aussiewife,

Your response to the question touched my heart. While I don't want my FWH to be afraid, I would like to think that he has thought of just a few of the fears you mentioned.

That is why I asked the question.

Thank You,

Who

Mrs. W,

Thank you for the answer. I assume all of this played into your decision to have an A. Perhaps used as a justification?

WhoMe,

I am finding this thead very interesting. A common theme I am seeing is that posters feel their SO "settled" regardless of the side a person is on. I am going to ask my DH if he has any fears. I wonder if I will be surprised.

LC

Aussie's wife,


This brought tears to me again. These are fears that the BS has for themselves as well. I wonder if the pain will ever recede enough for true happiness, what I thought I had, can ever return. In our happiest moments now, I can be washed over with a wave of fear that now isn't real either, That he might choose to do this again. I don't view the forgiveness as a set thing but more fluid, I've reached an acceptance that this is what our history together holds, can't be changed, holding it out with anger and hate do not help me, so I accept that it was, and we move forward from here.

I think I'm clearly beyond the second comment, but when things are triggering, it's hard to look forward and believe that the happiness might be there in the future. But, there are reasons to believe that the depression that descended immediately after d-day will never return. Depression was never something I ever had before d-day. Even though it's mostly gone, I recognize that some of these feelings stem from it's hanging on. Time and loving behavior, Openess and honesty from FWS are the answers to over coming these fears.

Who,

Great topic, It's great to hear the fears expressed from both sides. I wonder if those FWS's expressing their fears here have a better chance at healing and recovering their M's because of the fears that they have?? The BS's fears are far easier for me, a BS to understand as I feel many of them as well. To know that these great fears exist in the FWS is ironically reassuring in that they have the desire and motivation to succeed in the recovery of their M's. Something not all WS's appear to possess on the surface.

FTS

No, that didn't play into my justifications, because I didn't know that stuff until Dday...I found out a lot on Dday myself...That was a MAJOR day of reckoning for us both actually...My justifications were founded more in that I was alone constantly-I didn't feel like Mr. W loved, valued or cherished me-not true of course...My affair was with my high school/college bf...He contacted me-I was lonely and depressed-I had nothing but time on my hands-a combustible situation....

Mrs. W

Mrs. W said...


Sure your not Canadian? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W,

Just to respond:


Orchid: The fear s/b when the one who was the Xws (now rightfully a spouse), decides to step backwards in recovery. It c/b anger management issues, selfish phase, etc....

The BS learns NOT to put up with that kind of stuff again.

No reason t/d plan A if those points are already in place, so the BS can use plan B tactics.

Ex: After Xws came back.... time passed, he was restored to the H status <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />, later he thought he could dabble in helping others.... hmm..... his line of work puts him in contact with many people, including OWs on the prowl or just plain needy women. As a result I witnessed the trend of an 'attitude' and uncovered the beginnings of an unhealthy trend. All was 'up and up' but remember, he is a recovered Xws. So the flags went up. Plan B was enforced because my main boundary was NOT to have ANY type of OW in my life.

H thought that was a bit extreme but I am a very sensative person now. My MB radar picked up on it and my boundaries kicked into high gear. H knew this would happen and when it did, he had the choice to make.... be a KISA or be a part of our family.

Hope this clarifies things.


Orchid: Plan B should be something the FWS is aware of. Live in fear? Only if the A is a reality waiting to happen. All this says is that the FWS has not made him or herself safe.

If your R is solid, no need to fear. Will either ever forget? Probably not but that should strengthen your M not weaken it.

JMHO,
L.

Mrs W,

Sorry I wasn't very clear on what I was referring to. I was actually referring to this part and wondered if somehow this played on your mind when you were making your choices. I knew the actual information didn't come out until d-day.


A few years before I had my A I "thought" maybe my DH had been up to something with someone. Even though I had no proof whatsoever, just having the thought in the back of my mind that he might have cheated on me made it easier for me to go ahead with my A. After d-day I asked him and there really was nothing to it.

LC

Orchid,


This is exactly how I feel. Before I felt secure in our relationship I had many fears and I expressed them to my DH often (probably more often then he cared to hear). Now that I feel security I don't feel I have any fears.

It may also get down to the fact I NEVER felt secure in our marriage until now.

LC

Lost,

Wow, it's like I wrote this list. Just a couple more to add:

1-I'm a afraid that the time and effort put forth will be for nothing.

