM (her hubby)
Of course you're right that WW was very foolish to take this risk to begin with. As most WS, by the time it had progressed from a friendship into a PA, they just felt sure they could play it smart enough to avoid detection.

Do you know for a FACT he is "violent" or is this something that your friend has told you? The reason I ask is because this is a very common lie told by wayward WIVES to protect their affair. Rarely is it true.

Has he been arrested for beating her up?

OK, since it has been over a year with no contact, would you somehow warn the OM? Would maybe a mediator contact OM or OMW to let them know to expect a visit from an enraged husband? Naturally, WW should not call OM, but surely someone should, so they will at least have a chance to protect the children in the home? What do you think?
You may think this is being overly dramatic, but if you knew the BH, you would understand why I am asking!

Well, they were willing to take the chance. Having a violent spouse still does not entitle one to lie to said violent spouse. She needs to leave him if he is that violent and then tell him in a public place. He has a right to know.

Yes, I know for a fact he has been violent. He has never been violent towards a woman as far as I know though. He is far more likely to harm or kill the OM. He has indeed been arrested for assualt against someone who had not treated his family well. He is very territorial towards his wife, children and home.

setfree, I would also suggest that hiding it from their victim, her H, is ENABLING them and protecting them from the consequences of their own choices. They KNEW he was "violent" when he did this. They are the ones who made this dreadful, stupid choice.

Did the OM know this before he decided to get it on with a married woman?

I don't think so! As I said, I was not privy to the details until after the fact, but from what I know, no I do not believe OM knew BH well enough to know that part of his past, and I'm guessing that WW didn't mention it to OM in the throes of passion, for fear of throwing a damper on things. Foolish and selfish, no doubt! I know she is doing all she can do to make it up to BH, and the OM and OMW are working through their troubles with MC. Part of me wants to suggest that she come clean, the other part wants to not think of seeing a murder and subsequent imprisonment.

Thanks for finding the article for me!

Well, I would suggest that your friend has NOT made it up to her H at all. She committed adultery and continues to lie to him about to this day.Lying is not making up for anything. She is defrauding him. She compounds the crime every day that she does not tell him the truth about his own life.

I don't believe for a minute there will be a murder. Neither did your friend when she decided to have an affair and she knows him BEST.

Even so, potential "violence" is no excuse to lie to someone and keep them tricked into staying in a marriage against his will. This man has a right to know the truth. And there is no excuse to not tell him.

setfree, she should follow DR HARLEY'S advice on this. He is a trained psychologist with 35 years experience.

p.s. the OM should just continue hiding out as he has been for the past year. If he is too scared he might want to take his wife with him as protection. Is this a little fella who is easily scared?

I'm not sure size really matters since guns and other weapons are such equalizers.

If you're really worried about a murder then, yes, someone else should warn this family so they can take the appropriate precautions. I think the BW should probably be the one who is told and she should make the appropriate notifications - perhaps contact an attorney to see what her options are should she need to act quickly. (She doesn't need to act in advance.. just be prepared and know the steps if necessary. Think of it like making an escape plan or a fire drill.)

Obviously, it's pretty impossible to stop a ~really~ determined assassin.

Tell your friend to follow Harley's advice:

1.) establish safety first and keep it as priority one at all times.

2.) Tell the truth.

Your friend might be pleasantly surprised at what happens but there is nothing wrong with being prepared.

Mys

(slight threadjack)

P.S. Melody, just as a thought and with the usual disclaimer that I am not asking or telling you how to post I want to offer you some feedback about this statement I've seen you make a few times.


To me, this implies that affairs could be prevented if men or women could just scare their spouses into being too afraid to stray. I'm haven't seen any studies that directly correlate domestic violence into lowering affair rates among those who are afraid of violence -- but it doesn't seem consistent with the data I have seen which suggests that marriages with troubles (affairs, domestic violence, etc) seem to have more of a tendency to have a combination of factors rather than just one. That suggests that the actual reality is the opposite - marriages with DV are more likely to also experience infidelity (though it offers no information about which spouse is more likely to be the offender). Even Dr. Harley's advice about honesty being prevented by threat of violence leading to "very little hope" for the marriage tends to support the assertion that "threats of violence" won't keep a spouse from straying.

Anyway, I wasn't sure if you were aware that your words were taken that way by one or possibly some (or even if you care). But, if you do, it certainly doesn't seem consistent with MB principles to try to affair proof your marriage by convincing a spouse that you'll do serious violence if s/he doesn't conform to your expectations about fidelity or anything else.

Once again, this is just feedback. Although if you have found the correlation, I'd love to see it.

(end of threadjack)

Once again, the take home message is:

1.) Safety first and foremost.

2.) Honesty.

Mys

My opinion is based on the premise that there is an extreme risk that the BH will indeed attempt to harm or kill the OM and perhaps the WW.

The WW can do nothing to control what her BH does and should have thought of this before cheating on him, but she CAN do things to mitigate the risk to human life, her marriage, and her children.

1. I agree WH needs to be told.
2. Steps must be taken to ensure everyone's safety. This is paramount! If the BH does this, he will not only harm the OM, perhaps his WW, but also himself and their children. One cannot parent or have a successful marriage from prison (or the cemetary if things go the other way via OM fighting back or police involvement).
3. The aforementioned counselor and perhaps police presence when he is told is a good idea. Also, I would consult with an attorney for both the separation (VERY good idea if this is true), and to explain the situation and get advice.
4. Someone needs to make sure the OMW knows that the BH is being told, as long as NC is not broken in doing so. She has a right to know of potential consequences to her life as a result of her WH's actions.
5. WW should get some IC ASAP to discuss this!
6. Perhaps WW can come up with some kind of "reparation" for her BH that will replace his desire to do violence. In other words, when told, tell him that she knows his instincts are to do so, but tell him that she doesn't want to see him (BH) hurt and offer to do something that will satisfy his need to defend his honor. She can get creative with this, but he should call the shots on it.
7. Document the concern in detail with the authorities, include everyone's names, his history of violence, etc. Make sure he knows that the authorities already have all the details and are keeping an eye on things.

These are just my thoughts from a brain dump, but for sure, professional help is needed here, both from counseling and the legal side of things.

I suspect the "violent husband" story is a classic wayward wife concoction and that the WW has no intention of seperating from him. If he were so "violent" she would have already been seperated or she would be asking about seperating due to his "violence." If she were worried about him being "violent" she wouldn't have had the affair in the first place. But hey, it sure is a great excuse to not tell your victim and avoid the consequences!

Thanks, Mel.

I took it to a different thread.

Mys

I don't know, mys, I have not seen any studies that indicate that domestic violence leads to affairs, have you? It sort of seems like the last thing one would do if they were truly afraid of their spouse.

But I don't think we need a study to have common sense. And common sense dictates that if one is so afraid of their spouse's "violent" temper, that they would be afraid of inciting said temper by having an affair.

Strangely though, in these cases, the wayward wife is only scared of the "violent husband" finding out, but not scared of committing adultery.

And most often we find out the real reason is because the wayward wife is LYING about the "violent husband" in order to recruit and scare others into protecting her secret.

Even so, I would suggest that the WW follow Harley's advice and seperate from her "violent" husband and then tell him in a public place. The man has a right to know.