What's his last name? Where is he from? You can do some free searches or pay $50 bucks to do an Intellius search and it gives you relatives. If that doesn't work, for about $150 you can get a PI to get all the info you would ever want on OM. It's worth the investment if it saves your marriage.

Another day without any calls (in or out) on her cell. She did not attend Sunday worship service today (never happened before). Her church members are also worrying about her.

Just exposed the A to her pastor. pastor said he will try to counsel her the best time in the best way, and the church will give spiritual discipline to her.

I hope this will work a bit.

MIL did not call OM, she said she will do it when she thinks she has to. Right now according to what my wife told her, things are getting better.

Tried Intellius, did not find a match one. Age is probably the best criterion, but many of them did not show ages. No one is from the state where OM's cell is registered.

I agree that me and my wife need to get back together ASAP. I will surely do my best for that.

Thanks!

Any PI can get your OM's info for fairly cheap. Just call them up and they will get you OM's cousin, uncle, sister, and parent's phone numbers within a day or two.

She finally called me. She said she was with a friend, then she burst into tears for a long time. She said she is OK. she will explain everything when we meet again.

I am really worried about her and wanted to pick her up right away, no matter where she is now. But she did not want me to pick her up right now and wouldn't tell me where she is. She asked me to pick her up at the airport this Tuesday. I don't know what happened, but I will do my best to comfort her.

Thank you for all your support. I don't feel like this is a fight any more. I cannot see her live like this. I have prepared myself for the worst.

If there is any chance you need to be with her physically. No other way!

ningscan
your wife sounds like she is in some kind of hormonal inbalance
make sure she gets a good physical and psych exam for depression or Bipolar disorder
she seems also very vulnerable to a sex`addiction to om
her having sex with him will be a real wound to your marriage. It will make it much harder for her to break with him or even think rationally about your marriage.
work your plan A... get your church's support.. gently remined her that Christian women dont commit adultry
love or no love
may GOD help you my brother
you also get plenty of rest
and rest in GODs protection
God strengthens and supports Chriatian Husbands
jerseyboy

Update:

First, I want to thank all of you for giving me encouragement and advice. You have comforted me greatly.

I have picked her up from the airport this Tuesday. I brought all things that I need for my thesis work with me. She seems to be glad that I did this. I will stay with her and commute to my university when needed. She thanked me for being with her.

I asked her what happened that she cried so such the other night, she said she just felt lonely and wanted me to be with her. I asked her why, because I think she shouldn't feel lonely under two men's love. She said, she thinks she should not commit to two men at the same time, so she try to keep lonely from both of us.

She said the love between me and her is like a sweet sugar, but the love between her and OM is like a drop of water turning plain things into colorful rainbows. She asked me she needs to think more and how much time I can give her. I said she should take her time to think it through. She said sometimes she is also afraid of me leaving her. She asked me if we can still be very good friends if she end our marriage, I told her no and I would never want to know anything about her in that case. She seemed to be disappointed. I don't know why I could so calmly discuss this with her as her husband. I must be out of my mind.

Anyway, I figured out her email account password today. It turns out that she opened a new free email account to write him love letters everyday. Right now, I feel she is choosing between me and OM, which means she really does not value our marriage much. She avoids me kissing her for over 3 seconds. When I embrase her, she reminds me to do that like a friend or a relative. This makes me upset and angry when I think about it. But I know I will not feel this way as soon as I see her.

She said she want to be with me as if when we were dating and see if things can work out. But I still do not understand how she can write love letters to OM everyday and at same time ask me to be with her. She admits that she has brought me much pain, but she keeps doing it.

I don't know how long I can persever before I invoke Plan B. It can be anytime. I pray to God for His guidance to lead through this crisis.

Jerseyboy,
You mentioned hormonal inbalance. This reminds me that she is having a lot of acne recently. But this happens long after the affair started.
I don't know whether they have had sex or not. They have been together twice now (once in summer in her hotel, the second time is the last weekend she flew to visit OM), but I don't want to jump into conclusions.

OM mentioned in his love letter to her that "I can see that your husband is a very good man and loves you very much. Maybe WE are asking too much from him. I hope you will have a good discussion with him, do not be cruel to him and do not let him to be cruel to you either. I am always here for you."

I feel like it is me against THEY, and this makes me very very sad.

It is not you vs. them. It's you and all of us vs. them. You have so many supporters here who all care about you and your situation.

I'm in a difficult situation also and there are many times I just feel like giving up, but with the help of some close friends and family and everyone here I always bounce back from the pit and continue on doing what I know is right for myself, my WS and my kids.

Keep your chin up! You can do this!

Thank you, Hopeforus. I will persever as far as I can.

I just checked her secret email account, she told OM our discussion yesterday (turned out OM knew she would do that). She said "I only told him I need time to consider and I don't know what I want, even though I know all I want is to be with you." Then she told OM that I require NC if she chooses to stay with me, or I will NC her if she chooses to leave. She then said to OM, "I have only two options, either to be with you for ever, or to be with him for ever. But I will always love you wherever you go. Trust in our love."

