Sorry if I‘m not being nice but I see our job as to save your marriage, not your feelings.

TOMK – you are full of excuses but short on action.

A letter like this could be sent to her family, friends or whatever:
“You have probably heard WW asked me to move out. She is certain I had an affair and bases that on the fact she was diagnosed with Chlamydia. I too was examined and no Chlamydia was found in me. I have done some research and there is a lot of evidence that Chlamydia can remain dormant and undiagnosed in women, even for years. A sudden change in body chemistry – such as a pregnancy can cause – alters the immune system and waken the dormant disease. Unfortunately due to the RO I cannot get this information to W. I think she still thinks the Chlamydia is from me but my negative test proves that is not the case.
Here are some links about dormant Chlamydia.”

In the above you have given all the issues and all the evidence and NOT suggested the receiver talk to W. However – one of them is bound to. As a father I would talk to my daughter if she had a similar case. Action.

Then there is the option of talking to the DA as I have pointed out. Have you already phoned the police to see if they can find the time your W claimed you kidnapped your son in their blotter? Action.

Then there is the option of seeking legal advice. Action.

But then. You also have the option of NOT seeing your son until late December. That’s only a couple of months away….

TOMK – this is the reality you are facing.

listen...this is all starting to add up now. think about this for a minute...your wife has kept you from a doctor that supposedly told her you gave her an STD...I just do not see a doctor making that kind of statement, so right off the bat, I think she is a liar. Couple that with her lies to the court and I would bet the house you are dealing with a WS.
Now, who provides the health insurance? You or our wife? Call the carrier either way and see if you can find out what bills have been paid. Hire your own lawyer. Hire a PI if need be...you need to fight the [censored] out of this stuff and NOW. She is an unfit parent if she had her child's father arrested on trumped up charges...she is AN UNFIT PARENT.....remember that.
Get a lawyer...one that specializes in fathers rights...hire a PI if you can. Get very aggressive with this. Skip the comments about civil servants...your demeaning attitude comes through loud and clear to me and it will do you no good...and it is an unfair characterization.

The issue here is you need to take the offensive...forget about your M for right now and do what you can to secure your rights to see your son and have these charges handled properly.

MEDC

I'm betting the doctor never told W that TOMK gave her the STD. The doctor (or whoever read the results) only said she HAD an STD. Not how she got it.

Do you really believe this paranoia theory yourself mkeverydaynt? I absolutely think one of the worst things we can do to a person facing issues in his marriage is fan paranoia.

what paranoia theory...I am basing my comments on sound practical sense, not paranoia? I do not believe a doctor would make a comment like that...since she would obviously be aware of the possibility of a dormant disease.
In addition, the H does not know the OB...that is strange. The wife has lied in court, that is criminal.

nothing paranoid about any of that. I think the worst thing we can do is ignore the FACTS as they have been presented. We already know his wife is a liar...now it is trying to figure out where her lies begin and end.

So, you suggest I contact her family. Again....right in black and white in the RO... I CANNOT!!!

I wish i had the time to type this thing out word for word or have access to a scanner and post it as an image.

I've called the PD from 18 months ago when we moved, no record of her ever calling the police to either address while we lived there. So again, my word against hers.

Apologies for the civil servant comments. I guess no one really understands my frustrations...

I was on the phone with the police the night she called them, i told the officer ont he other end there was no need to come out, i wasn't speaking to her and she was pissed and making accusasions. I said if they came out i would end up arrested, i was told that's not neccessarily the case, she could be the one asked to leave. .... Asked to leave, so again, the female gets to go on her own to find a place to stay, yet the male gets arrested.

Why? Did I touch her? NO! Was there ANY evidence that I did? NO! Did I threaten her? NO!!!! Was there evidence of that? NO! Just her word against mine. Who's did the officers chose to believe? Antoher 30 seconds and I would have been gone!!! My stuff packed and driving around trying to think of somewhere to go.

I'd be HOME right now, taking to my wife trying to get to the bottom of it. But no.. oh wait, am i rambling with excuses again?

How is any of this helping me? I'm saying the same stuff over and over again.

The advise I keep getting is to tell her about the dormant STD theory. Maybe I shoudl send the email, then wait..no just drive myslef to the PD Station and turn myslef in so they don't have to waste man hours on the BOLO????

bigger, i appreciate the help but how many ways can i say it? I cannot relay a message to her, i cannot talk to her freinds , family, or coworkers.