2) Afraid that no matter what I do, I will never measure up to the feelings he has for the OW.

3) WH stays b/c I make his life "comfortable".

4) That I want to recover the M, b/c I don't want H to be w/OW.

6) What if there isn't anyone else out there for me and he goes to OW, and they live happily ever after.

7) My kids resent me for either being too weak, too strong, see me as failure-blame me for break up/divorce.

Lots of fears but can't life in fear. They come out in the midnight hours or that "special" time of the month.

Tami

I feaRRRR
no that's not true
yes it is
I fear,
you folks
can't
understand
there is life after adultery
you are so dammed focused on it
( makes me cross, I was there once)
you can't see the trees for the adultery
YOU are all people
All beautiful

ALL FULL OF LIFE
Don't let it stop you, don't let it swallow you

Embrace life

because you are worth it

Don't fear

Learn to get to know you!
And learn to get to know what you can do!!!

Peace
Max

Even though i have already posted my fears on here once. I just have to say I could not have said it better myself.

Yeah add that to the list <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Max,



I don't think that any of us do not recognize that this is true, however it still doesn't mean that our lives now are not substantially different "after" the affair.

The innocence lost and the lessons (hopefully) learned will be carried with us for the rest of our lives.

I see that as a positive thing, when we forget who we are and the important things we have learned, well, history does tend to repeat itself.

Who

I fear that I will never have confirmation of the full truth, in order to make the life decisions I should.

FTS I think I need to be more specific in relation to this fear of mine to put it in perspective..

See my DH is soldering in Afghanistan. (He's actually on a short leave right now to recover from minor injuries.) I have this specific fear he will be willing to risk more than he would previous to my affair. Not depression, rather not so much to come home to... so an extra risk or two, what the heck? type of thinking.

I'm not sure if most FWS don't have these fears, its just that some of us are at a stage where we can admit we have them, and sadly some truly have not come back to their M, even though the Affair is over.

I know I can survive and bring up my kids without my DH, I had to do it for lengthy periods, but I DON"T WANT TO.

Aussies,
We will keep DH in our prayers for you. I understand your fear as a valid one. But remember, he does have his kids to come home to. That is a strong motivator, probably was the greatest one for me. I think it still is for men as well. And I agree, just because you can raise your kids alone, doesn't mean you want to.

Lots of talk as I grew up about , you shouldn't need to have a man, but isn't that the way God made us in the first place? We are social, we are supposed to work together, not just for the good of our children, but for the betterment and enjoyment of ourselves.

Max, you are so right.

I have all those same fears, I just don't let them get in my way.

I believe that when focused on fears, specific ones that they can come true, when you think of something it forces you in that direction.

I believe its called shooting yourself in the foot.

When me and H were going through our big ordeal of me finding out the truth, his biggest fear was me leaving, because of that h did not tell the truth for fear that I would leave, because he didn't tell the truth, I left.

it amazed me on how that worked, he shot himself in the foot.

Who,

there is so much so wonderful about different, I like different-and yes my life is very different since my husbands affair.

Adultery was an act, that has allowed me to make changes to myself-for myself.

Not for anyone else, but for me.

I learnt and I grew for myself.


Do I fear being duped again? or it all happening again?...not in the slightest. Not now and not in the future.

Do I have plan B/D in my back pocket-no-it's out on the table...there would be no suprises there for my husband if he should happen to stray again- and if he does that is his choice-his bag.

I won't wait for it and I won't fear it.

He has no fears either about what would or could occur. He knows.

Later

Max

Thanks for the clarification Orchid and LC...

LC...I don't think it did actually...MAYBE...Heck, as all waywards do, I used EVERYTHING that I could pull out of my hat to justify my horrible behavior...I actually even made fun of the brand of toothpaste that Mr. W used/uses...I called it "grandma toothpaste" and said that it really bugged me! LOL...Sorry but that one is FUNNY! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Max...

For me, "verbalizing" my fears in this way helps me to overcome them...I have to let 'em out to let 'em go...KWIM?

Mrs. W

Aloha Mrs. W.

Been wondering how you've been doing. A BS doesn't have to always keep plan B in their back pocket forever. Also the WS or Xws can't dictate when the Xbs needs to throw it out. Only the Xbs does. That's where the fear may come in but it is unwarranted if trust is restored. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

In my case the trust is still in the rebuilding stage.

L.