Zeke1122,

Welcomn to the MB forums. It's the one club that no one ever wanted to be a part of, but, having been through the devastation of infidelity, the best place in the world you could have landed.

I've read your entire thread and would have to pretty much agree with others here that your W is having, at the very least, an EA with her boss. ONTH, being the rather negative person that I am, I believe it has probably escalated furthur than that by now. Could be wrong(disclaimer), but doesn't look that way.

Your gut doesn't lie to you. It awakens and alarms you to something you could never, in your wildest dreams, have ever thought would happen to you and your M. Ask any BS here, they will tell you the same thing. I certainly felt this way. But denial, is exactly what allows this unholy travesty to continue. Thus, you must put this to rest one way or the other.

Folks here have recommended that you get a key logger, a GPS, a digital recorder and so forth. So let me ask you, which one of the items have you purchased and installed? If the answer is none, then I will ask you a Q. As it was put to me and others here, "WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU WEREN'T AFRAID?" What would be the next right step to take? You seem like a very smart person, so why the hesitatiuon to take the steps necessary to save your M?

You can second guess your gut forever, but, every minute wasted is more time for the A to continure. Fact is, you don't want to believe the truth, and I say this because none of us wanted to, either. We all know, been there done that. It breaks your heart!

If I could digress here for a moment, I will attempt to tell you what it was like for me.
I began to notice that my W's behavior was becoming very odd and different for her. We had been M'd over thirty years at that point, had raised two beautiful and loving sons, and were(I thought) just cruising along down life's highway. I am an alcoholic and it had caused many problems early in our M. But at this point in time I had been sober for 16 years.

When I began to notice some physical changes in certain private areas, I went to the internet for some logical explanation. Well there it was right in front of me, complete with graphic pictures. But of course, this could not be true. Not my M, not my W, no way, no how.

I had no choice but to ultimately approach my w about this, and was, of course met with a tirade, of "How could youeven think of such a horrible thing?" I was met with silence for several days and beat myself up for even thinking the same thing. So as a way to end it, I made an appointment with my family MD.

You can see how this saga is going right? He confirmed I had HPV and the only way to contract that is by having SF with an infected partner. I came home that afternoon, and looked in the fridege. Ther was 3 bottles of wine, and my heart sank. They had been purchased that day. My W knew of my appointment and why. It was a horror to me. I grabed a bottle, a corkscrew, and 2 glasses for the talk we were about to have. As we sat in the back yard on our swing, I told my W what I had. There was silence. It was for me a deafening roar. I glanced over as her eyes glazed over, and my heart was ripped from my chest!

DDAY!!!

NO CONTACT(NC) is not an option, it is a must if you want to save your M. But that choice is yours!

I wish you and your M,
All Blessings,
Jerry

Thanks, I'm no dummy...but this has turned me into a total wreck, confidence gone, self esteem beat down so bad that i can't see myself being good enough for her? this thing has wrecked my confidence so much that I'm not sure that I'm right. I keep giving the benifit of the doubt because I love her, and my family so much. I have NEVER betrayed her, EVER, and NEVER would. It's just such a leap for me to tell her that I KNOW she has feelings for someone else. I'm 6'3" 220 lb former college football player, never physically hit another human in my life, successful business, nice house, nice cars, great kids, wife always supported me, and vice versa. I have everything going for me except for the most important thing! I told her that I have hit rock bottom and the emails kept going...I've always been the one to fold and make peace if an issue ever came up. It is hard to hear that evreyone here see's what i see, and that she is not being honest. It is hard for me to overcome the guilt of spying...VENTING, sorry. Beleive me , i have taken everyones advice here very seriously, and I am and have been taking measures to look into this. Again, I love her, and through the help recieved here, am developing a plan of action. Wish i would have had this info from MB months ago...I was a blubbering, do you love me? Idiot for months, it got me nowhere, and probably did more damage. I did EVERYTHING wrong in terms of dealing with WW sit. Please, be patient with me here, don't stop trying to help, I hear you all, like i said before, not ashamed to tell everyone, need to lay down the law for the 1st time in 15 years...

EVERYONE'S self esteem was in the toilet when they found out the one person in the world who was supposed to have their back was cheating. It goes with the territory. Like Bob Pure says, recovering your marriage is a hero's gig.

Zeke, you say you feel guilt for "spying". You should NOT feel guilt. What you did was NOT wrong. You were trying to protect the very thing God gave you the job of protecting. Don't stop now. It's a tough job, but it is not only your right to do this, it is your duty.

Zeke:

Sorry that you find yourself in this situation, but you are in the right place.