A phone call to the DA/clerks office will do me no good on a weekend...we all know that. i will however take your advise and see what I can manage first thing tomorrow morning.

MEDC,
gotta have $$ for a lawyer and a PI...
like i've said, she's the one that made the $$ in the family. i have a court appointed atty for the criminal charges, she can't assist with the RO

Finally... someone beside me thinks SHE's the liar. I've been dealing with all the fingers (hers of course) pointing at me for years!

For the record... she didn't lie in court, she lied to the police on the phone and when they showed up at the house.

Oh... and she "doesn't lie" ... she has this remarkably uncanny way of saying something which she knows not to be completely true, but she'll say it in a way to make you believe it is.

If you ask her a question, she won't lie, but she will answer in a way that clears her of lieing, but leaves you to beleive something totally inaccurate... very good talent at this. And she (and her sister) brag about this all the time!!!

I tend to believe you as well. I think 'Bigger' might be focussing too much on the possible explanation for the STD and neglecting to look at the other aspects of your situation that throw a lot of light on your W's personality, e.g. her lying to the police in order to have you arrested and thrown out of your own home. Someone capable of doing this as more than capable of gaslighting you and concealing from you what she's really doing when you're not looking.



It's called "lying by omission" and IMO a technique commonly deployed by an accomplished gaslighter. My FWW did it to me as well, declaring on D-Day that she "never lied to me" about anything. That your W actually brags about her skills with lying by omission, well, that's another sign of her personality that the others here need to take into consideration before asking you to show her your cards before you play them.

If I was you, under no circumstances would I even suggest to her now that there's another possible explanation for why that STD of hers now showed up - believe me, she will use it to her advantage when the opportunity arises. Instead, I suggest keeping mum about your tests until you have her in a situation where she doesn't have the time to develop a plausible story around it, e.g. if and when she presents at any legal hearing the fact of her having an STD as proof that you were involved in an A. IMO now's the time to keep your cards close to your chest and play them when they'll have maximum impact.

problem with that is... she knows how I "work" she knows what buttons to push and when. SHE... knows when to hold them, and when to play them, better then any person I've ever known.

I am so up and down about all this... i feel like a battered woman, PLEASE excuse the example! I feel like she will always lie to me, and has been... but at the very same time i don't want to beleive that she has.

Oh man... the thoughts of when she would tell me "DO you really want to go there? Do you really want to find out what i can have done to you? Don't make me show you that I can have your life ruined with one simple phone call..."

.... to say "on more than one occassion" wouldn't do that saying justice at all...

Sounds like she is sick to me. I suggest you stay away from her now that she has proven how malicious she is.

she HAD TO lie on an official document to get a restraining order.

DO NOT send that email.

It sounds to me like you are your own worst enemy. Get a plan and stick to it.

As far as the police...your telling them on the phone not to come out should have been ignored. I do not know the laws about domestic violence in your state..but think they are pretty similar. I don't know why you were arrested if there was no sign of a struggle or a mark on her.

I don't care how you wind up having to get a lawyer...credit or whatever....you need one no matter what. Make it happen.

Stay away from your wife...she is a cancer and most likely involved in ana affair.

MEDC quote below is the scenario I cant get my head around.





This is a deal breaker in my view. Don't care if or where the STD came from or if there was an OM - doesn't matter - this is pure evil and not sure one can recover from having your rights taken away and handed over to the county jail by your own spouse no less. That's a betrayal that's over the top if there is no abuse.

This can happen over and over again - and this wife will be gaslighting your kids against you for ever ad naseum. Who can live a life like that ? No man needs to have a wife with these these issues. Too bad there are kids involved.

if he can get proof that hs elied, he should have her arrested.

I agree, it would be a deal breaker for me too. Marriage over.

proof that she lied? About the accusasion to have me arrested?

how can i prove that? I supposedly back handed her, wouldn't that leave a mark? I supposedly pushed her into the wall, again where's the bruise on her form that? or the hole inthe wall? How do i convince ANYONE that the accusasion that I threatened her life is false too? No one was there but her & I. Even the baby was in his crib...because he did something that upset her so she put him to bed early. Still don't knwo what that was by the way.

For all i know, seeing how i was whisked away, there very well could be a hole in the wall and a mark where ever I "back handed" her... and a hole in the wall certainly is easy enough to create after the police have left the house.