I am not sure I should consider this a good sign because at least she is seriously considering coming back, even though in her heart she wants OM.

It hurts that she says she will still love OM even if she choose to stay in our marriage, but I guess I shouldn't expect too much at this point.

I feel so despaired as I read their love letters everyday. I gave my wife a song, and she turned around and sent it to OM to show her love to him.

And those love letters... she never wrote me such hot love letters.

Seriously think of giving up...

I may have made a big mistake.
In her most recent love letter, my wife said she had thought her visit to OM would be the last time they would be together but God had helped them to regain their strength. I think this has to do with my release of the pressure on her. I try to protect her and comfort her, but at the end just encouraged her to stay in the affair.

I feel I am really being stupid. Luckily, her pastor's pressure hasn't come in yet. I think I should notify the pastor the recent situation? She is involve in another church, too. I will try to expose her to that church. She lied to her cusin, made the problem seem all because of my fault. I will expose her to her cusin, too.

I want to reapply pressure in her life. Hopeful she won't crush and hate me for ever. Any suggestions?

Exposure is good. WSs will get over it in time. Mine did.

Found out an EVIL email back in this May.

OM was analyzing my options if I found out an email he wrote her. He was planning how to get a no fault divorce if I confront my wife or him. He said I will probably pretend not seeing the email until the end of my marriage because it would hurt my pride as a 30-year-old man lost to an 18-year-old boy.

My wife told me that when she brought up everything this June, she was not trying to fix our marriage but intended to end it. But I still cannot believe it that they were already planning this back in May. According to the email, they were having the affair at least since last winter.

I am furious. I could destroy her career using this email because it clearly states that they were teacher and student at that time. But I will not let my current impulse to control me. Besides, the later emails show that they are not planning it any more. OM is letting my wife think and make her decision, too.

It is harder than ever to continue plan A, but I will try hard toward the end of this year (apparently, they are planning to spend New Year's day together).

If she isn't going to end her affair, use the dirt you have on her to get it to end. She put herself in this position, not you.

Is it common pattern that WS conspire with OP about divorce? I am really wondering if I should be preparing for divorce now.

My wife said she is not sure she will choose any of us. She said she might have a completely new life, alone or with a completely new person. This is essentially "I am not sure I want to be married any more." So I know it is normal. But conspiring with OM for a divorce, I don't know if it is a normal pattern (even though it occurred a few months ago).

Any suggestions?

Thanks!

So she said she is not sure she will choose either or you.

Wait just a moment -- from just a few posts ago, you found that she told OM what she had told you and that she was just blowing smoke up your [censored], placating you, downplaying how committed she is to OM. And yet you are still listening to what she says.

If you can still expose effectively do so. Now. Otherwise you are twiddling your thumbs. It's understandable that you are twiddling your thumbs, it is all so nasty and paralyzing, but that is what you are doing. Especially continuing to hang on to her every word when you already know she is lying whenever she feels it serves her. C'mon.

I know she was lying. That's why it hurts. I have exposed her to her pastors (she attends two churches, I exposed to both) and to my MIL. Both pastors said that they would choose a good time to talk to her. So far nothing happened.

My MIL told me that she does not want to talk to her daughter any more. She said I have done way too much for her daughter and her daughter should hold responsible for whatever decision she might make. MIL suggested me to do plan B, but I want to persevere a bit more if it is all possible.

Although it is painful to read their secret love letters, I found myself checking them every day. Today she said they can always talk freely (God tell me how I can talk to her freely with both of us knowing her affair!!), and she has come to realize what a "home" is. "A home is two persons rely on each other and share their joy and sorrow. I believe I have found my 'home'." She said in her love letter to OM. She also implied (via a song) that she would like to have kids with OM. She never said she wanted to have my children at all.

She told me yesterday that she would like to go to my new work place and spend Christmas together, then leave before New Year's (I know she wants to spend New Year's day with OM).

It is apparent to me that she is really in deep love with OM unless she is also lying to OM (I doubt this is the case). Can anyone give me good reasons that I should hang on my marriage? Me loving her is obviously not enough any more because she does not love me (at least for now). Right now my only strength is my belief that God wants me to do what is pleasing in His eyes, but I really need at least one another reason!!

Should I expose things I learned from cracking her secret email account? That way she will know that I cracked it and may switch to more stealth ways.

Should I tell her department chair about her affair with a student in her class? OM transferred to another university probably due to this concern. But since I have their emails, I can prove that they were having affair when OM was her student. Her career may be destroyed. I am hesitating whether I should do that. This way our relationship will be really over, and there would be no good for anybody. I don't want to turn this into a revenge.

To get some change in the situation you actually have to do something, like move near her or expose her to her work. When you expose her to her school, let her and them know that it is for the sole purpose of getting her to end all contact with OM.