My wife and I have been happily married for 12 years, 2 children 5 and 7. All seemed great. 9 months ago, my wife started working again part time, mostly because it makes her happy and she enjoys it very much. I began having "gut feelings" about her and her boss who is also married (and I never have gut feelings about anything!) . We had all been mutual but very casual friends for 3 years prior to her working for him. Many small out of character things happened, her perceived fondness of him, and him for her. Some negative comments about his wife... and my gut feelings became overwhelming. I then came across several emails between the two. My wife said in email to him that when she was somewhere with him that she felt as if "she was on the arm of celebrity", jokingly referred to meetings as "dates", and told him that "I guess I should maybe take him out to dinner?", in reference to our pre-planned anniversary date.(marginallizing our marriage). She emailed they should share a bottle of wine, that they spend a lot of time together, and are on the same page, he replied "I don't mind". She has told me that they have a lot in common, and are just good friends that get along and all of this is just joking. My gut told me something was not right before the emails!!! This is so out of character for my wife! She was telling another man things she does not say to anyone, even me. I confronted her and told her that I was very concerned and confused. Things were bad, she told me they would stop, and I discovered more a few months later. Asking each other what the others plans were, when the spouses were away, nothing specific, just feeling out…We've discussed and argued at length. I am so confused, challenged and out of sorts and afraid, that I don't know how to act or even what is happening. I don't believe anything has happened physically, but feel from the tone and her/his actions that it was the very beginnings of courtship at the least. She would not tolerate this from me. Am I overreacting? Please help! I'm afraid this will spiral out of control! This has been a major problem for 8 months! .

No, you are NOT overreacting. Your wife is most likely having an affair with her boss OR on the verge of one.

You need to expose this to the OM's wife immediately and your wife need to quit her job, and have no contact with this person forever.

Read up as much as you can on this sight. Find out what her emotional needs are and start meeting them.

i'm being told that they are just friends...we've never had any issues like this! Is there anyway that I'm reading this wrong?

I suggest you contact the boss's wife and tell her your suspicions. Forward her the emails, and see if she gets the same vibes as you.

I suspect there may be a bit of an explosion. TA

You could take a poll as to how many of us here heard that same line? I'm guessing you may find 1 or 2 who didn't hear it. She needs to be removed from the situation. Ask her to quit and look for fireworks. That may tell you a lot!

Tell her that friends talk to each other in front of their spouses. Ask her if she's ever told him anything she wouldn't want you to hear.

It sure sounds questionable.
If it really is innocent, then your wife won't have any problems with putting some boundaries in place -- like refusing to have personal conversations with him, keeping business meetings strictly business instead of "dates", letting you have access to her e-mail and cell phone records, etc.

Ask for some boundaries and protections. Find out if she's more interested in protecting you and your M than she is in maintaining a type of "friendship" that has great potential for causing serious damage (if it hasn't already).

And get the OM's wife on-board. Compare notes, see if she has the same concerns.

No. You are not reading this wrong. This is an affair, either emotional or physical.

I wish I could return to the days in which you dwell right now -- at the very beginnings of discovery, before my husband was making his exit strategy, after OW had already thrown OW H out. I wish I had stood up for my marriage.

This is not a risk; it's something you have to do, even though I know it's so scary. You can't believe you are in this position. But you have enough evidence, insist she end this relationship, quit and inform the OM W. Or, your marriage will end anyways.

I know this because I sat on my hands for years, and as of last week, my WH is openly pursuing a relationship with the OW, and our marriage is kaput. People tried to warn me here, but I didn't listen. Now they are "in love" and I could have at least tried to stop it while they were just cake eating, and still "loved" their spouses.

All these signs are classic. It's way past inappropriate. Expose, expose, expose.

When this first was discovered I was broken. She was well aware. So many little things have happened. Any one of these individually to me is really no big deal. I can just feel her admiration for him in my gut! His wife, as we are friends would go ballistic! She never talks that way to anyone, not even me. Thats whats so alarming. I just need to know if its just me, other friends have said they flirt, but i never noticed!!!

Zeke

LISTEN TO WHAT WE ARE SAYING!! It is NOT you. They are NOT "just friends". If you want to save your marriage, follow the advice you are hearing here.

Your Wife is not your wife right now. She is a WAYWARD wife, which means she LIES. You cannot depend on her ot tell you the truth.

There are hundreds of us here on these boards that have gone through what you have gone through now. Its no joke that people have lost their marriages because THEY DID NOT ACT.

You ahve the power to stop this right now. Expose to the OM's W, your wife quits her job, and you have no contact.