Have you read the threads on Plan A and spying 101?

Zeke,
You were a college footbal player. What did you do in the face of your opponent? You threw your chest out, banged on it unmercifully, and growled before games, did you not?

Well, my friend, your in the championship game right now, and you better not fold on me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />.

You should not feel guilty about spying, because you are NOT! You are tring, as the husband and leader of this M, to uncover the Godly truth to which you are so deserved! This is not wrong!

Key logger, GPS, voice activated recorder, and if necessary, A PI. Stop short of nothing to save your M.

Next, what will you do with that info? Do you have a plan to deal with this if your worst fears come true? I didn't. I had no clue and let years pass by me while I stewed around in a drunken fog. What a humugous waste of time.

Read up on Plan A and Plan B from this web site. Have a plan to get your life back. Don't sit on your helmet here, my friend, the kickoff is in the air.

Stick around, others will be of great help.

All Blessings,
Jerry

This breaks my heart. I really feel for you. Unfortunately, I had to wait until after my WH performed his ultimate betrayal and left this home before I found myself again. Friends say I am glowing, and it's because I'm not getting beat down emotionally on a daily basis anymore. Yes, I have cried buckets and buckets of tears, but each day, as I wipe them away, I find myself underneath. I can't explain how much stronger I feel, with the weight of my husband's affair no longer taking place inside my home.

You can get rid of this weight as well, but since it's still in its early stages, keep her in your home after the OM is out of the picture, where you can keep your eye on her.

Losing my partner this way is painful, when I think of the memories we shared. But as for the present, honestly, I don't care what my WH does in his sticky studio pad, or with whom. I don't let those thoughts bring me down. I am filing for the big D. Called some lawyers today. Don't get to this point before you can feel good again. I know how emotionally draining this is, and how your confidence deteriorates, how having the rug pulled out from under you leaves you unsteady and unable to trust yourself.

So trust us.

Yes, this is indeed happening: an affair. To what extent, only those two people know. At this point, it doesn't even matter. Look at how whatever it is now is defeating you. It's just a matter of time before it impacts your kids, too, if it isn't already. Perhaps they are already sensing that something is amiss, that mommy and daddy are not truly connecting.

Do you really have a plan of action? Me? I would cook up one, and then half do it. Then I'd start another several weeks later, and weakly enact it. My fear would always get the better of me. Then it would be back to square one. Nothing resolved, only worsened. Things I would do without full conviction, would only serve to push them closer together. I didn't want to be alone, so I put up with it. Now, here I am. Alone.

Don't. be. me.

And for the record, you don't have to tell her you KNOW she has feelings for someone else. Once you have the evidence, just push the Play button. No more room for denial at that point. Don't worry about her getting upset at you for "snooping." She has no room to talk about betrayal. Be prepared to stand your ground and focus on what she had done, and how you are going to resolve this issue together. The first step: insisting upon no contact.

In the process of my husband confessing, he admitted that he told a good friend about his feelings for her, and he had been keeping him accountable for months, trying to help him resist. But he'd sat there in counseling, lying to my face, saying that he had no feelings for her besides friendship, berating me for daring to question his integrity. And when I exposed to our friends, he told them that I am psychotic and jealous. He tried to ruin my reputation to protect this woman, knowing he had "feelings" for her all along. He knew that if I ever found out about his feelings for her - back in the days before she asked her husband for a divorce - I would insist that he quit his job and never see her again or get out of my house. He didn't want to be alone, so he hid out until she had the guts to do what he could not. By the time I found out about his true feelings, he didn't care anymore.

He has been lying and lying and lying to me. And so is your wife. Whatever she says to you in denial of their relationship, is so she can continue to be near him. If her lips are moving, she is lying. Just don't listen it anymore. Get your evidence. Get her out of that office. Or you will be meeting with your neighborhood real estate agent today, like I am.

Thanks Imagination,
for helping me try to bring it all home <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.
Sadly!

All Blessings,
Jerry

Thanks everyone, I'll keep you posted.

If anyone out there is questioning their TRUE GUT instinct, the one that just makes you sick, well don't question it. Finally got her to admit to feelings for this guy. Thanks to all of you that made me see the light of day and my prayers go out to the next "me" that posts here.

Sorry,
Has she written a NC letter? She will have to quit that job asap and cut all contact with OM. She said she has feelings and that is an EA but are you sure it never got physical?

Don't believe it has become or ever was physical, she said she never acted on it but i never imagined this would happen either, don't know and don't know if i'll ever know.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2773172&page=2
link to updated thread: