Way to go!!!!! Good job and thanks for sharing, mvg.

I have a sorta-success story, too but I'll share it later.

Ace

Hey, thanks, Ace!!!

Made me feel good to see that after I logged in this a.m. I will be thinking about that when I talk to H...the Sunday morning "Atta, girl!" will give me even more confidence and strength.

So will thinking about all the great people here who so kindly helped out a drowning stranger. If someone had told me I'd be feeling this good a month ago, I'd have told them they were nuts!

No more enabling, NEVER again!

Have a nice Sunday, Everyone!

Charlotte

You've already taken the next step towards your personal and marital recovery, Charlotte....posting encouragement all over the place. You are truly an all-star and I hope others will learn from you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Just curious about your thoughts when Mel first challenged you on your 'enabling your H's affair'. Others may relate to such a confrontation and get defensive. Why did you respond in the positive way you did?

Keep up the great work.

Ace

Thanks Ace! I was very proud of myself for stepping back. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Charlotte I haven't read your sitch but please keep posting here...I think this is a GREAT thread and hopefully we'll all learn to unlearn.

Hey Ace!

Finally made it here. Thanks for the kudos!!

I read back to those posts and I'm not sure why I didn't get defensive. Maybe because I finally accepted my enabling role so I could throw it away. Is that how it works? You embrace it so you can accept that you were wrong to be an enabler and then you just let it go? That's the only thing I can figure.

I had so much encouragement that I was motivated to finally go for it. Especially THE Tuesday...I am SO glad that those who pushed me were able to reboot my system and get it going.

Part of me is still trying to take it all in...that drive to go meet OWH is a blur. I don't know how I didn't get pulled over. I think that there was a force of good around me...all of the positive thoughts from everyone and divine intervention to help me make the journey.

Actually, the devil did try to stop me because when I jumped in the truck to go the a/c would not come on so I rolled down the windows. Then when I was on the tollway, the passenger side mirror just fell off all of a sudden. It's still hanging on the side of the truck from a wire. I need to glue it back on.

I missed my turn but found the right one in spite of all of the construction that had gone on since I'd last ventured to that area.

The traffic started to back up a bit but it cleared very quickly and the next thing I knew I was pulling into the parking lot to meet OWH.

WOW! What a day!

Hi Charlotte, mvg, others.....



Thanks for your insights, Charlotte. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but those motivations, (especially all your MB supporters) make sense.

I hope this will help others 'see' how to overcome our natural tendencies to 'keep status quo', 'not rock the boat', 'try to retain the comfortable feelings' and other facades that envelop enabling.

It's a continuing process for me, but I'm starting to get some progress with how I'm helping a friend and no longer enabling her. AND....she's still my friend!!!! Details at the bottom of page 1 of this thread.

Keep posting as you think of things, Charlotte....and mvg....and anyone else who can help overcome these debilitating conditions in our relationships.

I may not lurk/post much for awhile, but I'll check back when we get back from vacation. In the meantime, carry on.

Ace

Thanks Ace!

I hope you have a GREAT vacation!!!!!!

I hope this will help others 'see' how to overcome our natural tendencies to 'keep status quo', 'not rock the boat', 'try to retain the comfortable feelings' and other facades that envelop enabling.

Oh so true. I think it was LA who told me, when asked a question take a moment for it to sink in, think about it rather than responding right away. As an enabler I always want to help and will sacrifice my own needs/desires for others. That's not always a good thing. I also found that if you also repeat back the request to the one asking, sometimes THEY even get hey that's not really a responsible way to ask something, that they are laying on guilt, or just trying to get what they want at whatever cost. The pause also give the asker time to reflect on WHY you aren't responding with the automatic 'yes' they are accustomed to.

It's such a FREEING experience. It's not selfish. It's respect for self.

I'm working on it too, not quite there yet, but oh when I can actually pull it off, it's awesome. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

In Alanon we learn about the three As.

We become aware, then accept it, then take action.

The first 2 steps are very important - most people become aware, and then take action - and that oh so importance of acceptance is skipped. Unfortunately, without acceptance, actions taken will have less than a desired outcome.