The truly amazing part of me FINALLY getting back into the house (4 days and 4 attempts) was houw clean the place was. It wasn't that clean when we moved in, six months ago. And there used to be unpacked boxes EVERYWHERE.... it was all gone, put away, and cleaned....

For who? The boyfreind? The Cops? Who?

...I remember in my previous marriage, when a really F*ed up..and she would take a drive.... I cleaned like a ... like I never cleaned before. weird, but I did.

Is that some sort of known guilt thing?

here I go flip flopping again.... dangit, I must have some sort of battered woman syndrome..... is there a term used for a case like mine? emotionally battered man syndrome?

First and foremost I guess is self preservation. Do whatever it takes to get those charges dropped. meaning somehow prove they were false accusasions. that's going to be tuff... Well i have no criminal record, that should count for something, right?

I just want to hold my boy!

i can't think

Basically anyone who's interested enough to take a closer look at the situation, IMO. I'm guessing that she wants to present the image of a wonderful and caring wife and mother who suffered abuse at the hands of her H.

Keep your cards close to your chest, and get a good lawyer.

Yep bigger, that's what my W told me too. Until it was finally proven that she, her OM, and lastly me were infected with an STD.

She made very sound arguments just like you. I almost bought into them until she finally confessed. Medical evidence is indisputable. If TOMK is being honest, his case is closed!

If you are right, you would be one of the 1% difference to the rule. Do you you want TOMK to hang his hat on this?

I don't think MEDC' post has anything to do with paranoia. I think he weighs the evidence, as I was once taught to do. And I believe he is correct!

Take another serious look at all of this before you post any further advise. I think you are being duped, as is TOMK.

ALL Blessiings,
Jerry

Didn't IABPS have a similar situation with the W making up accusations? In their case, I think she absconded with the children...but I seem to remember he got FULL CUSTODY of the kids in fairly short order after that. How did he accomplish this?

There is a couple of things that make me want to [censored] my head to the side here-and wonder

So , thinking aloud here.

I can sense you're a very passionate person by your writing ,T- *coniving ******* -didnt go down to well with me-heard it before.

Victims of domestic violence often feel sorry and guilt for their partner and do apologise, if a complaint is made. That would explain her email to me.

Your wife had twice bought up -you kidnapping the child...where does that fear come from? What is going on around her? This threat is very common in domestic violence situations.

another is...

You say that you were packing and would have been off the property within minutes-if that is the case ; as there was no, as you say no signs of assault...I am wondering, packed and all, why you wer'nt just escorted from the property-or was your wife extremely distressed for them to take such action as to arrest you?

My thoughts and questions

Max

Another thing.

You said she knows how to "push your buttons"

What does that mean?

What is it you are saying there?


More thinking aloud

Max

It means his wife is talented at being cruel and knows how to hurt him verbally.

TOMK-- listen to MEDC and ManinMotion. Good advice there. Do not break the RO.

I absolutely understand how you feel not being able to see your baby. Please, though, keep in mind that every step you take from this moment forward mus be methodically planned out to PROTECT your child from this WW. Her actions against you scream Wayward-- and I don't necessarily mean she's having an affair (though I do believe she is), she's wayward because she's acting to destroy your marriage.

From what you have shared here, your marriage was never a good one. How in heavens you could ever trust this woman not to repeat what she has done is beyond me. Her personality sounds spiteful and vindictive, so I can just imagine that this little victory of hers will only bolster that attitude.

You need a plan that revolves around protecting your children from this type of situation. What kind of job do you have now? Does it pay well? Can you look at the market and possibly get a better paying one? Do you have an education? Can you set up a stable home while you figure all this out? Do you have people who can testify to your strengths as a stay at home dad and parenting skills? I'm a stay at home mom and would be horrified if I was kept from my child by my husband. For me, it would be a deal breaker.

DO NOT CONTACT HER-- its exactly what she wants. Let her stew and not know what you are doing. Please get a consult with a lawyer who deals in family law-- maybe a father's rights website would help in that regard. A lot of lawyers give free consults, so it can't hurt to see one and ask questions.

Let's just get a battle plan together so you can handle the next few weeks. First step will be to figure out how you can regain visition/custody of your children during this seperation. I really wish you had come here before you decided to move out-- we all would have told you not to.