Sorry people-made major mistakes not thinking today

I meant she doesn't want to have sex 3/4 times.And yes, we have been thru conselling with no avail. tired reading books-no help.


My wife is no longer intersted in sex . Maybe 3/4 times I ask she does. I have I high sex drive.Life is too short to be sexuallly frustrated all the time. We both love each other but need sex! What do I do?

Based on the title of your thread I am guessing you already have somebody (to cheat with) in mind?

Wow, if your wife says yes to sex 3 out of every 4 times then I would hardly say she's "no longer interested"...

Mr Dis,

Well, I can tell you that an affair(fling) is not going to solve things with your wife.

I suggest that you read this site thoroughly and become familiar with what Emotional Needs are and then determine what your wifes most important needs are and then start meeting them. This will make her feel more love for you and should help.

Also, you might want to discuss marriage counseling (MC) with her to help resolve this.

If she is reluctant, please send her here. I and other women here ended up with husbands who did cheat on us. There is no excuse for having an affair just because your sexual needs are not being met.

Remember that you are both responsible for the state of your marriage, but you alone will be the one making a decision to cheat. And you will regret it.

Who

3 out of 4 times isn't bad, IMO - but I guess that depends on a lot of variables (once a day, once a week, once a month etc..)

Why do you think she's not interested in sex? (Although 3/4 of the time she apparently is...)

How do you 'ask'?

SF dried up in my M... not because I didn't like it - because my H didn't fill *my* emotional needs, and when it came to filling his, I wasn't interested. Why keep giving and giving if I get nothing in return?

I learned how to break that cycle *after* coming here. In hindsight I don't know if that would have saved my M or not - but it would have solved at least one problem.

In order for your W to *want* to give you SF, you must do something for her. Identify her most important needs - often in women it's affection - the sort that does not simply exist as a means to an end (affection for sex)... take the pressure off - just *do* for her what you've identified as important to her, and you might be surprised at the change.

Just my 2 cents...

JinGA

Just a guess here....be honest now.....

You view or partake in a lot of porn, right? Computer porn, chat rooms, virtual sex, movies, strip joints, etc?

Right or Wrong?

Don't.

Discontented also has another thread http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post3309520 which may shed light on things.

Dis - have you seen a doctor about your RLS? My XH has/had it and I know it can be a pain to sleep with someone whose legs jump around all night.

There are medications for that now - or if you don't want to go that route, have you tried any relaxation techniques to help minimize it?

There's a huge leap between sleeping in separate quarters because of a physical condition (RLS, snoring etc.) and wanting to stray outside the marriage...

Hopefully you'll return to this thread and discuss it more.

JinGA

I have no one in mind yet.

Tell her the truth, that you are feeling vulnerable to an affair.

And you don't need our help to NOT have an affair, you are in full and complete control of your feelings. Unless you are a hormonally challenged teenage girl. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I have seen a doctor about RLS. I've been to a sleep clinic and currently on meds to treat it. The meds do help it but only 3 out of 7 nights. Ironically, it doesn't bother me when I sleep alone. When I am feeling a bit of anxiety I get the twinges and can't fall asleep.

We are trying separate beds right now (in the same room) to see if that works; but she says I occaisionally snore and keep her up. So I take my inhaler and nasal spray and nasal strips to deal with that. She sometimes snores but I don't make a deal out of it. I recognize that as part of the tolerance you must show if you sleep together.

What I don't want to happpen is go back to separate rooms. I admit that I am an emotioinally needy person and need intimacy to feel satisfied in our relationship. She has become less needy and cuddling and sex are not as important to her as it used to be. That's why an affair sounds so tempting-despit that I know it's morally wrong. Because I love her and she loves me, I don't want to end the marriage.

Dis,


My FWH could have written this statement back in 2002.

He convinced himself that an affair was the answer and it nearly destroyed us both. Now if he had presented the situation to me just as you have done here, we would have run to a MC for help.

He didn't and now we are forever changed. Talk to your wife about this. She deserves to know that this is a serious problem.

Believe it or not, she might not know. I didn't.

Who

To "WHO ME"

We have gone to consellling and read many articles and books on the subject. She still has not changed and is tired of the issue being brought up over and over. My therapist says there's nothing else I can do unless she is williing to change. I got mad one night and threatened to leave. She said if that's what I want then she can't stop me. I have to accept her for who she is and that's all.

So, you can see why I have the urge to stray. I'm not hormonally imbalanced or a sex addict. I'm happy with having sex once every 2 weeks! But I'm lucky if I get it once a month.

If you're unhappy enough to consider cheating...divorce her.

If she refuses to change...then there's nothing else left to be done.

