The goal here is to save your marriage, not to appease your wife at all cost. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it cannot survive an ongoing affair.

Let me give you an analogy. An affair is an addiction very much like crack addiction. The only way for the crackhead to sober up is for him to stop using crack. do you avoid taking the crack pipe away from him because it might make him angry? Or do you do what is in his best interest and risk his anger and remove the crack pipe so he can sober up?

It is the same with affairs. You must do everything in your power to bust up the affair, otherwise it won't matter if she is angry, because you will be DIVORCED. Her anger won't lead to divorce, but the AFFAIR WILL.

So, you should not fear her anger, you should fear the AFFAIR.

FIVE YEARS in an affair is a way of life for her, not a variant in behavior. Act quickly, and do it with precision.

Owl, my cosmic twin! **snort** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

ROFLMBO!!! Wouldn't THAT be a scarey thought?!?!

Gotta admit...we tend to fight like brother and sister do tho! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Frrustrated-

Just so you understand...MEL and I have a joint policy to always disagree...and when you've got her and I telling you the same exact advice, that should speak VOLUMES about what we're saying.

I think it's confined to her hometown, I have checked credit cards and timewise she just couldn't squeeze it in without some tell-tell signs. It's just a fling thing in her hometown, I think. As far as divorce, I don't think she could and if she does maybe I'm better off. My biggest concern are my boys ages 7&8. If push came to shove, I think legally I can prevent her from taking them to the other state.

Pick up the phone and work on saving your marriage, Frustrated, for those boys.

Take a look at the links on the upper right of this page.

Read up on plan A and plan B. Read all the 'basics' information...this will give you some excellent starting points to work from.

What Mel and everyone is suggesting is all part of "plan A". And that is your best bet to recover your marriage at this point.

You might seriously consider talking with the Harley's about marriage counselling.

Plan A, as my cosmic twin, Owl suggested <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> :

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A

The carrot of Plan A


Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.



The stick of Plan A


Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

I am always just amazed at men who are AFRAID of their wives, when the wives are screwing other men.

Who exactly is entitled to ANGER in this situation, frrustrated? Isn't it YOU who should be angry?
Your fear is greatly misplaced.

Are you always this timid?
Would you prefer to let you wife continue her affair, rather than make her angry?

She doesn't need to "see" him to end it. She doesn't need to sleep with him a few more times to end it.

And frankly, the other man's wife should be given the opportunity to kick your wife's [censored]. So, OF COURSE, you should tell her.

I really like this advice and "ATTITUDE", and would love to see more of it here.

Guys, we simply have to have more self-esteem and "Sack-up" in order to show the WW's out there that we may love them, BUT WE WILL NOT SHARE THEM.

Personally, I also like the advice about giving the OMW the opportunity to kick the WW's [censored] ... nice touch. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Listen to these wise posters. And expect hissing, clawing, and hateful reaction from your wife once you expose. Pay no mind to whatever she says in the time immediately post exposure. Don't react in kind. Keep in mind, you have a plan, a goal, something she does not have. She will lash out once her drug supply is threatened.

Your boys must be protected at all costs. Additionally, you are teaching them how to deal with affairs that threaten their future marriages.

I did not expose. Now our son is 18, and we are D'd. Sometimes I look back and wonder about the lessons I taught him by enduring the emotional affair my H had all those years. I was not willing to endure public embarressment, that is mostly what held me back. Fear of people thinking I couldn't keep my H from the lure of the OW.

Even now I don't call his office to reach him about our son. I call his cell phone. I burn with shame at the thought of talking to his secretary, who knows the OW and who has seen how close the two of them are.

Sorry to threadjack.

EXPOSE. NOW.

OK, advice taken. I am calling OMW and my wife's sister who watches the boys when wife is in hometown. It won't be today though, I need to get my ducks in a row first. Yea, Lexxxy, I'm too timid around my wife and that's part of the reason I need to do this. I've let her have control for too long of where things have gone between us and now I am realizing where this has taken me. I haven't been the hubby she has needed, I see that now, not to excuse what she has done but rather the areas that I need to improve.

Frustrated, I would also plan on calling her parents. It is in the best interest of everyone to get this out into the open.

And yes, Lexxy is right about manning up. You can't afford to be intimidated by her anger if you expect to save your marriage.

I will just tell you that women do not respect men they can run over. Wimpy men are disgusting. The love we feel is often very contingent on the respect we have. So, be strong, firm and brave; ignore your fears. You will be fine.

There is no such thing as a fling thing. Expose to all of the family. It is extremely important that you let OMW know. They are hurting her and her children as well. She has the right to know so that she can help you put an end to A and so that she can try to recover her M. If only OW's H had had the balls to tell me, it would have cut 9 months off the A. Please get your ducks in a row and call.

FTS

Ducks are marching as I speak. This is the best place I could have found on the net, you guys are great.

Just an update, things appear to be going great. Wife has ended "A". But I am not letting my guard down. I know this won't be a popular thing to say, but this has brought out a lot of things that we needed to work on a long time ago and may have been a real wake up call for both of us. Maybe I am being over optimistic. But one thing is for sure, I will never totally trust her again.

If you don't stop the affair via exposure to the OMW your wife will not stop the affair because she knows you are weak. There are hundreds of threads here just like yours that confirm this. Good luck if you wish to trust her without exposure.

Will she call the OMW? Will she send OM a No Contact for Life Letter?

How did the affair end? Did she write him a no contact letter? Did she agree to be an open book, account for her time, let you see her phone and passwords?

I highly recommend http://www.spytechs.com/spy-software/default.htm.
Also a GPS tracker. http://www.rmtracking.com/
I have used these both very effectively.

Trust but verify is my motto .

It takes time to build the case. Do not under any circumstance reveal that you have these devices. Also, try not freak out with the first tiny piece of damning information you find.
Chances are if there is one communication, there will be more and you owe it to yourself to build a more complete story. Never rely on the WW to fill in the many questions you will inevitably have. Be patient. Because she’s in an out of state A, your situation my take months or years to settle.

Then when you reveal, say it was done using a PI. Always imply that you know more. Never reveal the exact source. Implying that your information is coming from her hometown will also help.

Keep in mind, having this technology will minimize your need to constantly badger your WW about her activities, which is detrimental to plan “A”, and will provide a sharp stick when she fails with her agreed NC.

Forget about doing all this if you don’t plan on really changing yourself. The fact is, there is something more attractive 400 miles away. And chances are it is not about the sex.

Frrustrated:

Thanks for the update!

What turned the tide?

Upset the apple cart?

Let us know. There are several posters around here that could possibly use the moral support right now.

LG