If you DO NOT do this, you will not have a marriage to fight for.

Zeke, welcome to MB. I'm sorry you find yourself here for this reason - but you're in the right place. You'll get sound advice here...

The thing that jumps out at me from your last post was that when you first found out all this, you were devastated, yet it appears that your W is still carrying on with this man.

THAT is a HUGE red flag.

When I was married I was good friends with a man who I came to know through business. Things were rough in my marriage, and at one point, my H erroneously assumed I had or was having an affair with this man. I had not. HOWEVER.. since my friendship with this man clearly made my H uncomfortable, I ended the friendship and all contact the very day he expressed his discomfort with it. I told my friend what my H thought, my friend - being a real friend, did not want to be the cause of any grief, so he took his leave and that was it. No more contact. He did return to contact at my H's approval about 6 months later (for business reasons - and the decision was made by H, and H alone)... there was no A - but if it had to be a forever thing, I was OK with that and so was my friend.

See the difference? I loved my husband. I would not have done anything knowingly that would have made him insecure or doubtful or mistrustful. So when he brought that to my attention, I took the necessary steps to FIX the situation and remove the scenario that made him uncomfortable.

It sounds like your W has no consideration for your feelings in this - and that is what leads me to believe that it is at least an emotional affair at this point (maybe more but without proof it's just speculation). The fact that she wasn't sensitive to your feelings when it was first uncovered, tells me that she's on a slippery slope.

And maybe each individual thing is no big deal - but you *are* looking at the bigger picture, as well you should.

Expose it. Talk to the boss' wife. Make her your ally. Set your boundaries where this is concerned and stick to them. Do not allow your wife to treat you like dirt while she eats cake.

By all means tell your wife that you love her, and *show* her (read up on Plan A)... but IMO at this point she needs to leave that job immediately, cease all contact with this man immediately and focus on her marriage. To do otherwise it's only going to get worse.

In loving support,

JinGA

Zeke:

Imagination is right. Take action sooner rather than later.

Do you have a keylogger?

Do not trust one word your WS says. Verify.

EXPOSE NOW.

Don't fear the anger, fear the death of your marriage if you do not.

Get the OMW all the email info you have. You have enough evidence to expose. She may already suspect.

EXPOSE!

When this came out, I could find little support from her. It came to the point that I went to see a counselor so that I could tell somebody, and get my head screwed back on right. i am a very stable, loyal as a dog, husband and father.I live my life in way so as not to bring any harm to my family. I could not believe this was happening! I told my wife, and the emails continued. She had no regard for my feelings, or concerns. She insists on contact with both him, and even with his wife in social settings. The last few times the other wife was even acting funny. I told my wife exactly how I feel, yet it seems like she needs a fix by seeing or talking to him.

i have a feeling she may suspect...they have both acted rather uncomfortable around us in the past few weeks. I'm just afraid to push it outside of my wife and I if i'm wrong. But it is ruining me. The rest of our life was as good as it gets and I just don't understand.

Guarantee that she knows. EXPOSE NOW!

Zeke,

I can make sense of it. Your wife is having an affair. Minimally it is an emotional affair, sounds like a physical affair to me. They are in close proximity far to often.

Here is a link to spying 101.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

Go about getting the proof you need. Don't think she won't lie to you now she has been the entire time she has been carrying on.

My wife and the OM were just good friends too. So good they slept together.

Well, my father, a serial cheater, took my sister and I (both of us were kids) to dinner at his OW's home - to eat dinner with her HUSBAND and HER CHILDREN (teenagers/early 20s!) - how's that for crust?

Hiding in plain sight I guess... my father was as nice as pie to the man whose wife he was sleeping with.

Don't underestimate the daring of a cheater. Take action now.

As for OMW - you may find an ally in her, and you may not. Expose the affair ASAP. If she's no help - so be it. Sometimes spouses of cheaters (or serial cheaters) just choose to look the other way. Don't be one of them. Be proactive. Expose to his wife, to your families - an affair loses its appeal in the light of day.

JinGA

Zeke:

I am sorry for the situation you are in.

Trust your gut. These same things happened to me and I refused to listen. I went through the same thing wondering "what if I am wrong". 2 years later she admitted to a 2 year affair. If I had gone with and listened to my gut it would have ended after one month instead of 2 years.

Houston, we got a problem. I didn't just post to Zeke, I don't know who did but it wasn't me...GF

I finally feel like someone else understands...Thanks so much the more advice the better! It is sincerely appreciated..I'm at the low point of my life and should not be