Cheating will make matters WORSE...not better. If you start sleeping with someone else, the odds are very high that you'll also start emotionally investing in them as well. Next thing you know...you're leaving your wife anyway. Your wife either doesn't care, in which case you're both unhappy and your marriage is doomed, or she's devestated beyond belief because she never really expected you to do it.

If you feel this strongly about what's going on...file for divorce, and let your wife know why.

THEN start with someone new.

discontented,

I don't think you are in full and complete control of your "feelings"....but you are certainly in full and complete control of your "actions". You may feel a certain way because of rejection, but your conscience is still telling you not to give into temptation.....and that's a good thing because affairs are so so destructive and ugly.

You didn't answer hopeandpray's question about porn, chat and cyber sex. Is it possible these things are making temptation even harder? I understand how humiliating rejection can be, but affairs and cyber friends are not solutions....they only make recovery more difficult.

I have RLS and my H snores too....so I can really sympathize with the sleep issues! I spent years suffering with insomnia. I got more help from sleep medication than the RLS medicines, which had more complications. The RLS medicines....Requip and Mirapex are similar to what they give to folks who have Parkinson's disease....and are very strong. The newer sleep meds are pretty safe to use and they really help. If you snore....get some Breathe-Right strips....it really helps my husband....and that helps me. There are still a few nights where I have to go to another room....but not often at all, and I'm getting really good results with those two things.

Don't look for a quick and unethical fix like an affair. No matter how rejected you feel or how little sex you get....it won't justify and affair.

As far as divorce....well....I'd like to see you try something less drastic first. End lovebusters. Fill your wife's needs. Give that six weeks at least. If you see no change....think about Plan B.

Hang in there.

Dis,

I kinda, mostly agree with Owl and Star*fish here. But I also see that you are in a tough spot here.

I only wish my FWH had suggested we divorce rather than betray me. In fact, on d-day, I asked him why he didn't just leave me.

If you love your wife, don't do this to your marriage. Is there any way the two of you can do phone counseling with Steve or Jennifer?

This isn't easy but I do believe that you and your wife can find a solution that will work for both of you.

And, thanks for coming here first. I find that refreshing and I (JMHO) think it shows that you have character!

Who

WELCOME. YOU ARE SO SMART TO COME HERE BEFORE MAKING A LIFE ALTERING MISTAKE!!!!

May I be so bold as to tell you what I think your problem is?

It is a problem of defining your choices (take it from someone who has made the WRONG ones).


Your choice is not : 1. Keep working on and in my M or 2. Having a Fling

Your choice is : 1. Keep working on and in my M or 2. Leaving the M

Fling is not a choice, it is an ESCAPE. . A cop out. If you are sad or bored, do you do crack? The fling is a drug. Its crack for your libido.

You are considering a fling, because you are unhappy and think you may want out of your M but dont want to have to face all of the consequences that leaving will bring.

TELL YOUR WIFE OF YOUR FEARS!

Ahuman and Owl:

Well said. I concur! Time for a heart to heart.

But really, she says yes 3 out or 4 times? Man if this is true, in baseball she would be a homerun champ. I am not even going to tell you what my per cent is, but the only category it would be good in is the inflation rate!

Well, I sat down with my wife and told her that I had thoughts about having an affair -for sex only. I told her how much I loved her and that I don't want this to happen. Her initial response was, of course, if you are going to have an affair then obviously you don't love me enough to want a relationship with me. I thought about it and I do love her. Despite no sex life, she's everything I would want in a wife. I asked her if there is anything I can do to improve in our relationship and if there was something I did in the past that may attribute to her lack of desire to have sex . She says she's not turned off by me or has any fantasies about other guys. It's just she happy with the relationship that way it is and doesn't need sex to be happier. She also said it' not an physical or pschycological (spelling?) thing. Simply that's the person she is.

So, now my dilemma, do I divorce her or have an affair? I know what everyone's answer would be if I had to choose, but If you have a wonderful wife, am I giving up something I may never find again?

Have you explained to her how huge of an issue this is for YOU?

She's happy with it...fine. Obviously you're not happy with it. Does she understand how important this is to you? Will she consider seeing a counselor/therapist to help the two of you deal with this? Explain to her that you are happy with all other aspects of your marriage...but that this aspect is hugely important to you, even if its not to her. And that something needs to change in order for your relationship to work. Make it clear that you're willing to do what you can to improve things, but you'd like to get outside professional help for the BOTH of you to deal with this issue.

Don't give up and have an A...and don't give up and file for D. Try to resolve the problem first.

Welcome Discontented,

Your sig tag line reads "Previously Divorced", so I assume this is your second marriage. Just curious, did you meet your current wife while still married to your first wife?

Jo