Great post, BrambleRose. Now I understand better about what happened with me. When Ace asked me the question I had to think about it for a little while.

And my answer felt right, I just didn't know how to convey it in the correct manner.

Now I GOT it!!!

Thanks BR! Have a great day!

Charlotte

Quote from Star*fish: It is difficult to stop enabling if you’re trying to do it with all authority. And it’s not easy until you know you deserve to stop. Until you know that you are endearing regardless of what the person you’ve previously enabled says to the contrary until you raise your own self-esteem enough to be that strong. You may think it’s the other person who needs all of the help, in truth, you both do.

I don't know that I yet feel I deserve to stop. I'm still dealing alot with deserving & worthiness. Getting there slowly.
One of my problems is to separate what I do out of love and what I do that is enabling. Those can be very easily confused.
Any suggestions?

Anyone?????

mvg, I struggle with this too due to my "I'm here to help" personality.

I think one of the defining issues is whether or not the 'deed' is something the person COULD do for themselves but you do it for them for whatever reason. But if I do it with MY condition attached, then I'm trying to control. If I encourage and HELP them find a way to do it, then I'm cheerleading.

Just a thought...maybe it's off, but that's where I'm lingering for now.

Ace

That's a good point Ace.

I've been battling as you know with the enabler/co-dependency issue vs. personality type. Yesterday I purchased the book the 5 love languages. I hope this will be of help to me in defining the way I love and my language. Maybe (hoping) H & I just aren't communicating in the way each other needs. I'll have to read and see if this offers any suggestions.

Hey mvg,

I'm back from vacation and this is my first post....but I do have to go to work soon so I won't be able to check in til later.

Does your sentence above have a typo/missing word? If not, I'm confused. I'm not familiar with that book so maybe that's the source of my befuddlement.

My DH only needs headlines so I communicate headlines and try to wait for him to ask questions. I always check to see if he's in the mood for more details if he doesn't ask before I WANT to share them.

I need details and get frustrated when DH shares nothing, or at best, meager headlines. When he communicates details on his own, I feel valued because he's making an unsolited effort to meet my needs.

We are trying hard to communicate in the way each other needs. Or should we be?

As I re-read your statement, do you mean "I'm hoping that's all that our problem is.....that we're just not communicating well.....not that he's still not in NC."

If so, I understand. Just checking for clarification.

Ace

Ace, I'm not sure about the typo thing...the book is called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. Chapman believes there are 5 'languages' of love such as, words of affirmation, quality time,receiving gifts,acts of service, physical touch. VERY much like MB but gives some specific examples and how to recognize. So far I'm only a little ways into the book, I like it. I can't wait to get to the part of discovering your personal love language. He says each of us has a primary 'language' and we 'fill our love tanks' when our language is used by our spouse and others. Like EN's.

Since my H hasn't used my ENQ I'm hoping this might be easier for him to understand. He's making so much effort and I SEE these changes but it's not exactly what I need.I feel ashamed to even say that, but it's true. I need 'words' and 'actions', not just actions. I'm also hoping this will help me understand him better.

I think that Froz's thread on Renters should be required reading for all enablers:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3335673

mvg, your insertion of the pharens (hoping) made your statement sound like you are 'hoping that your H and you are NOT comunicating in the way that each of you needs'.

At first I thought just the opposite....that my H and I are hoping that we ARE communicating in the way that each of us needs the other to communicate with each other.

br.....sorry I can't respond more until later...gotta go to work, but thanks.

I will get this book and read Froz's thread. Appreciate the link....hope it helps others, too.

Ace

AHH I see know what you were talking about. Forgive my typing in circles...still on pain meds, and sometimes things make PERFECT sense to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

BR, I'm over there on Frozen's thread too...UGH
Enabler, Renter, loony BS...geezzz where oh where does it all end??? I am learning SO much, not necessarily liking what I'm learning but learning non the less.

Thank you all!

I appreciate the link to Froz's thread, BR. You're right...it has great insights that will take time for my pea brain to digest.

Hope other enablers (and enablers-in-denial) will read that thread. It gives many foundational thoughts showing the differences (from this thread's title traits) and what to do about them.

Again, thanks.

Ace